Call Me Badger

Crazy Person, literally.

2012-01-19T19:57:00.000-05:00

What we have here is one of those good news/bad news situations.

The kind where it's hard to tell which is which.

First, some background.

Obviously I have been absent for a few months. Part of that was just busy with projects and some hypomania after Timm got his new job. That eventually slid into a muddied, deliberate avoidance of blogs in general. I told myself it wasn't because I was depressed, knowing that avoidance of any and all social contact is usually my number 1 sign of depression . I also wasn't emailing, or talking on the phone. I had gone from running 25 miles a week, to not having laced up my running shoes in over a month. Pretty much just going to church on Sundays, and maybe grocery shopping on Saturdays. 5-6 days a week were spent in my pajamas all day, sleeping as much as possible, and steadily putting on weight. (12 pounds since Thanksgiving to be specific.) The only time I put my foot out the door was the unavoidable trek to the bus stop each morning at 7:30. In all honesty, I wouldn't even have bothered to do that except that it's much easier to have Bella at school all day. (That and truancy laws.) Sometimes I didn't shower for that many days at a time either. Full disclosure.

After you've spent 6 days straight in your pajamas, haven't left the house, and worn a path into the carpet from bed to couch to fridge and back, it's hard to deny that you might, just maybe, be depressed. Especially when you're daily routine involves sleeping on the couch every morning after dropping your eldest off at the bus stop while your youngest patiently absorbs a lot of Netflix-streamed tv.

Unfortunately this scenario is nothing new to me. I have been dealing with major depression all of my adult life. It's really quite tiresome and boring. So armed with my fancy new health insurance, I decided to go see a psychiatrist for the first time in over 4 years to try and see if we could find a different treatment than the one I've been on for so long. I didn't feel very good about the appointment or her opinion, so I sought a second opinion and waited 3 months to see a different doctor, which I finally did this week. Which leads me to the good news/bad news portion of this post.

The good news is that I probably do not have Bipolar II Disorder, as I have long suspected that I did and researched.

The bad news is that I do show symptoms of the following disorders:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depressive Disorder

and last but not least

Eating Disorder NOS ('Not Otherwise Specified')

You know, your typical OCD/ADHD/Anxiety-ridden massively depressed person with an eating disorder.

I got that diagnosis in Provo before moving here, but conveniently forgot about it until I had the pleasure of reading over my psychiatry records in detail. Hey, if anything can pull you out of a debilitating depression, it's reading over your medical assessments and lack of progress over several years from the perspective of a trained mental health practitioner.On a good note, she did indicate that I was very attractive. (That was of course one line mixed in paragraphs upon paragraphs about my obsessiveness over food, weight, body image, and self-worth.)

Right.

So for now not much has changed. This doctor agreed that I am probably nor Bipolar- II or otherwise. I see him again in a month and I sure hope we can make some changes so I feel alive again. Which is not to say that I am sad- those blessed individuals with no experience with depression probably don't understand that. Probably because of the antidepressants I've been on for years, I do not currently have a sad depression. It's the bored apathy that is wasting me. The inability to find any purpose in showering, dressing, or leaving the house. So in the meantime, I'll try to suck it up and make the tiny goals that brand-new mothers and invalids make each day- For tomorrow: shower, dress, and make the bed.

I also read a bit in my files about my Eating Disorder (NOS), which I'll explore in another post. In the meantime I'm planning on going to Weight Watchers tomorrow, perpetuating my 'ED (NOS)'. I'm trying to remember the therapeutic benefits of writing, and will thusly torture anyone reading with an account of this roller coaster.

Good times!

She Says

2012-01-11T15:36:00.001-05:00

Me: Wasn't it fun to have the Lees over for dinner last night?
Bella (age 6): Yeah. Want to know what we played?
Me: Sure.
B: We acted out a scripture story!
Me: Ohh, that sounds fun! (thinking. Oh my gosh- they are such dorks.)
Which one did you act out?
B: The Man Possessed By Evil Spirits.
Me: Oh dear!
B: What 'Oh dear'?
Me: Nothing. Who played what parts?
B: Well, Mia was Jesus.
Me: Okay, who was the man possessed?
B: Well there was only one boy!
Me: I don't know, Mia played Jesus, so...
B: Truman was the man. I read the story while they acted it out.
And I was a pig.
Me: Aha.
B: We used hangers on Truman to be the chains he was tied up with that he could break out of.

(She really like to read the simplified, illustrated scriptures. She chooses an extra scripture story for her story each night, then often takes them to bed and continues reading. Oh dear.)

A Halloween Tradition

2011-11-01T11:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of costumes, candy, and everything else that goes on for Halloween, it is easy to forget the simple pleasures that nature can provide. I am pleased to announce that, in what has become a beloved annual tradition, the giant orange mushrooms are back in our backyard for the 4th year running. So bright, so cheerful, so bio-luminescent, just plain perfect.

Slowly Starting Back

2011-10-27T22:20:00.002-04:00

** The following post was written by my husband, as he hijacked my blog last night while I slept. He was so sick of not seeing anything new on my blog he took it upon himself to write something. Hence, the " I look forward each day to seeing his beautiful face and just basking in the glow of his presence" to name one incidence. Doubtless he is hoping that I will now be forced to follow through documenting the things he has listed. We'll see. I am a stubborn sort.**

Don’t get too excited that I am posting something new, this is not groundbreaking material. I just anted to get out a brief overview of some of the topics I have in mind to blog about in the near future. I think that writing them down will help me follow through with it.

First, you may be asking “Where has Jessie been?” For the most part, I’ve been right here. The biggest thing we’ve had going on is all the changes with Timm’s new job. Saying that it has been nice to have him home more doesn’t quite cover it. I don’t know if I have any language that can. I am more in love with him every day. He is the most stable, gentle, loving person in our house, and I just don’t know how we function when he isn’t around. I look forward each day to seeing his beautiful face and just basking in the glow of his presence.

We have also been super busy working on our house. We have moved the girls into the same room (Fiona’s), which also involved a new dresser (Craigslist), a new bunk bed (built by Timm), reworking the closet to make room for more cloths, extra storage, careful culling and a myriad of other changes. That left Bella’s room open which we are planning to make over into a combination toy room, reading room, and guest space.

I spent countless hours sorting through everything we own, and I now claim the title “queen of culling.” We sold a lot of things online (Craigslist again), and had a yard sale with total profit around $1000.00. Sweet.

In the living room, we have installed some bookshelves, which are fabulous, and have plans for a ladder. Yes, you read that correctly, we will have a ladder. In our house. We will have a ladder inside our house. Like a library, but in our house. I know.

I got a new 12 foot long workspace in my studio. I can’t even begin to imagine projects big enough to use a space like that, but I’m sure I will eventually.

There's a lot more to write, but like the title implies, I just want to get a little start and build up from there.

Featured

2011-09-27T19:17:00.000-04:00

Alright, alright- I know, I took a near summer-long blogging hiatus, but it's coming to an end, I promise. I have stacks of titles of blogs to come, many photos, many projects both major and minor in all stages of completion, and it is all coming- but first, Odeedoh featured Bella's Book Party today, so as if you haven't seen enough of it already, check it out!
Oh, and if you're visiting from Ohdeedoh, Welcome! I usually post more regularly. I have excuses for this time around. They're coming too.
And the name of the bog is actually just 'Call Me Badger'- it's just that they last time I updated my banner was the spring. Pooh.
Stay tuned!

Good Question

2011-08-17T13:35:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, Odeedoh is featuring my 'Good Question' today. Take a look at the link, and leave a comment on their site if you have a good suggestion!

Thanks :)

A History of Pests

2011-08-13T16:19:00.000-04:00

When I die, let it be said that I have a respect for insecta of all kinds. My respect is primarily reserved to those who observe the unspoken edict that they remain out of doors, never crossing the threshold of our home. I can identify the purpose and usefulness of some of these insects, and understand that they play a role in nature. There are a few that are anomalies, such as the mosquito, that serve no purpose other than to spread communicable diseases and itching welts- but I hear there are insects that are actually beneficial if not entirely innocuous. I reserve a hallowed place for one type of insect in my home, however. One that is not really an insect at all really, an arachnid. I leave the spiders to their peace so that they may aid me in my mission to eradicate the actually bothersome insects.

Before we moved here, my cousin Cathryne warned me that North Carolina was home to more insects than anywhere in the nation, some of them as large as birds. She learned this from a stint she spent in Chapel Hill. She claimed she could not even sit in the grass for fear of the many classes of insects that threatened to overtake her. I waived away her concerns, believing that she and I must be cut from a different cloth. She was right. In fact, depending on the time of day, you can hear a veritable roar of cicadas that quickly becomes background noise, part and parcel of living in the South.

However.

Once said insects cross into my territory- into a carpeted, air-conditioned, civilized world-all bets are off.

For the most part, our home regularly only houses the human and feline species, but occasionally something else sneaks in. I can't really blame them- especially in August, but that doesn't change the fact that they are entirely unwelcome.

I will now chronicle for you our history of pests in this home:

Only twice since we moved here 4 years ago have I seen a cockroach- big, black 2-inch suckers that scurry and flee to the shelter of the underside of the couch or my sink drain. That's not bad for 4 years, but both of these incidences incited a near riot of one. I sat perched on my couch, which I quickly became afraid of, imagining it's many insidious and invisible predators that prey on dead skin cells and my peace of mind. Suddenly, I lived in a tainted world. All porous surfaces were suspect, and could I have afforded it, I would have hired a fumigator, ordered all new furniture and carpet, a Kirby cleaner, and a deep-cleaning team of specialists within the 5 minutes of sighting the cockroach. Alas, I was left to buy copious amounts of roach bait, clean compulsively and keep the name of an exterminator on hand should I sight another one.

One of my cat's many faults is that they cannot eat without spilling cat food all over the floor. This may have something to do with the fact that all of Smeagle's tiny front cat teeth have fallen out, he has recently lost an incisor and a molar, and his remaining teeth are so plaque-encrusted it sometimes makes closing his mouth difficult. Nevertheless, they spill their food all over the floor, which sustains a large colony of the tiniest ants in the world who keep a steady track from the cat food to my window sill.

Once I discovered some very small larvae-looking things in the bottom of a rank laundry basket where damp clothes may have been collecting for longer than is advisable. Repulsed, I whisked them into a collection jar, and started my research, afraid for bed bugs. They turned out to be carpet beetles, which after my reading I was convinced would be the ruination of our home and family. I vacuumed religiously and kept better up on the laundry which were my only defenses against them.

I have seen and heard mice in my kitchen so many times I disregard it now. I've actually only sighted one once, but I am convinced that everything I hear from that vicinity is a mouse, hellbent on bringing my insanity to full fruition. As with the other pests I have battled, I go straight for the big guns. Had these mice been found in nature, I would smile at their small, cute natures and leave them to themselves. But once again, once they enter into my home, all I can think of is vanquishment at any cost. Mouse traps and carefully placed mouse poison. Incidentally, my cats are completely useless against these pets. Never once have they caught a mouse, though they sometimes lay in wait, studying a corner of my kitchen which always makes me uneasy. Once, several years ago, Dobby caught a fly by one wing in her mouth, then eating it, earning her the nickname of 'Ninja Cat'. That has been the whole of their usefulness in their 7 1/2 years.

A few weeks ago, Timm came home from Scout camp and dumped his bag on the living room floor. Later that day, a small blue-tailed lizard was seen racing through the living room. This variety is often seen sunning on our front porch, making a hasty retreat as soon as you open the door. This was the first time I had seen a reptile in this home. Smeagle darted after it, causing Bella to sing his praises whenever possible to allay Timm's threats of turning him into 'Smeagle bacon'. I picked it up, it comically clamped down on my finger, and I released it outside. I blamed it on Timm's scout bag, but I'm really not so sure.

The next week, I was in the kitchen when Fiona came to me, wide-eyed saying: 'mama! There's a fwogda wiving woom!' (Or, 'Mama, there's a frog in the living room!') I chided her 2-year old imagination and moved to inspect. There, in close proximity to our dryer, was a frog, completely covered in lint. His eyeballs were so coated with it that he struggled to close his eyes and I had to thoroughly rinse him in the kitchen sink before returning him outside. I will admit, that one still mystifies me.

All of this evidence, collected, sounds horrifying. It makes me out to be a slovenly, unkempt and unsanitary person. That I might be, but our home is not. It's not perfect, but most of the time I like to think my house is cleaner than many others. As an example, I sweep my kitchen at least 3 times a day. This is in part because I have small children who eat like Cookie Monster, and because I cannot abide the feeling of crumbs underfoot. After the cockroach debacle, I further intensified my sweeping initiatives. My point is, I am not living in the deplorable conditions this evidence would suggest, and there is no need, at this time, to contact Child Protective Services.

And then. Then.

The whammy.

Lice.

Machine Washable

2011-07-28T14:15:00.001-04:00

I don't have a lot of 'nice' things. Don't get me wrong- I have cute things, they're just not usually very high quality. Anything nice that I do have is almost certainly a gift or a hand-me-down from my mom. I've always said that were it not for my benefactor, we'd have cinder block bookshelves and bed sheets stapled to the windows. Because of her, my home has never reflected how truly poor we might have been at the time. I was raised in a very nice home and was quite accustomed to fine things, but as I ventured out in a poorly disguised version of 'living on my own' I became more and more aware that my adult life would probably not mirror the example I had as a child. I was not raised in wealth, nor was I particularly spoiled, but I never had to go without and I could usually have what I needed. Our homes were not small, and they were always beautifully appointed.

I went through a series of progressive adjustments once I left the comparative luxury of my parent's home and became accustomed to the fact that I would lead a simpler lifestyle. My lack of expensive things originated from the lack of money necessitated to buy high quality things, but fortunately for me it has also become a choice of lifestyle. I have definite opinions, styles, and preferences, but I have found that they can almost always be accommodated without spending a lot of money. Because I was fortunate enough to be raised in beautiful and creative environments I learned to create those spaces myself. There are times when something may warrant spending as much as you can afford, when you are buying an investment piece or something substantial where cheap just won't do, but many more times when it is just not expedient to spend exorbitant amounts of money unnecessarily.

I'm also very casual. I don't own or even want china. I don't care about a formal dining room. I don't care much for anything formal in fact. And clothes? Getting dressed up and accessorized once a week for church is fulfilling enough for me. The rest of the week I am usually happy in jeans or even stretchy pants unless an occasion warrants otherwise. Sometimes I work hard and sweat profusely, staining my clothes. I get down on my hands and knees and get to work, in whatever I'm wearing. I have to scrub toilets and bathtubs. I clean litter boxes and wipe bums. I need clothes I can move in, and that will not cost me an arm and leg to repeatedly throw in the washer and dryer- or worse, dry cleaning! (the horror) And sometimes I drip ice cream down my front, or more often I drop food into my cavernous cleavage. Sometimes I don't find it until I change my clothes at night when it falls out of my bra.

I also have kids. As a new mother I was aghast to find dry clean-only baby clothes! I don't want silk covered chairs that I have to cover, again, when they are in use to protect the silk. I don't want fabrics that will stain and ruin with the very threat of little fingers approaching and that will stain once again as I try to clean them. I don't want delicate drapes that will tear the first time one of my errant children plays in them despite my repeated threats of bodily harm if they should do so. I want something I can repeatedly throw in the wash and know it will come out alright. I want a clean home as well, and feel satisfied by washing something and then drying it in high temperatures, erasing and killing whatever may be there, real or unreal, seen or unseen.

A long time ago as I was washing my living room pillows for the umpteenth time, I realized that I live a 'machine washable life', and I like it. I think you could aptly describe my whole life with that term: Machine Washable. Sensible, practical, durable, affordable, but still cute. Something that might get dirty frequently because you really use it, sharing it with people in your life, but is easily remedied, coming out clean again and again- if not a little worse for the wear.

That's me- Machine Washable. My person, my home, my lifestyle.

Week In Repose

2011-07-17T23:35:00.000-04:00

I think this last week might have been a first for us- we had an entire week together at home, with no work obligations whatever. We had nowhere to be, nothing to do. So, being an almost-agoraphobe, that's what we did: go nowhere, do nothing. Mostly.

(I'm still red. Update: The public is divided. Studies show that 22% of people think I'm inappropriate, 36% don't care, and 56% of people think I'm rad.)

{My half-up 'do looks a little swirly from above.}

One day we melted down old crayons and poured them into candy molds to make rainbow crayons in various shapes. I've wanted to do this forever, and I don't know why it took this long to do.

Saturday was our big family date. (Timm finally got a paycheck in the mail yesterday that we had been waiting for, so we treated ourselves to a day of debauchery.)

First up: IHOP. I had New York cheesecake pancakes. Seriously. Cheesecake chunks in the pancakes, with whipped cream, strawberries, and strawberry syrup.

{Overhead florescent lighting: Universally flattering.}

Afterwards we walked next door to a new (to me) used bookstore I had never seen. Molly and I had previously gone down to an area called Plaza Midwood to go to the used bookstore /cat adoption center, but I loved this one! The setup was awesome, and the kids were entertained the whole time. We could have gone there for the whole date and they would have been happy.

Bella entertained Fiona with puppet shows in their theater while we shopped.

Timm was dismayed that I was photographing him sitting in a child's school desk.

Okay. Here's where it gets good. Earlier in the week, Timm had attended the premier of Harry Potter 7 Part 2. For the occasion, he made himself a new wand. (Because of course he already had an old wand that he made-) He also made one for Hayden, Blake, and their cousin Paul, with more on order. He is like a kid with a new toy- he brings his wand everywhere. Everywhere. He holsters it in his pocket and requested that maybe I sew a compartment within his pocket that is deeper to accomodate the length of the wand. I had to shame him into leaving it in the car, and not bringing it into IHOP or our next destination.

He drove with his wand readied at all times. Obviously. As we rode he brandished it casting various spells on passersby and other cars. He prounounced 'Avada Kedavra!' on Scar in the Lion King, causing his ultimate demise. When fires ravaged the plains of the same movie, Timm was ready with 'Aguamenti!', dousing the fires with life-saving water. Coming up behind a pedestrian on the side of the road he waved his wand and shouted 'Expelliarmus!', disarming the thug before he could do anyone harm. He made sure that Bella knew he had just disarmed this potential threat. Along the way he made up several of his own spells to suit his needs at the time.

So I made him leave it in the car when we went bowling.

And holy crap! Bowling's expensive! Nearly $50 for the whole family. Sheesh.

I think we might have bowled together once when Bella was younger. I had no real recollection of the experience, so when Timm took his turn, his highly stylized professional form took me by surprise. It looked so polished and practiced. Then when the ball started to veer sharply to the right, heading straight for the gutter, I snorted audibly. He threw the ball with such confidence and panache that when it started to sail straight for failure I couldn't restrain myself. But then something amazing happened: As it rolled along the edge, straddling the bumper and the lane, it took an abrupt turn as though he willed it to do so (even though he left his wand in the car) and spun in the other direction to knock down a bunch of pins. The next time he did it again to get a spare, and several times he got a strike. I was astounded and humbled for laughing at him. He was giddy that after 8 years of marriage he still had secrets.

This series shows his form, but not the incredibly veering ball.

I have to say, I was suitably impressed. Especially since he did in unaided by magic.

{Helping Bella}

This picture is so blurry but I love the expression of glee as she runs back from her bowl. She insisted on doing it all herself- she would heave the ball onto the lane where it landed with an impressive and solid thud, then roll, impossibly slowly, down the lane. It inched so painfully slowly to the end of the lane, it's all you could do not to audibly groan. When it finally reached its target, even the pins seemed to fall in slow motion as her ball tapped them over. She was thrilled.

Fiona made her own fun.

This impish look and tilt of the head, right here, is what wins you over every time from Fiona. This is evidence of the skillfully crafted charm she has honed to manipulate you. She has wiles that make you endure, even cheerfully, her antics and demands and rulings. She really has a knack.

Those bowling shoes were so cute on little feet and those skinny and chubby legs respectively.

So that was Saturday.

Over the week I was also commissioned by my children to draw Dobby several times. I really love to draw, and used to do it constantly as a child. I used to say I was going to go to art school. I need to find ways to practice this lost love in my life.

Before church on Sunday I put a Coke (Zero, of course) in the freezer to quickly chill. This is what I was greeted with upon my return from church:

I forgot about it, obviously.

One of my very favorite things. And Fiona's. Probably due in large part to many prayers, Bella loves to read. She reads all the time, anywhere and Fiona is a happy audience most of the time. I. Love. It.

Timm starts his new job tomorrow, so we will be sad to lose him during the day, but will happily accept his new paycheck.

A Teacher's Fate

2011-07-14T23:44:00.003-04:00

Associated Press

photo taken in St. George, Utah- April 2011

"I think these turned out okay, honey", she says as she closely inspects a dish from the dishwasher, putting it away. Conscientious homemaker? Maybe. These days the dishes need a closer look since they're washed without dishwasher detergent. "I just put the dishwasher on the sanitize anti-bacterial setting and hope for the best!" says Jessie Tanner, 30 of North Carolina. They've recently hit a rough patch, but nothing they haven't seen before. "Well, we're on our last 2 rolls of toilet paper, we don't have any dishwasher detergent, I think we might have one more load of laundry soap, and I've got about 25 baby wipes left.What else? Yesterday the last cup of milk we had froze so I poured ice chips over my cereal and waited for it to melt a little. Oh, and we used our last pocket change to buy a small bag of cat litter, cause you can't really get by without that!"

What has landed the Tanners in this financial blight? Are they among the 9% of unemployed Americans in this country? Hardly. Timm Tanner, 32, has worked at least 2 jobs for the last 10 years. One of which used to be a high school teacher, and not just any teacher but 'Teacher of the Year'. A very talented teacher, one that has been recognized by his students, his peers, and his superiors. So what happened? When the Tanners moved to North Carolina 4 years ago they knew what they were in for. Teacher's salary schedules are public information, and shows you your entire career in a table projecting the next 30 years. There are no secrets, and the future doesn't look exceptionally bright for teachers in America. Worse still if there is a salary freeze, which has been in effect since Timm's first year teaching. At year 4 he is still making the same salary he did when he started, with no end in sight. There is no telling when the freeze will be lifted, and he will never resume the same year's salary that he is entitled based on the schedule he was hired on. The Tanners have one car, their two daughters Bella, 6, and Fiona, 2, qualify for Medicaid and Jessie hasn't had health coverage in 4 years. At times they've even qualified for food stamps, though they haven't used them since moving to North Carolina, despite Timm working as many as 17 hours a day. Such is the plight of teachers in America. Even for 'Teachers of the Year'.

"I told her just to enjoy this last time we'll have to go through this. Right now we have less than a dollar in our bank account, our credit cards are overdrawn and our gas tank is on empty. But this is the last time!" explains Timm. "I just took a job with Carolina's Healthcare and start next week." Timm has left teaching high school and instead will be training physicians in technology applications- a major loss to public education, and doubtless a disappointment for his returning students in the fall. "I have to take care of my family, number one, and I can't continue to do that this way." Timm explains.

This isn't the first time a teacher has left education for (literally) greener pastures, and it won't be the last. There is little incentive for talented teachers to enter the teaching field, and even less for them to stay. Until this country changes it's priorities and pays teachers a salary commensurate with their worth and their abilities, it will continue to happen in increasing numbers. Timm's new job is a perfect example. With Carolina's Healthcare, he will start at a salary 50% more than his two jobs combined, working one job with hours that will leave him with time for his family, and the money to take care of them.

"We're really excited to move onto this next phase in our lives. And to go grocery shopping!" Jessie exults.

*No details in this article have been exaggerated

An Outline of Events From 6/4 through 7/6

2011-07-08T22:03:00.000-04:00

(or, where I've been for a month)

Introduction: Summer Hits Hard

I. I turn 30.

II. I continue my running career

III. Timm gets a new job

IV. Summer Fun

Introduction: Summer Hits Hard

By way of explanation, summer came. I was plodding along, going about my usual business, when Wham! school was out and Bella was home every day. All day. Were you aware this happened every June? Cause it kind of sidelined me. Here's the thing: (I say 'Here's the Thing' a lot, I think.) Social interaction drains me. (I am an almost-agoraphobe after all) Even when the social interaction is enjoyable, fun, and energizing, when all is said and done, it drains me. I only recharge in solitude. (As grandma used to say, solitude is restorative, and it is) So suddenly, Bella was home everyday and I was thrust back into full-time motherhood of two small girls who bicker and squabble at least as often as they play cooperatively. And Fiona, she alone could wear out an army in a day. She never stops, never slows, never quiets. It's go, go, go, and yammering away all day. So anyway, I found that my days with the girls were about all the social interaction I could stand. At day's end, when they were finally in bed, I just wanted to be alone and bask in my own company. No emailing, no commenting, no blogging, no phone conversations- I was done. Tapped. And for 2 1/2 of those weeks Timm was out of town, so it was single motherhood for me. Yikes. But I've taken a month and adapted a bit. So here we are.

I. I turn 30.

I did, last month. June 18th. Thank you to all who sent well wishes and notes and gifts! It was a wonderful birthday. It had the makings to be disappointing because Timm had to leave town the morning of my birthday. Luckily, my parents came into town the day before so I got to spend it with them. It is wonderful to be with your mother on your birthday- especially when you have my mother and she takes birthdays seriously. I even got to go on a rare date with Timm the night before he left. The day of my birthday I spent with mom and Linda, doing the kind of things I rarely do, namely: shopping, a spa pedicure and out to lunch. Then we went out to dinner with Linda's family. All in all, it was a great day, a great milestone birthday. I highly recommend celebrating with your mother whenever possible.

II. I Continue My Running Career

I've continued to run 3 times a week for the last few weeks and I love/hate it. Running is a fickle, fickle friend. Two days ago I ran for 2.5 miles and I felt like I was floating on air. It was amazing. Tonight I ran 2 miles and I felt like someone was hitting me with a hammer the entire, arduous time. Terrible.

Some of the highlights: when I got my spa pedicure the woman asked me if I was a runner, judging from a purple toenail. When I answered her in the affirmative, it was one of the best days of my life. Plus, it was my 30th birthday, so win-win.

A few days previous, I had to relieve some of the pressure in that toenail by stabbing a sewing needle under my nail bed. Repeatedly. Like, all the way down the whole nail bed. The weird thing is, it didn't even hurt.

Tonight, the toenail fell off. I thought I had salvaged it, but nope. I have a good 'nail in training' going on now. That's actually what they call the nail bed underneath that toughens up and eventually grows out to be a regular nail, months later. I feel validated.

III. Timm gets a new job.

Yep.

IV. Summer Fun

Just kidding!

I'll tell you about the job now. It's pretty freakin' exciting if you're Jessie Tanner. Which I am. So I'm pretty freakin' excited.

Fortuitously, proving that it's all in who you know, Timm got a job with Carolina's Healthcare. The Young Mens President he is a counselor to gave him a heads up about an opening as a trainer for physicians. It's still unclear to me what exactly he will be doing, but it involves training physicians in technology. Or something. What I do know, is that for the first time since I met Timm 9 years ago, he will only be working 1 job. One solitary, splendid job. (He has always worked between 2 and 4 jobs. 4.) I also know that it will be a 50% increase over our previous sad salary. We don't even know what it will be like, but we plan on seeing a lot more of each other, having a family day together once a week, paying off some debt and eventually even, dare I say it, saving some money. He starts on the 18th, so we have a week together before he begins his new career.

And in the mean time we are keeping busy with all kinds of summer fun. Which I will try and detail and chronicle as the summer days wear on.

Back In Action...

2011-07-07T21:53:00.000-04:00

With a new look:

Funky hair and hair colors are nothing new to me. I have had almost every color, natural and otherwise. I've been a bright blond, burgundy red, near black and every combination in between. I've had bright blue and hot pink streaks. I've rocked a faux hawk, cut my own hair, and usually worn it in a short pixie or a grown-out version. When we moved here 4 years ago I had 2-3" panels of blond in my naturally dark hair. So I like having fun with my hair.

I have very conservative values, but my style is a little more edgy. The problem is, I don't usually feel like my exterior accurately reflects how I feel. Now before you think I'm talking like a teenager, yearning to find expression in rebellious manifestations like piercing and tattoos, consider this: everyone has a style. Everyone tries to express themselves in the way they present themselves to the world, whether it be through clothing, accessories, shoes, hair, or home decor. Everyone has a style they feels represents them and makes them comfortable, whether or not they show that to the world. If you doubt this is the case, imagine that you couldn't wear your own clothing. Imagine if I, or your mother, or your neighbor, or the frumpy person who sits behind you in church got to pick out your clothes. And do your hair and makeup. I'd bet that you would not feel entirely comfortable in that style. It may be a paper bag-shaped house dress, or thigh-high boots, or Birkenstocks. Chances are, one or more of those things makes you cringe. So what difference does it make if my manifestation is in my hair color or my style of dress?

It's not like I emblazoned an enormous tattoo across my chest, proclaiming my allegiance to the Dark Lord.

(Which was plan B if I didn't do the hair color.)

I totally get that most people might not feel comfortable doing this to their hair and some think it looks downright stupid, however, there shouldn't be a judgement of character attached to it. Having bright red hair does not make me any less mature, any less committed to motherhood, or the gospel. It just makes me feel good. It's fun. A harmless, temporary, and reversible bit of fun that has no ramifications or effect on my spirit or my person.

So can't a girl have bit of fun?

I've opened up a poll on my sidebar so that you may answer anonymously. I'm really curious. I like it regardless, but I'd like to get a good idea for what people think. go ahead, give me what you've got. Even if you never comment, consider casting your vote.

And next time, very shortly, I will attempt to explain my one month absence from blogging. But first, let's get this hair thing out of the way.

I Can Do Hard Things

2011-06-02T22:00:00.001-04:00

Here's the thing: I am not naturally athletic. Not by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I think my peak athleticism was in 6th grade when I was the girl to beat, among both sexes, in short sprints. I had a pretty mean slap shot in floor hockey as well, both in gym class with Mr. G, and in my basement where my brother and I may have broken a window a time or two. Ah, the glory days. I suppose I'm one of those nearly middle-aged people reminiscing about their athletic prowess in their school-days. Elementary school days.

At any given moment, i would much rather read a book than exert myself in any way. I would also rather, at all times, be inside the comfort of my climate-controlled air conditioned house fully furnished with couches than to be outside for almost any reason- where temperatures fluctuate, humidity wraps itself around you like a smothering cloak, things are forever swarming and crawling on you. I think Denise said it best when describing our family, "We're low-level recreators".

However, from as early as I can remember, I've envied runners. I always assumed that running was something that required a specific gene- you either had the gene and were therefore a runner or were capable of becoming a runner, or you did not. I fit squarely in the latter group: I definitely did not have the gene. I remember watching Law & Order over the years, and determining if I could outrun my attacker. Sadly in every instance I was forced to stop, doubled over, hands on my knees as I tried to catch my breath and my attacker inevitably overcame me. I could never escape someone in pursuit of me. So I resigned myself to envy and sloth.

It's not that I never tried; I remember several times as a teenager trying to get out there and improve my run: walk ratio, but it was just so hard. And even after 3 or 4 tries I still didn't seem to see rapid improvement. It was still hard. It still made my lungs burn and my feet feel like they were encased in cement blocks. I was an imposter- who was I fooling? I could try and run, but I would still never be a runner. Genetics were against me, and genetics combined with fat legs and a propensity towards laziness were formidable opponents indeed.

I don't know when my mindset changed, but I think about 2 years ago when Fiona was a few months old, I got it in my head that I was going to try again. I know I will never be a talented athlete- I can't play any sports and do not relish any activity where a ball is flying towards my head. I do not enjoy the thrill of exercise. I find it all boring, tedious, and hard. However- I thought through hard work and perseverance, I could train myself to run. You don't necessarily have to have any skill to run, you just need to work hard. And lazy though I might be, I am also quite tenacious. It's one the strange dichotomies of my personality. (Hence, the Badger. Badgers are nothing if not tenacious.)

What appealed to me so much about running was the honesty of it. It was so simple, so clear cut, unpretentious, not contrived. It was hard, but I saw through many examples of former non-runners, it was something you could learn to do. It was solitary. Running took me somewhere, both in my mind on on my feet. Exercise is not a social activity for me. I run to escape. I run to run away from my family. When I run, I am both running towards something, and running to escape something. Only this time it's not an imaginary predator from Law & Order- I am running to escape the pressures and stresses of domestic life. Smotherhood. I am running away from the role of mother and caregiver and running towards myself. While I am running I leave it all out there so that when I return I am ready again. Ready to be the mother.

6 months ago I was able to run 3 miles at a stretch (albeit very slowly) several times a week. I don't think that I will ever be especially skilled at running, or ever very fast. But the fact that I am running at all, is a huge accomplishment for me. The exhilaration and pride I feel after a run when I have pushed myself to the limit and given everything I have is unrivaled with anything else I have ever done. Running 3 miles was impossible, and I proved to myself that I could do the impossible. That I could change who I was and who I wanted to be. That I could do hard things. And if I could learn to run 3, why not more?

Sweaty Romance

2011-06-01T22:12:00.001-04:00

I recently rekindled an on-again, off-again romance.

We haven't had any contact for about 6 months, and even then it was spotty, although our last encounter was also at it's peak intensity.

We had an abrupt break up, but I've been toying with the idea of a rendevous for a couple of months now.

Monday it happened.

I ran.

Or, "ran", rather.

For precisely 15 minutes.

Then I walked for about 45 more after that.

The sad thing is, my "run" is about as fast as my walk, only I pick my feet up higher, it's a hell of a lot harder and it hurts more.

Tonight I repeated the humiliation, but this time endured for precisely 16.5 minutes. (I'm trying to increase my time by roughly 10% each time until I get back up to where I was, albeit briefly, 6 months ago.)

Music is vital. It's what keeps me from thinking about about the pain, discomfort and how much time I have left for the entire time. It knocks it down to about 90% of the time.

Disclaimer: Sometimes the music is running only. Something I would never listen to otherwise, and I cannot guarantee the content or subject matter of any of it. An asterisk denotes a running only song, so don't judge me.

Monday's playlist:

The Garden- Mirah

Foundations- Kate Nash

*We Run This- Missy Elliot

Run (I'm a Natural Disaster)- Gnarls Barkley

Beware of the Boys- Panjabi MC

*Forever- Chris Brown

*Come Baby Come- K7

Going On- Gnarls Barkley

*Kickstart My Heart- Motley Crue

Them Girls- Run DMC w/ Fred Durst

*Whoomp! (There it is)- Tag Team

Break My Stride- Mathew Wilder

Today's playlist:

All This Beauty- the Weepies

Nothing in My Way- Keane

Runnin' Down a Dream- Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

Gone Daddy Gone- Gnarls Barkley

The Distance- Cake

Bang and Blame- REM

Everyday is a Winding Road- Prince

I Won't Back Down- Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

The Song Remains the Same- Led Zeppelin

Shiny Happy People- REM

Today is also a special day for us. It's National Running Day. So to commemorate, I went to our local running store, Run For Your Life, and got some expert advise on shoes. To make our newly rekindled love/hate romance official, I laid $100 down on new shoes.

We have another date on Friday!

Eeee!

(Exhausted, dizzy, and chilled is how you're supposed to feel after an amazing date, right?)
(Also, on our first date, I was warned that I have to drop 50 pounds pronto for this to continue. Something about he doesn't want to keep lugging around the extra weight. Maybe something about an image to protect as well. Relationships all have a give and take, right?)

Bella's Book Party

2011-05-31T12:04:00.000-04:00

Here's the thing: I have a lot of opinions about kid's birthday parties.

I don't do characters.

I won't send kids home with a bunch of crappy trinkets their parents either have to find a place for or surreptitiously throw away.

I also won't send them home with tons of candy they will relentlessly beg their parents for.

I don't want a dozen kids bringing a dozen presents for my birthday child on top of everything they've already received from us, grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends.

I don't think you need to spend a ton of money for kid's parties, and I still think simple is best.

Handmade is best.

Creativity is best.

I want them to reflect genuine values or interests that we have.

So that said, here is the party I put together for Bella. I am fortunate that she is tractable and still trusts all my ideas. I just pitch my idea with excitement, and she's on board.

And thus, the book party was born.

Invitations:

I bought a few children's books at Goodwill for buy one, get one free and ended up using them for many things for the party. First, I cut and then sewed them into simple flap envelopes for the invitations. For fun and interest I mixed and matched the front and backs of the envelopes from different books.

The actual invitations were downloaded and printed from Family Fun here .

Decor:

I relied mostly on books and other props we already owned for the decor, and used pages from the books I bought at Goodwill to make several banners with some bias tape.

(Doll I made and an elephant Michelle made for Bella's birthday)

I just piled books onto a plate rack in my kitchen and then strung it with a mini book page banner I made with some thin double-fold bias tape.

I made this banner from inspiration here.

I love the way it twirls and spins all the time. It's like art in motion.

Above the window I made a 'Happy Birthday Bella' banner with a scrabble font, with a large book page pennant banner beneath that.

And under that, a book page wreath from this tutorial.

Warning: It took forever to make. And it's still not done. I had to stop because of time constraints and I ran out of hot glue. This was by far the most time consuming part of the party preparation.

Activities:

I set up the table with some activities to keep the kids occupied while we waited for everyone to arrive. It generally takes about 20 minutes for everyone to arrive and I can't stand having a dozen kids run helter skelter all over my bitty house. I put out a bowl of scrabble tiles for the dual purpose of cuteness and manipulatives for the kids, and was surprised how much they played with them, spelling words.

I printed out kindergarten-level word searches (a favorite of Bella's) and some Dr. Suess coloring pages to keep them busy. They loved them!

After everyone arrived, I split the kids into 2 groups. One group stayed at the table and made bookmarks, all with craft supplies I had on hand: markers, foam stickers, scrapbook paper, paper flowers, ribbon, and rubber stamps and ink.

Meanwhile, I helped the other group with a 'Book Treasure Hunt' I made up.

I started by exclaiming that books were all treasures- of knowledge, imagination, adventure, and experiences and that we were going to find some of the treasures in these stories.

I made up 10 different clues that I glued in the back of each book. For instance, the first clue was "This friend should not be about while your mother is out!" (The Cat in the Hat) I gave them the first one, so the next clue was in the back of The Cat in the Hat and they had to work together to figure out all 10 books in order. Sometimes they could guess from the title, sometimes someone had read the book, and sometimes I had to nudge them in the right direction.

It was definitely most fun for the kids who were proficient and liked reading. (Bella loved it.)

I made these nerdy treasure maps to try and reinforce my somewhat contrived idea. At each number they wrote in the name of the book for that clue.

Their 'treasure' at the end was their favor bags. (More on those later-)

The third activity was probably their favorite.We played a book version of a cake walk. I scanned and printed full page book covers of some of our favorite books. I also printed smaller versions, like these fit on a sheet of paper. I laminated the full-size sheets and used them for the spots for the kids to stop on. I used the smaller ones folded in a paper bag as the 'call books'. (They moved around the books to They Might Be Giants album, 'No'.)

The best part was when their book was called, they each got to pick out a book to open. On the invitation, I asked the parents to bring a wrapped book for a book exchange in lieu of a gift. They were so excited to pick out a book and that everyone had a gift to open at the party. I was thankful for meaningful gifts for each of the kids and that Bella wasn't left with a pile of cheap toys she doesn't need.

Food:

Once again, I kept it simple. I love when I see huge dessert buffets at parties on blogs, and I love dreaming of various treats to make and how to arrange and display them. However, I don't want to spend a ton of money and more importantly, I don't want to feed the kids 50 kinds of sugar.

Small water bottles, covered in old book paper.

I ended up making cupcakes and a cake because I wanted to make sure we had enough. There were 13 kids and I wanted leftovers of my favorite cake in the world.

For the cupcakes I used the thumbnail versions of the book covers we scanned and used them for cupcake toppers.

Favors:

I cut off the bottom of a paper bag and sent it through my printer to put my quote on it. Then I zigzag stitched the bottom closed, and after filling it with goodies, stitched the top closed.

I bought some Dr. Seuss pencils on Amazon, printed some bookplates from here and made some bags of 'Book Worms'. (Just enough of a treat that they won't be begging for it for days on end, and bookplates and pencils that they can actually use. Plus a new book!)

And the grand total for the whole party was $53.37 total. Not too bad!

Best of all, Bella had a great time with her friends. I gotta say, it's a whole lot of work for an hour and a half party! It made me think, what have I started? I've done a party like this for the last 4 years, but I don't think I can do one every year for both of my girls! Not that I have any shortage of ideas though...I already have 3 or 4 ideas I'm batting around for next year.

Coming Soon

2011-05-29T23:10:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we had Bella's Book Birthday Party, and I think it went very well. It was cute, anyway. I have loads of pictures and details of the whole event to come, so stay tuned!

This Girl

2011-05-25T12:38:00.000-04:00

Sigh.

2 weeks ago this girl was almost 100% cute.

Just last week she was cracking me up and melting my heart by calling out "Heavenly Father loves me, mom! Heavenly Father loves me, mom!" when she woke up in the morning and from her nap. Yelling, at the top of her lungs.

This week, she is choosing to act the 2-year old part very well. To the fullest. A fully fleshed out 2-year old character.

She's always been quite a character, a lot pf personality. She's always been stubborn and opinionated. But now, she is in full force. She wants to do everything by herself, her way, on her terms. She does not take kindly to any suggestion, request or compromise.

Tantrums and timeouts abound.

It's no accident that parenthood is an essential part of our development, purpose, and exaltation. There are so many lessons that cannot be learned any other way. There is no other relationship that can approximate the parent-child relationship, and I say this all from my vast 6 years of experience as a mother. But seriously, in only 6 years I have learned (or more likely just begun to learn) lessons and character traits and patience that I couldn't have learned in any other way. Parenthood is a crash course in many things including selflessness and compromises and it is not for the faint of heart. So naturally, I daily feel that I am not up to the task and there must be some mistake in allowing me to be responsible for the raising of these children.

Fiona is putting me through the ringer right now. It is making me examine every request and directive that comes out of my mouth and constant assessment of my priorities and what is really important. I am choosing my battles, as they say. The problem is, I am stubborn like a 2-year old myself. I want to fight all the battles. I want everything to be important to me. I want to take stand on every issue, to teach a lesson, a value, a skill, to make a point. Unfortunately that is all more than counterproductive with Fiona, it is damaging and threatens our sanity. I am having to let a lot of things go, relinquish control, disregard what others might think and take a lot, a lot of deep breaths.Basically, I am having to overcome all of my natural inclinations.

Is it nap time yet?

(That is, until she finally learns to climb out of her crib. Say a little prayer for me.)

Birthday Badge

2011-05-22T11:16:00.002-04:00

Friday was Bella's 6th birthday, and for the occasion I made her a birthday badge. I took pictures as I went and thought I'd share them with you!

Here's what you'll need:

a Crystal Light lid (or similarly sized piece of plastic or cardboard)

Fabric scrap at least 5" in diameter

(2) 3" scraps of batting

1/4 yard pleated (or ruffled) quilt binding (you can buy this by the yard in the fabric section of your craft store)

(2) 5" pieces of ribbon, 1.5" wide

3.5" scrap of felt

9" ribbon, 1/4" wide

Flat back craft pin

hot glue gun

clear-drying craft glue

(note: whenever I say to 'glue' something, I am referring to hot glue, except for the one instance when I specify clear-drying craft glue)

Begin by making your birthday message. I chose to embroider 'birthday girl' (in the font 'Elise') because I wanted both of my girls to be able to reuse this year after year. Alternatively you could do several other things: cut their birthday number from felt and glue it on, cut and glue a felt monogram, stitch either of those things, or use fabric markers to write your message.

After you've prepared your birthday message, trace your Crystal Light lid lightly with a disappearing fabric pen or a pencil, so you can make sure the placement is correct. Then cut around that line about an inch on all sides.

Cut your batting into (2) 3" circles. (This is just approximate- you want it to fit on the lid.) Glue one of the pieces to the outside of your Crystal Light lid. Set the other one aside for now.

Now we are going to glue your fabric onto the lid, covering the batting. First glue the sides of the lid, working on opposite sides to ease the fabric onto the lid until you gave gone all the way around. It will look like this:

Then go around, gluing the excess fabric to the lid.

After that is glued down, glue your other batting circle to the inside of the lid.

Next, we're going to glue the pleated quilt binding to the inside of the lid, covering the batting you just glued down. Instead of the pleated quilt binding, you could also ruffle a ribbon or a piece of knit fabric. Glue it to the back of your lid, working your way around, making sure that you overlap the ends about 1/2" to ensure coverage and to hide your ends. You're going to be gluing the stitched portion of the binding, so that the pleats still show in the front, like this:

Now it will look like this from the front:

Notch your (2) 5" ribbons, and glue them to the back of the badge so the notched ends are on the bottom, overlapping like this:

Almost done! Now cut your felt scrap into a 3.5" circle, and glue it to the back of your badge so it looks nice and neat. Then hot glue your flat-backed pin to the middle of the felt, making sure it lies horizontally so the badge will hang the right way. (Notice the pin is parallel to the ribbons at the bottom)

After I finished it, I decided to glue a small 1/4" ribbon the the side of the badge, hiding any tucks or bulges that may have occurred when you glued the fabric around the back. I used clear-drying craft glue (Aileen's) for the trim. Then if you have a product like Fray-Chek, lightly apply it to the edges of the notched ribbons, to what else, prevent fraying. Otherwise you could very carefully apply a small amount of craft glue to the edges of the ribbon.

Voila!

Your birthday girl or boy is ready to announce to the world that it is their birthday and receive their deserved accolades and praises.

Have fun, and let me know if you make one!

Bella's party is next Saturday and I will share all the details, possibly with printables.

Blog Hopping: Quick & Easy Dinner

2011-05-20T02:00:00.002-04:00

Miranda (of Narrating Life) and Hannah (of Sherbet Blossom) asked me to participate in the kick-off of a new series they're doing called 'Blog Hopping'. Each month they will feature several different bloggers posting on a theme to introduce us all to some great blogs. I'm flattered and thrilled to be participating.

This month's inaugural theme is 'Quick & Easy Family Dinners'. I immediately knew what I was going to share, but I cannot take any credit for the recipe. Although, to be fair, I never come up with my own recipes. I consider myself to be a good cook, but I am not skilled enough to invent my own recipes. The best recipes I have often come from my grandma and other family members. I can take it as a guarantee if Denise, Michelle, my mom, or grandma has made it. This recipe is another one of those family recipes that I remember growing up with. When one of us was wondering (and possibly whining) about what to make for dinner, Denise purportedly said:'Parmesan Chicken, duh!' It's that kind of recipe.

Now this is not your typical parmesan chicken smothered in marinara and cheese. Its lighter, easier, and much, much faster than that.

Gather your ingredients. The original recipe calls for:

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1/2 c. fine dry breadcrumbs
1/3 c. grated parmesan
1 1/2 t. salt
3/4 t. pepper
1/4 c. melted butter
2 T. lemon juice
1 clove garlic, minced
minced parsley
paprika

(I was out of lemon so I substituted lime. Also it should be noted that while I will buy generic parmesan, I stick to good, name brand butter.)

I made it even easier. I nixed the salt, pepper, and parsley and substituted seasoned breadcrumbs for the plain breadcrumbs. So to be clear, I used:

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1/2 c. seasoned dry breadcrumbs
1/3 c. grated parmesan
1/4 c. melted butter
2 T. lemon juice
1 clove garlic, minced
paprika

Blend breadcrumbs and parmesan in one bowl. Combine butter, garlic and lemon juice in another.
Dip chicken into butter mixture, then crumb mixture, coating well.

Roll chicken and place seam-down in an 8x8” baking dish. Pour any remaining butter mixture over the chicken and sprinkle with paprika. Bake at 350 degrees for about an hour.

(My oven in hot so it takes more like 40 minutes.)

When I made this the other night I chopped some sweet potato fries that cooked in the oven while the chicken baked, and microwaved some frozen snow peas. Easy! Brown rice also goes great with this, but I'm the only brown rice-lover in my household.

(We always eat on salad plates.)

This is a perfect chicken dish to make when you have nothing else planned or when you need to take dinner to someone. It's easily doubled, and quite the crowd-pleaser so just go ahead and double it when you make it. You'll want leftovers.

Now hop over to these other great bloggers and their easy family dinners:

Hannah

Thanks for playing along, and thank you Hannah and Miranda!

Utah: Family

2011-05-14T22:19:00.000-04:00

One of the best parts of this visit was time with Emily! (Or 'Llamaly', as those in the inner circle know her.)

I have to say, Emily is just one of my all-time favorite people. (As are her mother Denise, and her sister Charlotte) Isn't it fortunate when you can say that about your family? I love that I love my family. (The women especially) I love that I count them among my chief inspirations, examples, and friends.

So back to Emily. I've loved Emily since she was a little girl. We are ten years apart, which is how far apart Michelle and I are, so I have lots of memories of her as a girl. I visited Denver annually, and lived briefly with Grandma a couple of times and have many fond memories of her. She has grown into one of the most splendid people I can imagine! She is equal parts entertaining, charitable, hard-working, intelligent, tasteful, stylish, and plain good company. She is easy and enjoyable to have around.

Simply stated, I was really glad I got to see her as much as I did. I didn't mean for that to turn into an Emily gush, but there you have it. If you know her, you get it.

We baked a lot while she was there, specifically these Samoas bar cookies, Peanut Butter Cup Caramel Shortbread Bars and these wonderful cookies of Michelle's. Incidentally, should any of you endeavor to make either of the bar cookies, may we offer a piece of advice? Make your own caramel. It probably should go without saying, but homemade caramel will really be your best bet. Both recipes call for melted Kraft caramels, but we unanimously agreed once hardened, they are way too tough and chewy in a bad way. Once again, homemade trumps all.

Emily treated us all to giant fountain drinks: Coke Zero for me, of course.

(A staple where Emily is concerned.)

I took this picture for Timm to show Emily's pathetic version of a wand. I know what some of you are thinking- any version of wand is pathetic for someone over the age of 10. However, among this Harry Potter-loving sect, it is not unusual to have a wand commissioned and handmade by Timm. I know Charlotte has one. So I found this knobbly little twig a sad excuse for a wand, especially when she has a wand maker in the family. Timm: take note.

Happy Emily at Cafe Rio, with only one final to go the next morning.

I was also able to see Michelle's in-laws Mim and Bob, who as Jill put it, might possibly be the nicest people on the planet. I love seeing them! They have always been so supportive and sweet to me, and they are only my sister's in-laws. Within a few minutes Bella started calling them Grandma and Grandpa, so apparently they make everyone feel that accepted and loved.

Every trip to Utah's just full of people to see!

Utah: Friends

2011-05-10T21:36:00.000-04:00

One of the best parts of vising Utah is reconnecting with friends.

I was thrilled to be able to meet up with my book club girls (minus Hannah since she moved to the gluttonous Texas-) twice while I was there. Once we went out to dinner and monopolized our server's station for 3 hours, and then once at Diana's cute new house. She's got a great view, huh?

I love being able to pick up right where we left off, without any awkwardness or backtracking. I miss having a good group of girl friends. Hell, I miss friends!

(Part of our brood- Bridget had 2 kids since I saw her last!)

(Lou, always one of my favorite friend's husbands and one of Timm's old friends, chatting it up with Fiona.)

(Robin, me, Diana, Bridget)

Since I was there during Spring Break, Jill was able to come over for Creative Friday, which I crashed, being in town.

(We had a model's photo shoot going with the wind relentlessly blowing our hair)

(Necessary provisions.)

Jill is always good company, and good for a laugh. I was thankful that I was able to spend some time with her while I was in town, and thankful for her sake that she was able to have some time off and get in a Creative Friday.

Luckily for me, Gretel emailed me when she saw that I was in town. (We are from the same home ward in Pa-) We calculated that we hadn't seen each other in about 12 years! A lot happens between the ages of 18 and 30, so we had a lot to catch up on n a short amount of time.

Miranda was kind enough to drive down from Idaho to spend a couple of days during my visit! I am so glad she was willing to take the time and expense to drive down, and we had so much fun. The only other time we'd met in real-life is at my grandma's funeral last year, and have enjoyed an online friendship since then. Miranda is the kind of girl who makes me consider Pocatello a viable relocation option. I'm pretty sure she's the only thing that could make me consider Pocatello an option. (Not that we have any offers in Pocatello, I'm just saying at least I would have an instant kindred spirit there.)

(Marc giving a maverick crepe tutorial. "It's more about 'principals' than a 'recipe'".)

I had a great time talking her ear off about weighty subjects- you know, the kind that are fitting for someone who drove a few hours to see you, based on a friendship formed over email and blog comments. I just jump right in, baby.

My only complaint about it all is, there are too many people I want to see and it seems I never get to see them all or spend enough time with everyone. I think next time I will have to post a calendar that I can fill in with friend dates ahead of time to make sure I spend all the quality time I am after.

Good thing there's a next time.

Unconventional Mother's Day Message

2011-05-08T14:39:00.000-04:00

I am very critical.

Mostly inwardly.

I spend so much time analyzing and dissecting motives, outcomes and reasons it is exhausting. I can never just have a simple thought without trying to 'brain-map' the thought from an imaginary inception to an extrapolated conclusion. My mind is always abuzz with something- usually weighty, self-deprecating and inevitably counter-productive in it's circular and sometimes derisive patterns.I am relentlessly critical of myself and supply an endless source of guilt for myself on a wide expanse of topics, daily. If I wrote all I thought, I could fill libraries.

One thing I turn over and over in my mind largely without resolve is motherhood, and my capabilities and failures. Specifically I judge myself for the decision we have made not to have more children. (We have two living, and one deceased..) After all, I am Mormon. We are supposed to replenish the earth with children, right? And while the church doesn't dictate or even suggest how many children a couple should have, it is pretty heavily implied (culturally) that you should have at least a few. 3 seems to be a common minimum as long as there are no issues of health or infertility among married couples- thus, with our 2 living children, we fall one short of that expected minimum.

Heavenly Father wants us to raise children-happy children. Happy children who follow the Lord. He wants us to do our best to teach them love, virtue, charity and righteousness. He does not want us to raise throngs of children regardless of the outcome, so we need to do what we can do. He wants us to do the best that we can do, whether that is for one child or ten.What matters if how we parent, not how many.

We needn't run faster than we have strength. Unfortunately for me and my family, depression and anxiety hinder how fast I can run, so to speak. I want to be a good mother, and it is a struggle for me- so we have decided that our family is complete. I want to do the best with the blessings I have been given, working with the trials I have been given.

This is my Mother's Day gift to me:

Acceptance, tolerance, and love without judgment- for myself and my decisions in motherhood. And as I learn to do these things for myself, it will carry over onto my children. Acceptance, tolerance, and love without judgment. It's a tall order, but I'm going to start practicing on myself.

Or to quote Stuart Smalley,

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

If I have succeeded in bringing you down, watch this. I remember watching this live several years ago, and it is still so funny. And it's a blast from the past when Lindsey Lohan was semi-functional.

Utah: Places to Go

2011-05-05T21:03:00.001-04:00

I have 3 weeks of travel to blog about, but it's always hard to know where to start with so many photos and so much time to cover. So I am going to start with the places we went. When I go back to Utah there is a flexible list of destinations that I expect to go. Here are a few, as well as a couple of new places.

Neither Michelle or I had ever been to this quilt shop in American Fork, but I was on the hunt for some wool felt for a project I wanted to work on. While they didn't have the wool felt, it was a charming storefront with lots of enviable supplies and fabrics.

While not terribly exciting, we did have to go to Harmon's, and I found Eva's expression hilarious and familiar. (3 girls to a cart does not make for 3 happy girls.)

I was very happy that Shell and I got to go to the Provo temple together. I haven't even been to our temple in Columbia, SC since we moved here. It's only about 2 hours away, but Timm's work schedule + child care + finances have made that difficult. I vow that we will go before the end of the summer however. Nevertheless, Michelle and I were able to go and do sealings together, which was very cool. I've never done sealings before and it was a very neat and memorable experience.

(Primroses on the temple grounds. I love primroses.)

An unexpected blessing of going to the temple was seeing this:

That's right- a car with eyelashes. I noticed the car right off but couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was adorned with until Michelle recognized them as, of course, eyelashes. Of course.

The Distribution Center is another must-stop to replace things not easily found in my neck of the woods.

Miranda and I went to see what all the fuss was about at Alice Lane. (More on the visit with Miranda later-)

And of course, no trip to Utah would be complete without a stop (or two) to Cafe Rio. Home of the well-deserved famed pork barbacoa burritos and salads.

And last but not least, Iceberg! Who could resist their 'mini' shakes and accompanying onion rings? Not I! It is probably for the best that I do not have an Iceberg within reasonable distance to me, although it sounds blasphemous to say.

Not pictured, we also went to the Carl Bloch exhibit at BYU, which was stunning and very touching. Michelle was kind enough to sit with the girls in the lobby while I finished going through it alone, in peace, since she had already been a couple of times. Afterward we made one of two stops to the Creamery while I was there, both of which times I had Graham Canyon, which may have changed my life. It's made with graham cracker ice cream, people. Why didn't I know that existed?

We went for sainthood by taking all the girls to the dinosaur museum, which Michelle photographed since I left my camera at home.

I went to DownEast Basics to get a couple (though not enough) layering t's as well.

Overall, I felt like I hit all the stops I needed to while in Utah, was still able to get together with friends a few times, but still felt relaxed and stayed home most of the time. Just the way I like it.

{Our little cartoon character, just for fun.)

Now that I've broken it in a little, maybe it will be easier to delve into the rest of the photos and the rest of the trip!

Utah SP Collective

2011-05-02T14:24:00.000-04:00

Here is a collection of random SPs taken while I was in Utah, with more detail on the trip to come:

Music

2011-05-01T21:23:00.001-04:00

A couple of months ago I was called to be one of the Primary choristers for our church's children's group. I opted to do Junior Primary (3-8 year olds) while my friend Karilee continued to do Senior, as she had previously been doing both. Why they have two choristers in unknown- either because our ward is large and in need of a split and thus have to assign made up and unnecessary callings, or because they rightfully doubt my capabilities are my guesses.

I enjoy it, but it is a challenge. Believe it or not, I don't enjoy getting up in front of groups of people- even children. I don't really want to be the center of attention. Rather, I want to be the center of attention in front of small numbers. I also couldn't remember the last time I had led music- It's never really been required of me. One of the last times my parents came to visit I had my mom- who was the chorister of her own Primary when she was still a child in Primary- give me a crash course relearning how to lead music. I still have a small panic attack whenever I stand up and see some bizarre time signature like 12/8 or something... It also requires a lot of preparation, which I usually enjoy as it involves things like coloring and lamination, but also a lot of time and forethought. Well, this month's song we are to teach is 'Praise to the Man'. A beautiful song, but a little tricky for children. For example, in the first verse alone are the following words:

communed

Jehovah

anointed

seer

dispensation

extol

revere

ascended

traitors

tyrants

vain

mingling

conquer

For 3-8 year olds, mind you.

So like I said, I love this song, but I was a little intimidated, a little skeptical of teaching it to such small children. And the tune's not so easy either! But then in my research I came across this video, with this version of the song and suddenly I was excited.

I downloaded it and shared it with the kids in Primary, who listened with rapt attention. I was surprised with the reverence they showed while listening when previously they had been a little rambunctious. Afterward I asked them how they felt when they were listening (I only played it to about 3:30) and they said "I felt the Holy Ghost near" and "I felt protected by Jesus Christ". I think this arrangement is so moving and particularly stirring and was moved to tears trying to explain it's meaning and significance to the children.

When I was reviewing it at home I watched it with my girls and explained the scenes to them as we watched. It struck me that I think I feel the Spirit the fastest through music then through any other medium, and that we need more hymns in our home. I have been listening to the Lower Lights a lot, and Bella listens to the Children's Songbook in her room, but we need more. We need more music that will instantly invite the Spirit into our home.
If anyone has any favorites they can suggest, I'm all ears!

I downloaded the song from iTunes, but since discovered that you can apparently download it for free here, although since I haven't tried I can't verify it.

It's How I Keep My Man

2011-04-30T00:12:00.000-04:00

What can I say? I'm nearly 30 and battling acne more than ever in my life, so what's a girl to do?

Not Why I Blog

2011-04-29T00:11:00.000-04:00

A little while ago at 11pm, I heard suspicious noises outside. I was just about to get up and turn on the porch light to scare away potential criminals when I heard a very soft knocking on the door. Reasoning that thieves and rapists rarely knock, I answered it to find my friend Amanda wielding a very heavy plastic tote I had previously given to her with clothes. She was returning it to me, filled with food.

In it was a gallon of milk, juice, a dozen eggs, chicken breasts, turkey dogs, Lunchables, a pound of cheese, Greek yogurt, Gogurt, and apples. All in ice, in case I was in bed.

As she gave it to me, she had tears in her eyes. Obviously, she had read my post which was not written to inspire pity or gifts of food or monetary donations. Nevertheless, being a poor young married college girl herself, she was inspired to bring it to me. Immediately. Tonight. Oh, and she also has a baby who still wakes up several times a night to nurse, so nighttime hours are at a premium.

Here's the thing: I hesitate to write anything of the nature of the original post because I do not want to illicit pity or charitable gestures. I write because it's what I do. It's how I cope, sort, and get on with things. I blog because I journal, and in so doing I get over things while recording them at the same time. I usually feel better by the time I hit 'publish' and I like to have a record of the good, the bad and the ugly. So I do not blog in order to gain favor or favors. However, I do blog to remember and record, and Amanda's charity is a perfect instance of this. I want to remember how it felt when someone was prompted and listened to do something on my behalf- when someone went out of their way and did something that was inconvenient and even costly in order to help me when I didn't (directly) ask for it. I want a record of my blessings, and examples of Christlike charity and plain old kindness and good friendship.

So to recap, this is not why I blog these things.

Also this is why I blog these things.

Thank you, Amanda.

*My monetary goal for this post has been met. No more donations are required at this time. If a future need presents itself, I will post another thinly veiled request for help. Also, that was sarcasm.*

Empty

2011-04-28T21:45:00.000-04:00

{Yes, that is white wine in my fridge. Cooking wine. It should also be noted that all contents on the right hand side of the fridge belong to Timm, except for the Diet Coke with lime that I have repossessed.}

I probably should have guessed it when I arrived home and was immediately met with a cat crap stain in the living room and an unidentifiable smell pervading the house: It was not going to be an easy return.

To be fair, I should preface this with saying that Timm went above and beyond what is necessary or expected to ensure that I came home to a clean house. I always make sure that I leave the house clean, whether I leave for the day, or for an extended trip like this, so it is very gratifying to see him take the care to do the same. He mopped, he did all the laundry, he changed the sheets, he ironed, he vacuumed, he did the dishes- It was great. Unfortunately he was not home to intercept the aforementioned cat crap stain or the other debacles I was yet to face.

We got in after 11pm, and the girls didn't get in bed until midnight. I stayed up for a bit going through mail and enjoying the first quiet I experienced in nearly three weeks. The next day was spent doing the usual post-trip chores: unpacking, laundry, vacuuming, pouring out the two week past-expiration solid milk Timm left in the fridge, etc. That evening we finally went out to the grocery store to procure some much-needed staples for the next few days. After about an hour of shopping, we went to check out. Being almost entirely out of food, the total was a bit more than I expected and I swiped the credit card to make the purchase. Timm and I had previously carefully planned out the final expenses of the month, dividing them between the scarce balances on our two credit cards. (Our goal of paying those off isn't going too well. It's a tough gig trying to survive on the less than $2500 a month paycheck a teacher's salary provides.10 months a year. For a family of 4.) Needless to say, the card was declined. In futility, I tried again. (I'm a glutton for punishment and public embarrassment.) Next I tried to write a check, reasoning that it wouldn't go through before he was paid on Friday, only to find that I had left my driver's license at home. They called over two different managers, both of whom refused to take my check without my driver's license. Even with another form of id and my social. Defeated, I left the store telling them I would be back with my driver's license even though I knew it was not true. I don't know why I told them I would return, but it was probably to save face. Upon leaving, Bella realized that they were out of free cookies and started to cry while Fiona loudly protested over her bandaids that we had to leave behind in the cart. I couldn't help it: I cried on the way home, and I cried when we got home. I fed them toast for dinner and then started in on the next obstacle designed to defeat me.

At some point during the day I tried to move some food from our freezer to out chest freezer, only to find that at some point while I was away it had tripped the breaker, which happens frequently. The good news is, being poor as we are, there was hardly any food in it. The bad news is, there was some previously frozen Brussels sprouts, which had thawed and proceeded to decompose for approximately 2 weeks. Now, I love Brussels sprouts. Fresh, well-prepared Brussels spouts. However, I cannot adequately describe to you the power or force of the stench that was unleashed when I broke the seal on that chest freezer. The cruciferous odor that had been captured in that small space was enough to take on a life of it's own. If it were a cartoon, it would be a thick green ribbon snaking through the house leaving death and destruction in it's wake. Since it was not a cartoon, I tied a dish towel over my nose and mouth and opened the freezer once more to face it's fury. After I threw away the offending and ruined food, I began to try and drain the 2 inches of standing water infused with essence of rotten Brussels sprouts. I attempted to drain it onto cookie sheets, but kept spilling fetid water onto the carpet so I opted to sop it up with towels which I quickly transferred to the washing machine. I wiped it out with Lysol and let it air out overnight, but I'm afraid some damage is irreversible. I am what they say a 'super-smeller' and keep thinking I smell those Brussels sprouts wherever I go.

Lastly, coming back East was a much harder adjustment, and Bella was obviously stuck on Vegas time since she didn't fall asleep until after midnight. I was desperately trying to watch last week's Survivor on my laptop, trying to reverse the damages of the day while pillaging their Easter candy, and she kept coming out, all. night. long. Eventually we both settled into my bed, and she fell asleep there around midnight. We took the day off again today, hoping to get her acclimated enough to return to school on Friday. I got a few groceries, and Timm gets his teacher's lump sum tomorrow. I'm trying not to think about the fact that it will almost be gone the same day after our online automatic bill pay has it's way with it.

For now I am going to settle in for another Survivor on my laptop, and make sure that girl is asleep this time.

Whew. Tomorrow I can start on my trip highlights, of which there were many.

Travel Bags

2011-04-13T00:13:00.000-04:00

As soon as our travel plans were booked, my first thoughts went to what I would make for the trip. Of course. Because when you are traveling alone with 2 small children you really need some extra work to keep you busy in preparation. I immediately started listing items to help pass the time and keep little ones busy and my sanity intact(ish). Of course it wasn't enough to make activities for the girls- I had to make backpacks to carry those activities in. And I had to invent my own pattern.

(I know. I have a disorder.)

I made coordinating backpacks for the girls, which I will describe in more detail in another post. I filled those bags with the following things:

-New books (part of a great Goodwill score)

-Crayon Portfolios

-Story Cubes

-Magnetic Paper Dolls

-New Coloring Books

-MadLibs Junior

-Pipe Cleaners

- File Folder Games

-Paper Quiet book (not shown, because I didn't finish it until 1 am the night before the trip.)

I downloaded the paper dolls from here, and then printed them on magnetic paper. I had some old tins from the Dollar Spot which used to hold candy and were the perfect size for carrying them. I made a set of 2 dolls for each girl.

Here is a list of other printable paper dolls. I really want to make the vintage Betsy McCall ones here another time. They have over a decade's worth to print!

I made them each a crayon portfolio using this pattern from GingerCake. They were really easy to make, but I made a few changes to the pattern. The bottom half of the portfolio has two pockets: 1 for paper and 1 for stickers. The bottom pocket for stickers is empty because I didn't have any on hand.

Can I tell you how much I love having fabric scraps? It is almost the best part of a fabric stash. I love having many different pieces left over from many different projects available at my disposal. I love choosing coordinating fabrics for each project, and I love collecting small scraps, organized by color, to use in future projects like scrappy quilts. Or doll quilts.

This one is made entirely of scraps from their quilts. I love these fabrics, and these color combinations.

I also made them 3 file folder games, from this book. Once again, blogger refuses to rotate my picture correctly.

Angst.

I made them a paper quiet book from here, which like I said, is not photographed because I didn't finish it in time.

Pipe cleaners, or chenille wraps as my mom calls them, can offer endless opportunities for quiet creative play. We also brought a dvd player to fall back on.

In addition to these things, I also packed their empty water bottles to fill once we were on the plane, an extra change of clothes for each girl, and some special snacks and treats.

I can't say that the day of travel was easy or enjoyable, but I also can't imagine what we would have done if I hadn't made all these preparations. On the way back I will still be traveling with them alone, so in addition to these things I will also be getting a good night's sleep the night before. I failed to do this on the way out, and it definitely made a difference. Negatively.

I am keeping everything in their travel bags, saved only for the ride home (and our 2 road trips) to maintain their novelty.

Wish me luck!

I Think I Got It Backwards

2011-04-10T23:00:00.002-04:00

{View from our front porch the night before we left NC}

It was snowing in Utah when we landed last night and again this morning.

Most people go on vacation in search of better weather than what they have at home.

Our weather in NC right now is about the best part of the year.

I am afraid that when we return at the end of the month my beautiful azaleas will be done blooming, and full-blown summer will be right around the corner. (Azalea season is arguably by favorite 2 weeks of the year-)

The company is so worth it.

p.s. But seriously, I think I need to remind myself not to to travel in April. I actually miss my azaleas.

In Honor

2011-04-01T21:01:00.004-04:00

One year ago, my grandmother died.

I can easily say, without hesitation, that she was the greatest influence of my life. I have never known of a more supportive, non-judgmental, unconditionally loving person. In life she was one of my greatest friends, confidantes, advisors and champions. When she died, it felt like a great light went out in the world. It is no small thing to lose such a person in your life- the one who rallied and loved you in a way different than anyone else ever could. Not surprisingly, her death and her funeral were some of the most spiritual and meaningful experiences of my life. In the past few weeks I have found myself thinking of her intensely almost every day, brought to tears missing her so. Her death was such a great loss to so many; truly to know her was to love her. Words simply cannot express the void that she has left for so many. And yet I know the heavens rejoiced at her homecoming, and I know that she is more able to help me now than when she was on the earth. I like to imagine that she is taking care of my baby until I can see them both again, that I have two guardian angels on my left and on my right.

We have a couple of oft-quoted stories of my young childhood related to grandma that I want recorded so my children will know them. I was born in Denver, and lived near grandma until the age of 3 when my dad was transferred to the east. When they broke the news that we were moving to grandma she replied, "Well, are you going to take Jess?!" (Incidentally, I was named after her mother, Jessie.) Another fabled story was around the same time and grandma and I were in her room. She was putting on her makeup and complaining that she felt ugly. She said, "But honey, I'm just so old", to which I famously replied "To me you're not!". Indeed, she always exemplified all things beautiful. In fact, I believe she only increased in beauty until the day she died. How did she do that?

{Grandma and I when Timm and I went to the temple in 2004. I think she is simply ethereal in this picture.}

She also gave me the only 2 nicknames I've ever had. She always called me her 'Pritzy Pritz', from the time I was a baby and I still love it. She is also the one who first called me a badger, hence the blog name. She used to give me Frances books, and inscribed them to her 'favorite little badger', imploring me not to change.
*edited: It is true that my dad always called me 'Weirdicus Jess', my 3rd and final nickname.

In our family, we have a tradition of giving 'gifts of love' that we write out to each present member of the family on Christmas Eve. I have this one, from when I was 18 months old. I treasure it, and I want to get it nicely framed.

My mom happened to be in town today, and in discussing it we had simply planned to make a nice cake, since fabulous cakes are part of her greatest legacy. Denise had a better idea, and she decided to bake bread and take it to grandma's friends and those in need. Grandma exemplified charity, and in her declining years would often bake for people since it was one of the only ways she felt she could still serve. Plus, she was damn good at it. Michelle and Miranda also participated in what I have coined the Bread Brigade. I made my all-time favorite bread recipe, Limpa Rye, and took it to a couple of my neighbors. I was very pleased that it turned out to be a very good dough.

Never one to miss an opportunity to make a cake, I also made Banana Cake at my mom's request since we celebrated her birthday while she was here as well. Linda had the wonderful suggestion to add pecans and coconut to the top, making it Southern-Style Banana Cake, a variation I will definitely be keeping. It's a good cake, but not my favorite simply because if chocolate or White Mountain were an option (and they always should be), why would you choose banana? But with the southern variation, very good. (Also, true to form, she changed the recipe unbeknownst to me. She added about 1/3 block of cream cheese to the whipped cream frosting to help stabilize it. Bonus.)

And speaking of cake, my mom got us these super cute signs, apropos for remembering Grandma. Here it is in its temporary placement:

{I do.}

All I can say is, I can't wait until I get to see her again.

And I strive every day to be a bit more like her.

Her influence still guides me every day.

p.s. I had planned on making something to commemorate the day and sending them to a few people, but I never got around to it. I toyed with several ideas, but decided on some printables that I am working on and will post on Sunday.

What Sisters Are For

2011-03-28T09:20:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago I was drying my hair while the girls occupied themselves, playing in the kitchen. Bella, trying to distract Fiona from something she didn't want her to have, offered her some peanut butter on a spoon (a favorite snack among them both). When I came in to check on them, I found this bizarre creation on the table:

On the table with it were the materials used: scissors, tape, and construction paper.

When I asked Bella what it was, she explained that Fiona wanted the pumpkin spoon (see below) but it had a crack in it.

So Bella made her a new one.

Apparently it pleased Fiona because she was using the taped paper version, and I definitely would have heard from her if it did not pass muster.

So odd, so creative, and so cute.

I love sisters.

Happy Birthday, Mom

2011-03-27T20:30:00.000-04:00

Today is my mom's birthday, so I took some photos of some old photos I have of us. (I don't have a scanner.) I'm so mad at Blogger because it auto-rotated 3 of the 5 photos the wrong way with no option to fix them, so I only have 2 to show you. The other three were some of my favorites. Also, by way of explanation, it should be noted that I was born in 1981.

{Mischief maker.}

{I completed the family. L to R: Ryan, Fred, Susan, Jessie and Michelle.}

My mother has taught me many things, but if I had to choose one principal that she taught and exemplified well, it would be prayer. I can remember many times as a child, coming upon my mother in her room knelt in prayer. I can also remember the dread that would sometimes accompany family prayer when it was her turn to pray: Her prayers were (and still are) epically long. As an adult there has been many an occasion where I will express a question or a concern, and her first response will be to ask if I have prayed about it. I always feel stupid and sheepish when I reply, "Well, no..." Her example and influence has obviously turned me to prayer many times, and I have tried to keep this example in mind, turning first to prayer instead of using it as a last resort or a backup plan. I think of all the possible legacies and lessons to leave to your children, this is a wonderful one.

Thank you mom.

Happy Birthday!

Food, Part One- 'Eat Food'

2011-03-23T21:30:00.006-04:00

{One of my more virtuous breakfasts lately.}

I have been thinking about food a lot in the past few weeks. I feel like I have enough to fill a tome, so I am going to write it in installments, based on my food mantra provided by Michael Pollan.

My curiosity-turned-fascination with nutrition began at least a couple of years ago as I seriously suspected sugar's role in my depression. I have long felt that I was in all seriousness, addicted to sugar. Much the same way that some people can have a drink without any problems, yet their neighbor is an alcoholic, I have a very real sensitivity to sugar, in all its forms. So I did what I always do when I am interested or curious about something: I researched it. Pretty heavily. It turns out that those who are prone to depression are especially prone to sugar sensitivity, due to their lack of enough endorphins and the endorphins that sugar readily provides. There is a lot more to it, but there's just a little nugget distilled from 14 books worth of information.

In the last 20 months I have read 14 books on nutrition, many of them specifically focused on sugar. As I began reading them I completely identified with them. So much of it described me in detail and just made sense to me. I read them in a near-constant state of head-nodding, yet failed to do anything about it for the last 2 years. Finally, in anticipation of my 30th birthday I was inspired to take action. I went 26 days straight without sugar, until I was undone by The Cupcakes. I spent some part of 3 days dabbling in the stuff again (almost solely devoted to The Cupcakes and their components), before begrudgingly climbing back on the wagon on Sunday. It is so much harder to get back on after you've fallen off.

I know I do better the less sugar I eat. My skin clears up, my mood levels out, and I lose weight. One of the best side effects is that I do not feel consumed and driven by an uncontrollable drive to seek sugar in all its form at all times. (After I have detoxed, so to speak.)

I have almost completely avoided flour, and try to limit artificial sweeteners as well. By virtue of avoiding these ingredients, I have been more or less forced to eat more 'real' food. Just try to find a whole lot of junk food that doesn't contain some type of sugar, flour, or artificial sweetener. Not a whole lot out there.

{Another virtuous breakfast- note the 'sprouted grain' bread that contains no flour or sugar. It is supposed to have much less of a glycemic load and be metabolized a lot easier than typical flour breads. Tasty too. Note also my cocktail of supplements I have started taking daily: 3 fish oil tablets, 1 prenatal vitamin- NOT pregnant- and 1 vitamin D pill.}

{So gross. I exclaimed out loud and considered not buying this due to the risk of 'Fish Burp'. The very claim that it controls said Fish Burp was more disconcerting than if it had said nothing. I was unaware of the Fish Burp risk. Luckily, there was no need to fear. No Fish Burp here. *Shudder*}

So here I am again, on day 4 of my second sugar-free cycle. It sucks. I am uncertain if I will continue it or not. I cannot stop the ongoing dialog in my head- no, not even a dialog- more of a diatribe. It's not such a simple issue of sugar tastes good, although of course it does taste so, so good. It is fraught with emotional facets and far-reaching effects. I have a constant debate in my head, each side mud-slinging at the other in an attempt to get to the bottom of the issue. Some of the topics of debate include: What are my values? Is being 'skinny' really worth giving up something that brings so much pleasure? I love to bake- it is a family tradition, and one that links me to generations both past and present of women I love and admire. Besides, I am good at it. Am I willing to forsake it forever? (I am not good with moderation.) What is life about? Who do I want to be? On what do I base my value? Why would I deprive myself of one of life's principal joys? What do I value more: thinness, or the pleasures of food and baking and the camaraderie and affection it espouses?

Sigh.

I do not have the answer to these questions.

I want to be healthy.

I want to eat food. Real food.

I also want to enjoy something that brings so much pleasure.

I don't want to be a weirdo and set myself apart by my dietary restrictions.

For now I am continuing on my quest, waiting for the urges to ease up, as they inevitably do with time. Perhaps if I go long enough for the compulsions to fade I can treat myself occasionally. As long as I do not keep it in house.

Mortality. Huh.

Post Script: If you are one of those wretched naturally thin people who regularly indulges in total crap food and has yet to see any weight-related repercussions, measure your response carefully.

Finished!

2011-03-20T22:37:00.002-04:00

Remember when I posted this in-progress photo? (Or, you could just glance upwards at my banner...) The result is this twin-size quilt top, comprised of 12 different prints, I made for Bella. It came together a lot faster than I anticipated. I need to make the second quilt top for Fiona, buy about 15 yards for the backs and then find somewhere or someone to quilt them for me- no small expense, unfortunately.

This is in preparation for their sharing a room sometime in the relatively near future- a fate Bella is sure that she doesn't want, but one that she will nevertheless meet.

Quilt pattern here.

So satisfying to "finish" a large project!

Have I mentioned I love quilts?

The Cupcakes

2011-03-19T22:34:00.000-04:00

Hayden's Eagle Scout Court of Honor was last night, and Linda asked me to make a couple of things: coconut cream pie, and some kind of cupcakes. I haven't been baking much lately, so the wide open options of cupcakes to choose from had me reeling, in a good kind of way. After consulting Michelle and Miranda both, I stumbled upon a totally different recipe that had me at soon as I saw "Salted Caramel Cupcakes". Yes, please.

Prior to making these, I went a full 26 days without sugar- more on this later. However, asking me to bake these 4-step cupcakes and a fabulous coconut cream pie was like asking an alcoholic to bar tend your party. For 3 days. (I baked these over 2 days and then had leftovers for a third.) So after 26 days, Salted Caramel Cupcakes broke me.

But get this. You start with a wonderful caramel cake. I will definitely make these cakes again. Then you make a very light and fluffy buttercream. Then you make an amazing buttermilk syrup, which is really like a delightful caramel sauce. You swirl the buttercream and the caramel together to complete the frosting. Then you dip a long chewy caramel in chocolate (I chose bitter chocolate). And then, and THEN- you sprinkle- wait for it- kosher salt on top of the caramel and the cupcake itself. Kosher salt. On the cupcake.

It was amazing.

And rich.

Really rich.

Additionally, the coconut cream pie was my best so far! Always a pleasure, especially since I don't get to make them too often. Thank goodness for reliable, time-tested, family-honored recipes. Thank goodness for grandma who perfected them over the years and then passed along her wisdom to her daughters, granddaughters, and friends.

Vignette

2011-03-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

Here is one of my favorite parts of our home lately. It's a little story that has been updated bit by bit since last year, and the sight just makes me happy. I like the combination of color, shapes, textures, and styles. A lot of my home doesn't accurately reflect my aesthetic, but I feel this does pretty well.

I really like affirmations-especially the scads of cool prints found on Etsy and the like. These removable decals were a gift from my mom via petitcollage. Their whole collection is great, so it's worth a look.

How I love my ipod dock. Timm got it for me for Christmas, not knowing that this was precisely the one I wanted! Most docks are not functional decor items, but I love the look of this chrome Skullcandy Pipe. Additionally, it has great sound, pretty good volume, a remote, and can be plugged in or run on batteries. It is in the center of our home so I use it all the time. Highly recommended.

This was inspired by many such prints and even pillows I have seen on Etsy. Ideally, I would like to support those artists and buy directly from them, however I am poor. I am poor, and it is a sentiment I want in my home, and something I am capable of doing myself. So I did.

Pompom flowers! I think these would be great in small groups for a party. Or my piano top.

The top embroidery ('value') was done by Michelle for my word last year, and I love it. The other 3 I did, including our family in birds.

Other items include my favorite poster, which by now approximately 2/3 of the country owns, Keep Calm and Carry On. Still, I love it and I love the color. That was gifted to me by Michelle for my birthday last year and then framed in an Ikea frame. The lamp was a hideous brass one from DI (similar to Goodwill) until it was met with spray paint and a drum shade and became cute. The 'T' is a really cool distressed old sign letter, given to me by my mom, as were the tiny bright green faux flowers in tiny vases.

I might add that most of this was pretty cheap and DIY. Embroidery costs next to nothing, and embroidery is pretty easy. Even if you are not given to hand-sewing, little scraps of fabric are next to free to showcase in an embroidery hoop. The pompoms take just a bit of yarn and sticks from your yard. The Love Is Spoken Here print was free to make, and the frame was a jazzed-up spray paint version of one that didn't quite work for me. (Spray paint can save an amazing number of otherwise ugly or unusable items. It is a mainstay in this household, as you will see.) The lamp was only a couple of bucks, saved again by my trusty sidekick, spray paint. I would also like to remind you that my piano was free, courtesy of Craigslist.

How I love to feather my nest.

On a dime.

Happy 40th Shell!

2011-03-14T21:28:00.000-04:00

{this is the most recent picture I have of us together, taken last summer during our girl's week at my house with Emily}

I feel it a rare pleasure and blessing to have an older sister you can call friend. I have had the blessing to be born into an extraordinary family-especially the women-and I am proud to count Michelle among those extraordinary women. I One who has seen and loved you through your worst, eased the grief of your most difficult times, celebrated your victories, and fielded your most mundane or ridiculous phone calls. She has done all of this and more, and has been physically present at all of the most significant events of my life. I look to her for advice- frequently. I burden her with my so-called problems, frequently as well. I love that the miles between us have not dimmed or diminished our affection and friendship. She is a perfect balance to my neurosis as well!

Most of all, I am so excited that in about 3 weeks I will be at her house for a couple of weeks! Looking forward to our annual reunion...

I love you, Shell.

Happy Birthday!

Check These Out!

2011-03-13T23:01:00.001-04:00

I feel compelled to tell you all about a few sites I have been frequenting lately- so if you have recently wondered how you can waste more time online, or want some new favorite haunts, I urge you to check these out now.

Like, now.

I heard of this blog following site Blog Lovin', from A Beautiful Mess. I love it! I am totally hooked. I tried using Google reader before, but I just didn't like it. I didn't like the interface, it wasn't easy to use, it seemed overwhelming, and I hated that I had to read it in Google reader. I wanted to go to the actual site. Blogs offer so much more than just the post itself, and blog authors spend a lot of time on their design, their personality. So I didn't use any kind of reader, bookmarked everything, and didn't stay on top of things like I would like. Enter: Blog Lovin'. Easy, and best of all, it takes you to the site itself so you can see it. I seriously love it, and I mean it when I say it has changed the way I surf the web. I strongly urge you to try it out, and follow me while you're there. Or you can just click on the button on my sidebar.

Pinterest- Oh. My. Gosh. I have Miranda to thank for my Pinterest obsession. I know it is the darling of the design world, and it is obvious why. Imagine it like a virtual bulletin board of every photo, article, or item you've ever saved or earmarked. You categorize them any way you want- I have various boards for home decor, crafts to make, party inspiration and others. Gone are the hundreds of bookmarks I filed away, difficult to discern based only on their brief titles.. Now I can see them all at a glance, in a photo snippet. I can't say enough how much I love this site. It has changed the way I view, categorize, and appreciate all things visual.

Check it out, and while you're there, follow me too.

And while we're on the subject, my friend Miranda. Her blog is delightful. Equal parts wit, inspiration, likability, good food and pretty photography, her blog is one you should definitely add to your reader. I'm proud to call her a friend, and only wished we lived closer and that I had met her more than once, preferably other than my dear grandmother's funeral.

Every one knows about FabricWorm. (Oh, you don't? Well, you totally should. Every self-respecting fabric monger shops at FabricWorm. Which actually brings me to my point.) I have found another fabric shop I love online. They usually have all the same great fabrics as the larger sites, but they are actually in stock. That is the problem I frequently have with sites like FabricWorm- because they are so popular and carry all the latest and greatest prints, they are often sold out. I love Hawthorne Threads because they are almost always in stock, plus their prices are just ever so slightly less, and their shipping is less as well. Also, they have a search function by color that is very handy. Win-win-win! (That's option number 5 in Conflict Resolution, in case you were wondering.)

How have I never seen this before?? This is the result of my search for colors as I redesign my girls' rooms. This site offers endless inspiration and photos of any color combination you choose. Genius! I have been using it to play with different color schemes and just for eye candy. It's a bit addictive I think, especially if you appreciate color and photography-both of which I do.

Lastly, I started a new blog called Letters to My Daughters. I am not writing it for any other purpose than to write letters to my daughters for the future. In it I write advice, apologies and memories to share with them and record for posterity. Sometimes they are things that I cannot really communicate to them right now, things that they will better understand as adults. Sometimes they are things I don't want to forget, sometimes they are things I wish I could say to Lola, but in all I hope they will be a collection for my girls to keep- a collection that will embody my best intentions and purest love for them.

Oh, the endless possibilities that abound on the interweb. Go spend some time there, and if you have a site you love, please tell me and share the love.

Love Letters

2011-03-10T11:51:00.001-05:00

I've never been one of those girls who considers Valentine's Day one where I expect to be lavished with gifts and special treatment. I don't think of it as 'my' day, but rather one where I can express my love to all the people in my life, especially my family. Timm and I had agreed that we wouldn't spend any money on each other, but we still spent an enjoyable evening in together. Still, I was surprised when he didn't perform any gesture whatever. No card, no small token purchased with money squirreled away from unknown sources as he is typically wont to do. I really thrive on verbal and written words of appreciation so I may have chastised him a bit for neglecting to do something so simple as to write me a little note for Valentine's Day.

However.

Even as I did so, I remembered something I had heard a few years ago. I can't credit a source, but I remember that it was a General Authority of the Church, and he spoke of romance. He stated that true romance is not found in grand gestures, but in the way we treat our spouse every day. The small, sometimes inconsequential ways that reflect our concern, love and charity for one another are more indicative and often more meaningful than sweeping grand gestures. It was this thinking that prompted this post about a love letter.

This is Timm to a 't'. Every day he treats me kindly. He treats me with the same affection no matter how I act, what kind of mood I am, what I look like, or how I treat him. He is constant, and he is physically affectionate and verbally complimentary every day.

Case in point: Yesterday the girls had dentist appointments and I had no way to get them there. Timm happily took the day off, using a sick day. He hardly ever has a day off so I am sure he was looking forward to sleeping past 5am and relaxing a bit.

But I was sick.

I'm not stricken with polio, or even pnemonia. I just have a bit of a cold. But it makes me feel slightly miserable, and having to take care of children when you are sick is the worst to me. It's not just like you have to go to work sick, you have to take care of others when you feel like you need taking care of. Like you can't even take care of yourself, but you still have to attend to the needs of others. So on his rare, unexpected day off, Timm ran an errand for me, taking Bella with him. Then when he got back he took both girls to the dentist for close to 2 hours so I could stay home. When he got home, he fed them lunch and told me to go to bed. He put them down for naps and quiet time. He got them both up from naps and quiet time. He took over the whole day until I got up to cook dinner, when he finally sat down to do mountains of grading that he had planned on doing that day. After the girls were in bed he went to the grocery store to get me a few things since he has to work late for the next two days. So on his rare day off, he spent the day taking care of the girls so I could laze around and take naps, hoping to make a quick recovery of a silly cold. He did so without complaint, even cheerfully and affectionately.

That's just his way.

He gives me love letters every day.

Bad Habit

2011-03-07T08:38:00.000-05:00

I have a bad habit.

Well, many of them actually, but for the sake of time I am only going to outline one of them for you now. Consider this a blanket apology (albeit a sincere, mass apology) for the many who have suffered at my hand, and a pledge to reform.

When I receive correspondence- be it email, blog comments, a phone message, or a letter, I receive it with great anticipation and then immediately respond.

In my head.

This mostly applies to email. I will read it and then quickly respond with "ha ha ha that's so funny", or "yes I agree we should totally do that" or something similar. Then I'm done and done.

In my mind, I have responded and fulfilled my side of the verbal transaction and I am satisfied.

Except later when it occurs to me that I did not actually respond, I just had a conversation with myself in my head that the correspondent was not privy to. So I keep the email in my inbox, fully expecting to come back to it. Then a few days pass. Sometimes weeks, occasionally months. Sometimes I will eventually get to it and fulfill a real response which I actually send. Often it just gets deleted after so much time has passed and it seems irrelevant.

But remember, in my head, we actually had that conversation.

You just don't know about it.

Dinner Tonight

2011-03-06T21:18:00.001-05:00

Spring is unofficially here in the Carolinas, so last week's menu planning featured a couple of strawberry recipes. In anticipation for spring to officially be here, I bought 5 quarts of strawberries on sale. Perhaps prematurely. I combined both of those recipes for dinner tonight and was struck at the pretty sight that our table provided.

I made Strawberry Quinoa Salad (from Weight Watchers) and Timm made this old recipe for Springtime Strawberry Soup, also from Weight Watchers.

Though beautiful, I was actually really disappointed in the salad. I hardly ever dislike a recipe I make, simply because in reading it I can usually tell if it is something I will like. The degree to which I like something I've made may vary, but it is usually enjoyable and something I would make again. Not so much with this salad. I think I might not like the arugula as a base for it, which is surprising because I thought I liked arugula.

("Aru-gu-la, it's a veg-e-table.") Timm liked it however, so maybe you should still give it a whirl. I added a diced yellow bell pepper to the recipe.

The strawberry soup however, is delicious. My mom and I discovered this recipe about 10 years ago when I was home from BYU. Even Bella ate it, if that tells you anything. And it should.

I love seasonal food. I love springtime veggies. And summertime fruit. And fall and winter veggies. As much as I love seasonal food, I think I would have a hard time eating totally locally. I like my produce shipped around the world if it means I can have bananas each morning, or lemons any time of the year. Eating locally makes me afraid of limiting my produce options based on the time of year. I'm very shortsighted like that. I've been thinking a lot about food lately, growing upon about a dozen books I've read on the subject in the last 2 years, and changes I've finally begun to implement.
I have food on the mind.

In Progress

2011-03-05T18:37:00.001-05:00

{And also the inspiration for my new banner}

Impoverished Evidence

2011-03-02T21:34:00.000-05:00

In keeping with the vow of poverty I have so nobly taken upon myself, I turned, once again, to Great Clips to update my look. (If you would have told me at the age of 17 that I would regularly go to Great Clips or anything like unto it for style, that I would entrust them to cut my hair, let alone go for a new look, I would have died. That age was a now long-forgotten era where I had disposable income and it was used to purchase things like various Aveda shampoos. I can remember having a selection of 4 different Aveda products in my shower and how utterly intoxicating they felt and smelled. Since that time I have also fallen to the point where I trusted Timm to cut my hair for about the first year of our marriage. And it was a pixie cut. How times change; how they change indeed.)

(Even though I am not officially 30 for 4 more months, I have telltale wrinkles around my eyes. And mouth. Just for fun.)

I took these about a month ago, upon coming home from Great Clips and restyling it myself. I asked her to stack it dramatically up the back. I have a weird, flat head and need the volume of short (pixie short) hair in the back, but want it to look like I have long hair in the front. I plan on growing it for quite some time in this fashion, keeping it in the same dramatic- even severe-angle, but longer all over. I will keep it short enough in the back to disguise my freakishly flat head and mess it up all funky-like.

Upon styling it I positioned myself at my front door, where I get the most natural light to take these SPs. My dad was visiting, and I noticed he had a bit of a smirk on his face. I asked him what he thought, and he replied with a question of his own: "What do you think of it?" (That is generally not a sign that the questioner approves.) I told him I liked it to which he merely said, eyebrows raised, "It's awfully short in the back..." I told him it's supposed to be. He wore an expression that suggested he was embarrassed for me, but tried to hide the smirk he still had on his face. Perhaps these photos don't completely convey the shortness of the back, but later that day my mom agreed that she thought it was cute.

"He doesn't know anything", she informed me.

(I told you I liked my trashy shirt. Paired with this favorite gray ruffled cardigan, it's my stay-at-home-day uniform. I have a lot of stay at home days; It's a very clear edict in my Homebody Code.)

Quilts

2011-03-01T12:55:00.000-05:00

I have never been a collector of anything specific. Even as a child I never had a "thing" that people would send me, adding to my collection- no themed decor, jewelry or ceramic figurines, thank heavens. Most collections seem superfluous or trite to me. However, a few years ago I came to the conclusion that if I were to collect anything, it would be quilts. All quilts, any quilts.

Years before that, Shell and I had enumerated all of the reasons that make quilts so wonderful, and pretty much the perfect gift. Let me share: they are beautiful, first of all. They are practical- who doesn't use blankets? They are practical, functional art. They also take a tremendous, tremendous amount of time, making it a true gift of the maker's time. They are a gift of talent, as nice quilts are not easy to make. They are also heirlooms- quilts are handed down through generations and tell the story of the quilter. They are imbued with history, heritage, love and hard work. Old quilts tell of thrift, ingenuity, art and sometimes hardship. What is not to love?

To summarize, quilts are:

Beautiful

Functional

A gift of time, talent, and expense (they're not cheap to make!)

Heirlooms

Historical.

I love old quilts, the kinds you find in antique malls, and new quilts made with today's amazing variety of available prints. There has never been a better time to be a fabric-lover.

I have a small collection started.

From top to bottom:

Lap quilt, made by me; Baby clothes quilt, made by me; Baby quilt, made by Michelle; Twin-size quilt, made by Michelle, Queen-size bed quilt, made by Nana.

First, the bed quilt that Nana made for us when we got married. We have this on our bed under our coverlet, so I use it and see it everyday. I love it because we use it, it was made for our wedding, and for the extraordinary detail.

Look how small that square is, and her seams always match! She is an extraordinary quilter in that regard. Sometimes I just marvel at those tiny corners and how they always seem to line up.

I think this lap quilt might be the first one that I actually finished, even though I started my first quilt literally 14 years ago. That quilt is still unfinished, but it is so close. It is over a king size, and while I machine-pieced it, I was determined to do the actual quilting by hand on my first quilt. Hence, 14 years later I am still working on it. I only have about 1 foot of quilting left, after which I have to bind it and I'll be done! I really want to finish it this year. It's about time.

Anyway, I think this lap quilt is the first I finished. I made another one for my mom.

I love lap quilts because they're quick and small enough that I can quilt it on my machine. (Anything over a crib size has got to be sent out for the quilting.)

This baby clothes quilt is one of my favorites for sentimental purposes. I think a quilt is the perfect medium for sentimentality.

I love that most of these clothes were worn by both Bella and Fiona, and some of them were even gifts for Lola, so all 3 girls share these clothes. There are only one or two items that were worn by only one girl, so it feels like their shared heritage. A couple of them were even worn by Eva! One day I had a friend over while I was cutting the clothes and she was about to have either a panic attack or a heart attack at my taking shears to my baby's clothes. I felt the exact opposite- what good would these do, stuffed into boxes and stored in a dark attic? I would never see them and probably never use them again. However, in this quilt I see them often. Almost every day we get to remember, touch and cuddle with these baby clothes. I saved just my favorite, or ones whose details I thought lent themselves to this type of quilt. All the rest I gave to friends, with just a couple saved to pass down to my girls.

I love the details on baby clothes and on this quilt.

{This was a favorite corduroy sleeveless romper both of the girls wore.}

{From Paris}

{Adorable footie butt-ruffle pants, given to Bella by Denise and Grandma, and worn by both girls.}

{Eva's, from Paris}

{Butterflies and toile, both from Paris}

{This was a baby shower gift for Lola, given to me by one of my old Young Women leaders.}

{Favorite elephant jammies}

It was a little bit tricky because of the mix of cottons and jerseys, but luckily my mother-in-law Nana was visiting and helped me with that part. She also taught me to tie it, since I had never done it before. (In general, I prefer quilting to tying, but this quilt lent itself to tying, and I'm very pleased with the finished product.

I love this one too. I love them all-thus my desire to collect them- but I love them all for different reasons. I love them because of who made them, when and why they made them, the materials they used, and the use they get. I love this one because it was beautifully made by Michelle, but it is also sentimental.

She started it when I was pregnant with Lola, but didn't give it to me until she came to visit after Fiona's birth. While this might cause her embarrassment, I am glad she finished it when she did. After the birth of all 3 of my girls, she was able to quilt all of their names on the border, one on each side, with 'sweet dreams' quilted on the 4th side. So the sentimentality factor makes it that much more meaningful to me.

{Lola Jane}

This one was also skillfully made by Michelle, for my dorm room my first semester at BYU. I think it is the most stunning of my quilts. At the time we both really liked star motifs. I still do. I'm pretty sure I asked her outright to make me one, which again, is quite a gift of time, talent, and money. I used it on my bed until I got married.

I love the scalloped quilting design.

Why must you torment me, mitered corners?!

Finally, another in-the-works quilt I started about 10 years ago as a student at BYU. I remember I saw a page in the Company Store catalog. The product featured was a set of sheets, but on the bed was this kind of crazy log cabin quilt. It was the first time I'd seen a design like that and vowed to make one. I wanted it to be full of bright, mismatched prints which I clearly achieved.

Although I still have all my materials cut to size and organized by color, this one is still far from done. I imagine my girls will love it when it is finished.

One thing I love about quilts is the beauty of the individual fabrics and the collective whole. On this quilt in particular, there are plenty of prints that individually, I would never use. Taken separately I would think some of them quite ugly. However, pieced together they create a rich tapestry of color and geometry. I love the sheer number of prints I used on this one and holding it, exploring and identifying each one.

It's also as close to improvisational quilting as I've gotten, although I still want to learn that technique as well.

While I don't think they count towards my collection, I also made these two doll quilts-previously featured-for my girls.

Lastly, there's the lap quilt I made for my grandpa this Christmas. I love this one for sentimental purposes as well. It's made from my dear grandmother's favorite and oft-worn aprons, house dress and robe. I love identifying each one as something she wore for years and typifies her to anyone who knew her intimately. I also love that her things could continue to bring him some comfort, now almost a year since her death. I'll say it again, quilts are the perfect medium for sentimentality.

So there is my fledgling quilt collection, made by those I love, and a few I made for those I love as well.

If someone has ever made you a quilt, know that they really love you.

It is a gift of love.

And beauty.

Man of the Year

2011-02-27T21:24:00.002-05:00

Last week Timm called me from work to tell me that he was just awarded 'Teacher of the Year' at his high school. (There are about 100 teachers there-) I was so excited! I have always known that he is an exceptional teacher, and will tell anyone who will listen, but finally he is being recognized for it. This year he transferred to a prestigious new high school closer to us, which just opened this year. He was nominated by his peers, which I believe to be even more of a compliment. Even teachers recognize him as the best teacher. I could keep gushing; I'm just really proud of him. I've told everyone I encounter, even if it is not easily worked into the conversation. Did I mention he is Teacher of the Year? Cause he is. Linda was appropriately impressed when I told her, and suggested we have a dinner to celebrate. Blake and Hayden made him this sweet banner.

Paul, Linda, Blake and Hayden congratulated him on paper.

Linda prepared a typically wonderful fare according to Timm's preferences. Roast with potatoes and carrots, balsamic green beans, and a great salad. I made this awesome flourless chocolate cake, courtesy of Michelle. I didn't actually have any, but I have it on good account that it was awesome. Just happens to be flourless, so it was the perfect Gluten-Free dessert! I think I will keep this as a standby GF dessert. In your face, garbanzo bean flour!

The gang. (Sorry Sophie and Chase!)

Like I said, I've always thought of him as Teacher of the Year, but now he's being recognized for it. (Not financially, of course. Not really in any way other than verbally, but still.) It looks great on his resume, which has seen a lot of use lately, know what I mean? Also, did I mention that this is only his 4th year of teaching, and his first at this school? Cause it's true.

For our full mailing address where checks of congratulations can be sent, please email me and I will happily provide it.

Way to go, Timmy!

Intentional Run-On

2011-02-25T11:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for stopping at Harris Teeter on your way home from work at 9:00 at night to get me a Coke (1) and some salsa even though I didn't ask you to and you'd already worked a 15-hour day and had to go to bed before you worked another 15 hour day (2) and you were so tired but you know me well enough to know I really did want those things, I just didn't want to ask you to do it and since you know I don't have a car to go get them myself you just did it.
That was like a love letter.

I love you too.

jt

p.s. Someday, watching a NatGeo documentary on the Aryan Brotherhood (however interesting it is) will not be what our dates consist of.

(1) One of my resolutions this year is to give up soda-namely Coke Zero- and I have been doing very well. I generally buy myself one once a week when I go grocery shopping, the exception being when my mom and dad came to visit and had the fridge well-stocked with it for their stay. I am going to get to where it's a special-occasion -out-to-eat rarity.
(2) My poor husband works-without complaint-about 60-65 hours a week including his commute between two jobs, neither of which pay enough. (I however, complain enough for the two of us.) Hence, my post ~~imploring you to find us a new job~~ informing you of an exciting opportunity.

Geeked Out Valentine

2011-02-22T21:38:00.001-05:00

My final Valentine's craft was for my Valentine, geek that he is. So I went the geek route, hoping that he could and would hang it in his classroom. That remains to be seen, but I'll let you know where it ends up.

I thought I was quite clever, but I had to explain the pun to Bella about 10 times. She may or may not have understood by that tenth explanation, but I was still pleased.

I don't know why, but I really love macro shots of embroidery. Like, a lot. Also, I really love embroidery. Like, a lot.

I painted the hoop black to try and up the masculinity factor, with is otherwise a bit lacking in the embroidery hoop, in my opinion.

I always glue the fabric onto the back of the hoop to finish it. I often glue a grosgrain ribbon on top of that, but that didn't seem to up the manliness so I left it off of his.

Happy Valentine's Day, Geek.

February in the Carolinas

2011-02-21T21:42:00.000-05:00

This is what late February looks like in NC. A high of 78, and a trip down to the greenway on Saturday. I felt like a good mom for several reasons. For one, I am prone to want to stay inside all the time, but my kids, not so much.

So Good Mom Reason Number 1: I chose to let my kids out of doors.

Good Mom Reason 2: I had to lift our super-heavy garage door that is broken and does not open anymore. Have you ever lifted a broken automatic garage door? Very heavy. So I lifted it, braced it on my shoulder, and used my feet to kick out the girl's bikes before closing it again. (Trying to gently let it down before I lost control and it fell with a loud clang and a shudder, narrowly missing my toes.)

(Fiona has the sweetest tricycle in existence. It is a Schwinn roadster.)

Bella, although a bit reticent, did well on her new bigger bike. Much taller than her old one.

Good Mom Reason Number 3: Fiona didn't last too long and I had to carry her tricycle. The whole time.

Good Mom Reason Number 4: After biking on the greenway, I let them play in the creek.

Bella calls it the riverbank, which I love, but it's really just Clark's Creek. I love it though, and it runs all through the extensive greenway giving us several bridges and many opportunities for wading, skipping, and general exploring.

Good Mom Reason Number 5: I let them get muddy and wet.

(Yes, I made her clip for Valentine's Day...upside down.)

(I love this particular spot. Some other family was there catching crayfish.)

Good Mom Reason Number 5: I let them go to the playground afterwards. And I still carried her tricycle the whole way home. It's all metal, including metal fenders, and pretty friggin' heavy for a tricycle.

I fully realize that these are pretty average accomplishments for the average mom and their kids, but I am a little slow on the parenting learning curve. Like I said, I am happy to stay indoors, but this is just another learning and growth opportunity that parenting provides.

And best of all, Fiona took a nap that day.

I love living in the Carolinas. I love the beauty, the trees, the greenway and playground at the end of my street, and a 78 degree day in February.

Tedium, in 3 Parts

2011-02-17T21:33:00.002-05:00

Part I- A short play

Part II- A treatise on body image

Part III- A contradiction to the treatise

Part I

Last night.

Timm and I.

10:30 pm, a late night for us.

In a darkened hallway, heading for bed.

Me: So, I really think you ate my fortune cookie.

Timm: No, I didn't. I threw it to you, then I ate my fortune cookie.

Me: Yeah, but I put it down. I think you found it, forgot you ate your fortune cookie, thought it was yours, and ate it.

Timm: I didn't forget that I ate my own fortune cookie.

Me: Yeah it's easy to do. I do it all the time. I'll reach for something to eat and then I look and it's not there, and I'm like, 'Oh, man! I already ate that? Dammit!'

Timm: I do not participate in mindless caveman-like eating.

Me: Whatever, people do that all the time. It's not just me. They do!!

Which leads me to another point:

I'm fat.

:: Girls, my girls, if you are reading this-years from now- don't you ever say that. ::

Part II

Now allow me to sidetrack into another, ranting vein:

I am very aware of the self-loathing that comes from being self-conscious of one's body. I had these issues all growing up, and still do as I think most women do to a degree. It's an effect of growing up in our body-conscious culture that prizes thinness above all else. It begins to seep into us as children, listening to our mothers and other role models as they pinch their fat in the mirror and begin to catalog all of the reasons that they are imperfect and inferior in some way, and thus unhappy. It can be self-directed, or merely the undue emphasis on one's appearance, for good or for ill, when assessing or describing a person. Celebrities, friends, that person in front of us at church, someone passing on the street. We are too emphatic about appearance and shunning or ridiculing those we meet with displeasure, or elevating and praising those we approve of. Ourselves included. Thus I have always been adament about trying to avoid this with my girls as much as possible. They have never heard me complain about my body or my appearance in any way. I may give myself a through redressing in my mind, but these words are never uttered in their presence. I try not to comment on others' appearance unnecessarily or to identify one by the way they look, to categorize them or label them. I tell my girls they're beautiful, but I always make sure to tell them they're smart, funny, caring, and compassionate as well. I had a friend when I was young, and her father was constantly exclaiming over how beautiful she was. As a 12-year old I was simultaneously a bit envious of this praise or her beauty that inspired it, but also sad that this was the only attribute her father had praise for. It was so one-dimensional and shallow, and even as a child I could recognize that. So can our children, so this is my small part to try and balance the constant bullying our children, our girls, will receive from the world- that they do whatever necessary to conform to the ideal, or deservedly hate themselves when they do not. That all hinges and depends on their beauty or lack of it. At least they won't hear it from me.*

Wow. That went on a lot longer than I intended. I can't even remember why I started writing this to begin with. Oh, right.

I'm fat.

Part III
I kind of tired even myself out writing all that, so it must be equally or more so tiring for a reader. Let it just be known that tomorrow marks exactly 4 months until my 30th birthday, and I would really like to be a little closer to my goal by then. And by closer I mean, not fatter. Less fat. Maybe even verging on thin. Despite everything I said up there, I still do want to lose weight, and not just for vanity's sake. I just don't feel good, and I don't feel like myself. That's the worst part. This is the hardest time I have ever had losing weight. By that I mean, the hardest time I have had keeping motivation to lose weight. I am fortunate that my metabolism and my body respond well when I eat right and exercise. They let me lose weight appropriately, but I have just not been able to do those things. I have wondered why it has been so hard for me this time, and I think it is because this is the longest I have ever been overweight. In the past, it was usually post -pregnancy, and I just lost the weight. This time, I gained the weight when I moved to Charlotte. 3 1/2 years ago. Ahem. I think because it has been so long, those habits are more ingrained and harder to break. I have gotten accustomed to being fat and eating poorly. Even if I hate it, it is the easy way. I need to find a way to keep my motivation in my sites and remember that I can do it, I have done it many times before, and it is worth it.

Oh, I am so tedious sometimes.

*It should be noted that I am exceptional at diagramming a problem, forming vehement opinions about it, advising others, and then living diametrically opposed to that opinion because of the difficulty I have in bridging the gap between what I believe and what is hard to do. Call Me Badger reserves the right to these opinions at the risk of sounding hypocritical or dumb.

How I Roll

2011-02-16T21:21:00.001-05:00

These are the kind of clothes I wear lately. Not that it was a nice shirt to begin with, but now as you can clearly see, it's pretty much trash. Or it would be to most self-respecting people. I however, wear it very regularly.

There are a few reasons for this, primarily because I have no money to buy new clothes. Secondary to that, but only just barely, is the fact that I am not in a physical condition to buy new clothes. I still have about 50 pounds to lose and have been quite complacent about that for far too long. I have a closet full of clothes that don't fit, and even if I had the money to go shopping (which I don't), I wouldn't want or know how to comfortably dress this current body of mine. It's not that I'm unfamiliar with being overweight, but I am never comfortable with it. Especially when it involves confronting a three-way mirror in a public place that is not conducive to fits of despair and audible tears of grief and shame.

But I digress- back to having no money. (It's a common theme in my life.) Not only do we have no money, but we have too much debt. It's a revolving door we have been going through all of our marriage- Not making enough money to get by and then relying on credit cards (or student loans in those days) to cover the neccesities. Usually it is for some actual emergency such as car repairs which are nonnegotiable, or for some of the frivolities I have come to expect like food and shelter for my children. The thing is, this credit card debt is not helping matters. This has come as a shock to me, as I'm sure it will to many of you as well. I will repeat: Credit card debt is not your friend. It's a hard truth to swallow.

We only have one vehicle, and that vehicle already has 200,000 miles on it. Even though we regularly maintenance it and it is in good working condition, I'm sure you can see where I am going with this. With Tim working two jobs, I almost never have access to the car. He works nights and weekends. I have the car available to me only a couple of nights a week, and Sunday, which is irrellevant. We need to have a plan for another car, or the scenario which is more fitting for my life: When we are finally able to afford a second car, our first will finally die, leaving us with- one car, again. Either way, we need a plan. Not that we haven't formulated plans in the past, it's just those frivolous luxeries we continue to indulge in, that is, food and shelter. The thing is, we already have a pretty tight budget. Not a lot of wiggle room, not a lot of extras. (Hence the holey, embarrasing clothing.) But we are making some serious strides and sacrifices to pay off those credit cards by this time next year so that we are in a position to get a used car. I'm not sure if it is possible, especially since our tax return this year is less than half what it has been in the past. The lowest one we have ever received; it will definitely not have quite the impact on this debt that I envisioned.

What you should take from this, the point I am trying to make is: you might get crap for gifts this year.

If at all.

And I will look super trashy.

So, you know- status quo.

Again, with the Yarn Wreaths!

2011-02-16T18:12:00.000-05:00

I told you I had 2 more to post. These were commissioned by Linda for her and Sophie, respectively. Incidentally, I would not ordinarily hang them from that wreath hanger. It was just a convenient way to take the pictures. And I probably shouldn't have taken them in front of the glass storm door.

But you get the idea.

Dress Up

2011-02-15T21:03:00.000-05:00

In a household with 2 girls of or under the age of 5, dress up is almost a daily occurance. I love the array of things they assemble, and certain things are always is hot demand. This was Fiona's choice before church on Sunday.

My favorite part was when Fiona marched up to Timm to show off her ensemble, paused, and then lifted up her eye patch to reveal, "I'm Fona!"

Because prior to that, we were so confused, wondering, 'Who is this little princess pirate fairy ballerina nymph with a lanyard bedecked in jewels?'

Oh, it's just 'Fona'.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T12:55:00.001-05:00

Last-Minute Valentines

2011-02-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

Here are two things you could totally make tonight, in time for Valentine's Day tomorrow. I find Valentine's brings me a wealth of creative inspiration. I am not one who shuns the holiday as one manufactured by the greeting card companies. I think any day that promotes we share and express our love for one another is wonderful. It's not about being single or not- it's about all the people that fill our lives with love. I can always remember my mom giving us Valentine's gifts as children, and she still does. Thus I find that my girls are the ones I find myself most thinking of in terms of Valentine's gifts and projects. Plus, little ones are the perfect recipients for so many things that may otherwise be considered too schmaltzy for adult consumers. Little kids, and girls especially, delight in the overabundance of pink, hearts and other themed motifs. It's wonderful to be able to indulge this, so even if you do not have your own children, think of a little person in your life who would enjoy these. Or even a not-so-little person.

These drawstring bags were adapted from a tutorial at Skip to My Lou. I just adjusted the size to meet my needs and sewed a little red (felt) heart. Of course, with the felt. Double-sided red and pink satin ribbon never hurts either. Fill it with candy, love notes or other trinkets and they'll be thrilled to have this bag to reuse over and over again for all those little things they collect.

For Bella's classmate Valentines, I used Dana's Heart Breaker printable. So easy- all you need is paper, staples and candy. I used construction paper that I trimmed to fit in my printer, but you could easily print it on regular paper and enlist your kids to color them in. Print, cut-out, staple, fill with candy, staple closed, voila! I used about a tablespoon of an m&m + cinnamon heart mix in each one. Plus, who doesn't appreciate a little N*Sync reference any day of the year? (Charlotte and especially Emily, I'm looking in your direction....)

Even the non-craftiest person can put these classmate Valentines together tonight. I have at least 2 more things I want to make tonight for my girls. I'm so weird. You'd think it was a career or something. Or at least lucrative. But nope, I'm just a stay-at-home-mom who pretends that these things matter and hope that my girls think so too. Since they're only 2 and 5, I have a pretty good chance of that being on my side. Also, we need a little more cause to celebrate in our lives, and the way I do it is with paper and fabric, deconstructed and then reconstructed again to resemble something different.

A Letter

2011-02-12T15:49:00.001-05:00

Dear Bob's Red Mill,

For the past 6 weeks my family has embarked upon the daunting and sometimes perilous journey of going Gluten-Free. My husband and possibly both of my children have Celiac disease. I am also a cook, and a baker. A pretty good one too. Especially the baking part. I was not raised or taught to use mixes in almost any scenario. We are from the make-it-from-scratch persuasion and this tradition has been passed down through several generations, as evidenced by my dog-eared and stained recipes from my grandmother. I'm sure you can imagine my dismay when faced with the task of continuing to bake good-for-you and more importantly good-tasting wheat-free cakes and cookies and the like for my family. Thus I have turned to mixes and relied heavily on them these past 6 weeks. As I learn to navigate the GF waters, buying specialty flours and ingredients to mix my own all-purpose flour, learning what ratio of xanthan gum to add to these flours and how to substitute these in my favorite recipes, mixes have become a crutch. A really good one to get us through these first few weeks. And for the most part, they have been surprisingly good. With 2 notable exceptions. Which brings me to my point:

First, it should be known- I am a bean lover. Across the board, I love beans. I even like lima beans! So it is not with an unfair bias against beans that I say to you, "Why in the name of all that is holy do you insist on making mixes, especially those meant for sweet treats like cake, with garbanzo bean flour?!?!? And fava beans?!" Now, I know you did not pioneer the use of these legume-derived flours, at least not to my knowledge. But when there are perfectly good, bland, and distinctly non-bean flours available, like rice, that you can easily slip in without notice, why would you rely on fava beans?! I made my favorite cookie recipe and they looked great. Held up wonderfully and could barely see a difference. Until I ate one and thought, "Hm. Beans." Have you ever had a bean cookie? No. And do you know why? Because they are disgusting. That is the reason you have not seen them featured behind the bakery glass or written up in Bon Appetit. People don't like beans in their cookies. Now, I used your all-purpose flour mix, so you could argue that maybe that particular flour would be best in a savory dish, in small quantities where it could go unnoticed. This is true. But then explain to me why you would create a chocolate cake mix, and then use the same garbanzo and fava beans flours?! It is specifically and obviously created to make a chocolate cake, and guess what? Not unlike the cookies, people don't like bean cake. And it's not subtle. I mixed it up, ignorantly, and it looked great. With anticipation, I licked the beater, as is a favorite pastime of mine. Immediately I shuddered and exclaimed "Beans!! Oh crap. Beans." And shuddered again.

Seriously, chocolate cake?

Garbanzo beans?

They do not go together.

I implore you to use other milder flours such as rice, but until then I will be taking my business to Betty Crocker, who's mixes are decidedly unbeany. I can't believe that I have come to take a stance on mixes that is anything but opposition, but here we are.

At an impasse.

I finally mixed up my own blend, so I hope to leave your mixes on the shelf from now on. I will, however use your individual ingredients. One of which, by the way, is rice flour.

Bothered by Beans,

Jessie

Birthday Crown

2011-02-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

I'm not generally one for tutorials- they take way too much forethought and time to put together. Plus, I usually make one of two kinds of things: Other people's ideas that I link to whenever possible, or 2. My own idea that is simple enough that photos pretty much explain it all. No tutorial needed.

This is number 2.

Miranda emailed me asking about them and I have had other inquiries as well, so I thought I would post some detailed photos for any interested parties.

I made one for Bella too, but it was literally 30 minutes before everyone showed up for her party and I threw it together. Not so pretty. She's due for a new one. Fiona's actually had some of that forethought that can be hard to come by.

Materials: wool-blend felt (duh), fabric scraps, 2 different ribbons, buttons, velcro, iron-on letter and embroidery thread. I also used Fray-Chek on the ends of my bow.

For this one I just measured the diameter of her head and added about 3 inches to allow for seam allowances and an overlap for the velcro. You can adjust this as needed. I drew out a scallop shape then cut the felt and my pink polka dot fabric from that pattern. Sew right sides together, leaving about 4 inches on the bottom to turn and clip and notch the corners and the curves. Iron carefully, using a press cloth directly on the felt. Depending on the materials used in the felt it can melt. Turning under the place you left open to turn, top stitch around the entire crown.

After that you can add any details you like. I used an iron-on letter for the monogram, stitched around that letter, sewed some buttons, embroidered some stars, sewed a thin grosgrain ribbon around the bottom of the crown and made the bow.

Measure your wearer's head to know where to place the velcro and sew on.

It's really not hard. Didn't even really warrant a tutorial, like I said.

Not that that was much of a tutorial.

Bullet points, mostly.

In retrospect, I made hers way too tall. She looks like she is about to take part in some kind of initiation rite. A non-birthday related initiation rite. You should probably take that into account when you are designing your own. Bella's, while otherwise a bit dumb, was pointed and appropriately sized.

Luckily the birthday girl or boy or grownup won't mind.

They're just thrilled to have their very own crown.

Valentine's Wreath

2011-02-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite things I've made lately, and it always help boost the creative ego when it is something completely from my own imagination. Not that I invented the yarn wreath-that accomplishment is boasted by this designer I linked to when I posted my last yarn wreaths. However, the entire design here was of my own imagining. I love it when I have my own ideas. However fleeting those instances may be.

I used some of that beautiful wool felt I directed you to yesterday as well as some Eco-felt I also use a lot. The eco-felt is made from recycled plastic bottles, but that's not why I use it. My 'green sense' is not nearly as honed as my 'craft sense'. It is less pricey than the wool obviously, but is still a step above lowly craft felt. But hey, we all start somewhere. I climbed the latter from cheap craft felt to wool blend felt and eco-felt, to Merino wool felt. They all have their place in the crafting ecosystem. Try them all out for different purposes.

You can get the wreath forms at your local craft store, as you can the yarn. I used some scraps from my stash for the arrow, and my favorite of all, Scrabble tiles from travel Scrabble. That makes all the difference. They are tiny, and like grandma says, 'Baby anything is cute'.

Timm still doesn't like these wreaths. All I could get from him is an 'It's cute for what it is.' Hmph.

Can you tell I really like making these yarn wreaths?

Total tally of wreaths made to date: 8.

I have 2 more to post.

Super Easy Valentine's Craft

2011-02-08T18:54:00.000-05:00

I am conceding defeat to technology on this one.

Technology: 1.

Me: Zip.

I am using my desktop computer like a chump.

This here Valentine's craft is so easy, anyone can do it. Anyone who has a sewing machine. And felt. And/or a car to transport them to buy said felt and/or sewing machine. Luckily, I am of the former- those who have a sewing machine and felt, because I am not of the latter- those who have cars. Fancy people, I like to call them. You know who you are.

Behold: a Garland.

(At this point you should sit down and prepare yourself and your notebooks for a rather long tutorial. Grab a cup of whatever it is you drink, put a show on for your kids, turn off the phone.)

1. Cut hearts from felt, making it up as you go along so that every one of your aproximately 84 hearts are unique. I suppose you could make and use a template if you liked, but not me.

2. Chain stitch* them all together.

Ta-Da!

Did you get all of that?

{*Chain stitch is a sophisticated term that simply means you sew them all together, one after another without lifting your presser foot. Presser foot is a sophisticated term for the part of your sewing machine that holds your fabric down. Just keep feeding one heart after another, close enough so that they are touching, or almost. Continue until done.}

I used 6 colors and ordered them in a color gradation from light to dark. Incidentally, I ordered this beautiful 100% Merino wool felt from here, and I was so thrilled. It is beautiful and a joy to work with. I recommend taking the plunge and buying some of this for your next keepsake project. (i.e. the kind of thing you want to keep and display, not something your kid will make. There are "other" kinds of felt for "those kind" of projects.)

I was in a quandary over where to hang them, and I finally settled on my piano. I doubled it back so that I have 2 strands. I'm still not sure if I love it there, but there it will stay for this Valentine's Day.

Fiona really wanted me to show you her kirt. (skirt)

Also her bellybutton apparently.

She has two skirts that she alternates between and wears them 24/7 night and day. That is, she wears one over her jammies every night, and the only way we get them off of her on Sunday morning is because a twirly dress trumps a twirly skirt every time.

Also, she evidently still thinks the pirate face is her best look.

This coming from a girl who wears this skirt over fleece elephant footie pajamas.

I have at least 2 more Valentine's things already made that feature some of that same Merino wool felt.

To come.

Winner + Past Valentine Inspiration

2011-02-08T08:28:00.001-05:00

And the Winner, chosen by Random.org is travelingnut.blogspot.com! Please email me (jessietaylortanner@yahoo.com) to receive your $30 code for csn.

I had a lot of fun doing the giveaway, so I am going to scheme up some more. I was so excited to hear from so many people, those I know personally and those I do not- But was still a little disappointed because I know several of you who did not participate in my online roll call. :) Perhaps another giveaway might smoke some more people out. I will be devising a diabolical plan, to be sure.

In other news, my laptop may be out of commission for longer than expected now that my battery is kaput. (Did you know laptop batteries cost about $150? wtf? As you will recall, that reads as exactly "w.t.f" and does not serve as any actual acronym, gleaned from Timm's many hours spent with high school kids.) For now I am relying on old photos, from a project I made 2 years ago, but remains one of my favorite. I made these 'sugar cookies' for Bella's Joy School class when she was a wee 3 1/2 year old.

I was thrilled with them, but was afraid it might not be readily apparent what they were. Then I doubted the greatness of the gift since in general, if you have to tell someone what it is you made, maybe it's not so great. If it needs a label specifically designating its use, perhaps it needs some work. I was reluctant to simply attach a tag that read 'Sugar Cookies' for those reasons. I was belaboring this point late into the night when inspiration struck me:

I was so thrilled with this idea that I ran into the bedroom and woke Timm up out of a sound sleep so I could excitedly proclaim my triumph. "Get it? Get it?! Genius!!!" Or something like that. His reaction, in the middle of the night, left a little to be desired.

These were so simple to make. I used a wool-blend felt, and they have held up remarkably. 2 years later and they look almost exactly as they did when I made them. I sandwiched them in packs of 3, with 2 pink and 1 red, but I think any pastel color would be cute for the icing as well. Of course adding beads or sequins to the icing as sprinkles would be cute too, but I loved the simplicity of these. And the ease. You should totally make some.

I'm going to try and photograph some other things today and move on in woeful misery without my trusted sidekick, laptop, whom I have come to rely upon daily ever since Timm brought (him/her?) home from salvage at school a year or so ago.

Thanks for participating in the giveaway!

Look for another one soon. ish.

Giveaway, Already!

2011-02-05T08:49:00.001-05:00

My laptop problems are closer to being resolved, but still making me super frustrated! I can't access my photos, so I can't post my Valentine's crafts or projects, making my blog visually unappealing. However, I still have a $30 giveaway to share!

The giveaway is for a $30 credit to csn stores. They have over 200 sites, and you can really get just about anything. There are no strings attached, just free $30 towards whatever you choose. And just in case you needed a jumping-off point to start thinking of what you would buy, I think my choice would be this.

The requirements to enter are simple. Leave a comment introducing yourself. Consider it a virtual roll call. I want to know who's out there, who's reading, stalking, lurking, and who you are! If you are reading this right now, I want to hear from you- whether we are family, close friends, or have never met and I have no idea who you are. Tell me your name, where you are, and anything else you'd like. Please make sure your email address is linked to your account or leave it in your comment so I can notify you if you win. Feel free to send your friends this way for the giveaway. Stop strangers on the street, that kind of thing.

~~Comments will close Sunday, February 6th at 10 pm EST. I will choose the winner with a Random Number Generator and post the results on Monday morning!~~
** I have extended the giveaway until Monday, February 7th at 11pm EST in order to allow more entries. I will post the winner, chosen by a Random Number Generator on Tuesday.**

Good luck, and nice to meet you!

PSA

2011-02-03T00:57:00.000-05:00

There is a chance (albeit a very small one) that eating frosting off of a spoon throughout the day will make you physically ill. Even if it is homemade. I am actively working to disprove this theory and will keep you apprised of my findings.

Also, my laptop has contracted a nasty virus ("Damn you, cyber bullies!!!") and is in repair. Thus, I have a lot of photos to post, Valentine's crafts to show, and emails to respond to, but this is complicating matters. My IT tech (Timm) is putting in long hours to restore things and hopefully I will be back in the fray quickly. Although he does work 2 jobs, and won't be home for the next 3 days and nights, so it may be longer than I anticipate. (I don't pay him very well either.)

Back to my frosting research.

Baby Shower Gifts

2011-01-31T20:38:00.000-05:00

My tearful scene at Amanda's baby shower was not the only gift I gave to her.

No, Linda and I went in on a gift where Linda bought the onesies and I embellished them. Since I had approximately $2.50 in my bank account at the time, the arrangement worked out nicely for me. Using this tutorial from Prudent Baby, I made two onesie dresses. (Incidentally for those of you who have or might endeavor to make these, despite being advertised as a '10 minute dress', there's no such thing as a 10 minute sewing project for me. Especially a dress. Even if it is a really simple dress like these. So you might want to set aside a few more minutes than 10 to make one of these.)

I love this fabric and have just been sitting on it since I got it at Mary Jo's a couple of months ago. Oh, that I had expendable income! I would make at least a monthly pilgrimage to Mary Jo's and stock up. And I would spend a lot more time buying things at Fabricworm instead of merely coveting. I cut one of the flowers, ironed some interfacing on and stitched around it 3 times to applique it to the onesie.

See! It's still a onesie!

They way you attach the skirt to the dress encases all the raw edges so that there are no scratchy parts for baby, and no ugly threads to show! (Although I did find this part a bit tricky since you can't really see what you are doing, and thus can't arrange or manage your gathers as you sew.)

Another one with ric rac and some fabric rosettes.

Excuse the hot glue spots- it's really hard to be careful with the hot glue when you're working with such tiny rosettes!

I keep old t-shirts to use for various projects. 'Old' should read as 'used and discarded but clean and in good shape.' For the floral cluster above, you just haphazardly cut circular shapes, layering them on top of each other. I did stacks of 3 in diminishing sizes. When you sew them on, you just kind of scrunch them together and again, haphazardly sew them to the shirt. As you stitch through the middle of the circles and pull, it natrually pulls them together into the desired shape. Cluster them close together. Seriously easy. And these look even cuter with washing- the edges of the knit fray ever so slightly and look better with time!

Using the same shirt I just made three ruffles and sewed them on! That one might have taken close to 10 minutes, but it was still more than that, I guarantee. I think I am slow, in more ways than one.

Four gifts- unique, pretty and fun!

(I threw in the public display of emotion as a bonus for the new mom.)

Giveaway To Come!

2011-01-31T18:37:00.001-05:00

Later this week I am excited to offer a giveaway to one of my readers! I don't believe I have ever done a giveaway, even of my own wares, so I'm happy to be doing so. CSN contacted me about offering a $25 giftcard to their sites, which is a fantastic offer since you can get nearly anything- from swingsets to sewing machines through one of their 200 online stores!

And just so you know, I could have kept it for myself and simply done a review, but I magnanimously chose to do a giveaway for one of my readers. Besides, since I've previously stated that we are rolling in cash due to Timm's lucrative career as a high school teacher, I don't really need anything. Plus, I thought it might draw a few people out of the woodwork, so to speak!

Stay tuned!

Sunday Prayer

2011-01-30T20:08:00.000-05:00

In general I think it may be considered irreverent or even sacrilegious to videotape and then publicly broadcast a prayer, but I think this is an exception based on above average cuteness.
This isn't her best one- not as clearly enunciated as some others- but it's the only one I have.

I Can't Take Me Anywhere

2011-01-29T21:57:00.002-05:00

I went to my friend Amanda's baby shower today and found myself inexplicably crying.

We're there celebrating her beautiful brand new baby girl, and I'm crying about my baby girl who died almost 7 years ago.

Yeah, I'm the life of the party.

It seems to be happening a lot lately.

*By continuing to read this you agree to abide by the following terms:

I will not openly mock Jessie for what she is about to divulge.

I will not utter the words 'I told you so', to her or in conversation about her.

I will try to stifle laughter and abstain from rolling my eyes.*

Yesterday I wrote about two, but three is what's really on my mind lately.

In a complete surprise to me, I cannot stop thinking about babies lately.

It's bittersweet.

I used to imagine that I would have three kids.

I did.

But one died.

So now I only have two one earth.

I thought we were done.

We took surgical methods.

But now I'm not so sure.

Even when we decided for Timm to have his vasectomy, the number three still floated around my head. Three kids, our family. Which we had. Now that I find myself thinking about babies, I can't decide what the reason is. Do I feel that something, someone is missing because there is? In other words, am I missing Lola, the missing member of our family, like I will for the rest of my life? Or am I missing the presence of another baby to have join us here in our earthly home? Does three refer to my 3 girls as they are, or to a third baby, which would actually be my fourth?

I am blindsided by this consideration of having another baby. Besides trying to figure out what the basis for this feeling is, there are logistics to complicate matters. Apparently a vasectomy reversal is actually quite expensive. Several thousand dollars expensive. And Timm is already convinced of the finality of our family as it currently consists. If I really do yearn for another baby, it seems I may suffer another loss. In addition to the loss of my first born child, I may now suffer the loss of infertility which was exacted by my own hand.

The truth is, no matter how many babies I filled my home with, I would always feel a void. Until my family is restored in heaven, there always will be a void. No babies could replace my Lola. But could another baby bring me added joy? It seems the decision may not be mine to make.
For at least a year after Lola died I couldn't see another baby without feeling acute pain and grief, and I've been vaguely efeling that way again lately.

I mourn the loss of my baby girl, and now I may mourn the impossibility of having another.

Motherhood is fraught with emotion, complexities, growth, surprises, and love.

Always love.

I Love Two!

2011-01-28T19:28:00.000-05:00

I remember one time when Bella was about 2 1/2, shortly after we moved to Charlotte- I was crossing the parking lot with her, hand-in-hand, and she was performing some typical adorable 2-year antics when I thought: "I am totally, 100% completely in love with this girl!" I just felt smitten and held completely captive by her. (3 didn't hold quite the allure for me, but I blame part of that on pregnancy, and then post-partum hormones. A lot can be blamed on those, actually.) But Now Fiona is in the middle of that charismatic, funny, rapidly growing year of 2 and I am reminded of just how freaking cute it all is. I love seeing their emergent personalities developing more everyday- especially from one whose personality has been pretty clearly defined from infancy.

I just love 2.

So funny, affectionate, curious, charismatic, inventive, charming, precious, weird...

So fleeting.

So Fiona.

Addendum

2011-01-27T11:32:00.000-05:00

In a statement issued on Tuesday, there remains a point to be clarified:

Despite the previously sited wealth we have amassed being employed by a public school district, we are not seeking another position in teaching.

When questioned, Timm replied that he is particularly interested in corporate training or other areas of adult education, though other positions will be considered. (Except for other high school teaching positions.)

An oversight also occurred in which we failed to list Idaho as a possible location. Our preferred locations are generally those in which we have friends or family and are places we could at least stand to live.

More specifically, those locations include:

Texas- Dallas or Austin areas

Utah- Utah Valley or SLC areas

Colorado- Denver

and of course, the preferred location of the Queen City, Charlotte.

Please contact us with any further inquiries.

Exciting New Opportunity!

2011-01-25T20:09:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought to yourself:

"Gee, I sure wish Timm & Jessie (but mostly Jessie) lived closer",

or,

"It sure would be fun to live near (Timm and) Jessie!"

or,

"I've never even met (Timm and) Jessie, but I'm sure I wish I lived nearer to them!"

(Or perhaps the very idea of our leaving the fair city of Charlotte fills you with (deserved) panic and despair.)

If you have-and who hasn't?- then today is your lucky day.

Today I bring you an opportunity that could change your life.

Today could be the first day of the rest of your life.

:: insert other suggestive, inspiring and badgering rhetoric::

We have generously decided to try and expand our circle of influence by considering employment options other than our current one.

Yes, despite the riches we have amassed from Timm's high school teaching position, we have decided to risk it all, take a gamble, and consider a new field- all in order to reach out to you.

All you have to do is find Timm a job.*

Serious consideration will be given to positions in Texas, Utah, Colorado, or preferably here in Charlotte, although other states will also be considered for the right opportunity. Some restrictions apply.**

Timm has qualifications and experience in:

management

retail

curriculum design

training

teaching, specifically:

pre-engineering

drafting

computer-integrated manufacturing

robotics

Jessie will also consider positions in writing or blogging which may be done remotely.

Please email any questions, requests for a resume, or job opportunities.

Today may be your lucky day!

Submit a job for our approval today!

*job is required to pay more than our current position and/or increase our standard of living.

** Jobs in Nevada, New Mexico, or Arizona are prohibited by my aesthetic. It is likely that positions in the Dakotas will also not be considered.

On The Menu

2011-01-24T20:59:00.000-05:00

This was Bella's dinner tonight.

And that's a salad plate.

And she didn't eat a bite.

Was it really too much to ask?