Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Humble Return

Okay, so here I am. Don't expect anything great, or even interesting, or explanatory. It's enough that I'm writing/typing, right?
After seeing Hannah's SPT I was really touched. I read it, then I read it over again because I was a little unbelieving. Then I went about the rest of my day and kind of thought about it every once in a while. I have seen, read, and heard so many warm things about me lately that I am somehwat puzzled by...Very heartened, but puzzled.

I have been struggling with depression for about 8 years now. I'm still trying to figure it out- My psychiatrist says that I ahve clinical depression with a lot of BiPolar tendencies. I tend towords obsessive thinking and anxiety. Apparently I have a little ADHD thrown in there just for fun. I swear I'm not crazy-I'm just, er..."quirky".
But here's the point. There have been a lot of ups and downs with my depression, and sometimes they revolve and cycle very quickly. I have made some bad decisions and have not always been easy to love. My worst fear at one of these dark moments when I was struggling to identify my new self, was that I was not worth the effort.
I believed that most people-friends, men, would decide that while I was likeable enough, I was way too much work. Too much drama, too many surprises and instability.
My family has always stuck by me, but sometimes we have the tendancy to believe it's because they have to.
Here's the good part, where it cheers up. (Or maybe I'm just at the peak of one of my rollercoasters and shortly after I will come racing down! That's the suspense of being my friend!) I have a lot of wonderful people in my life. Recently the question was raised that if you had your life to do over again, or give another one a shot, what would you do? I think for most of us the answer would be simple. I would never trade my life for anything because of the people in it. That's what makes my life worth living, and worth the struggle that it sometimes is- Because they have stuck by me until I could emerge from the darkness into the light once more.

Just today I had an actual physical sensation that I can only describe as though the pins in a lock were all alligning...It felt like the tumblers just click, click, clicked into place and I felt realligned somehow. I don't mean to sound all mystic and spooky New Age because I definately am not. I had a moment of clarity.

It's hard for me to believe that I could be praiseworthy as a friend that is worth more than just talking to. (Because everyone knows I can always do that.)The fact that I have friends (that's PLURAL!) who love me despite my "quirkiness" has had me taking a different look at myself today and wondering what I really am capable of-that maybe there is something there that has been disguised by the loathesome weight gain, and seemingly stagnant progress in my life that those who love me have overlooked.

Today I blogged again because I was moved by the words of so many people's love and support. I have an amazing network of friends and family who support me through the nitty gritty for a few laughs occassionally. IT is because of you that I am taking a second look at myself. Today I am reassessing what I can do, what kind of an impact I can make. I am not going to hold myself back because I do not feel adequate. Thank you all for giving me a new picture of myself.

(and I will blog again, less seriously next time.)

...and... ti won't let me post a picture. No mercy for the prodigal blogger.


michelle said...

Woohooo!! I could not believe it when I was scrolling down the list of my RSS feeds and saw a new post on your blog! If I'd thought that posting about you would get you to blog again, I'd have done that long ago (then again, I'm family, so it probably would not have had the same effect).

I loved your description of the pins falling into place. A moment of clarity. What a gift. Welcome back, dear friend! You are most definitely worth it.

Jill said...

I'm shocked beyond belief and so delighted. I was a little sad that you weren't going to see the great posts about you yesterday, I'm so happy that you did and that you were inspired to return to us. (I will notify Alison immediately.)

Moments of clarity are priceless, I'm so glad you felt things click into place!

amy m said...

I am so delighted by this news. After spending a few hours with you the other night I just keep thinking to myself, man i wish this girl blog. She has so much to give.

I am glad you had a moment of clarity and that it has brought you back to blogging. You certainly will make an impact. You know I found once I let go and gave of myself I was happier than I thought I could ever be. It doesn't matter what "they" say, just be you...it's what everyone is attracted to.

welcome back!

Jenny said...

Welcome back! We have all missed you and your cute smile. (I think you have a great smile btw). And who could forget your cats? :)

I am sorry to hear about your day to day struggles. Just to let you know--you won't hear judging on my part. I think we all have quirks to a degree. After all no one is perfect right? I hope you come around more often!

stefanie@stationerywithstyle.com said...

Hi, I found you through Jill's blog. Glad to see that you are blogging again... and that it seems as though the clouds are lifting a bit.

Amie said...

When I read Hannah's post, I was hoping that you were reading too, even if not commenting. I thought it was such a sweet tribute to your friendship. (Don't forget that it was Hannah's list of 25 things about you that inspired all of the nice birthday posts we have seen in the past year...)

I am excited that you will be blogging again, I enjoy how real you are... one of my favorite qualities that cannot be said of many.

Welcome back!

cjw said...

I can hardly believe I just read a new post from Jessie! Yay! Thanks for sharing those thoughts and for what it's worth, you have definitely made an impact on me. Thanks :)

Diana said...

I'm glad you're blogging again, even though we talk every day I think there is something so intimate and open about blogging.
I meant everything on my blog. You know I am not good at putting my feelings into words and I feel much mroe than I could every write.
i had fun wiht you guys at the park today and can't wait for Lost tonight.

Elizabeth said...

You don't even know me, but I am glad you are back. I have enjoyed your blog even while you were away.

Anonymous said...

When you told me this morning I thought you were kidding- so glad I was wrong :P

I am delighted that everything has/is/continues to keep clicking into place for you lately and really have noticed a difference when we talk.

I am just so happy to have the blogging JT back :) You have been missed.

TX Girl said...

I actually almost deleted you from my side bar this week, but couldn't bear the thought- interesting.. no?

Love your analogy. Isn't it refreshing when it all just clicks and suddenly a level of peace comes with it.

So happy- I think I'll do a little jig. I've missed the quirky girl.

Robin said...

It's good to have a post from you Jessie (: You and I have discussed our "blogging habits" before, so you know how I feel about it. But it is fun to have your thoughts in writing again on here. If you decide to pick it back up, that's awesome - if not, that's understandable too!

Anyways, I am really bad about putting things into words, but I hope you know how much your friendship means to me, Jessie. I am very excited for you guys, and these great opportunities in NC. But you will be sorely missed, for sure (:

Alison said...

Jessie's back! Yay! That was a really beautiful post. You are a great writer, and the way you described how everything clicked- I love moments like those.

I do have one blogging request, now that you're back... and I hope you are not overwhelmed by the 800 strangers clamoring for more Jessie... but I need some recent Bella pics STAT.

dpw said...

I love the Prodigal Blogger! (and ditto Allison's comment about pictures of Bella--STAT!) Love, love, love you.

mom said...

Yea! It is so thrilling to look forward to the entertaining ways of two daughters!!!! It looks like you will have to admit that you have alot of fans, intensity not withstanding! I have sorely missed the clever cwips and heart touching photos (cats included) and darling Bella. So, thankyou for the gift of self. And, I'm happy for you, you feel back in sinc. Welcome back baby girl.

mom said...

Something so cool-I took note that there was a beginning post from dpw with no copy when I was just trying to post. It made me feel totally connected because I knew we were doing to same thing at the same time and loving the same person at the same time! To make it even more spooky, I almost called you the prodigal blogger! (No forgiveness needed, however. Just happy to look forward to more. Goodnight for now.

Dad said...

Dear Jess, it was so good to read your blog. After reading your blog and comments about Hannah's comments in her blog, I had to read her blog (first time). It brought tears to my eyes. I can totally relate to her comments and feelings about you. So glad you have such good friends. Also glad to hear about the pins falling into place...you have so much to offer to others (including your father!!).

Crystalyn said...

jessie, very happy to hear you'll be blogging! i had so much fun in your home the other night and talked to amy on the way home about what a wonderful person i saw in you. i'm glad to have been able to meet you and look forward to reading your words now.

glad things are clicking. that is always a comforting feeling.

Kristi Brooke said...

it was like i just read my thoughts on my life. welcome back as i contemplate taking a blog break. thanks for writing that.

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