Monday, July 16, 2007

Ugliest Self-Portrait EVER.


(In pursuit of honest documentation I snapped this when I got home last night. A typical look for me. BTW, apparently I look really crappy from straight-on, so I feel a need to apologize to everyone that I have ever spoken to directly without giving a better view. From now on, profiles or hybrid-perspectives only please. I will be that girl who won't ever look someone straight in the eye. All shifty-like.)

Last night Timm and I were at Diana's house to celebrate Lou's birthday. I was already a little reluctant to go over because I am feeling lame and really disappointed with myself and feel like it is plainer to me when I am in the presence of those I love whom I do not want to disappoint. (Does that make sense? It's completely about ME, not the other people...)
So I went in an effort to back-talk the nasty voices that discourage me so, and of course was glad that I did so. (These are voices as in influences or self-talk, not as in "hit me with some Seroquel!")
But there was a moment when I was forced to reflect and be honest with myself that I wasn't quite prepared for. I just went for the pie.
Diana wanted to take a picture and I forbade her to do so with me in it, because I looked the way I so frequently do, ogre-like. (Meaning no hair or makeup or real clothes, and basically no attempt to look as though I care to avoid being mistaken for a homeless person or a patient of some sort.)My friends unfortunately see me this way quite often. Diana is no exception since she lives just feet from my door. Apparently I feel like we are under no pretenses that appearances matter, unless I make a special effort-then I expect to have my ego heartily stroked and compliments aplenty. The point: I refused under any circumstances to be documented that way and she very innocently replied: "But that's the way I remember you!"

{oohhh.... recovering from the sucker punch my greasy face dealt to my ever-expanding gut}

Again, completely innocent on her part- it's all me. It was a staggering thought that I would be
remembered that way. I don't know why I should be surprised-there's really no way around it. My appearance and efforts at maintaining it are a clear picture into my mental/emotional state at the time. A complete disregard signifies that things are out of whack- it's an outward display of an inner turmoil.
It forced me to reflect on how I would like to be remembered and what changes I so want to make. (Not a foreign concept to me if you know me. Like, at all.) Moving presents the wonderful opportunity for reinvention, renewal, refreshment, and rewriting my life. I have several 'new people' I want to be in Charlotte. (Again, not in the "Seroquel" sense-) I just seem to lack the energy/impetus to force me to change direction, to harness the energy of inertia that is currently leading me into a tightly-wound downward spiral. In my fantasies these all describe the person I can be with a chance to start fresh. I just don't really know how to get there...
I will:
Pray on my knees morning and night-meaningfully
Become a runner-this might change the course of history, or implode the universe or something.
Get ready everyday and participate.
Actively parent Bella
Attend all my church meetings despite how I 'feel'
Not be a moody person-talk about implosions!
Take all of my medication religiously. Compulsively.
Not be a flake.
Eat well- avoid sugar.
Live an active life-style.
Not be ruled by past mistakes and failures.
Not be ruled by 'mental illness.' (Sounds so dramatic!)
Not be dramatic.
Be reliable- to myself and others.
Basically be better version of myself.
So I don't know why I'm balking-who doesn't relish the opportunity to examine their lives, realize every aspect needs improvement or total elimination and then affect change in every aspect? And do it really really fast without any diversions or discouragements.
Sounds fun.


Anonymous said...

Man I am going to miss you. I am so delighted that you write exactly how you talk- I feel like I was just on the phone with you...

Your list sounds overwhelming to say the least- but all such good things to strive for. Like I have alway said- you are the poster child for tunnel vision and can accomplish anything you set as your goal. You have taught me this- if you can teach me of all people, you can totally commit yourself.

No one there has seen your past attempts, knows you history, knows your failures. You control what you share- even being the open book that you are- you are in control. I know that if you focus on what you want- you will get it. It's just how you are.

I have seen you in the most grubbiest of states as well as when you are all ready to go for the day. I always see you as the model for style and your personality will always outshine however you dress.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I guarantee that is not the ugliest SP ever...guarantee it. You have the best expressions, even when you look put out.


jt said...

Okay, that made me laugh out loud b/c I could hear you call me a punk- after that pause.

michelle said...

Hee! I also love the way it feels like I was talking to you. Favorite part: "Apparently I feel like we are under no pretenses that appearances matter, unless I make a special effort-then I expect to have my ego heartily stroked and compliments aplenty." Like Hannah, I think you are adorable even when you are in your jammies with no makeup. And I have taken many worse self-portraits. No joke.

No one could accuse you of a lack of introspection! I think you are just so hard on yourself. You can't change everything overnight, and you can't beat yourself up when you don't. Take it slooooow. And enjoy the fresh start that moving brings!

Beatrix Kiddo said...

I LOVE that about moving. Granted I've had it where I moved before and felt that I'm a worse version of myself because I feel no one "knows" me. But, it's so nice to be able to change things without people pointing them out. I HATE that. I hate coming home with something new...a new look, or a new anything and a friend or family member points out that it's so not you. Or they just simply point out the change, making the transition harder than it should be. Is that really necessary?! Sorry, I could go off on a tangent here. Anyway, see you in a week :)

Kim said...

I've just recently lamented to Jared how a move would be beneficial for me so that I, like you, can start fresh!
I think it would be wonderful to move to where no one knows you or has any preconcieved notions about you and have the opportunity for a completely clean slate. Also, know that regardless of how people remember you- whether it is in your jammies with no make-up eating girl scout cookies or extremely stylish, poised, well kept and strictly eating no more than 18 points per day - they remember you fondly! That's what's important, right?

Robin said...

Jessie, you know that I think you are awesome. And I am SERIOUSLY going to miss you. I have always enjoyed having a kindred "comfy clothes" spirit. (:

I hope this doesn't come across weird, but I can relate to your "list", and the overwhelming desire and need to change - yet, the difficulty in doing so. Almost every day, I beat myself up over something that I didn't do, or that I should have done better. It's tough, wanting to become a new person just like "that"! *snaps for emphasis*

But like Michelle said, these things take a lot of time and patience. (Curse it).

And just know, for each of the things you have listed here, there are many, many others that you are already amazing at. (:

Karli said...

How I wish I had had the opportunity to meet and partake of your goodness. Your words make me laugh and cry! It's crazy how much I care about you and don't even know you. You are an amazing person and I've yet to see you in a picture where I think you look unworthy of compliments and ego petting! I think you are beautiful inside and out and your friends and family are a testament to that as well.

Hope you take your list one thing at a time. Mine is huge right now as well, but I'm trying not to beat myself up for things not done yet. Just taking it slow. The thought of gaining weight for my pregnancy (I'm 13 weeks) is scary to me because I've been losing or maintaining for so long. I've lost 12 and gained back 2 (I was super sick) so I'm just walking/running every morning and trying to eat healthy. I just want the baby to be healthy and I want to be healthy so I can feel better as a mom...anyway, that's my tangent for today. You rock Jessie!

Diana said...

Ok Jessie this post makes me sad. I didn't mean anything negative when I said "this is how I remember you". I love that we are so comfortable together that we can see each other in all our natural states. You are beautiful with out being done up and when you do get ready for the day.
I love your list and I know you can do whatever you set your mind to do.
Can't wait to hang out tonight.

charlotte said...

I love how in touch you are with yourself and how you constantly reinvent and reorganize your priorities. If anyone can change, you can! Something I always find interesting is how differently we see ourselves opposed to how others see us. I've never seen you as lame or any of the ways you just described how you're feeling. To me, you're my closest cousin who I love dearly and I admire so much your person and those irreplaceable qualities that make you the wonderful person you are.

mother said...

I guess you even badger yourself!
Take it easy. I can just hear you talking so fast I can't understand you!

And always remember, "to me, you're not".....

Loving you,

Claudissima said...


Crystalyn said...

jessie, i can understand these words so deeply and even though the want is definitely there, sometimes the follow-through is so incredibly overwhelming that it regresses us instead of propels us forward. michelle is are hard on yourself. one step at a time is definitely key.

love your glasses btw.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...