Monday, December 03, 2007

My Memories are Against Me.

(This was taken when I was trying to document my accidental self-eyebrow bleaching incident.)
My next post that I am contemplating is named after a Britney Spears hit- Good mail to whoever guess the correct song. Until then- that is, until I can sit down and force myself to commit to paper and public document my inner struggles, writhings, and failures...I have a question to pose. I have several recurring dreams/themes of dreams that I can't stand any more! What do they mean??? Some of these have been haunting me for YEARS, so I really think they are supposed to be telling me that I am apparently deaf to. Maybe some of you have better listening skills and/or training in psychology or dream interpretation. Here goes:
Most of you know that I dropped out of high school when I was 15 in order to attend Community College instead, then on to BYU by the time I would have graduated. I have never looked back on this decision- I think I have fared well from it and it seems to have been the right, albeit unorthodox, move for me. However- the universe may not think so. It appears that the universe is using this experience to try and tell me something. I have constant recurring dreams where I am back in high school, and I hate it. (No surprise there-) I am going about, but inevitably I can't find my classes, I am behind on all my work, I get lost in the building... many obstacles. I am feeling overwhelmed, when at some point I realize that I don't have to go to high school! I am finished with this phase of my life! I got a g.e.d. and went on to college and was thankful for it! See ya sucka's... I'm going to work like a normal 20-something!
What's up with that? It is so common for me to have recurring 'episodes' of this dream that they are commonplace. Do I feel unfinished? Am I seeking some kind of closure? Because the only sort of closure I ever thought worth receiving from high school was seeing my former classmates in the dreary, unsuccessful lives I pictured them existing. It's not that I wish this fate upon them, it is merely what I imagine to be probable for most of them. That, or they cease to exist entirely once my thoughts have moved on from them. What does it mean??
Then, on a related note- I have been having dreams about my first real boyfriend, Vince. (I'm only so happy that so few of you actually knew Vince so the mocking can be minimal.) We dated from the time I was 13-15, and let me tell you. A two-year relationship while in middle/high school is practically marriage. He was my first love and I was truly heartbroken when he cheated on me, sleeping with a ho-bag friend of mine since I wouldn't do the deed. (This is a lot of information, I now realize.) I am not calling her a 'ho-bag' out of spite, I'm merely telling it like it is. What else do you call a 15-year old girl who sleeps with one of her best friend's boyfriends of 2 years- over a period of time? I still remember the humiliation I felt since several people knew about the treason even before I did. Isn't that always the way? (For those of you who also had your teenage boyfriend of 2 years sleep with your best friend...) Nevertheless- this was an important and defining relationship in my formative adolescent years. I was heartbroken, but obviously I got over it. I didn't see him or think about him for years. I still haven't seen him in years, but now more than 10 years later I have frequent recurring dreams about him! There is no love lost, I am not pining for my short,high school wrestler pot head of a boyfriend- yet there is his, sneaking through my dreams so constantly like this! Sometimes they are romantic, sometimes it's just him, sometimes he and timm are in the dream (tho not like that). These dreams have been coming and going for years!! Years people! In the dreams I always feel fond of him, so this has left me wondering if I am supposed to find him, get a hold of him, check on him- what? True, I imagine his life to have turned out fairly hapless and sad to this point (especially when held up to my shining, radiant example of how to live a productive and enviable life-) But what would my contacting him accomplish? Nevertheless, it has driven me to google him many times, try the online white pages, peruse, ask my brother to poke around in Philly- what does this one mean?!
And finally, the one that most appeals to my vanity. The frequent scenarios in which my teeth fall out. Sometimes I bite into some food, say an apple, and they just come right off. Other times, like last night, I find that several of my teeth are loose. Tired of them rattling around in their loose sockets, I decide to yank them, which is surprisingly easy. Only too late I realize that I pulled one of my front teeth, so now I am looking decidedly on the low end of my socio-economic status. I am mortified to be missing a front tooth, and Timm good-naturedly makes fun of me for it. Why are my teeth falling out?
What is happening to me? Is this the beginning of the Apocalypse? When I vye (sp?)for boyfriend of 11 years ago, long for my high-school social status and fear the decline of my looks (which has happened speedily over the last 5 months, BTW.) Tell me- what oracles, sings, revelations, messages, curses am I missing??
I forgot one more! Frequent versions including my best friends from 6th grade- my peak, my best year of school, before we moved and I transferred schools which was the beginning of my decline in many ways.


Robin said...

1st of all - great picture.

2nd of all - I HATE the tooth fears. We have discussed this before, but I (more frequently than I care to share) delude myself into thinking that I have a loose tooth, or that something is wrong with them. It's basically a constant paranoia. And this is NOT while in a sleeping state.

In terms of the recurring dream thing...I may have to consult some of my ol' psychology books on that one. Unfortunately, I really didn't get into that aspect of psych much in my studies (plus, with an abysmal memory like mine, I mean..graduation was a 1 1/2 ago. My mind is like a void now. I need to get cracking on studying again if I want to go to grad school). So yeeesh...I will look into it for you. I may not have "interpretations" per se - but maybe some reasoning behind the recurringness and such. Sorry this comment is basically worthless on that front.

Anonymous said...

Laughing...this is great! My non-expert, just for fun theories:

High school and an old boyfriend and your first best friend from 6th grade make me think of friendship and how you are still looking for it there. You had a great set up here and have moved on- much like people do in highschool when they graduate. Maybe the boyfriend that cheated on you reflects how we are all here still doing our thing- moving on you could say.

I wonder if the teeth falling out is about going to the dentist? Or like you said, your physical appearance going astray the last 5 months and this dream is a fear that everyone there will start to notice because you don't look the way you did when you moved there?

jt said...

Hannah- I appreciate you taking a stab at those theories, but they're impossible as these dreams have been going on FAR before I moved! Years for some of them!!

Diana said...

ah, dreams I have some crazy dreams also. I have had dreams about my teeth falling out and I have had dreams about high school and not knowing where my classes are and being behind (which is weird because I had a 3.8GPA and loved school) and I have had the high school boyfriend dream
I think I have those dreams because naturally I am an anxious person and my anxiety is being released through dreams.
Maybe you too are releasing some kind of emotions. my psychology degree from BYU won't help to interpret dreams and well i did graduate 6 years ago. Yikes.
We'll have to talk about this on the phone. so many similar dreams :)

Jinii said...

Wow I have done the eye brow bleaching thing! I think the song you are thinking of is "oops i did it again". I have heard before that dreams about losing your teeth have something to do with loss in your life.

michelle said...

Hmmm... I have the high school dreams, too, and have had them -- well, probably since I was in high school! I can't get my locker open, or I show up with no pants, or it's the end of the term and I realize I have to take a final exam in a class I never attended! Crazy. And I did graduate, so I'm inclined to think that your dropping out is unrelated.

Like Robin, I occasionally feel like I have a loose tooth -- when I'm awake! Also crazy.

Britney: I'm guessing either Oops I Did It Again or Hit Me Baby One More Time?

Karli said...

I'm guessing Britney's Song, "(you drive me)Crazy" or "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman..." (:

Sorry about your recurring dreams! I have the ones about the high school bf and crushes and the vanity dreams happen often. (: Never a tooth one though. I have dreams that z's ex girlfriend wants to marry him. (i'm sure that is some deep insecurity or something!)

not much help..z's degree is psychology, so maybe i'll ask him. he'd probably just laugh like he does when i tell him mine though. for the record, i don't think you're crazy at all. (:


charlotte said...

I'm going to vote for Oops I Did It Again (ah I'm remembering your pretty much amazing Britney Spears impression while singing that particular song . . . yeah Oops I Did It Again).

I hate recurring dreams especially when they involve people from your past and especially vanity ones. I don't think I can be much help on that front as my recurring dream involves a T-Rex chasing me down the light bulb aisle of Wal Mart . . . yeah figure that one out.

dpw said...

My vote is with "Oops, I Did it Again," but probably because I love remembering your awesome rendition complete with choreography. (I saved that phone message you left me for a LONG time and was so mad when it accidentally got erased.)

I have the high school/college dream frequently where all of the sudden it's the end of the term and I don't even know what my schedule is. Ask Patricia. She's the dream expert in the family.

I don't think I'll ever understand Charlotte's dream of the T-Rex in Walmart's light bulb aisle.

Amy E said...

I hope you don't mind me commenting, as I'm not one of your close-knit group and all(but I love your writing), but how funny that you posted this and I read it this morning because I just had the first love dreams last night! I've been wondering why all morning, because I often have dreams about this guy in hs that I consider my first love. Why? This one was involving him telling me he's always loved me, etc, all while Stephen was in the next room. Ack! Too weird. Why does our brain do this to us?
I've had the tooth thing a lot too, then I wake up feeling around to make sure they're all still there. :)

Jill said...

These dreams are pretty amusing from where I sit, but I can totally understand being plagued by them and wondering what they're all about. Regrettably I don't have any good theories for you.

Jill said...

My guess for the Britney Spears post is "Hit me Baby one more time"

ashley said...

Denise is right, my mom is the expert dream analysis person! She is actually really good at it... and here is my quick interpretation (I, along with everyone else in the world, have a psychology degree with not much use). The school dream is a classic anxiety dream. That seems so general, but, well, it is. Almost everyone has them, particularly if you happen to be hard on yourself or a perfectionist (both of which I am!). As for the boyfriend dream (btw, the exact same scenario happened to me with my first boyfriend and best friend. what up with that?) you should start by thinking about what those people represent to you. All dreams are just a reflection of your internal thoughts and usually something you think about yourself. Just a starter! Love you.

Beatrix Kiddo said...

Hmmm...not going to try to analyze...but VINCE!!!!! I too, have tried finding him. He doesn't haunt my dreams, but sometimes he haunts my memories. Weird. I thought if I ever told you that you'd just laugh, but seriously...I've tried googling, facebooking, myspacing, whitepaging, but to no avail.

KLR said...

I don't have much to say except, its funny the images that come to my mind when I hear the name "Vince" It's totally sounds like the name of a guy that would sleep with your best friend! Too funny.(Well, not funny that he slept with your friend and you were heart broken, but funny hearing you re-tell it complete with the word "ho-bag") Its been awhile since I heard that one...

Claudissima said...

wow jessie i just think is that your mind is very very active, maybe more so than your phsyical self, and maybe your mental state/dreams are just ways of pushing your outer self to catch up. I don't really know, I will think about it, and if something comes I will gladly report.

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