Friday, May 11, 2007

I am an island...in a land-locked state.


I have made a decision: I hate France.


Really, I guess you could say the entire European continent, or more specifically, Paris. My recently-discovered animosity towards the country as a whole is the main reason I have not blogged in a couple of weeks. (Notice the dates coincide when Michelle left for 'that place' and when I last blogged...) I guess hating an entire country expends a lot of energy because it has sapped me of all other motivations not dedicated to loathing it's cross-Atlantic self.
I actually see Michelle places- like the phantom images of my cat Simon after he died- I'd see him sneaking around corners and darting through the yard, only to realize that we'd put him to sleep already. It's like that, only she's not feline, and also not dead. Just in France. Children's Orchard had an amazing going-out-of-business sale ($1 per piece) and my instinctual response was 'I've got to call Michelle!'. I 'see' her at places frequently visited by the two of us, like Target, the grocery store...Okay, I guess it's really just anywhere I go.
I find myself wanting to call her several times a day about the most idiotic things, for which she is probably grateful that I can't. It reminds me of when Bella was an infant and I would call her to ask her about the consistency of baby poop, or what I should dress Bella in so that she would be warm enough- Only now, it's to gush over Blake Lewis's Idol performances, ask her scrap advice, tell her about a Micheal's sale, or some dumb thing Bella said. Incidentally, whenever we get in the car Bella's immediate response is to say: 'Eva's house?' When I shoot that possibility down she responds with 'Charlotte?'. (Who also went home for the summer.)
Today at Macey's (the grocery store) she was pointing to a grey-haired man and calling 'Grandpa!' to which I had to inform her that now grandpa was also in France, and that we hate that place.
Most of you know that I am not much of a crier- Chalk it up to the 9+ pills I am (supposed) to be taking daily. While I feel a range of emotions (probably enough for at least 5 normal people...) the tears simply can't break through the pills and food I tend to stuff them down with. (Only semi-kidding...) Yet since Michelle's departure, or shortly beforehand, I have shed many a tear. By the time she returns, I will only be here for about 3 more weeks. (Then everyone else may commence hating North Carolina or the entire Eastern Seaboard if they wish.)
It has sunken me into a slump that just this week I have been trying to remedy with mixed results. I hate that I am so easily sent into a tail-spin in my life. I do not feel the stability with my moods/depression that I so desperately need, and seem to be so easily offset in my success or stability. If I had one wish, it would be for some consistency, and some actual ground gained. I want to learn some of these lessons with some finality and stop acting out that insipid movie 'Groundhog Day' every day I wake up and vow that today will be different. Usually I quickly amend that statement by thinking , 'on the other hand, tomorrow sounds much better. Today I will continue to wallow and further solidify bad habits that bring neither happiness nor progress. Yes- that sounds much better.' (obviously I am not quite so honest with my self-talk or I would realize what a self-saboteur I become when I am even mildly depressed.
In the mean time, instead of seeking real answers or solutions, I have decided: Blame France.


9 comments:

Hannah said...

This makes me so sad for you and makes me hate France with you. I envy the friendship you and Michelle have as sisters- and I hate seeing you in such a state, esp since the gears in your clock had finally clicked back into place.

I think it is so normal to feel what you are feeling though and that giving yourself the time to 'grieve' is totally what you need. One day you will wake up and decide that enough is enough and get back to being you- just give it a little more time. As usual, call me and let me know what you need...or save it all for our Thursday nights. Hang in there.

Jill said...

If it's any consolation to you this was a highly amusing and well written post. You conjured up all the emotions, reasons for feeling them, desire to change, and so on. I feel your pain.

TX Girl said...

My husband hates France too. Although you have a completely valid reason: it stole your sister and he just wants them to say thanks for the number of times we have gotten them out of a mess.

I'm sorry you are so blue. It is hard when you realize that person you could call 50 times a day is no longer that close at hand. I hope you start to feel better. I'm sure there is some solace in hating France, but maybe just hating Paris will make you feel better. You could sing the song from French Kiss- "I hate Paris in the springtime, I hate Paris in the fall, why oh why do I hate Paris.. because it stole my sister and won't give her back" (or something along those lines). Cheer Up.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry at your loss for Michelle. It is nice to have family nearby. My mom found out this week that the landlord is selling her house and she will have to move. I can understand some of your pain. I have been spoiled having her two doors down from me. You know you are always welcome at my place if you fee l up to the long 20 mile drive! We love you Jessie!
~Bridget

michelle said...

Oh dear, oh dear. (Or should I say "oh dee"? All I can say is, I hate North Carolina, for all the same reasons! Miss you like crazy, and Eva asks every morning to play with Bella. When we were waiting for Mom & Dad to arrive, she said, "and Jessie!". Sadly, no.

I guess I will have to be better about calling when you're awake...

mom said...

sad,sad,sad! Very sad! Soooooo sad!
You know it is only a week until Dad and I get there , so hang in there. It makes me sad to think of you being so lonely for Shell. A quick aside, all of my computer prompts are in French and it is quite strange! I know I sound redundant, but don't forget to turn first to prayer. So will I. I am very happy that you were prompted to post again! Don't stop, Pritzy-pritz.

Anne said...

Man that is so sad! I can definitely relate, at least I will in a month or two when my sister and her family leave me the lone ranger in the great state of Virginia. Hang in there!!

annalisa said...

I like the analogy of Groundhog Day. I feel stuck like that all the time. If I can just get through today, fighting the same decisions I did yesterday, I can survive. So how do you get out of the slumps? Hopefully North Carolina will bring you more happiness than France.

Lori said...

How sad! I feel so bad for you and wish there was something we could do for you. I attempt to call Jill a million times a day when she's gone to. I felt like that when I was in Australia for two months. It's like not being able to have a part of yourself. Very upsetting. I definitely think the healthy thing to do is blame France :)

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