Monday, September 15, 2008

Pain Management

Fiona is here.

It takes a lot to bring these little persons into the world.

It's a good thing it's worth it.

Well, well worth it.

There will be many more updates to come, but tonight I will write only what I can manage for the time being. I will make a full accounting of the process and procedures leading up to and after her birth, but not tonight.
This birth, this C-section has been by far the hardest in just about every regard. I assumed it would be the easiest based on the fact that my second was easier than the first. I honestly don't remember very much about the physical aspect of my first C-Section, my memory being heavily weighted by the emotional trauma that overshadowed any other pain. With Bella, I remember going shopping and doing errands the day I left the hospital. I did my hair and makeup in the hospital, I was up and around. At home I was handicapped by the surgery- I moved more slowly, more gingerly and was limited in what I could do. I tried to take it easy, but every day tasks were by and large not impossible and I made progress every day. I could still change a diaper, get ready for the day and get up and around, even if I did need help getting dried off from the shower. In short, yes it was painful, yes it took time to recover, and it took some time before I was at my best. Or even on my way to my best.
In retrospect, I was way too cavalier about the whole process. I was a loud and enthusiastic advocate for C-sections, proclaiming their ease, practicality, and convenience. Not having any other experience to compare it to, 'sections' seemed the perfect way for me to birth a child. I had heard stories about the pains, hardships and complications of recovering from sections, I knew that many people feared them, but I was quite as ease with my surgical deliveries. I thought that either I had a much higher pain threshold than I would have thought and praised myself for my strength and fortitude, or more likely, that the Lord has blessed me with strength beyond my own to bear pains I would normally wither under.
This time is different. This time, it has occurred to me- 'Oh. So this is what they meant. This is what they meant.'
I regret the speed with which I was willing to discount the stories of women who had suffered more than I under the same conditions.
Details will follow, but for now it is suffice to say that I have changed my position on the procedure and that I have reformed from my casual and cavalier attitude about what is in fact, a serious, major, and potentially dangerous surgery.
Every day my vision is clouded by the pain I feel and my actions determined by the fastest way to alleviate whatever discomfort possible. In the worst pain I cannot see past it, tears streaming down my face, totally incapacitated. Last night as I prayed for comfort and deliverance I was reminded that i have in fact done this twice before. Even though this time presents considerable more challenges, I have already overcome them twice already- the pain, the emotional upheaval, the stress, the sleep deprivation, the doubts, the body-loathing...It was only a few short months before I looked and felt much better, had a handle on things. It will come again. The pain will decrease each day, and as it does I will be able to see more clearly and accomplish more.
Most of all, I remember that it is worth it and I am enormously grateful for the opportunity to be the vessel by which my beautiful daughters have been delivered.

7 comments:

Hannah said...

I am so sorry, I was hoping/assuming you would have the same ease that you did with the other two. I remember you telling me that you were shopping the day you got out with Bella and I was stunned! You know mine were both rough- from the white out pain during the procedure to the hard recovery. It is a major surgery, add a toddler on top of that and a new little baby that needs and needs and the inability to even pull yourself out of bed some days from the pain...lacking in both mental and physical strength is one of the hardest things I have done.

I am just so sorry this is a struggle for you. But right you are- they are worth it. The blinding pain will fade and fade and in two weeks time you will feel more capable. This is the time to rely on others as much as you can and do as little as possible so as to get better and eventually/slowly resume your role. Love you.

rmt said...

I'm so sad for you! I wish it could be easier. I don't even really know what do say other than that. I will pray for you!

Diana said...

I am sorry Jessie. I have listened many times when you advocate women having c-sections. You were always so positive about it I just assumed this one was going to go as easily as the first 2 did for you. I am sorry it is different this time around.
I hope you the extreme pain leaves you soon. Know that many people including myself are praying for you too.
Love you and miss you.

Denise said...

So glad you're feeling like blogging! So sad, however, that you are in so much pain. It is difficult to see people you love suffer in pain, not knowing how to help. I will add my prayers to others', and remind you (as you have yourself--in your label line) that "It's just a phase. . . it will eventually pass." Here's hoping this phase is soon a distant memory!

Love you.

michelle said...

I'm really hoping that you can keep your pain under control now. It is so very awful when it gets away from you and it's hard to get back on top of it. And I'm glad that I'll be there to help you soon! Just don't plan on doing anything for a couple of weeks.

Your experience this time is more what I always expected c-sections to be like. I was so amazed at your rapid recoveries in the past.

Like you said, it won't be long until you're feeling better in so many ways. And I love what you said about being the vessel -- yes! What a miracle.

Jill said...

Oh my goodness, your words made me wince. I'm so sorry you're having so much pain this time around. I hope the doctor can help get things under control for you through medication. I'll add you to my prayers!

charlotte said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time this time around. That's good that Michelle is coming out soon. I wish I could help you out--I hope the pain passes quickly. Love you :)

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