Today my grandma suffered a stroke, or something like it.
I have dreaded this day for years. She often talks lightheartedly about dying, or 'stepping off', as she likes to say, but for years I have been able to extract promises of endurance from her. First it was until I got married, then the birth of my first child, then my second, then until she met my third, until I could visit, and so forth.
I will save my sentimental waxing for another time, but suffice it to say that my grandma is one of the most influential people in my life, and of so many lives she has touched for good. She has always been on one my greatest friends, advisers, influences, and role models. I take more lessons from her than I do from any other one person. Some of my earliest memories are of her, and many of my best. But here I said I wasn't going to wax sentimental.
Tonight I bitterly regret that I have recently ignored or put off promptings to call her. We used to talk so much more often, but the nuisances and necessities of daily life have interrupted that. Lately I have often thought that I needed to call her and interview her. She has taught me so much over the years, but I wanted to put things down on paper. I wanted to ask her stories I have heard before, as well as things I haven't. To get specific advice. Words to remember, to pass on through generations.
But I hesitated. And now she is incoherent, and probably wouldn't even recognize my presence. if I am lucky I will be able to fly there before she dies. I desperately want to see her before her funeral, but so far finances and the details of child care preclude that from happening. She may not recognize me or even know that I am there, but I will know.
I need to see this woman who has directed my path so many times, who has healed so many heartaches and forgiven so many mistakes. I want to aid her any way I can and be present to pay tribute to her. She may not actually need me right now, but I still need her, as I have these many years.