Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Dichotomous

Here are some of my daily thoughts:
  
I need to follow a strict whole foods diet. Absolutely no sugar or wheat. It wrecks havoc on    my system in every way.
Life is for living. I love food and I want to enjoy all of it as part of my life.

I want to lose 65 more pounds and be tiny. Like, beyond a doubt tiny skinny with no room for argument about it. I can wear anything off the rack skinny.
I want to let it go and accept myself for good or for ill, for small or for large, and be an example of acceptance, health and strength for my girls.

I am never going to grow my hair any longer. I love it short and funky and messy and easy. It suits me perfectly.
I think I might grow my hair out. It's looking a little weird.

I want to get up at 5 am everyday and exercise and pick up the house before the girls get up.
I want to stay up late and relish my alone time and wake up as late as possible.

I am okay. I am flawed and I mess up a lot, but it is the total of my parts that make me who I am.
I'm so screwed up. I'm such a loser.

Depression is not who I am, it does not define me, and it is not my fault.
Maybe this whole depression gig is just a weakness on my part. Maybe I am responsible for it after all.

I hate these stupid cats who poop and vomit places and I can't wait until I don't have them anymore. 
I love these stupid cats even though they smell funny and make my sheets dirty.

I'm funny. And cool.
I'm a loser. And a failure.

I want to move near my family somewhere.
I never want to move again.

I want to be thin at all costs.
I want to eat and bake and forget it all.

I am who I am. I can't change the fundamentals of my person, and that's okay.
I need to change and improve every aspect of myself.

I want to be a marathon runner. I want to run 5 times a day. I mean week.
I want to just incorporate normal physical activity into my life without spazzing out about it.

I think I might have a handle on this depression thing. Things are looking up.
I never want to get out of bed again. I'm done.

I kind of have a problem with balance. I think I might have latent schizophrenia.

13 comments:

paws said...

I've felt this way so many times. Maybe we're all just one big dichotomy.

Denise said...

I love this post because I relate well to it. And--just for the record, you are funny (in the good way) and cool.

Tasha said...

I hear you! I think we all have those black/white thinking issues.I know I do.

Diana said...

I too can relate to this post. I feel the same. I am constantly extreme opposite in my daily thoughts.
This post reminds me of why I love you!
PS Every time I wrote this in my comment I randomly put a t on the end.

michelle said...

I totally get this. It drives me crazy.

I second Denise's comment. You're totally funny (and cool).

jt said...

Okay, but people, I mean it when I say I actually think all of these things in a day. Not like once in a while, or sometimes I feel this way and sometimes I feel that- like, cycling around in a 24-hour period. And sometimes back-to-back just like I wrote. Schizo style. Ongoing dialogue. At least I haven't been referring to myself as 'we' lately- remember that? Yikes.

Becky Heard said...

Sounds like me...and probably a bajillion other people. :-)

michelle said...

I'm back to read this post again because I love it so much.

I think I must have some kind of fatal disconnect that allows me to think wildly dichotomous things at (almost) the same time. It's a problem.

Jill said...

Oh my gosh, it's like you're inside my head! Why must it be like this? I know, I know, opposition in all things, but really does that have to mean ALL things?!

Michelle and I were moaning about these issues today and our need for change, then we ate a lot of cookies.

Michelle said...

Isn't it frightening to know how many of us are out there with the same thought process?

I flip flop between confidence and insecurity, sanity and insanity, etc. all day long. I guess our shared abnormality makes us very (gulp) normal.

Susan said...

Too many thoughts can certainly be tiring...exhausting...frustrating...irritating...spooky!

And for the record, I second Denise's comment! (But then again, every mother crow thinks her babie's blackest...)

Carry on.

Paula said...

I hate to tell you this, but I'm older than most of the people who have commentd on this post and I'm afraid that I share the same thought processes. Sorry.

maizie said...

I'm so glad you made this post. Isn't this the truth!
I want to be thin at all costs.
I want to eat and bake and forget it all.
I can really relate to this.

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