I am an island of no scrapping supplies

right now I wish I had a friend nearby that I could call and say,
'Hey- do you have any silver eyelets I can use?'
cause I don't have a car at my disposal, or the aforementioned eyelets I need for my crafting projects.
Also I would like to call Shell and ask if she has any large vintage silver glitter. She would know what I mean, even if she didn't have any. Technically, I can call her but provided she had my necessary supply, the U.S. Postal system lacks the speed for my usage.

Tragedy!!!

Yes, yes, I know I can't hear that word without then hearing grandma's wisdom: "There is no tragedy except in sin."
But this is pretty damn close- I lost my CAMERA!!!!
'Nooooo They Be Stealin Mah Camra !!'

I left it at the playground in my neighborhood yesterday. I am off to Craigs List and to make signs. That's what I get for going outdoors.

Update: Camera found.
I knew I could rely on the good people of Charlotte to come through for me! I actually was quite hopeful because of the kind of people who live here. I had posted signs all over the neighborhood and was ending at the playground, or the 'Scene of the Crime.' I let Bella play for a while and was just about to leave when another couple arrived at the playground. Bella was on her 'last slide' and I was gathering my things. I mentioned to the woman that I was hanging signs, and it turned out that she was there to hang signs for a Found camera! She was the nanny for the woman who found it, so tonight I will pick it up. *Phew! My faith in humanity, and specifically Charlottans (I love saying that!) is restored.
Tragedy Averted.

A new beginning (of the end?)

The issue of when (and 'if' in tt's case) to have another baby has been a haunting one since Bella's birth. You have to remember I was living in Provo, where some women my age were already on number 4 or more. There was a girl in my ward who's baby girl was born the same week as Bella, and when they were 6 months old, she was 3 months pregnant and ecstatic about it. (Really truly ecstatic, not just a coping mechanism for her inevitable fate of having 2 girls that are 1 year and 1 day apart.) Maybe it's just me, but as Bella gets older and older (she's only 2 1/2) I imagine the eyes of large family-bearing church members upon me, silent inquiries left unsaid. I have gotten pregnant on birth control before, so there seems to be no sure safeguard. In fact, when the aforementioned girl in my ward was pregnant 3 months after giving birth I was rightfully horrified. (Not in a Victorian age mentality of propriety, but the threat to my already tremulous mental health.) The day after I was mocking/sympathizing for this girl, I took a pregnancy test on whim, as I often did just to make sure I had a handle on the situation. Imagine my surprise when it read:
Knowing that there are no such things as 'false positive' pregnancy tests, I figured it leaves little doubt, right? Not so. Turns out I was pregnant...then I wasn't. No miscarriage, no other signs of pregnancy...just this. My Ob/gyn confirmed that I had in fact been pregnant when I took this test, but that it 'went away'. Yes, that was his medical explanation for the pregnancy that was not to be. It made me wonder how many other times I have been pregnant and not known about it. In that bizarre dichotomy of women's emotions, I was slightly disappointed for the loss of a pregnancy I was so troubled by.
We've had no other incidences. That I know of.

So I've been going along, mostly-happily enjoying my single-child status without the pressure to conceive in the immediate future. I would go through very brief and delusional periods of 'baby hunger' (which sounds pretty creepy-) and then just as quickly reverse my thinking completely. I was happy to space my children out as far as necessary to ensure the best mental state possible. Until very recently.
In the last few months I have been thinking increasingly about getting pregnant. It began around the time of our move, and has progressed rapidly in the last month or two. However, it is not met with excitement or 'baby hunger', but an increased sense of duty. I can only describe it as though I am being prompted that now is the time to prepare to have another baby. As these promptings increased in frequency and intensity I began to explore the option of insurance, since I have none. It was looking grim since between private plans and tt's coverage we were looking at at least $500 a month. Just for coverage. Then there's the percentage of all the bills that we would pay, the separate dr's bills, the hospital stay, the anesthesiologist, etc etc etc. We have no room in our budget for much of anything, let alone $500+ in insurance costs. Then there's the waiting lists of up to a year on the private maternity coverage. We brainstormed anything we could think of- a personal loan, charging it all on a new credit card... nothing seemed legitimate, but it seemed ridiculous to stop growing our family simply b/c we couldn't afford the insurance. We are over-qualified for Medicare, but unable to afford health care. (An oft-told story, I assume.) I was at a stand-still, prepared to keep waiting it out and look for a reasonable option.
Then a couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with Michelle about this very subject. I was lamenting that I didn't know when I would ever feel 'ready' to have another child and give up the freedom, alone time, and independence that I have grown more and more accustomed to as Bella has gotten older. My stress threshold is very low, and it seems I am always waiting for something, usually many things. I don't want to have another child until I feel I have it more together, that I have more of a handle on my depression and can manage it well. I want to lose a significant amount of weight that I have gained so I don't compound the problem. Timm wants to wait until we have more money, etc. etc. etc. The problem is, I will wait out my entire childbearing years waiting for the right time to have another child. (Perhaps that is my intention after all-)
Michelle offered some advice that struck me. She told me that it's not going to get any easier to give up my treasured freedom as time goes by. I will become more and more accustomed to it, and as Bella gets older and older it will be that much harder to let it go. I could see the wisdom in her words. I was reluctant to admit it, but it made perfect sense. That cemented it for me. Then as I continued my search for reasonable health care, I discovered a miracle. I think it was only within a day or so of talking to Michelle. I met with an insurance rep. who referred me to an advocacy group. They called me within 20 minutes. It turns out that they are a Maternity Advocacy Group, and through various means are able to get costs drastically reduced. It is not insurance, it is just.. 'aid' I guess? All of the bills go directly to them, and for everything- 12 months of care that includes maternity visits, ultrasounds, tests, lab fees, medication, hospital stay, C-section, anesthesia, post-pardum care: $699 flat fee, or pay a monthly charge for a year totalling $1,288.
That's insane!!! I couldn't believe my ears. I still am incredulous, but I looked at their website, and it all seems legit. Plus, a Blue Cross agent referred me to them instead of trying to sell me his own policy. I can't believe it. It is all coming together, and I am feeling ready to heed these promptings. Not ready to be pregnant or have another child, min you- but at least to proceed with faith. It will take a lot of faith because sometimes I wonder at my capability of having more children, as far as they are concerned. I know that this is not coming from me because I have a complete 180, almost overnight. I don't know how I will manage, if I will be 'ready', if I will be monstrously fat in the end (pray for me-) or if my children will suffer long-term emotional trauma because of this. I only know that it is time, and I am being asked to sacrifice something for a purpose and blessings beyond my comprehension right now.
Timm is more reluctant than I, if possible, but sees that this is not coming from me. I think that in January we will proceed. (That sounds awfully technical.) He is promised a small bonus in January that should almost cover the $699 payment. Well, here's to a faith-promoting experience. That, or the beginning on my impending doom in the form of institutionalization.
(How's that for over 4 syllables, Hannah?)

The Story of Us. (Mostly Hannah.)

{ I love this picture of Hannah at our Going Away party in July.}

{Hannah framing me at the First Blog Party}
My friendship with Hannah is a constant reminder that things, and people, may not be what they seem. That allies and friends lay where you sometimes least expect. When I first met Hannah, I disliked her immediately. This was not her fault; she happened to be a victim of circumstance as far as my aversion to her was concerned. One month after Lola died, I returned to work, taking a new job where I essentially replaced Hannah as she left to have Mya. Mya's birth was all the buzz a week after I started work, when no one but my boss knew that I had just buried my baby. I couldn't stand the sight of babies, pregnant women, or new mothers, and here just a month after Lola's death, Hannah came traipsing into work with her baby girl-the object of adoration and conversation all over the office. The one I was supposed to have had. Needless to say, I was resentful. She had just found out about my misfortune and obviously felt uncomfortable and avoided me, which I was grateful for. Still, I took her to be standoffish and brusque. A friendship with her was the last thing on my mind.

{Mya and Bella sharing Good Times. Once Mya stopped being afraid of Bella.}

As time passed and began to heal my wounds, I found myself pregnant with Bella and trying to remain sane. When I was preparing for my leave to have Bella, I started talking to Hannah more and more as she was providing me with some work at home. I found that I didn't really detest her. When I had a baby shower for a co-worker's wife I felt it prudent to invite Hannah. She brought me the cutest blanket she had made for Bella, and I was touched. Not too long after that, I decided to start my own bookclub and hand-picked it's members. (Bridget, Rachelle, Diana, Robin, me, and...) I felt prompted to invite Hannah. I still didn't know her that well, and didn't even know if she liked to read, but after asking Robin's advice (who also worked with us) I decided to extend the invitation. She readily accepted, and we soon held our first meeting. Shortly after, I found myself having more and more lengthy conversations by phone at night when our husbands were otherwise indisposed. I remember talking to her for 2 or 3 hours with ease, when neither one of us are typical phone-talkers.

{Founding Members of our Bookclub}

{Me on vacation when Hannah called to tell me about a job listing she had found for me. She automatically picked up my search while I was out of town.}
{The surprise 2nd Birthday Party for Bella that Hannah organized}

{Last, or shall I say Most Recent photo I have of the 2 of Us.}

Our friendship has been so strengthening, I believe, because of our differences. We offer the other something we don't have ourselves. For instance, I am the consummate home-body, where Hannah is self-described as 'get up and go.' If we were both like me, we would never see each other! She helps me get out of my comfort zone and shows me that sometimes we have to do things even though we'd rather not. Another major difference is that I am (overly) emotional, ruled by my feelings and have the tendency to treat my feelings as absolute truth without challenging self-defeating ideas. My dialogue is filled with 'I feel...' statements, where Hannah is logical, practical, and disciplined. At first it was so different to me that she wasn't emotional, or even occasionally moody. Like many of the important people in my life, she is even-keel and mature. I still struggle to grapple with my depression, sometimes only riding the waves. Despite these differences, Hannah still listens with a sympathetic ear, willing to try my point of view.

{Hannah and Jill helping out at Lola's Legacy- I still remember Hannah's outstanding and disturbing speed...}
{ I love that the 4 of us are such good friends.}
{And the two of us.}

Hannah is dependable, trustworthy, and steady. She is also irritatingly good at the big things in life- she is innately a great mother and wife. She has so many qualities worth emulating in these most important of positions in life. Her dedication to Lincoln and her girls, as well as her family as a whole is inspiring and rarely found today. She takes these roles seriously and puts her family before her own needs.

{Hannah in her Mothering Element}
{Our lost scrap sessions, at my house and Michelle's}

Hannah is strong in spirit- she weathers the storms of life with courage and resolution. She is a fighter, not easily daunted, and never defeated. Hannah is always supportive, and is one of the first to help whenever something is needed. She offers herself without waiting to be asked. Hannah and I can also have a discussion where we vary widely in our opinion of belief in something, yet we remain close and do not allow any distance to come between us because of those differences.

{When Hannah organized a Going-Away Surprise Party for us. I was not surprised- It was totally something Hannah -and the rest of my friends and family-would do.}
{Hannah helping me pack the kitchen}

I could go on and on about Hannah's admirable qualities and what makes her such an amazing friend, but it might get kind of long for the other readers. Any one of these traits would make her an outstanding woman and friend, but she possesses them all in spades. She is truly a blessing to my life and I treasure our friendship together and the lessons she has taught me.

Happy Birthday Hannah!!

Food Storage

Contemplative Non-Photo Post

Once again, I haven't been blogging. Which also happens to mean that I am a lurker at best, not caught up with everyone's tales and not offering my own treasured opinion on their lives.
This time it is not due to a life-crisis of sorts, or a spiraling depression...No, it's more of the same dilemma where I have nothing to report, and everything to say. The problem is, the things I have to say are the ponderings of my life and existence and require more discipline to commit to 'paper' than I care to exercise. So those things will still have to wait until I am ready for self-exploration and using my quiet time hours for something other than reading. Incidentally, I can report that in the absence of friends, my reading has increased exponentially. I am on my 18th book since we moved 3 months ago. 'Eeeeexcellent.'
Since my last desperate post where I was lamenting my very self, purposes, and self-discipline, I have been striving to make small improvements. Making small, incremental changes is a big deal for me. Owing to my bi-polar nature, I am usually either exceptionally organized and together with my life, or in a state of peril, as evidenced before. I don't know how to just do a little bit. I do it, or I don't. And I haven't been, on all accounts.
So I thought I would start by trying to improve one habit each week. The first was Family Prayer. We always have prayers with Bella before going to bed, but never regularly as a family. That was a good basis to start from, and conveniently relied on more effort than just my own. Then I added making dinner. My goal was to cook 4times a week, giving us enough food all week including leftovers for tt's lunch. That also includes the discipline of making a menu plan, a corresponding grocery list, then committing to make said menus before the ingredients go bad. I haven't been perfect in the last month, but getting close. A huge improvement, on all accounts.
Maybe it was easier to start these habits because the first 2 I chose mostly for my family. I wanted to strengthen my family through prayer, and felt it my duty to provide good nutritious meals for my family even though I am content to subsist on cold cereal. Perhaps it is easier to begin my focusing my efforts on others.
Next came... something that eludes me at the moment!!!- and then sadly, getting ready everyday. I say sadly because this is one of those tasks that is so automatic for 'normal' people that I am embarrassed to have to commit a thorough effort to it. This said, I viewed this task as a formidable one. However, I was surprised at how easy it came it comparison to my expectations. Today will be the 11th day, although I am admittedly toying with staying home and getting some work done, un-ready. I will fight the urge so that I can maintain my perfect record. This week I vowed to eat a healthy breakfast each day and keep my water stein handy so that I would drink regularly. The way I start my day is critical to the way I carry it out, so beginning with a healthy breakfast was the obvious way to start to chip away at the poor eating habits. Next in the cue includes making and eating a real lunch with Bella every day, cleaning the litter box everyday, limiting the junk I eat and so forth. As you can see, consistency is key for me. Key for me to feel successful, and thus maintain that success.
Like Hannah said, these things could be so simple as to inhibit my documenting them out of embarrassment of my meager accomplishments. Also like Hannah, I am choosing to ignore that nagging voice that tells me I am pathetic. Okay, Hannah didn't say exactly that, but that's my version. I have a long way to go at this rate, but building line upon line and habit upon habit will lead to great things as long as I maintain my vision, and commit each habit to just that, habit.
In short, I am trying to unearth the person I once was. The person I felt I was as recently as a few months ago. There seems to have been a progressive burial of that self, and it will take similar effort to extricate that person. It seems the only option when I consider the other- continuing to sink so deeply that by degrees I forget the person I want to be, the memory of the person I once was.
So that's my little old attempt at joining the 'normal, functioning' world.
(Although those are words I use to negate my efforts and diminish myself so I should stop saying them. It is always me versus 'normal people', inherently suggesting that I am ab-normal, an exception in my failures. Another habit to work on, perhaps?)
As an aside, which should have been more than such, I owe so much to my wonderful supportive husband, who always makes me feel 'normal', even amazing at times. He always stands behind me and never doubts that I can do something even when I am an unbeliever. He is a steady rock for me, and I would like to accept this award.....