Anxiety

{Disclaimer: Lately I am trying to focus more on my blog being like a journal, to record for my own sake and to have a reference to come back to- Thus, these types of entries are probably only for my benefit and no offense is taken if they are not read by anyone but me. I'm just sayin'.}

Today I realized that I can tell a definite difference in my attitude and my stress levels since changing my medications... Just over a year ago I was on somewhere between 4-6 medications, working with my doctor to find the right combination that would suit me. When we moved, I whittled myself down to two antidepressants which has been pretty standard issue for me for several years now. When I got pregnant I stopped taking one of them because I felt it was unnecessary for the time being and the less medication the better, at least for my present 'condition.' So- in case you're not following all the changes- that leaves me on one medicine (Wellbutrin), which has been the only constant in the 8ish years I've been treating my depression.
Today I was making bread and I was fighting cursing the whole time. I have issues with this recipe, but that's another post for another time. I was getting so worked up, it would have been funny if I weren't so pissed off, trying to scrape too-sticky dough from my fingers and multiple surfaces of my kitchen. My problem is when I am stressed out about something, it immediately snowballs. My mind starts reeling, grabbing onto any other stress, obligation, worry, frustration possible- no matter if it is relevant (which is usually isn't) or important, or impending. For instance, I'm mad because my bread isn't turning out and I have dough all over my hands and I have to clean my mixer with a toothpick- then suddenly I have a whirl of thoughts that combine to create some sort of the following medley: "And Joy School is starting, and I still have to make the house for that, and how am I going to do that with a new baby? And the cats need their stupid baths, that window has smudges all over it,I have to organize the top of Bella's closet, the car is leaking some mysterious fluid, that conversation with a friend is still bothering me, I haven't finished picking up my studio, the yard looks a mess and I'm never going to get around to cleaning/landscaping/gardening it, and what if Bella doesn't take a nap again today?! I don't think I can handle that. What if someone needs something from me? Timm's leaving again soon and then I have to do this all on my own again. I'm so tired."
It doesn't always contain all of those thoughts, but it is always a rush of unrelated stresses and frustrations that seem insurmountable at the time, especially when looked at collectively. They range from the dumbest of things, to every insecurity I have (which is a lot right now-), to valid concerns, to things I have no control over, things that don't matter, and real problems. The result of this is that I always feel like I am performing at my limit. I don't always feel stressed or anxious- sometimes I feel at peace, like I have things under control and have eliminated what chaos I can in my life. Then most often, my immediate thought is :"But what if-? What if a friend needs me? What if (whatever) happens? What about when I have the baby?" Basically, even when I feel calm and under control, I wonder what change is going to come and upset my very delicately balanced perspective. What needs someone else will inevitably have that will force me to push myself even farther.
I'm either performing at full capacity, only feeling calm and capable until I imagine the next upset, fearing the next task or obligation that will break me- Or I feel like I'm already at my breaking point. I know this isn't normal, although it is more normal for me than for most others I realize...
I think part of the problem is I am taking a medication that helps extraordinarily with depression, but can tend to add to the problem of anxiety. I usually counter it with another medication to calm me down. I'm also facing a major change with our new baby due in less than 9 weeks, and I know only too well how I adapt (or don't) to change. I am also coming off of a vacation with Shell where I felt more support and friendship than my daily life is accustomed to, and am back to the mundane and everyday tasks of maintaining a household. Oh, and I'm pregnant and have even more hormones and emotions than my usual crazy self has. So, that's something.
I really want to learn to be more adaptable, easy-going, and at peace. It's hard to change something about you that seems so ingrained- a basic trait of my personality has always been intensity, which can have it's benefits, but more often than not seems to lead to stress and frustration.
*sigh. Talk to me another day when I've had a nap and some time to form a better perspective...