Monday, March 29, 2010

Regrets

Today my grandma suffered a stroke, or something like it.
I have dreaded this day for years. She often talks lightheartedly about dying, or 'stepping off', as she likes to say, but for years I have been able to extract promises of endurance from her. First it was until I got married, then the birth of my first child, then my second, then until she met my third, until I could visit, and so forth.
I will save my sentimental waxing for another time, but suffice it to say that my grandma is one of the most influential people in my life, and of so many lives she has touched for good. She has always been on one my greatest friends, advisers, influences, and role models. I take more lessons from her than I do from any other one person. Some of my earliest memories are of her, and many of my best. But here I said I wasn't going to wax sentimental. 
Tonight I bitterly regret that I have recently ignored or put off promptings to call her. We used to talk so much more often, but the nuisances and necessities of daily life have interrupted that. Lately I have often thought that I needed to call her and interview her. She has taught me so much over the years, but I wanted to put things down on paper. I wanted to ask her stories I have heard before, as well as things I haven't. To get specific advice. Words to remember, to pass on through generations.
But I hesitated. And now she is incoherent, and probably wouldn't even recognize my presence. if I am lucky I will be able to fly there before she dies. I desperately want to see her before her funeral, but so far finances and the details of child care preclude that from happening. She may not recognize me or even know that I am there, but I will know.
I need to see this woman who has directed my path so many times, who has healed so many heartaches and forgiven so many mistakes. I want to aid her any way I can and be present to pay tribute to her. She may not actually need me right now, but I still need her, as I have these many years.

8 comments:

Hannah said...

I am aching for you. Not much I can say other than that...love you.

michelle said...

Sigh. It's kind of hard to explain this loss unless you know her.

I just want us all to be together.

Susan said...

Mothers cannot be replaced and I have known for many years that this day would be a most difficult one.

Your words about grandma are echoed by us all. Thank you.

I love her so. I love you.

Bridget said...

I am very sorry to hear about you Grandma. I know how much she means to you and Michelle. My heart is heavy for you all. Love you.

Serin said...

I am so sad for your whole family. There isn't a person in the world that knows Charlotte and doesn't love her.

Diana said...

I will be praying for you Jess. I know how close you are to her. I too don't have much to say. So sorry.

Robin said...

Oh Jessie, this breaks my heart. Your grandma is such a beautiful person...just know I am thinking of you, and praying for you and your family.

Love you!

Rin said...

Jess! I am so so sorry. I have dreaded this day also because it feels like you have dreaded it since we've known eachother. I hope she pulls through!

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