Enough.
All is well, enough.
I've been working hard at feeling better and there is a remarkable correlation to food and my mood. Yes, a correlation I made months ago but somehow failed to keep in the forefront of my mind. Even now I really want some cake. And ice cream. Anything with chocolate, caramel. Maybe even Pez if I'm desperate. Which I am. But not Necco wafers. Never those. Un/fortunatley we purposely have nothing good in the house. No sugary goodness anyway.
I'm close to fiending.
Add Michelle's painful jealousy-inducing London posts and it doesn't help. Missing her doesn't help either. Nor does the fact that I can't call her.
So in short, there is no need for outreach phone calls though I appreciate the concern. Also, don't take it personally if I haven't called you back (yet). It's part and parcel of the depression gig. Avoidance. Isolation.
I'm feeling much better through a concerted effort. A very concerted effort. It wearies me to think of always having to work this hard, that I live in this cyclical world where one day things are peachy and the next I've been sucker-punched. Nevertheless, depression is a trial I've been allotted here on earth and even though sometimes things look dire, over the years I really have improved. I used to feel this way most of the time. It used to take me weeks and weeks to pull out of it. Now I can't remember the last time I felt this poorly. So it's a step.
I don't like that I have to work so hard, but its usually better than the alternative. I just hope the people around me can continue to ride the waves as long as I continue to try and sail them.
{Permission hereby granted to anyone who wants to discreetly and understandably bow out of my life.}
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
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5 comments:
I don't know you or anyone you know either... Just stumbled my way on your blog a year or two ago. You are such an amazing writer...honest, witty, real and just fun to read about. I think it is one of your God gifts. Just thought I would share....
I'm certainly glad to hear that you're not desperate enough to eat Neccos {shudder}. But Pez are rather desperate as well...
I'm so glad to hear that things are looking up. I will try to call you today or tomorrow, after Bob & Mim leave.
And sorry about the London posts.
Please tell me no adults like Necco wafers, those are such a slutty kid type candy (not that the kids who like them are sluts, more that the candy itself is of a slutty nature).
I think it's quite a break through that you've figured how food and sugar affect your moods so much. I realize it's still difficult to resist eating those foods, but it's wonderful that there's something you can actually do to help yourself feel better. It reminds me of when I finally decided to give up diet Coke (right before Nantucket remember?) because of my headaches, that was a big step for me but has made a huge difference.
Hang tough my friend. I highly doubt any of your friends will be discreetly bowing out of your life.
To be uneloquent: Depression sucks. I suffer from it myself and find that my energy and well-being comes in waves. I truly admire your strength in recognizing your "triggers" and trying to cope with them. Your friends will understand - no one will bow out of your life. I completely understand that despite all common sense, sometimes just functioning is a major effort. Hang in there (what a dumb saying) a new wave of well-being is coming.
Though I don't take time to comment much, I just wanted you to know that I, for one, will NOT be bowing out of your life! And, does Jill know that Susan actually loves chocolate Necco wafers? (insert shudder) Maybe that's how some people feel about circus peanuts. . . .
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