Wednesday, April 19, 2006

No Photo Entry

I am so proud of myself- I rarely say that because a) it sounds a little bit stupid to say and b) I hardly ever do something that just makes me proud! But today I am- small accomplishment, but I went to the gym. It's not much, I know, but it's momentous today. I've been struggling with depression as I wait for my new medicine to work it's magic. No magic yet. I'm not spiraling into the depths of despair (if I were you wouldn't be reading this...) but I'm just kind of blah, and know where it would be heading if I didn't have help on the way in the form of medicine coursing through my system. Although I know I will probably never be one of those naturally happy and optimistic people I envy, I am realizing that there is a lot I can do to try and keep my spirits up. I have a little bit of a cold, so I didn't go to the gym on Monday as it is hard to wipe your nose while working out, as well as the fact that it is generally frowned upon by the gym-going crowd. Today I still have the cold and it was an easy cop-out, but then I saw my day ahead of me. It was going to be the third day in a row that I stayed in my lounge clothes (arguably because I had nowhere to go and can afford the luxury). I would nap when Bella napped, and basically schlep around the house, wishing I felt better, and literally watching the world go by. That's how I feel when I am depressed- that there is a whole world out there waiting to be explored and enjoyed, and instead I just watch it all go by without me. And I feel powerless to effect change. Normally I would probably just let this slump come over me, except for the fact that I am a mother, and I want the best for my daughter. I don't want her to miss out on anything, and when it really comes down to it, I don't either. I want to be happy and be a full participant in my life, and the lives of those around me. I don't want to allow my depression, or my-sometimes poor body image to make me miss out on ANYthing. So with the idea of change, and the fact that our many choices determine our destiny, even if little by little, I went to the gym. I worked out hard for 45 minutes, and I was SO glad I did. It turned my whole day, my whole attitude around. Granted, it's only one day- but going today makes it easier to go the next time. Going to the gym makes it easier to eat better today and stick to my other goals. Making this one, albeit small accomplishment, makes it easier to accomplish other things. And an added bonus- for some reason I've hardly had the tv on at all today- maybe seeing other adults at the gym gave me a boost of companionship so I didn't seek it in daytime tv.
*What have you done that makes you proud of yourself? If you can't think of anything lately- do something now!*

10 comments:

Hannah said...

I really like this post. I'm glad you are able to get whatever help you need to get back to being you- and I really appreciate the insight you offered at book club last week regarding depression. When you talk about your struggles, I can't help but to be grateful and feel fortunate that I am one of the lucky ones that has not had to struggle with it. I don't think I would feel this way, or even think about it unless you talked so openly about your experience.

I think going to the gym today was an awesome idea, and a great accomplishment since you have been in lounge mode the last few days- so don't cut yourself short on the accomplishment that is truely is. I love how working out can make your whole day turn around as far as eating and just everything. We should do another park/walk with the girls sometime this week if the weather stays warmer.

Hannah said...

Oh, and to answer your question, I am pretty proud of myself for all the walking I have been doing as well as how much one on one time I have spent with Mya this week.

Jill said...

I'm really impressed that you made yourself go to the gym. That's a big deal, so even though you say "it's only one day" I say, "It was ONE day!!! Woohoo, Bells & Whistles all around!" I think one day of any good habit is a big deal, especially when you're feeling depressed and are in perfect position to sabatoge yourself. Way to go!!

As for what I'm proud of--for me giving up soda completely is a HUGE accomplishment, and no tv this week is big too. I'm proud that I haven't waivered at all.

rmt said...

Jessie, thank-you so much for being so honest about your struggles. I'm sorry that you are having a rough time, but at the same time I am so proud of you for having the courage to help yourself! You are really an amazing person and I am thankful that I know you. Hooray for you for going to the gym! And I agree with Jill--what do you mean it was only one day? That's one more day that you made a good choice!

Bridgitta said...

Dittos to the above entries. Son't be ashamed of being proud of your one day! Baby steps:) No one shoul have to leap over a wall when they want to accomplish something! Good job! I have to say that I was smiling for your desire to be a better person for you an Bella. Isn't that why we are here?

FRT said...

Jessie, I am also very proud of you!! And you are right...the accumulation of many small decisions has a HUGE impact on our lives. Sometimes good habits are hard to form, just as bad habits are hard to break. I also feel much better when I work out...not only physically, but emotionally. I am SO grateful for good health. That is part of the reason for my motivation, it helps maintain weight, but is just such a health promoting thing to do. Good luck getting through this down period! I have a lot of respect for your ability to deal with adversity.

Beatrix Kiddo said...

I am proud that I can see the carpet in my room as of last night;) jk.

michelle said...

Sadly, i can't think of a whole lot that I'm proud of at the moment, so I guess I'd better get to work! I hope you start feeling better soon and I'm glad you found a way to get yourself to the gym and turn your day around. Doing something difficult when you're depressed is really impressive!

dpw said...

I have a confession: I read this post late last night and could think of nothing in particular to feel proud of having done. But your discipline to go work out inspired me to commit to get up early this morning (Thursday) and do pilates! I did it--and I'm feeling it in my "core." I feel much better about my day today after having started it with a (albiet small) workout. Thanks for inspiring me!

aud said...

Jessie, I'm Bridgetta's mom and think you are absolutely awesome always! As I write this tears are streaming down my face because I am so depressed so constantly. I think it's great that you have a medication - can I have some? I'm just kidding, of course, and am trying to knock mine without medicating but without much success. I went to Curves the first of March and signed up for a year and have (as of today) returned once. Exercise is so good for bouying up one's spirits, but I tend to watch my world pass. And it is beautiful outside. I so loved your analogy and can really relate. My 'Bella' is Bridget and how it hurts to have her so very far away. Thanks for sharing - and I'm off to have a good cry!

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