I have made a decision: I hate France.
Really, I guess you could say the entire European continent, or more specifically, Paris. My recently-discovered animosity towards the country as a whole is the main reason I have not blogged in a couple of weeks. (Notice the dates coincide when Michelle left for 'that place' and when I last blogged...) I guess hating an entire country expends a lot of energy because it has sapped me of all other motivations not dedicated to loathing it's cross-Atlantic self.
I actually see Michelle places- like the phantom images of my cat Simon after he died- I'd see him sneaking around corners and darting through the yard, only to realize that we'd put him to sleep already. It's like that, only she's not feline, and also not dead. Just in France. Children's Orchard had an amazing going-out-of-business sale ($1 per piece) and my instinctual response was 'I've got to call Michelle!'. I 'see' her at places frequently visited by the two of us, like Target, the grocery store...Okay, I guess it's really just anywhere I go.
I find myself wanting to call her several times a day about the most idiotic things, for which she is probably grateful that I can't. It reminds me of when Bella was an infant and I would call her to ask her about the consistency of baby poop, or what I should dress Bella in so that she would be warm enough- Only now, it's to gush over Blake Lewis's Idol performances, ask her scrap advice, tell her about a Micheal's sale, or some dumb thing Bella said. Incidentally, whenever we get in the car Bella's immediate response is to say: 'Eva's house?' When I shoot that possibility down she responds with 'Charlotte?'. (Who also went home for the summer.)
Today at Macey's (the grocery store) she was pointing to a grey-haired man and calling 'Grandpa!' to which I had to inform her that now grandpa was also in France, and that we hate that place.
Most of you know that I am not much of a crier- Chalk it up to the 9+ pills I am (supposed) to be taking daily. While I feel a range of emotions (probably enough for at least 5 normal people...) the tears simply can't break through the pills and food I tend to stuff them down with. (Only semi-kidding...) Yet since Michelle's departure, or shortly beforehand, I have shed many a tear. By the time she returns, I will only be here for about 3 more weeks. (Then everyone else may commence hating North Carolina or the entire Eastern Seaboard if they wish.)
It has sunken me into a slump that just this week I have been trying to remedy with mixed results. I hate that I am so easily sent into a tail-spin in my life. I do not feel the stability with my moods/depression that I so desperately need, and seem to be so easily offset in my success or stability. If I had one wish, it would be for some consistency, and some actual ground gained. I want to learn some of these lessons with some finality and stop acting out that insipid movie 'Groundhog Day' every day I wake up and vow that today will be different. Usually I quickly amend that statement by thinking , 'on the other hand, tomorrow sounds much better. Today I will continue to wallow and further solidify bad habits that bring neither happiness nor progress. Yes- that sounds much better.' (obviously I am not quite so honest with my self-talk or I would realize what a self-saboteur I become when I am even mildly depressed.
In the mean time, instead of seeking real answers or solutions, I have decided: Blame France.
Posts
