Veritable Landfill

H'Meh.

(My temporarily partially-paralyzed face)

So between less-than-perfect BYU health insurance and my complete lack of insurance from Timm's previous job, I estimate it had been at least 6 years since I last saw a dentist. Maybe even as many as 8. I do not practice perfect dental hygiene, but I brush and floss. I didn't even think much about it until I lost a filling a few months ago, before our new health coverage took effect. I made sure to floss it religiously since it kind of hurt and there was a gaping hole for food to accumulate in, but it was still about 4 months before I saw the dentist. Naively, I thought this would be the only problem. Maybe because I hadn't sat in a dentist's chair for many years, but I assumed since I had no pain in my mouth and my teeth looked good and white that there were no problems. In fact, the thought of other dental woes didn't even cross my mind until the dentist came in and started piercing my gums with a very sharp instrument, muttering notes to his hygienist for practically every tooth. It sounded something like "Number 13, possible RC, number 14 likely RC & other alphabetical dental codes that I didn't understand and don't remember..." Suddenly I thought- He really has a lot to talk about. Really, every tooth? You can't just skip one? I don't really know what you're saying, but I think you might be a little overly critical. And no, that does not feel like a "little pressure." It feels like you are poking tender gum tissue with the very sharp instrument that you indeed, are poking me with. I saw it. It's very pointy.

They couldn't even clean my teeth. I had to have the entire appointment devoted to a consultation. My results were not good. Turns out 'RC' stands for 'Root Canal' which in hindsight, makes perfect sense.He showed me a lot of fancy high-tech pictures of my teeth and pointed out all the dark, black shaded areas that were decay. He pointed out the roots of my teeth and how those ominous darkly shaded parts were dangerously close to those roots. He spoke of various degrees of severity in decay, from 1-4, all of which I had several times over. He showed me a visible hole in one of my teeth, aside from the one that had lost a filling. He pointed out under the wire cemented to my teeth where the floss failed to reach. Finally he gave me a detailed treatment plan that spanned many pages, included many stages over a period of time, and involved way more money than I could ever hope to afford to my evidently grossly neglected dental care. I was on the verge of tears, and I think the shock of it was the only thing that kept those tears from spilling over.

I took my veritable landfill of a mouth and left feeling chastised, embarrassed, poor, and discouraged. Who has teeth like this? Meth heads, illegal immigrants, homeless people, and people living in abject poverty, that's who. (Or so I decided in my traumatized state. No offense to these societal subsets- it's just that I'm not one of them. Or am I? I suppose with my teeth already in the state they're in, I could finally take up meth and ignore at least one of those nasty side effects.)

I returned for a cleaning, then later a cavity fill times two, which led to a visit to the endodontist to preform 2 root canals. (The first of several, apparently.) That used the entirety of my annual allowance from my insurance, with $350 left over. We got my teeth their first credit card to cover the balance, and now I am supposed to get crowns for those two teeth which will cost me $1900. Which I am not doing. I know, it sounds crazy. It probably is crazy. But the manager at the dentist office said I could probably get by with only the 'core buildup', whatever that is, until next January when my insurance rolls over. Yeah, a year from now. The core buildup will only cost a few hundred dollars, on my teeth's fancy shmancy new credit card, of course. Then we can move on to the many more teeth that need attention, and hopefully arrest their deterioration and prevent root canals for the rest of the lot. 

In summary, after six entire visits, I will have 2 of my teeth mostly repaired. We have a long way to go.

A highlight however, was having 8 full hours of numbness for half of my face, stretching to include part of my eye. These pictures were taken a few hours in, when a bit of it had worn off. I gave Timm no small amount of pleasure as I talked, and best of all tried to smile or laugh. He would laugh almost to the point of tears every time, insisting that I take my hand away from my mouth in self-consciousness. A couple of times through the day I would proclaim, "Timm! I think it's wearing off!", then flash him that winning half-smile. He would patronizingly reply, "Almost..." before laughing again. It made him especially giddy if I would mumble, "I have a few disorders" out of the corner of my semi-functioning mouth.

Good times.

In other good news, I have now been avoiding chewing on the left side of my mouth for going on 5 months, and with any luck I will continue to do so for another year until I can afford the crowns! It is a skill I am proud to cultivate.

Crazy Person, literally.

What we have here is one of those good news/bad news situations.

The kind where it's hard to tell which is which.

First, some background.

Obviously I have been absent for a few months. Part of that was just busy with projects and some hypomania after Timm got his new job. That eventually slid into a muddied, deliberate avoidance of blogs in general. I told myself it wasn't because I was depressed, knowing that avoidance of any and all social contact is usually my number 1 sign of depression . I also wasn't emailing, or talking on the phone. I had gone from running 25 miles a week, to not having laced up my running shoes in over a month. Pretty much just going to church on Sundays, and maybe grocery shopping on Saturdays. 5-6 days a week were spent in my pajamas all day, sleeping as much as possible, and steadily putting on weight. (12 pounds since Thanksgiving to be specific.) The only time I put my foot out the door was the unavoidable trek to the bus stop each morning at 7:30. In all honesty, I wouldn't even have bothered to do that except that it's much easier to have Bella at school all day. (That and truancy laws.) Sometimes I didn't shower for that many days at a time either. Full disclosure.

After you've spent 6 days straight in your pajamas, haven't left the house, and worn a path into the carpet from bed to couch to fridge and back, it's hard to deny that you might, just maybe, be depressed. Especially when you're daily routine involves sleeping on the couch every morning after dropping your eldest off at the bus stop while your youngest patiently absorbs a lot of Netflix-streamed tv.

Unfortunately this scenario is nothing new to me. I have been dealing with major depression all of my adult life. It's really quite tiresome and boring. So armed with my fancy new health insurance, I decided to go see a psychiatrist for the first time in over 4 years to try and see if we could find a different treatment than the one I've been on for so long. I didn't feel very good about the appointment or her opinion, so I sought a second opinion and waited 3 months to see a different doctor, which I finally did this week. Which leads me to the good news/bad news portion of this post.

The good news is that I probably do not have Bipolar II Disorder, as I have long suspected that I did and researched. 

The bad news is that I do show symptoms of the following disorders:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depressive Disorder 

and last but not least

Eating Disorder NOS ('Not Otherwise Specified')

You know, your typical OCD/ADHD/Anxiety-ridden massively depressed person with an eating disorder.

I got that diagnosis in Provo before moving here, but conveniently forgot about it until I had the pleasure of reading over my psychiatry records in detail. Hey, if anything can pull you out of a debilitating depression, it's reading over your medical assessments and lack of progress over several years from the perspective of a trained mental health practitioner.On a good note, she did indicate that I was very attractive. (That was of course one line mixed in paragraphs upon paragraphs about my obsessiveness over food, weight, body image, and self-worth.)

Right.

So for now not much has changed. This doctor agreed that I am probably nor Bipolar- II or otherwise. I see him again in a month and I sure hope we can make some changes so I feel alive again. Which is not to say that I am sad- those blessed individuals with no experience with depression probably don't understand that. Probably because of the antidepressants I've been on for years, I do not currently have a sad depression. It's the bored apathy that is wasting me. The inability to find any purpose in showering, dressing, or leaving the house. So in the meantime, I'll try to suck it up and make the tiny goals that brand-new mothers and invalids make each day- For tomorrow: shower, dress, and make the bed.

I also read a bit in my files about my Eating Disorder (NOS), which I'll explore in another post. In the meantime I'm planning on going to Weight Watchers tomorrow,  perpetuating my 'ED (NOS)'. I'm trying to remember the therapeutic benefits of writing, and will thusly torture anyone reading with an account of this roller coaster.

Good times!

She Says

Me: Wasn't it fun to have the Lees over for dinner last night?
Bella (age 6): Yeah. Want to know what we played?
Me: Sure.
B: We acted out a scripture story!
Me: Ohh, that sounds fun! (thinking. Oh my gosh- they are such dorks.)
       Which one did you act out?
B: The Man Possessed By Evil Spirits.
Me: Oh dear!
B: What 'Oh dear'?
Me: Nothing. Who played what parts?
B: Well, Mia was Jesus.
Me: Okay, who was the man possessed?
B: Well there was only one boy!
Me: I don't know, Mia played Jesus, so...
B: Truman was the man. I read the story while they acted it out.
    And I was a pig.
Me: Aha.
B: We used hangers on Truman to be the chains he was tied up with that he could break out of.

(She really like to read the simplified, illustrated scriptures. She chooses an extra scripture story for her story each night, then often takes them to bed and continues reading. Oh dear.)

A Halloween Tradition

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of costumes, candy, and everything else that goes on for Halloween, it is easy to forget the simple pleasures that nature can provide.  I am pleased to announce that, in what has become a beloved annual tradition, the giant orange mushrooms are back in our backyard for the 4th year running.  So bright, so cheerful, so bio-luminescent, just plain perfect.

Slowly Starting Back

** The following post was written by my husband, as he hijacked my blog last night while I slept. He was so sick of not seeing anything new on my blog he took it upon himself to write something. Hence, the " I look forward each day to seeing his beautiful face and just basking in the glow of his presence" to name one incidence. Doubtless he is hoping that I will now be forced to follow through documenting the things he has listed. We'll see. I am a stubborn sort.**

Don’t get too excited that I am posting something new, this is not groundbreaking material. I just anted to get out a brief overview of some of the topics I have in mind to blog about in the near future. I think that writing them down will help me follow through with it.

First, you may be asking “Where has Jessie been?” For the most part, I’ve been right here. The biggest thing we’ve had going on is all the changes with Timm’s new job. Saying that it has been nice to have him home more doesn’t quite cover it. I don’t know if I have any language that can. I am more in love with him every day. He is the most stable, gentle, loving person in our house, and I just don’t know how we function when he isn’t around. I look forward each day to seeing his beautiful face and just basking in the glow of his presence.

We have also been super busy working on our house. We have moved the girls into the same room (Fiona’s), which also involved a new dresser (Craigslist), a new bunk bed (built by Timm), reworking the closet to make room for more cloths, extra storage, careful culling and a myriad of other changes. That left Bella’s room open which we are planning to make over into a combination toy room, reading room, and guest space.

I spent countless hours sorting through everything we own, and I now claim the title “queen of culling.” We sold a lot of things online (Craigslist again), and had a yard sale with total profit around $1000.00. Sweet.

In the living room, we have installed some bookshelves, which are fabulous, and have plans for a ladder. Yes, you read that correctly, we will have a ladder. In our house. We will have a ladder inside our house. Like a library, but in our house. I know.

I got a new 12 foot long workspace in my studio. I can’t even begin to imagine projects big enough to use a space like that, but I’m sure I will eventually.

There's a lot more to write, but like the title implies, I just want to get a little start and build up from there.

Featured

Alright, alright- I know, I took a near summer-long blogging hiatus, but it's coming to an end, I promise. I have stacks of titles of blogs to come, many photos, many projects both major and minor in all stages of completion, and it is all coming- but first, Odeedoh featured Bella's Book Party today, so as if you haven't seen enough of it already, check it out!
Oh, and if you're visiting from Ohdeedoh, Welcome! I usually post more regularly. I have excuses for this time around. They're coming too.
And the name of the bog is actually just 'Call Me Badger'- it's just that they last time I updated my banner was the spring. Pooh.
Stay tuned!

Good Question

Hey guys, Odeedoh is featuring my 'Good Question' today. Take a look at the link, and leave a comment on their site if you have a good suggestion!

Thanks :)