Today has been a great day. First of all, Timm actually took the day off- From both of his jobs, and he had no classes! This is practically unheard of! He was home all day yesterday and today! This is what normal families must feel like- two consecutive days together! I loved it. Timm and I never spend so much time together. Last night we took Mark and Robin's advice and had a camp out in the living room. We moved the furniture out of the way, laid a bunch of blankets down and watched a couple of movies. We slept down there too. It was so great because the little time that time and I have to spend together is usually with Bella in tow. I loved feeling like we were reconnecting as a couple. We need to find more time and things to do with each other.
Then today we worked on our yard, had lunch and dinner together, and went to Lola's grave.
I'm thankful because both my mom and Michelle thought to take flowers to her grave today. (My mom had to do it by proxy since she is in Philly.) Timm and I went and brought some flowers too, although they are nothing like my mom would have done had she been here. We did the best we could without her. When we were there I realized that Bella hadn't been there since last Memorial Day, right after she was born. I have a complex about this- I hardly ever go to Lola's grave except on special occasions like today, or her birthday. In general I feel okay about this since I don't really attach her grave to her, you know? I know that's not really her, and I think about her all the time. I try to do well by her, I just don't feel the need to go there very often. But occasionally I feel guilty about this, like I should go more often than I do. I don't know why- apparently I just like to invent things to stress or feel guilty over.
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I'm glad you guys had a great day together. The family room camp-out sounds fun, if a bit uncomfortable! I'm glad Timm was able to be home for a couple of days. That's how I felt during our recent family outings -- other families do this all the time! I'm sorry I wasn't able to take flowers to Lola's grave after all. Hopefully tomorrow. I don't think you should feel guilty about not visiting the gravesite frequently, so give yourself permission to stop the guilt now.
It sounds like you had a wonderful weekend. I am happy that you were able to spend so much time with Timm. Mona watched our kids while we each got our haircut I told Lou that I felt like we were on a date, he said he did too. Crazy how when you don't spend any alone time together any time together you appreciate no matter what you're doing.
I agree with Michelle, I don't think you need to feel guilty, Lola knows how much you love her and think about her, that's all that matters.
ps thanks for the "good mail"
I have the same feeling about visiting our little baby boy's grave. I think that however you choose to remember her is fine. No one ever said that you have to physically visit the grave in order to remember her. You obviously are doing alot to preserve her memory- given that you have created a wonderful service project to help other parents in the same situation. The only thing I personally find hard is feeling like I want to know my baby boy more, but obviously I can't do that at this time. One day we will get the chance to meet them and know who they truly are. You are a great mom. Shake off the guilt.
I don't think you should feel guilty about the amount of times you spend visiting Lola's grave. There is not doubt you think of her everyday.
I find visiting graves very peaceful. You're out in nature. It's very calming and beautiful. Its a chance for me to really reflect because all to often life creeps in.
I am really sorry you had to go through this. I hope you have found peace in knowing you will be with her again, and raise her. You are doing a really great thing for other parents in honor of her. I admire your conviction in this project and getting it done.
I love the pictures of you guys at the cemetary, and the shot of all the flowers and all the people there, very cool.
I think Memorial Day and cemetary visits are for us to remember those who are no longer with us. We know our loved ones aren't actually lingering in the cemetary so I wouldn't feel guilty about not visiting the grave often either. I've thought about that too, but don't think that's where they really are. So don't give yourself something new to worry about. You have lots of ways to remember Lola at home and with the her legacy project, that's better than flowers any day.
I love the pictures. I think you can do whatever you feel like...no one know how they would feel until they have to do it themselves. I do enjoy Memorial Day and visiting the cemetary. Mostly like Amy said because it is a time when you stop and think and remember, otherwise I sometimes get too caught up in daily things (of course, these are my grandparents not my children).
I'm glad you had a good day. I love the way you talk about Lola and the things you are doing to remember her.
I hope you don't feel too guilty about not visiting Lola's grave. It sounds like you have good persective about it. Her grave is not her. Just imagine if you were to move away. You would not have the opportunity to visit, but it wouldn't mean that she is any less a part of you, or that you love her less, or even have forgotten about her. I know I personally would find it very hard to visit the grave of my child and would thus avoid doing it. I don't think that's wrong.
Your campout with Timm sounds great. My husband, Jeremy, is stuck in the mindset that we have to leave home and go on a date to have good quality time with each other. Although I do love going on dates, I don't think it's necessary. Quality time can be found at home. If you think "outside the box" and do fun things like having a living room campout, spending time at home can be just as unique as going out and doing something new. Great idea!
This was a great entry, Jessie (: And I'm with everyone else who has commented. You don't need to feel guilty about going to the cemetary, though I do understand the temptation to do so. Like, I make myself feel guilty about not going up to Ogden to visit my grandma's grave. But it's the memories, and keeping them in our hearts what counts. Plus, I think you are doing the greatest service to Lola's memory by organizing Lola's Legacy - what better way to show how much you care for a loved one than to organize service in their name? I think that's so awesome.
Also, LOVE that you and Timm had a living room campout. It's fun just to stay up together watching movies, and do something a little out of the ordinary (: Glad you guys had fun, and got to spend so much time together this weekend!
Such a sweet way to remember her. I think whatever way you remember her is the correct way. You are doing so many amazing things in her memory that whether or not you go to her grave frequently seems like a moot point.
Love the campout idea. It is too hot in Texas to really go camping, so this sounds like an ideal alternative.
Jessie- I also enjoyed the pictures. Especially the one of you and Bella looking at Lola's grave. You are such a strong person. I guess you never really know how you would react in a situation until you are in the situation but I feel like I would have crumbled if I had been in your shoes. You are a good example to me. I hope the Lola's Legacy project is coming along nicely.
I love these pictures and love that you went. I hope you go as much as you feel you want/need to- no need to put the pressure and guilt on yourself. Your time is much better spent doing things in honor of her. I can't wait to see the rest of Lola's Legacy come full circle.
The flowers are great! Good job! And, I love the photos and you and Lola too.
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