Friday, October 31, 2008

TMI- Especially for Men

So my Maternity Medicaid is only good through today. Then I revert back to one of America's hundreds of thousands of uninsured middle-class citizens... Luckily, today I also had my 6-week check where not only could I receive a free IUD, but I was encouraged to do so. Birth control I don't have to think about for the next 5 years? Sweet. Especially since I've gotten pregnant twice on birth control. Yikes.
Every doctor I've seen has commented on my unusually small cervix, which makes various procedures much more uncomfortable than they ordinarily need to be. Apparently it's so small it has a name for this condition. I don't know how pap smears feel for most people, but I venture a guess it's not my experience. They are not merely uncomfortable but very painful. Timm has held my hand through many, including a colposcopy. (yikes!) Of course, I had to have one today. I asked the doctor how comparable the IUD placement was to a pap smear.

Dr: It's slightly more uncomfortable. You may have more cramping.
Me: Oh crap.
Dr: You have a very small cervix, so you may feel this a little more than the average person.
Me: Oh crap.
Dr: We're just going to pull your cervix a little bit closer.
Me: What? But- how do you pull an organ? Is a cervix an organ? I don't think so- Regardless, it's internal! How do you redirect my cervix? This can't be good.
Dr: You may feel a little pinch.
Me: Oh crap.

"Holy Mother of What the Freakin' Crap in the Hell &@*!?!*" ( is the nonsensical string of allowed outbursts that I thought.)
At this point I yell out several times and continue to moan, the pain so that I cannot contain it. It feels as though- oh right, they are pulling my cervix! Now- I don't think I have a small pain tolerance. After all, I had endured 3 C-Sections, the last of which I actually felt during surgery. But this freaking hurt!! A lot!! I dug my fingernails into my palms the entire time while they repeatedly told me to relax my knees and butt. Right.
I ask about bleeding and she says I will have some spotting afterwards. After they mercifully leave me to recover my composure, I get off the table. As I stand, plink, plink, plinkplinkplink. Blood dripping on the linoleum.
Me: Oh, you meant right now. Well, in lieu of anything else, I'll just help myself to some kleenex.
Good Hell- A- Mighty!
It's a good thing that procedure will last me for another 5 years, cause it super sucked. I cannot count how many times I kept repeating to myself: That was horrible. That was horrible. That was horrible.
Glad it's over.
Incidentally, I'm really counting on some special place in heaven for women for all we endure to bring children into this world, and then to make sure we do not bring more children into it. Brutal.


Susan said...

Holy Moly!! Maybe a little bit too much information, and yet I can feel your pain!

Oh well, one more thing that makes being a woman such a wonder......

Glad that's over!

michelle said...

Ouch indeed. I am glad you were able to get it done at no cost, however, and that you squeaked in before Medicaid ran out.

I'm pretty sure there IS a special place in heaven reserved for women...

Anonymous said...

Oh man. All I remember is painful in that "uncomfortable but I don't feel like punching someone" kind of way. Yikes! Glad you were able to get it at no cost and I hope you end up loving it like I do. I don't ever want to NOT have one now.

No pain no gain.

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