Thursday, November 08, 2007

Contemplative Non-Photo Post

Once again, I haven't been blogging. Which also happens to mean that I am a lurker at best, not caught up with everyone's tales and not offering my own treasured opinion on their lives.
This time it is not due to a life-crisis of sorts, or a spiraling depression...No, it's more of the same dilemma where I have nothing to report, and everything to say. The problem is, the things I have to say are the ponderings of my life and existence and require more discipline to commit to 'paper' than I care to exercise. So those things will still have to wait until I am ready for self-exploration and using my quiet time hours for something other than reading. Incidentally, I can report that in the absence of friends, my reading has increased exponentially. I am on my 18th book since we moved 3 months ago. 'Eeeeexcellent.'
Since my last desperate post where I was lamenting my very self, purposes, and self-discipline, I have been striving to make small improvements. Making small, incremental changes is a big deal for me. Owing to my bi-polar nature, I am usually either exceptionally organized and together with my life, or in a state of peril, as evidenced before. I don't know how to just do a little bit. I do it, or I don't. And I haven't been, on all accounts.
So I thought I would start by trying to improve one habit each week. The first was Family Prayer. We always have prayers with Bella before going to bed, but never regularly as a family. That was a good basis to start from, and conveniently relied on more effort than just my own. Then I added making dinner. My goal was to cook 4times a week, giving us enough food all week including leftovers for tt's lunch. That also includes the discipline of making a menu plan, a corresponding grocery list, then committing to make said menus before the ingredients go bad. I haven't been perfect in the last month, but getting close. A huge improvement, on all accounts.
Maybe it was easier to start these habits because the first 2 I chose mostly for my family. I wanted to strengthen my family through prayer, and felt it my duty to provide good nutritious meals for my family even though I am content to subsist on cold cereal. Perhaps it is easier to begin my focusing my efforts on others.
Next came... something that eludes me at the moment!!!- and then sadly, getting ready everyday. I say sadly because this is one of those tasks that is so automatic for 'normal' people that I am embarrassed to have to commit a thorough effort to it. This said, I viewed this task as a formidable one. However, I was surprised at how easy it came it comparison to my expectations. Today will be the 11th day, although I am admittedly toying with staying home and getting some work done, un-ready. I will fight the urge so that I can maintain my perfect record. This week I vowed to eat a healthy breakfast each day and keep my water stein handy so that I would drink regularly. The way I start my day is critical to the way I carry it out, so beginning with a healthy breakfast was the obvious way to start to chip away at the poor eating habits. Next in the cue includes making and eating a real lunch with Bella every day, cleaning the litter box everyday, limiting the junk I eat and so forth. As you can see, consistency is key for me. Key for me to feel successful, and thus maintain that success.
Like Hannah said, these things could be so simple as to inhibit my documenting them out of embarrassment of my meager accomplishments. Also like Hannah, I am choosing to ignore that nagging voice that tells me I am pathetic. Okay, Hannah didn't say exactly that, but that's my version. I have a long way to go at this rate, but building line upon line and habit upon habit will lead to great things as long as I maintain my vision, and commit each habit to just that, habit.
In short, I am trying to unearth the person I once was. The person I felt I was as recently as a few months ago. There seems to have been a progressive burial of that self, and it will take similar effort to extricate that person. It seems the only option when I consider the other- continuing to sink so deeply that by degrees I forget the person I want to be, the memory of the person I once was.
So that's my little old attempt at joining the 'normal, functioning' world.
(Although those are words I use to negate my efforts and diminish myself so I should stop saying them. It is always me versus 'normal people', inherently suggesting that I am ab-normal, an exception in my failures. Another habit to work on, perhaps?)
As an aside, which should have been more than such, I owe so much to my wonderful supportive husband, who always makes me feel 'normal', even amazing at times. He always stands behind me and never doubts that I can do something even when I am an unbeliever. He is a steady rock for me, and I would like to accept this award.....


dpw said...

When I start to feel my life spiral out of control it's those basic, simple things that bring me back: a dinner plan, a grocery list, a clean bathroom, prayer. You sound pretty "normal" to me!

Oh--and good luck drinking your stein-full of poisonous water.

Anonymous said...

Good job my friend- so very proud of you! The little building blocks are coming together to unearth the you that you want to be. Forward momentum is a great thing and it sounds like you are in a great gradual line moving up- no spikes!

And your commentary on comparing yourself to the "normal"...all I can say is that I try to compare myself to myself and it helps drastically. You are doing a 180- who cares what everyone else is up to when you are working so hard on yourself?

Karli said...

I so love reading your writing...really, would love for you to write a book just for me. (:

You sound like you are attacking your goals in all the right ways and places. I'm so proud of you for getting up and getting ready, making family things such a priority, and doing the little things that make our days go easier. I too have to make sure to start with a good breakfast, or my eating is gone for the whole day! Shouldn't be that way, but it is...

Great job Jessie!

michelle said...

I constantly have to remind myself that by small and simple things great things are brought to pass. It is so true! When I went visiting teaching last month, my first impulse was to be completely overwhelmed by the title, it eludes me now, but it was something about preparing for the second coming of Christ! Sheesh! But when I read the message, it was really about doing the small and simple things that will strengthen our families and bring us peace and happiness. Well maybe I can do that! We have started having family prayer before Eva goes to bed, too.

I love what Hannah said about comparing you only to yourself.

Jill said...

It sounds like you're doing great, taking baby steps and sticking to your goals. That's hard for everybody. I think most people recommit themselves all the time to do the things they know will make them feel better and be happier. I think it's a life-long struggle so every positive step is a victory!

I don't know any "normal" people.

Diana said...

Jessie I agree with Michelle I think it is by small and simple things great things come to pass. I love your goals, I think they are great. I love your normal people comments because really who is normal?

Charlotte said...

I'm glad you're able to bring some order back into your life and I agree that it's those small things that really make a difference when you're trying to regain some sanity and order. You can do it!! And I think we're all in the same degree of "normal" anyway :)

RoRo said...

I know we are dealing with different things but with similar effects! I too actually just thought about making small habits and one of them was to get dressed everyday! Since I don't go out or do anything or may not even feel good that day I tend to stay in my 'jammies' all the time and I think it would help me feel better if I got dressed! Also a few other ones hit chords with me but I don't want to make this too long.

Also yes I have the best supportive husband who makes me feel like I am still 'normal' and a good wife although I know I'm not! He never makes me feel bad that I can't do anything, isn't a loving supportive husband wonderful!

Thanks again for your post, How is Moses?

RoRo said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed! I meant Moose or Moosey girl!! too much typing!

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