Friday, June 22, 2007

Really long travelogue.


These shoes are hot- and sexy. That's why I bought them of course, or more accurately, my mom bought them for me. I was feelin pretty good traveling alone for the first time in years... apparently a little too cavalier and maybe even cocky. These shoes really aren't that uncomfortable- for short periods of time. I was telling a disbelieving woman in the airport that I can run in them- and I can.
Fast Forward about 14 hours later... I am hobbling with a crippled gait, punctuating every several steps with a cry. They are retired for the rest of the trip. Flats are on deck for tomorrow.
Also- apparently I was feeling so footloose and fancy free that I decided I wasn't going to check any bags since I didn't have an arsenal of baby equipment with me. (Most of you can imagine my typical suitcase- no matter how long you're gone, you still need the same amount of makeup and hair products, and a pair of shoes for each outfit. Well, if you're me anyway-) So it was not a good plan. I was saddled with a huge overnight bag that was bursting, but has no closures- then I had my huge purse and my Archiver's bag to hold my travel scrap supplies. I am toddling around the airport pretty aptly with these 3 big bags distributed, until the end when I had just given up. My stupid carry on bag was too big to fit in the overhead compartment, so I had to gate-check it. But remember how I said it doesn't close? It just has flaps- SO to avoid losing my underwear on the tarmac I tied it shut with it's straps. But here's the worst part... I don't know how I was this dense- I was so pleased with the carefree packing situation, never pausing to think about carry on restricitons. I had face wash, face scrub, eye makeup remover, toothpaste, moisturizer, 4 different hair products, ranging in price and quality from Suave to Bumble and Bumble. (All of which are contraband.) Well, I was running really late (I may have come over to Timm's side of the airport arrival time issue...)and the security line was frightening. When I realized my folly, my stomach dropped. I sauntered over to the liquid policeman and poised myself for some convincing whining. Remember, I was wearing the shoes! And since I was at the start of my trip I was still strutting pretty well. He didn't go for it! Suddenly I'm handing over 5 of these products, some of which were brand new. I decided enough was enough and I wasn't going to hand the rest over. I only relinquished what he saw- I took all my hair products and buried them at the bottom of my bag. (Remember- I had some $20 Bumble and Bumble pomade, courtesy of my mom.) So even though I'm getting dangerously close to missing my flight, I decided to risk it further by hiding contraband in my carry on. Then I realized that I also had two pairs of fine tip scrapping scissors and an X-acto in my bag. ('Oh no you didn't!' I say with a head snap) That clinched it. I covered those with my art journal and proceeded through security, prepared to feign any memory of packing those. I went through, and they sent my scrap bag through twice and studied it for a long time, but in the end I left with the rest of my belongings on my person. And incidentally, they were calling my name for a final boarding when I raced up to the gate. They were waiting for me, and by this time I was sweating from the stress and racing of it all, which makes me both shiny and cranky-Bad news. Terrorism took on a new reality for me today folks- It has now penetrated my lifestyle and the freedoms I used to so ignorantly enjoy. What kind of a world do we live in when I have to relinquish Clearasil as a possible terrorist weapon? Now it's gone too far. Now it's personal. I estimate about...$30 in product that I just threw away. What's next? I have now become personally acquainted with the effects of terrorism, and I am not pleased. On a high note, I did escape with an estimated $50 in other personal effects. That oughta be a comfort for those actual terrorist threats...
Last item, for tonight.
On the last leg of my flight I boarded one of those tiny planes that you have to climb the stairs to enter, and only seat 3 across, divided in 2 rows. The overhead bins weren't big enough to hold anything larger than a laptop, and you couldn't stand fully erect. Luckily, I sat in the one single seat divided by the aisle that separated me from the other 2 passengers in my row. Enter: Clean cut Goth boy Sans makeup. I noticed him in the terminal, because who wouldn't? and lo and behold here he was. Full wardrobe- platform black leather boots, black pants, black shirt, black floor-length coat, and a charming black hat that resembled a stetson. (It was 97 degrees people. Fashion preferences aside, are you crazy?) He was surprisingly clean cut and otherwise resembled a fairly normal young man. For some reason, he kept catching my eye and kind of sharing these knowing looks at me except I didn't know what I was supposed to know apparently. I politely turned my attention away from him. Until- he took a small tin from his pocket, and curiosity directed my gaze in his direction. It was chew. I immediately turned away to avoid recoiling from him. I cannot express how vile it was. I have never seen someone actually chewing, and I wanted to vomit as he tucked this huge wad under his lip- And then he started using his water bottle as his spitoon, and I physically shuddered. It was the grossest, most practiced, and efficient spit I have ever witnessed. It struck the bottom of the plastic water bottle with a sickening noise. He proceeded to do this through the whole flight,and it never eased my disgust. I tried to bury myself in my book and was pitying the old woman who so mercifully separated me from him, but every time he raised the water bottle for his succinct spit, I shut my eyes and breathed deeply. I couldn't help but react, but I don't think he noticed. Let it be known that I think that is one of the most vile habits, and one that I hope never to witness again. Now that I am in the south however, I may have another such interaction with the Good Ol' Goth Boy.

That was entirely too long, but I felt I really needed to convey the experience accurately. If you've read this far you are either a true friend, or really bored.

12 comments:

Hannah said...

First, I love that you made a label for 'Spitoon'- as if you expect to experience something to this effect again and again and will need the label to pull them all up should the moment arise.

When I pulled up your blog and saw the picture I thought, "Surely she didn't wear those house hunting!" They are rather cute and I can see the sex appeal- glad you are going to give your feet a break tomorrow.

I haven't traveled on an airplane in so long I think I would have done the same with the contraband. Scrapping on the plane would have been so delightful. Looking forward to your next update!

michelle said...

Mom told me you weren't checking any bags and I wondered what had gotten into you. Kids or no, I could never travel with only an overnight bag for a week! I thought maybe you were taking your minimalist de-cluttering expertise to new heights. I cannot believe you checked that bag that doesn't close!

Sorry to hear about having to lose some of your toiletries -- bummer! But I can't believe you got away with an x-acto and pointy scissors. Surely those are more dangerous than Clearasil?

Secondly, I cannot believe you have lived this long without ever seeing someone chew tobacco. Gives you a little more empathy for Emma Smith, eh?

I hope you treat your feet right tomorrow. Contrary to the example set by our mother, sometimes you just have to wear sensible shoes!

Robin said...

Oh Jessie, when I left the airport this morning, I was thinking to myself, "I hope she makes her flight on time!". I should have been in the presence of mind this morning to notice the "liquid problem." It really is quite ridiculous. I mean, seriously - 3 ounces people. Often times "travel size" isn't even that small. I am sad you had to throw away so much stuff :( But I must say, I too am surprised you got away with the "pointy objects!" If it had been Mark, he would have totally been busted. He ALWAYS gets stopped at security. Must be the bushy eyebrows...make him look suspicious. Or something.

It was fun taking you to the airport this morning, I'm glad I had the chance to do so. (: I apologize if my conversation skills were lacking! But you are always fun to talk/listen to, so you helped me stay alert for the drive.

Good luck house hunting! And treat those feet - yikes! You persevered much longer than I would have been able to! I probably would have broken a limb. I mean, kitten heels are enough of a challenge for me.

Though I sympathize with your trials, I did enjoy the update! Have fun!

charlotte said...

What a trip! That's amazing they didn't notice the x-acto--that could have gotten you tagged for sure, despite your sexy, leopard shoes. I too feel cocky in sexy shoes and usually regret it later. Good luck with the house hunting and all is well here (with the minor exception of periodic freak outs from Bella and her screaming "Mommy!!! Mommy!!!" We'll try the pool today--hopefully that will distract her from her lack of Jessie)

Jill said...

I'm a true friend so I read the whole thing, but found myself shaking my head in disbelief because of the folly of your traveling ways. What in the world? Those heels are indeed sexy, but to travel in? Who were you hoping to see? Good grief. Not checking bags, not having bags that close? Seriously, you're a smart girl, how did this happen? I better stop because I don't want to offend you any further. I guess it makes for amusing blogging, but I'm now experiencing anxiety about it as well.

Crystalyn said...

wow is this funny! you are an excellent writer...so enjoyable to read your posts.

i would have been all out of sorts with having to toss my toiletries. especially that bumble & bumble. although it is disappointing that those watching over our air travel didn't catch your x-acto knife and scissors, i still say kudos to you for getting them through and salvaging some of your possessions! i'm sure you didn't look like much of a terrorist in those heels! wowie! they are sexy indeed and i'm just jealous that i wouldn't be able to walk to my front door in them. you go girl!

good luck with the house hunting and with your travel back to ut.

Crystalyn said...

p.s. forgot to mention that i love the photo of the heels!

Kim said...

I guess Sunday night boredom has set in for me because I read your entire post and I'm glad I did! Reading about your travel mishaps was very entertaining- especially since it involved a visual of you strutting through the airport in what I think are the sassiest looking shoes I've ever seen! :)
Anyway, it must feel good to be that footloose and fancy free with no Timm or Bella. Good luck house hunting, I can't wait to see what you find...

Claudissima said...

wow...those shoes are soo hot...they look nice. travels...i think luggage sometimes has so many surprises, sometimes you think you can do it, and then find yourself wanting someone to give you a ride...with those shoes they should have carried you to the gate...too bad that guy didn't help you out more.

Beatrix Kiddo said...

Wow! I TOTALLY agree about the security at the airport going too far. It is ridiculous. Some politician made a point once about how her charm bracelet was confiscated because it had a little charm gun on it and if they truly wanted to have better security they should let all the passengers carry guns. I thought that was hilarious and would be much more effective.

mom said...

Okay, I can totally relate to wearing the shoes for travel! At least you are not on your feel all of the time! But for everyone else, I witnessed firsthand how the photo was taken, and well, just let me say it was amazing and a little unbelievable! What contortions!!!That is an art! I think I'm too old to try those positions......

Amie said...

I too have witnessed the sickness of chewing. Really gross!

I hope the house hunting was successful!

You crack me up. I enjoyed your travelogue and wish I could have seen you in the airport with those shoes and bags!

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