Sunday, February 26, 2006

Sunday Musings

So Jill's blog has had me thinking- (which is often the case, which is why her's is the catalyst mother blog). I was thinking about her post about our insecurities keeping us from fully partici[pating in our lives. (At least that was my take on it)I think about this often in fact, because I allow that to happen so much in my own life. This morning was a prime example. Yesterday I made the solid commitment to attend all 3 meetings every Sunday. I know it sounds like small beans, but I can't even remember the last time I went to Relief Society. With Bella's schedule, we usually only attend Sacrament. (I use the term 'schedule' very loosely.)I decided that I was just going to make it happen. So I'm getting ready for church and trying to get dressed at the last minute. Everything else is done. I had an outfit all picked out, but everything I try on makes me look disgusting! I am getting so frustrated... I have been having diet issues lately and have seen the horror of my weight slowly creeping back up in the last couple of weeks-NOT acceptable! I'm sure most of you have experienced this problem- trying on outfit after outfit with no success. I'm feeling discouraged to the point where I just want to crawl back into bed and forget all about church. SO then I think- 'Damn that Satan!' I apologize to any of you that are not LDS because now I sound insane. But I know he's just trying to thwart my efforts. he is trying to make me stay on the sidelines like I do so frequently in my life because I am uncomfortable or insecure about the way I look or whatever dumb insecurity I have. Not that this is terribly comforting, but like anyone at church really cares what I look like. So I just settle on something and try to buck up. I stay through all my meetings, and Bella is pretty darn good about it. (We just have to spend some time in the halls letting her crawl and explore) I feel like so often I am waiting for my real life to begin... (Haven't listened to the cd yet, I think I may have left it at Shell's) I really want to be able to shed those insecurities and just fully participate in my own life. I know I am missing out on so much when I sideline myself. Along with those insecurities, I like most people, allow myself to be consumed with comparisons with others. I know that is just what Satan loves, because we will never fully measure up. I don't know how to get over that except to try and concentrate on the Savior. So much easier said than done. I try to remember grandma's words of wisdom and think, "It only has to be okay with me and the Savior". I know that if I can only manage to live a Christ-centered life then all the rest will fall into place. The only thing is, that's a pretty overwhelming concept sometimes. I really have a lot to learn in this life. And I can't help but think, I really hate that damn Satan.

9 comments:

rmt said...

Way to go Jessie! Going to all three meetings is a huge accomplishment when you have a baby. As for the rest of it... you know me. I constantly limit myself by giving in to my insecurities. Oh well; I'm working on it. I totally have an insecurity about leaving comments on your blog but I'm working on that too. See ya!

Jill said...

Good job not giving into the little voice in your head telling you to stay home. I know it's super frustrating to spend that time in the hall with a baby, but I've heard that's one of the reasons for the art work. At least you can think about the pictures and the events they're depicting. Also, you're instilling the habit of going to church into Bella (whether she knows it or not), and that will pay off later.

jt said...

That's one thing I keep telling myself, about instilling it in Bella. And Rachelle, you're a dork to have a complex about leaving comments. How's that for a little voice in your head?

Amie said...

Interesting - I had never thought of the pictures for that purpose. I had a good experience yesterday and since have been struggling to stay uplifted, I feel Satan is working on me too and have had to make a constious effort to get him out of my head! (see now I am a stalker, you may be sorry you asked for "my" comments)

dpw said...

Regarding babies/children and the three-hour meeting block, you just have to keep telling yourself, "It's just a phase, it will pass. I will one day in the future get to sit through all of my meetings again" (after yesterday's meetings in my ward, that last one may not be such a plus). As someone who has lived through church with four children (oldest now 18 and youngest 7) and attended faithfully throughout, I can only say that it's worth it and I'm glad I did--mostly for myself. I do, however, whole-heartedly agree with Jill about instilling the habit of church attendance in your children. I am grateful that my parents gave that gift to me. The past couple of years have been a bit bumpy for me, but it has been the strength of good habits--habits that I can do on auto-pilot--that have kept me going.

Go to hell, Satan!

michelle said...

I cannot stop laughing about Denise telling Satan to go to hell... hee hee! Seriously, one of my favorite parts of the scriptures (though don't ask me to tell you where it is!) is where it says if we could see Satan, we would feel like "whaaah? Him? That's the guy who's been giving me such a hard time?" That's paraphrasing to the extreme, folks. But I really like that thought, that even though he's powerful, he's also a weakling, and pathetic, and if we could see this enemy face to face, we would just walk away, shaking our heads, not even believing that he could persuade us to do wrong or to think badly of ourselves. I wish I could keep that image in my mind always.

Your old Ohio roomie, Kim said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one with insecurities. (one of which, like rmt, is posting comments on your blog!) I always tell my husband, although I've never been diagnosed, that I have "social anxiety disorder" which sometimes prevents me from attending relief society (I hide in the nursing mother's lounge), enrichment and any girl's night out activities to which I'm invited. However, my husband is pretty persistant in getting me out of the house because he knows, once I make that step to leave, I usually end up having a pretty good time. But as I'm on my way out the door I always tell him... "they're going to pour pig's blood on me!" (that quote has meaing to anyone who has seen the Stephen King flick "carrie") Anyway, since you made it to all three meetings, maybe I won't let my insecurties get in the way and I'll work on attending the next girl's night out.

jt said...

Michelle- that is also one of my all-time favorites scriptures. I thought of that on Sunday. I thought, "screw you Satan- you're just pissed because you don't even HAVE a body, so there! In your face! so what if I have fat arms or cellulite, or stretch marks? You should BE so lucky!" it went on and on in my mind, so I'll stop there.

jt said...

and Kim... I totally have it too. It's funny, because it's never the people you think... I'm sure most people would be astounded to hear you say that because you're so entertaining, cute, funny, outgoing... and I totally remember you saying the Carrie quote in the single days. I also made a goal to go to EVERY ward function. (I'm feeling really ambitious!) and Comment often- I love to hear from you! There are so many people that I wonder if they read my blogg and how they are doing that I never hear from. (Skina, for instance!)

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