Pain Management

Fiona is here.

It takes a lot to bring these little persons into the world.

It's a good thing it's worth it.

Well, well worth it.

There will be many more updates to come, but tonight I will write only what I can manage for the time being. I will make a full accounting of the process and procedures leading up to and after her birth, but not tonight.
This birth, this C-section has been by far the hardest in just about every regard. I assumed it would be the easiest based on the fact that my second was easier than the first. I honestly don't remember very much about the physical aspect of my first C-Section, my memory being heavily weighted by the emotional trauma that overshadowed any other pain. With Bella, I remember going shopping and doing errands the day I left the hospital. I did my hair and makeup in the hospital, I was up and around. At home I was handicapped by the surgery- I moved more slowly, more gingerly and was limited in what I could do. I tried to take it easy, but every day tasks were by and large not impossible and I made progress every day. I could still change a diaper, get ready for the day and get up and around, even if I did need help getting dried off from the shower. In short, yes it was painful, yes it took time to recover, and it took some time before I was at my best. Or even on my way to my best.
In retrospect, I was way too cavalier about the whole process. I was a loud and enthusiastic advocate for C-sections, proclaiming their ease, practicality, and convenience. Not having any other experience to compare it to, 'sections' seemed the perfect way for me to birth a child. I had heard stories about the pains, hardships and complications of recovering from sections, I knew that many people feared them, but I was quite as ease with my surgical deliveries. I thought that either I had a much higher pain threshold than I would have thought and praised myself for my strength and fortitude, or more likely, that the Lord has blessed me with strength beyond my own to bear pains I would normally wither under.
This time is different. This time, it has occurred to me- 'Oh. So this is what they meant. This is what they meant.'
I regret the speed with which I was willing to discount the stories of women who had suffered more than I under the same conditions.
Details will follow, but for now it is suffice to say that I have changed my position on the procedure and that I have reformed from my casual and cavalier attitude about what is in fact, a serious, major, and potentially dangerous surgery.
Every day my vision is clouded by the pain I feel and my actions determined by the fastest way to alleviate whatever discomfort possible. In the worst pain I cannot see past it, tears streaming down my face, totally incapacitated. Last night as I prayed for comfort and deliverance I was reminded that i have in fact done this twice before. Even though this time presents considerable more challenges, I have already overcome them twice already- the pain, the emotional upheaval, the stress, the sleep deprivation, the doubts, the body-loathing...It was only a few short months before I looked and felt much better, had a handle on things. It will come again. The pain will decrease each day, and as it does I will be able to see more clearly and accomplish more.
Most of all, I remember that it is worth it and I am enormously grateful for the opportunity to be the vessel by which my beautiful daughters have been delivered.