Friday, May 19, 2006

Birthday Preparations

P.S. (PRE-script) Okay people, I know I went almost a week without posting, but I was on vacation. I'm back now! Give a girl a break! Either you're not commenting because you got out of the habit of checking my blog since you were dissapointed so many days in a row, OR you're making me do some sort of comment-pennance for not blogging more. Either way, I get it! I'm back in the groove! I will try not to dissapoint you (much) more in the future. Please comment again.
{That was my attempt to badger the blogging community into making me feel loved over the internet again.}
This is Bella during her dinner tonight. She's been really funny lately- We discovered last week that she suffers from allergies, so we've been giving her Zyrtec, which seems to help immensely. Then yesterday she had two inexplicable projectile vomiting incidents, over and over. She seemed fine despite that however, and still slept really well. Today she didn't wake up until 8am, then took a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day instead of her usual (2) 2 hour naps. Crazy. She hasn't had much of an appetite all day, which is very unusual for her, but no vomiting. Hopefully she is hungry for her birthday cupcake tomorrow!


I'm feeling a little stressed over the money I have spent on Bella's birthday. Despite the gifts my parents gave her and the money they generously donated, I still spent too much. I couldn't resist buying color-coordinated cute paper ware, wrapping paper, balloons, the works. It really is still a small birthday party, but I just wanted to make it special. I always have guilt and anxiety over spending money since we have none. So much for following Michelle's example of a $7 birthday! Tonight I am making the cupcakes, and I'm using a good yellow cake mix of my grandma's. (Every recipe of my grandma's is good. She's a domestic goddess, even though she is 'aged'.) I made the first batch, and over filled the cups grotesquely. I am going to pause and make a poster for Lola's Legacy and move on to round 2 of the cupcakes. The following is a journal entry I made for Bella about her birthday. It should help explain why I felt compelled to spend for her birthday! (Pictures to follow tomorrow.)
"There was a part of me that thought this day would never come. (at times many parts of me…) When your sister Lola died, you were only a hope, a dream, something to hold onto. When you were finally born it seemed I waited every day for something to happen to you, for you to stop breathing. My reality as a new mother was different than most. I planned what I would wear to your funeral, what I would dress you in, who I would invite, and the hymns we would sing. But that day never came, and I have come to believe that it will probably not come while I am living. I am still not terribly comfortable with life, in the sense that I know of its frailties. I know that nothing is assured and that Heavenly Father could take you at any time. But that is also why I do not fret about it. There is no point in fighting against the inevitable. Heavenly Father gives us what we are able to handle, and he gives us the strength to bear the burdens he gives us. (parable of the ticket from the Hiding Place.) I joy in each day that you are here with me- your perfect spirit, laughter, happiness, and love, a gift to my life each day. I have the best of both worlds- an angel in Heaven who inspires me to live my best life, and here on earth, my darling baby girl who reminds me why I am here- to care for you, to love you, to live my best life.
Happy Birthday, my darling little Bella. Thank you for saving me, and bringing so much joy back into our lives. You make us proud, and I’m sure your sister would agree."

13 comments:

emily said...

At least the doctor was good for something, and I'm willing to sacrifice my self-esteem for Bella's allergy relief. Hopefully the Zyrtec will prevent Bella from "looking the worst" from any allergy "shiners."

What you wrote to Bella is beautiful. I never realized how on edge you were during Bella's pregnancy, but your attitude and strength are an example for me. Happy Birthday Bella!

michelle said...

Oh boy, sorry you have to do a second batch of cupcakes! Those photos are hilarious.

I love the letter to Bella. I'm not even sure I realized that you were planning out her funeral... that's wild. I'm glad you're not thinking like that anymore.

Amie said...

Jessie - I really love that you are so real in your posts. The letter to Bella is beautiful.

I think you are right and our internal thoughts probably have a similar pattern. I have thoughts of all of those things (the money guilt, losing Jimmy or one of the kids, etc). I try not to share them too often because most people can't even fathom thinking like that. I wondered about the fellow-worrier title (I know I admitted it on my blog) but this post puts the puzzle together for me.

I can't imagine having lost a child, but I am so impressed by all the good that has and is coming in your life because you are living to be worthy of Lola.

Thanks for sharing...

Hannah said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLA!!!
I hope the cupcakes in round 2 turned out just right. Money causes so many stresses for us all, but a few years down the road you will not care what it cost, only that it was such a special day.

Your letter to Bella is so touching and real. When we were talking yesterday, my heart ached a little to know you had such real thoughts like this about her. I think all mothers think about the unthinkable at times, at least I know I do, but it is so different for you. I could never know your sorrows but feel blessed to know you. Bella has so much to learn and you are the perfect one for the job.

little charlotte said...

I can't believe Bella is already a year old! That letter to her is one I know she'll treasure in years to come. It's a beautiful insight into the mind of a mother who experienced loss and happiness, all the time lit by heavenly, unconditional love. As Bella grows older, that letter will help her realize the connection she has with her mother as well as her older sister. Bella couldn't wish for more loving and devoted parents than you and Timm! We love her!

little charlotte said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jill said...

I had no idea you were carrying around the fear of losing Bella. That's so awful. You've already been through so much, so to be fearing for Bella too is heart-breaking. I hope you can begin to feel more at peace. Enjoy her birthday party and post the pictures, I'm sorry have to miss it.

Robin said...

Loved the post Jessie (and I apologize if I have been a lame commenter - I have been a lame blogger too, as you can tell from my recent post). Your entry for Bella was so touching. I can remember while we were working at LP together, you expressing these fears, and how inept at offering comfort, or encouragement I felt. I have no idea what it felt/feels like to be in your shoes, but I am always amazed at your strength. Thanks for being such an inspiration, on many levels.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLA!!!

TX Girl said...

What a beautiful letter. I hope it is a wonderful party.

rmt said...

Your letter makes me want to cry. It was beautiful. I had no idea you were still carrying all that around...
The pictures of Bella are just too cute, as usual.

Claudissima said...

You are soo sweet and tender. Bella is lucky to have a mum like you! Beautiful as always...I couldn't post on the most current post...but ADORABLE!~

mom said...

It sounds like your fears for Bella's live birth are a surprise to all, however I do recall having a good bit of anxiety myself during the delivery, yearning for the joy this time instead of such unspeakable sorrow as before with Lola. I was reminded of the complete awe that I experienced with the strength of both you and Michelle when Lola was born when I found a letter that I had written to you on the plane on the way home from being with you when Lola died. There was much family sorrow and shared strength that bore witness to me of the sprititually strong daughters I have borne. I love remembering those feelings and feel a debt of gratitude that cannot be adequately expressed for the life of baby Bella. Our children are wonderful eternal blessings. You are wonderful my baby Jessie.

dpw said...

I love your letter to Bella and wish I would have done this for each of my children on their birthdays. What a treasure this will be for her!

I love Grandma's yellow cake recipe. Emily just made a double recipe yesterday--she's famous among her friends for her homemade cupcakes--and we also baked two layers for a cake for Charlotte's graduation party. Grandma is helping us with a homemade cake buffet. Wish you could be here!

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