Friday, December 07, 2007

Oops! I Did it Again...


{appropriately, the winners are: jinii, shell, charlotte, and denise. Congratulations, and watch your mailbox. jinii and charlotte, I need your address. Email me!}

Oops! I Did it Again...I've gained back all the weight I have managed to lose, and then some. How many times is this going to happen?! Yikes- I hate to recount where this one lines up on the list. Unfortunately weight is an emotionally charged issue with me, for many reasons. It is one of the fastest ways to discern my present mental state, based on how much weight I have lost, or more likely, gained. In the past, I have proved myself capable of losing weight and getting relatively in shape. One of the cruel ironies of my life is that I am rarely satisfied with my present state, yet invariably several months later I long for what used to be, then completely disgusted with what has become my present reality. Thus, I sit from that vantage point right now.
Why is is so easy to do? I'm not doing myself any favors- I am now at the heaviest I've ever been, and at a very inopportune time. I have been in NC for just over 4 months, and I've yet to make any real friends. I suspect my weight is the real reason- not that I am being insensitively judged by my appearance, but that I use it as a shield, and unfortunately also a prison. Generally, I am not shy. I am not afraid to approach people, put myself out there, be myself. Unless that self happens to be, fat. Then I retreat even more into my safe haven- my own little world in my house, in my mind. I honestly wish I could make a sign that would read:
Just to let everyone know that I am aware of the problem and it is not representative of me. Maybe I should add that 'I haven't always looked like this. I can be really hot.' and then tape one of my best thin self-portraits onto it. The fact is, I don't feel good enough to put myself out there. I don't want to introduce myself to people as... 'this.' I feel like I want to wait, hold myself back until I am ready to be 'presentable'. I think I honestly feel like I am not good enough to put myself out there, or maybe I am afraid that others will judge me the same way. Being insecure makes me retreat and hide myself, and I hate doing that. These insecurities also bleed into every other area of my life. It's like I view the ability to be thin/stay thin as nothing short of a virtue;, so when I am without that I am inherently 'bad.' Who would want to be friends with, or love a 'bad' person? The other irony is that I don't judge others this way, just myself. Only I need to be held to this cruel yard stick while my forgiveness and ambivalence descends upon everyone else I meet. Being 'bad' makes me feel inadequate in every area of my life... it settles on everything, blanketing me in a general state of unworthiness and failure. I've been dreading any social engagement that I 'have' to attend with tt because I am so humiliated with this person, this facade I have to present.
So why not change? I've done it before- I used to commonly be referred to as the 'Diet Nazi.' Why is it so hard for me to effect change in my life? To change who I am? To get and sustain the imputes to change? Regardless- it is hard, and I am struggling. I only know I desperately want to return to who I was, who I know I can be.

9 comments:

Hannah said...

Your sign is cracking me up- it has me thinking of random disclaimers I wouldn't mind using.

You are fantastically beautiful inside and out- and anyone that meets you and really gets to know YOU would soon find that out. With all that you have to offer in friendship, advice, skills, faith, creativity, it is a shame to not put yourself out there. Just think of how you have changed my life- and I am just ONE person! Your looks had nothing to do with it.

I totally get the "this is not the me I want others to see", but the fact is, you can learn and grow (smaller) from the life lessons that are at your fingertips. We all can. And it's not just taking that first step, for me the first step is easy, it is to keep going and adapting along the way. I KNOW you can do it- you have been there before and if I recall, it was worth it!

charlotte said...

First of all, as an editing minor I most appreciate your correct use of "effect" as a verb. Now, what I want to say is that we all know you have a remarkable ability to instigate change in your life. I've seen it happen in so many different ways and it truly is one of your talents. Something to help you out is just to remember that sometimes you just have to take change one day at a time. There are things in my life that I just have to tackle a day at a time and that's okay. You want to change and that's the first part of anything. The most important thing for all of us to remember however, is that our outward looks--whether we like them or not--are not nearly as important as what we do and the other choices we make. Like Hannah said, you are such an amazing person and you are so important to me as a cousin and friend and how you look has nothing to do with any of that. You've changed your life before and I know you can do it again! Love you!

michelle said...

I love this post -- mostly because I can relate to it SO much!! I am dying over your sign. Can you make one for me too???

Jill said...

I think most of us would like to wear a sign just like yours (which is hilarious by the way), but it turns out that this is real life and that there is no ideal time or self.

You have a strong spirit and personality and are falling victim to some serious interference by you know who. It happens to all of us, but I really believe that with your great badgering skills (which can be used for good) and infectious nature, that Satan is winning a serious victory if he puts you out of commission.

dpw said...

I think we'd all like to have some sort of disclaimer sign to stick on our backs at times. When Mark first graduated from BYU and he took his first job back East, I left a satisfying career behind where I was well-known and liked and had many fun friends. I remember feeling like I wanted to stand in the middle of the Frozen Foods aisle in the grocery store--Charlotte in the cart--and yell at the top of my lungs, "I REALLY AM FUN AND CUTE!! YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET!"

Now I think my sign would read, "I'm really not as stupid and trashy-looking as my 13-year-old hot-rod Ford Explorer (with a transmission that's on it's way out) would have me appear. I really do know something of refinement and grace, even though my kitchen floor has holes in it and my powder room has a Texaco bathroom light fixture."

Claudissima said...

amen jessie...amen

Claudissima said...

you see I had to resort to an old photo to think I can do it again! ...i FINALLY got my hair highlighted after 4 months of shocking shock....why?

Claudissima said...

well the photo is not that old, it is definately pre children and he is four so it is four 3/4 years old...wow where does time go...you look cute in that photo. i think it all has to do with our gray matter...and sadly that translates into gray areas that should stay but move quickly so our REAL US can take over and stay a long stay

Chelsea said...

Hi, you don't know me... Sorry for looking at your blog, if that bothers you. I found it through Todd's link to your husband's blog. Your husband's link to yours says "My sexy talented wife" and then when I saw this picture, I thought, "Wow, she is really pretty." Not even joking. Then I read your post and it was something I wouldn't have expected for looking at the picture. Anyway, just thought I'd add my two cents and try to give you the perspective of someone who doesn't know you (like the people in NC). :) :)

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