Moving Day

Sigh.

Molly moved today.

I watched her kids so she and her mom (Sally) could clean her house before they left town.

She and Timm said goodbye this morning when she dropped the kids off. I said goodbye to Sam on Sunday night and that sent me crying, of course. I can say that I have never cared more about any of my friend's husbands. I really consider Sam a friend, even independent of Molly. We were really so blessed to have a family that each one of us genuinely loved and enjoyed spending time with.

Mia trying to mimic Fiona's crazy smile.

After a few hours I gave up and put a show on. We were all tired.

When Molly came to pick them up that afternoon she brought us a parting token of Rita's. Fiona, always a food monger, spent an inordinate amount of time on hers, making sure to get every last drop.

Parting shots.

I held it together and didn't cry until after Molly walked out the door. Molly has some strange robot-like control over her emotions. Maybe not quite robotic, but even though she tells me about her crying spells over the move, and I know this has been hard for her, I have only actually seen her cry once, maybe twice. And once was at church. Michelle must have been prompted because she called me while Molly was still in the driveway, from which they were hitting the road for Dallas. I was honored that we were the last stop, the last ones to see them off. I wouldn't have it any other way.

After I closed the door and was still waving them off, Bella asked why my face was like that. I explained that I was sad, and she said 'But you'll see them at Christmas! And the Christmas after that, and the Christmas after that...' I replied that I wanted to see them every day like we used to. After thinking for a minute she ran out to the driveway and shouted 'Molly! Sebastian! Can you visit more often?' As I talked to Shell and Bella listened in she suggested these pearls of wisdom:

'Mom! I have an idea! You just need to make more friends that aren't moving! You need to find friends that are normal.' 

I don't want normal friends.

Molly gave me a sweet note which was only one of eleven. The other ten are supposedly hidden throughout the house. After reading this one I had a fleeting impulse to raid the house for the rest of them but quickly decided to leave them be for a while. I will find them altogether too quickly as it is I am sure and I want to have a bit of Molly with me for as long as I can.

As Michelle lamented, there's not much that can be said when your best friend moves away.

Farewell Friends

We had Molly's going away party on Sunday and I think it went really well. Even with the most casual of parties, there is always so much to do, most of which probably goes completely unnoticed by all but me. Nevertheless, the details are important, even if only to me. As usual I only had time to take pictures before everyone arrived, and from the on I was too busy. Thus, the only pictures I got are pre-party decor. Molly got some photos of actual people that I will have to get later.

Bright and cheery summer colors along with my traditional banners and poms.

At first I planned on making all the dessert myself, but as 60+ people had responded (guests plus their families) I submitted to accepting some help. I still made 4 pies: chocolate cream, coconut cream, banana cream, and lemon snowcap pie- All of which are my grandma's recipes and can be found on Michelle's recipe blog. I grew up with these pies, and they have always been beyond compare. Anything of my grandma's is a guaranteed crowd-pleaser. I don't make cream pies too often however so I was quite pleased with the result. I am not above saying, those pies.were.awesome. Awesome. I want to make them all the time. A lot of people brought other desserts, including Linda who brought a key lime cheesecake with a strawberry sauce. Mmm.

I'm glad I was able to bring all of Molly's friends together one last time. The kids had a great time running wild outside and being sweaty maniacs and we enjoyed good food and company, even if for only one more time.

Hidden Underbelly of Home Ownership

Home ownership is awesome. I mean, we have no more apartment number, no shared walls or ceilings, we don't have to have designated parking spots, a patch of grass, or nearly 360 degree views of parking lots and a line of vision into other people's apartments and their mundane lives. We don't have to retrieve our mail with a key, keep the music down, and we rarely use the term 'landlord' any more.
However.
Every other homeowner failed to warn us of an aspect we would have no way of knowing about otherwise, and thus no retort or recourse. I am talking about salesman. I don't know what else to call them.

First it was a couple of months ago when I completed a short telephone survey about our water, and thus received a free water test. The Caller ID said Carolina Water Systems, and based on that and their questions, I naively assumed that it was the City of Charlotte, and it's water service we were discussing. So I scheduled our water test for one evening, prepared for a few minutes, half hour at best with a city serviceman equipped to merely assess the quality of our drinking water. Oh, we got a lot more than I bargained for. Who really came to our door was a charming representative of 'Rain Soft' water treatment company. We all sat down at the table and reviewed a 3-ring binder version of a power point presentation on way more than I care to know about our water, what's in it, and what it's doing to us. Then he carts in his various testing materials and proceeds through various tests designed to accurately portray the veritable poison that we wash our bodies, brush our teeth, and cook our food with. It was a very convincing demonstration. I learned how much soap was still in the laundry I had just done, how much soap I was wasting, how my tap water was stripping the natural oils from my skin and leaving a residue on my hair, shower, and anything else it came in contact with. We took a sip of his treated water and thought 'ok, whatever it tastes like water.' Oh, but then we had a sip of our own, untreated water. This time I could smell the chlorine. Afterwards he told us to run our tongue over our front teeth and tell him what it felt like- sandpaper! My teeth suddenly felt gritty and dirty having had the first taste of truly clean water in my life. I was convinced that I simply could not go on drinking my sandpaper water, wasting my money on soap products, and washing my hair with those contaminants ever again. (After all, he had promised no more bad hair days with the new water.) We had to have this system. So tell us, what's it going to cost us to save ourselves from a slow poisoning from within?
Our charming representative then gives another presentation on various payment options for this fine system. He calculates how much money we will be saving on soap products, and issues us a grocery-coupon program that could save us hundreds every month! Not being able to afford to pay it outright or put it on a credit card, we look at monthly installments over the next 5- 10 years. He actually has us considering this! What could I do? It was an investment in the health of my family. He went back and forth with his supervisor on the phone to work out a deal with us. I was waiting to hear 'So what's it going to take to get you into this fine model today?' 2 hours later he leaves and as soon as the door is safely shut behind him I breathe: 'I'm so glad we didn't buy any water.' before I even realized that I thought that. It was as if once he left and took his apparatus with him, the power or force with which we were bewitched departed also. Suddenly I could breathe easier, I wasn't afraid to say 'No' to the nice gentleman, and I didn't have any 10-year payment plans set up. Whew. That was a close one. (Although we weren't completely withdrawn from the idea, as his business cards is stuck to a remote area of my fridge, just in case anything changes...) Lesson learned.
Then two days ago a nice girl was going door-to-door to advertise various home improvement services and asked if we were interested in any of them. I had vague interest in a gutter guard system, as ours seem to be in pretty bad shape and we haven't had a chance to clean them yet. Next thing I know, Timm is on board and we have an appointment with someone to give us a quote. Or so I thought. This time it's Dan from Gutter Guardian- another very nice and likable fellow. We walk around the exterior of the house and he is equipped with only a flashlight. Then he goes to get something in his car. Nest thing I know we are all seated at the kitchen table, me wrenched from my Tuesday night ironing, having just gotten Bella to bed. Out comes the 3-ring binder power point on the thrilling topic of gutters, the debris that collects in gutters, and the many inventions that have failed to solve this problem in the past. We see 8 different examples of past attempts that he tries to affix to his gutter and reveal the shortcomings. As time goes on- and it was much more time than necessary to assert his rather simple point-I realize that this is again, much more than I bargained for. I thought someone would simply put a galvanized metal mesh thingee over our gutters and call it a day. You don't need presentations and demonstrations for just a metal thingee. Oh no, we learned all about the 'Smart Clip' technology and the many advances and innovations made to the gutter industry. Once again we had to discuss payment options that included a 4-year monthly installment. Timm seemed really excited about it. I was less thrilled than with the Water of Life, but regarded it with some interest as it was an asset to the home. Timm is enthusiastically signing us up for installation pending in early January with the option to change our minds so that we could lock in the discount offered only that night. Once again, 2 hours later, it is 10 o'clock and Timm and I are seeing this wonderful gentleman out the door. Before Timm has even closed the door he says 'I'm definitely saying No.' ?!@#$!
In summary, I wish someone had made us aware of the salesman vultures waiting to descend upon us, picking on our naivete like carrion. I'm not allowing anyone else into our home, I'm not saying yes to anything, and no we don't need the Charlotte Observer/yard care service/dog walker/ house painting/ roofing or any of the other service offers that have been extended to us these last 3 months. No, thank you.

On tap today

A whole lotta... nothin'. Just the usual work around the house-projects and such. One one hand I can't wait to 'finish' all these projects so I can resume a normal routine- I thrive on routine. It's hard for me to instate sometimes, but once I do it makes a world of difference. I don't know how to focus my attention on more than one area of my life at a time, unfortunately. It is quite a detriment and a short-coming I neeed to work on. I'll get on that after I finish all these projects. So that was a big hand- on the other, little hand, I won't have much to do once I finish all of those. I mean, I'll have the regular routine of mother, wife, and housekeeper, and there's plenty there for to improve upon. I'm anxious to explore the whole city more and do fun things with Bella since she's being such a patient trooper. She just goes with it everyday- whatever I decide to do that day. That includes a lot of tv for her, and that's my fault.

But first:What the hell is this?

I mean, I know it's an annoying rash that stretches from collar to jaw line, but what is it caused by, and where did it come from? It's localized, and I can't think of any changes I've made, or products I've used... I feel gross. I probably should have worn my hair down today...

I was pining after Michelle and Hannah's recent SPs with their girls, so I tried to get a few of my own. Bella is incredibly hard to photograph! For one thing, she usually starts yelling at me if my picture-taking is going to interfere with whatever she is doing. That could be anything- If I stand in front of her, if I get too close to her, if I obscure her vision of the tv, and torture of all tortures- if I try to pose with her. Thus, I try and keep my camera handy for vouyeristic moments and hope for good light. Which isn't common inside.
But surprisingly, I got a few that are keepers! No frameable wall-hanging ones yet, but maybe someday...

And my own personal hell right now.

This is the state of my studio right now. My lofty goal is to have it all organized, unpacked and decorated by the end of the weekend. (ha.) The only painting left to do in there is my black d.i. dresser. I spent the last 4 days painting two 61/2 x 3 ft bookcases that I had planned to complete in one day. That's one coat of primer, and 2 coats of paint, complete with cutting in, drying time, etc. Apparently, after all the painting and projects I have completed I still have no concept of time.
Hoping to post before and afters on Monday.

Relief...of a sort.

Alrightie folks- since Hannah is such a dork and made a pleading comment to change my blog scenery-here goes.I can't promise anything since I hadn't planned on anything to post. ("I don't even know if anything is going to come out.")I have some things in the workings of my mind, but I have to take the necessary pictures. Alas, it is 6:45 and the sun is not up yet...
I am going to showcase more of my favorite photos from the journey out here! Bear with me-besides my house, new and frightening insect life, and how it all came to be is all I got! Without that, I got nothin'! I suppose I could endlessly pine away for friends and family left 'far, far away...' but who would that be good for? No one. Possibly you.
Proceed with the modern version of a slide show recounting the details of a trip only interesting to me and possibly Erin, since she was there and I haven't talked to her since! (The beauty of a 12 or 13 year friendship...)
First: a parting shot of Michelle's yard taken a couple days before leaving. (this is the part Jack hasn't ruined.) Michelle's house has become a kind of refuge akin to what Grandma's has always been for me. Totally safe, comfortable, welcome, at ease.
This was our truck, shortly before we were ready to go. Those guys utilized every possible inch of that truck. It was the biggest one they rent, and some thought it would be much too big, since we only live in a 1200 SQ townhouse- I knew better. We had to toss a few things, and we're lucky we fit what we did!
Our first day driving took us to Denver, an oft-visited refuge for me. It was a welcome sight, especially after leaving all my loved ones behind amidst tears on both sides. It was only one night, way too short, but it was 'donut night' so that makes up for quite a bit. Yeah, that's right. Homemade glazed donuts. Deep-fryer. MmmmmmMmMm.. And unfortunately for Erin, she was still sick if you recall.
Grandpa and Papa had a very lengthy discussion in earnest, I'm sure about something enlightened and lofty. Both of these men are very admirable indeed.
Leaving was bittersweet, as many aspects of this move prove to be. I was excited to move on, press forward-but I knew that I was leaving a part of the country that made a spontaneous trip to Denver an available option. I always knew that if things got to be too much or too dull, with one very full tank of gas, 8 hours, and minimal equipment, Denver (grandma's house) was close at hand. It was a comfort knowing that.
Bella, receiving love from an ever-receptive Denise. Bella really is easy to love, if I do say so myself. I have a post planned on the very subject. She is always welcomed by the Wood clan with many open arms and cousins waiting to admire her. It's good for the child and the mother both.
I love this picture-this sight. Unfortunately the settings on my camera got screwy and I didn't realize it. (Making several pictures WAY too dark.) I might have to deign to use PhotoShop. This is Denise rubbing grandma's feet because of her ulcers. I was just standing by when I was struck by the sight of it. I ran and got my camera, and shot away. It was a perfect example of charity, Christlike love, and service. It was very touching and had an impact on me that I am so pleased to have caught on film. Even if it is too dark. (for now.)
I love this photo-except it was also victim to screwy camera settings. My cute, cute grandparents (Grandpa without his glasses?!?) and...me. Unfortunately, upon reviewing the photos I had to accept a truth that has been taunting me for some time: My arms are as big as my head.
Again-too dark. But I had to include it. I had to harness the kitties after Dobby made a run for it out of fear. Papa offered to hold Dobby, and I loved the sight of it. Squint hard and maybe you can make it out.
Erin and Smeagle at the same location. (Note: cleavage enhancing harness featured previously.)
We were lucky enough to find a park each day to stop for lunch and let us all have some fresh air. (Incidentally I'm so lucky that Erin is an animal lover!
Dobby, doing her part to help out. The cats were SO peaceable the whole trip. For the first 2 or 3 days they solely slept on our laps for the entire trip. As you can see, they were always trying to scramble onto the driver's lap as well. Sometimes I permitted it. Then they found a comfy spot on the floor of the car and made that their spot with their fleece blanket.

The long road ahead. Picture taken in: Kansas. Correct.
Stupidly, I only took a couple of SPs on the drive.

Bella, happily playing with unrestricted Binkie access- an accommodation I made for the sake of all of our mental health. She couldn't have been any better than if she was unconscious. (Which I tried.)
This is the last day, when we were driving through western North Carolina. It should have only been a couple hours from our destination. Should have been. In our defense (Erin and I) it was the only time we got lost! Through some creative and risky routing we got there only a half an hour delayed.
It had the most beautiful fog that had descended like a giant cloud formation. It was saturated in both rich color and life, as well as rain. It was a very welcome sight to be officially introduced to my new state with such beauty.
There we have it. And I have more. But they are of closing on the house and I will spare you all until a later date. (Which may be today, the same date, but a later time.)

I hope you're happy Hannah. I've only been working on this for most of 3 hours.

Am I that predictable?

I just got this email from Hannah:
" You've fallen off the radar a bit- just want to see how things are."
Which led me to ask myself 2 things: 1-How does she always know? and 2- Am I that predictable? Answers: Probably the 'UN' at work, and Yes, I think so.
('UN': the Uterine Network-coined by my girl friends and I. -Diana, Hannah, Robin, and I, right?-It has proven to be very real and also very useful.)
This is a picture I took out of my windshield while Erin was driving on one of our final days of the road trip. ( I miss you, Erin...) I love the rain- I love the drops that stand still and clear while the rest of the world whirls by, blurred by our schedules and unnecessarily complicated lives still washed anew in rainfall. It seems I see much of my life this way, focused on the near-sighted vision of inadequacies, failures, inability and sadness-never looking beyond to what may be if I shift my focus. I seem unable to do so at times like this.
I am not 'depressed' per Se, or even sad at this moment. More like apathetic, and unmotivated. That's not really any better though, since it seems to inevitably turn sour and plunge me into a downward spiral that is oh so hard to climb up from. The catalyst to this turn? It could be the missing of pills for 2 days (that's all it takes unfortunately...) combined with the loneliness brought on by slowing down and realizing that the world goes on without me while I comfort myself with the companionship of my cats.
I don't understand how I am capable of seeing such beauty in small, everyday sights and occurrences, yet instead of being uplifted or inspired, I am so often wistful and hurt that I don't feel the optimism. I think it is some of that ultra-sensitivity I have too all things emotional, that I can recognize the peace but tend to feel the desperation much more strongly. Am I doomed to repeat these cycles, these ups and downs that tend to remain the latter for most of the time? I don't want to be a flaky, unreliable person, yet that's what I am even to myself. So far I lack the strength to moderate or even my mood from day to day, so I can hardly depend on myself, not knowing what will come next. Every time a goal is left unfulfilled, or even initiated I am that much more beaten down into the submission that I will never accomplish it, that I am nothing more than a burden for others to bear...
I promise I am not as disconsolate as this sounds. I'm just introspective on a not-so-great day. I'm not in the depths of despair. I could turn around tomorrow and make it a great day, heading for a momentum of a different kind- it's just that much harder each day that I put it off... It's so hard to muster the energy for positive living sometimes.

{f.y.i. this kind of post doesn't even warrant comments. Merely writing as a journal-therapy-self-talk kinda thing. that's all.}

3rd Post of the Day!!

I was really hoping to have some pictures to post of my progress with the house, but alas... It always seems like 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I hate to sound like I'm always complaining, but...I am a complainer. And I do not deal well with stress, chaos, disorder, disappointment, patience. So I'm in a really good place right now obviously.
For instance, I spent the majority of my day working on the kitchen so see it to near completion. I cleaned the whole thing which while small in size, is still a big project due to the construction detritus everywhere. I cleaned it all, decorated, and scrubbed my sink for a good while trying to get all the paint out. In the end, Timm had to help me dissolve it with straight acetone.
Cut to now- Timm is still working on the soffet, and even though we draped drop cloths wherever we could, the dust from mudding and sanding the drywall is insidious. No surface is impervious to its coating. Timm obviously has to do this process, and is doing it for me, but I just see my whole day's work not going to waste, but putting me back a little bit. I just get overwhelmed easily and dramatize things. First I'm stressed because there's dust everywhere, then its all the furniture I still have to paint, then I think about all the trim painting, then the countless touch-ups and the garage, and AUghhhhh!!!!! I am not good for myself.
Still, I will have photos to post by the end of this week.
And can I say one more time for the record that I hate doing this largely by myself? Anything is better on the buddy system- not to mention faster. Plus it just points out that I have no buddy to help me :( If I were at home, I mean- in Utah, I would have Hannah and Michelle to help during the days, or scrap nights with Hannah to ease the frustration, or Office marathons and junk food at the Allens...Alas I digress. I do enjoy all the family time we are enjoying- it is uncharted territory for us.

Tonight the 3 of us went to the pool for what we thought would be the last time. There was an adult pool party tonight to close the Pool season, sadly. It started at 7, so we went at 5 so we'd have plenty of time before the Adult Swim. Blast! The pool was closed until the party, and I'm pretty sure as of tonight it is closed for the season. I had made a big deal of telling Bella that it was the 'Last Swim' until Next Year! I'm sure she didn't quite understand, but she knew it wasn't good. We went to our friends the Gilers to see if we could go to one of their 4 neighborhood pools (yep-4)but we were foiled again. Blast.


Anyway, per request her are some better pictures of Bella so you can gauge her size better! The first is happy Bella posing for the camera, the latter are her obviously yelling: 'No! I don't like it the pictures! I don't like it!'
So there she is.

Just for Fun! (or Fear)

So I haven't done any kind of road trip recap yet, and I'm not sure how that will be done with my fading memory...(it is the stuff of legends.) But in the mean time, these just make me laugh out loud. Check our the kitty cleavage! I think those are the best shots of it I've ever gotten. The harness helps emphasize and define. I'm glad Smeagle isn't capable of embarrassment over this sight. Incidentally he hasn't had a bath since right before we left- Sick! Smeaglization to the ma around here. I am going to do it today in the effort to establish some routine amongst the chaos of our household right now.

For some of you, I know you will genuinely laugh and enjoy this picture with warm remembrances of your dear kitty friend. (Mostly Robin.) Or you can link this so others can see and get a little grin or chuckle. The rest of you can gasp and recoil in horror, and no offense will be taken. I love my guys, and I think Smeagle is beautiful- cleavage and all.

I found the media card reader!

This is Bella on our road trip out here...She entertained Erin and I (or at least me-I can't speak for Erin) by singing her version of 'Twinkle, Twinkle.' I'm pretty sure she picked it up from Eva in the final days when they spent the majority of each day together. Since then she's actually learned the entirety of the song, but unfortunately she's still mostly tone-deaf.
Still, that 'Tinkle, tinkle' warms my heart and brings a smile to my face.

more to come.


Okay, i started at 9:30 this morning trying to load the video. It is now 3:30. I have tried about 7 times, getting up to about 85% uploaded before it just- stops. I', still trying, and will post pics later. For now I have a scrap project I'm doing for church- yeah, they got me already.

Still Waiting...

Because i still can't upload new photos.. here is another gallery of ones past. i promise to hound timm to hook up our media card reader so i can take pictures of the progress. It seems like such slow progress, but i think i underestimated the amount of work involved in all this... and didn't take into account the fact that i wouldn't really have any help, and i still have a 2 year old, etc... Like i said- pictures to follow. {engage badgering timm}

i love this picture! So cute of Lucas being typically caring of Eva, and Eva's crazy hair. Both so cute.
This is from our going-away party at the playground. Eva is in the red tube slide. I love the effect of the color, but even more so, i love her expression. Just what do you think she is thinking of? I did a little page in my art journal with this picture while we were on the road. Little imp.
Bella, typically flushed from her adventures on the playground that same day. Note the (delicious) sugar cookie (ala Jill) in her hand. She was meticulously picking off the sprinkles and eating just those.

I love this picture of Timm holding Kaylee yet again, that same day. He looks so cute entertaining her, unposed, unknowing that I was capturing evidence to be used against him at a later time. Evidence to prove that he likes babies and will like to have another one whenever it is that i am ready for that step. Sometimes it seems it could be years before i undertake that adventure again...
Anyway, until i have new pictures i don't have much to report. i am trying to stay the course so i can get all this 'done' and just enjoy this new life, this new place, meanwhile remembering that i still have the daily tasks to keep out household running. I'm sure this comes as a surprise to all, but i get so focused on my 'projects' that i don't remember or don't want to do the dailies, so the household seems to be crumbling around me while i try in vain to progress the work in front of me. Seems to be a general theme in my life...
Until next time...

State of Jessie report

So how am i?
Well, right now I have primer and paint adhered to nearly every surface of my body. It is in my hair, splattered all over my hands, cemented to my cuticles and fingers, the bottoms of my feet, soaked through my clothes to my skin, and occasionally streaked across my face from when I wiped sweat from my brow.
My face is more broken out than I remember in recent years. Real red angry ones. I attribute it to the constant profuse sweating. Apparently this is the hottest summer on record for about 100 years. Great timing. That combined with the near-constant manual labor I have performing equals an angry complexion.
I have yesterday's eye makeup smeared on my face still. I haven't gone to bed earlier than 1 am in as long as I can remember, and usually collapse in exhaustion, too tired to wash my face, and always regretting it the next day. The very act of putting makeup on yesterday was a feat in and of itself since it seems so pointless and steals time away from the aforementioned manual labor. I have not blow-dried my hair since we've been here. When I put on makeup it is smeared and dripping off of my face within the hour. I go from air-conditioned house to air-conditioned car to air-conditioned stores all the while cursing the heat that causes my clothes to stick so desperately to my skin.
I have been eating fast food for nearly every meal since we left town. It is expensive, it is not very good, and it is contributing to my ever-expanding body and ever-dwindling confidence. I have not yet gone grocery shopping for more than the very necessitates like milk for Bella.
Right now I am wearing my 8 year-old BYU t-shirt, stained in hair dye, sweat, paint, and Smegelization. It has been a uniform of sorts.
Timm has been out of town for 2 weeks. I had a 4-day visit from my parents when we painted the whole house (more on that later) and Timm came home for about a day and a half last weekend, but other than that, it has been Bella and I alone, exploring our new surroundings and restyling this house. I am tired of being a solo-parent. I am tired of heaving heavy furniture from room to room by myself as I try to determine the best placement. I am tired of painting-everyday, alone. I am tired of the slow progress that seems to be made while I try and complete all of these many projects alone. I am tired of Timm having my cell phone so I can't make free calls to Shell whenever I get the notion, and free nighttime minutes to call my not-in-the-least forgotten friends, no matter how slow my correspondence has been. I am tired of only talking to Timm for a few minutes each night as I rehash my complaints and fatigue.
I am tired of my house looking like we just moved in yesterday even though I have been conscientiously slaving away at it. I am tired of sweeping the mass of detritus off of the bed each night so I can fall into it, alone.
On a bad day I feel stranded and alone, missing the world that continues to revolve without me in Utah, all of my friends still communing, minus me. I feel desperately haggard and embarrassed at my state-both myself, my house, Bella, and my total lack of schedule and discipline. I am spending way too much money on gross food and home improvement items both necessary and completely frivolous.
On a good day I feel excited and exhilarated at the newness of this life- the opportunities for change, renewal, nurturing our little family, and the pride in home-ownership. I feel strong and loved by all those we left behind in our car, but not in our hearts. I love the creativity that comes along with the stress and financial burden of nesting our new little home. I feel a kinship with those I love that will not be hindered by miles or lack of time spent together. I dream of visits to Utah and visits from loved ones here, so I can share this new life with them.
But.
I am happy. I am just tired and lonely. Timm comes back tonight, relieving some loneliness and the impatience of parenting a very intense child alone. With him comes the cell phone-my life line to friends and family.With him also comes the help and support in acclimating to our new house and environment. With his return hopefully we can all resume a more normal routine, schedule, and family life. (Never having had much 'family time', I'm not even sure what that will hold.)
I am blogging for the first time since our arrival, and that's something. Yesterday I sent a big load of good mail to most of my loved ones. I am taking the much-needed time out to reconnect, even before things in my environment are 'perfect'.
I miss so many people, but I am excited for what lies before us. Even more excited if we have some visitors to share it with!
I think I am back.
That is how I am doing.
Pictures to follow.

we're here!!

We finally arrived in Charlotte on Saturday night. We closed on our house yesterday and moved all our stuff in. We're exhausted, and we're frantically trying to unpack today before Timm goes to work tomorrow, but we're here!

We don't have internet access yet (Michelle's blogging for me) but we're working on it. Thanks for all of your well wishes. I have received calls and messages from many of you, and I will try to return your calls asap!

Preparations

I'm pretty much spending all my time with Michelle and Hannah during the day, trying to get in as much as possible while I can. Bella's having a grand old time eating snacks galore and watching shows galore with her 2 favorite friends/cousin.

Eva giving me her best 'smile'.

Hannah and I showing off the boxes we had packed.

Just be forewarned that I will be packing my camera around with me everywhere I go (Michelle's) and taking pictures of everyone I see. I don't have enough pictures of everyone.

No one is safe. You will all be photographed. Repeatedly.

Ugliest Self-Portrait EVER.

Yikes.

(In pursuit of honest documentation I snapped this when I got home last night. A typical look for me. BTW, apparently I look really crappy from straight-on, so I feel a need to apologize to everyone that I have ever spoken to directly without giving a better view. From now on, profiles or hybrid-perspectives only please. I will be that girl who won't ever look someone straight in the eye. All shifty-like.)

Last night Timm and I were at Diana's house to celebrate Lou's birthday. I was already a little reluctant to go over because I am feeling lame and really disappointed with myself and feel like it is plainer to me when I am in the presence of those I love whom I do not want to disappoint. (Does that make sense? It's completely about ME, not the other people...)
So I went in an effort to back-talk the nasty voices that discourage me so, and of course was glad that I did so. (These are voices as in influences or self-talk, not as in "hit me with some Seroquel!")
But there was a moment when I was forced to reflect and be honest with myself that I wasn't quite prepared for. I just went for the pie.
Diana wanted to take a picture and I forbade her to do so with me in it, because I looked the way I so frequently do, ogre-like. (Meaning no hair or makeup or real clothes, and basically no attempt to look as though I care to avoid being mistaken for a homeless person or a patient of some sort.)My friends unfortunately see me this way quite often. Diana is no exception since she lives just feet from my door. Apparently I feel like we are under no pretenses that appearances matter, unless I make a special effort-then I expect to have my ego heartily stroked and compliments aplenty. The point: I refused under any circumstances to be documented that way and she very innocently replied: "But that's the way I remember you!"

{oohhh.... recovering from the sucker punch my greasy face dealt to my ever-expanding gut}

Again, completely innocent on her part- it's all me. It was a staggering thought that I would be

remembered that way. I don't know why I should be surprised-there's really no way around it. My appearance and efforts at maintaining it are a clear picture into my mental/emotional state at the time. A complete disregard signifies that things are out of whack- it's an outward display of an inner turmoil.

It forced me to reflect on how I would like to be remembered and what changes I so want to make. (Not a foreign concept to me if you know me. Like, at all.) Moving presents the wonderful opportunity for reinvention, renewal, refreshment, and rewriting my life. I have several 'new people' I want to be in Charlotte. (Again, not in the "Seroquel" sense-) I just seem to lack the energy/impetus to force me to change direction, to harness the energy of inertia that is currently leading me into a tightly-wound downward spiral. In my fantasies these all describe the person I can be with a chance to start fresh. I just don't really know how to get there...
I will:

Pray on my knees morning and night-meaningfully

Become a runner-this might change the course of history, or implode the universe or something.

Get ready everyday and participate.

Actively parent Bella

Attend all my church meetings despite how I 'feel'

Not be a moody person-talk about implosions!

Take all of my medication religiously. Compulsively.

Not be a flake.

Eat well- avoid sugar.

Live an active life-style.

Not be ruled by past mistakes and failures.

Not be ruled by 'mental illness.' (Sounds so dramatic!)

Not be dramatic.

Be reliable- to myself and others.

Basically be better version of myself.

So I don't know why I'm balking-who doesn't relish the opportunity to examine their lives, realize every aspect needs improvement or total elimination and then affect change in every aspect? And do it really really fast without any diversions or discouragements.

Sounds fun.

Loss for Words?

I saved this photo on the 4th with the intention of posting it when I could think of adequate words to accompany it.
After several days of thinking, I decided the adequate words were not coming, and decided to post the photo anyway.



We are moving in 2 1/2 weeks. I had a great 4th, but spent a significant amount of time while at Shell's languidly mourning the future lost spent daily at her house. I am missing the opportunity of knowing the small daily events and details of her house, her life, her routine, her mannerisms...Her everything that I want to emulate and feels so safe and home to be in the presence of...

I know my stream.of.consciousness ramblings don't make the most sense, but it's the best way i know how to describe the feelings I have right now.

Now I just need to snap out of my preemptive saddness and make something out of these last days!

Updates

It's been a while for any updates from me, even for the prodigal blogger. I actually have eventful updates that have some significance to someone out there (I'm just assuming...) so here goes with it:
We have a moving date: It is Wednesday July 25th- our anniversary. (Celebrate, good times. woohoo.) I guess I've kept some of my friends up on the developments of our relocation, but not all. This has been a while coming- Timm accepted a job in Charlotte, and we're truckin out there. Literally. Timm will drive a 24-ft U-Haul, (we have a lot of stuff!) and my friend Erin and I, along with the 2 hairless cats and Bella will follow in my car. I know, some of you are up in arms. I knew this would be a consequence of posting, but I did so anyway in the spirit of documentation-I am sorry that I did not ask anyone else if they wanted to drive 4 days with me, my 2 hairless cats loose in the car, and a very active 2-year old strapped reluctantly into her carseat. I had to make a decision, and Erin seemed a likely candidate since she has no kids as of yet. Again, I know many of you are disappointed, but please try to see my perspective and forgive me.
Moving on- I am going house hunting two weeks from tomorrow for 6 days without Bella! I have only been away from her once for less than 3-days when Timm took her on a road trip to give me my scrap weekend. I think it will be liberating and hard for all 3 of us- Timm, who is not used to being a solo parent, I, who am all too familiar with largely being a solo parent, and Bella who is also used to my constant presence. Charlotte is flying up for the first 3 or 4 days so Timm can attend his Wood turning Symposium. (again, celebrate good times.)
We shall see..
About a week ago, I assembled an inflatable pool for Bella's backyard delight this summer. It was only about 65 degrees or so, and the water came straight from the hose so needless to say, it was cold.

Does she look like she minds?

Hannah and Mya came over to share in the fun, and Mya was a good sport for a while. Bella however stayed in, albeit only knee-deep, despite obvious signs of hypothermia setting in.

We also inadvertently bought them the same bathing suit at Target. (As did Diana for Kira!) But why would that be surprising: It's lime green polka dots (coco lots). Who wouldn't buy that?

One last update for now, although I have more forthcoming. (As they regard the state of my mental health, I'm not sure how many of you will be vying for the next installment...)

I am Wireless! Seriously celebrating good times now. My dad bought us a wireless card, nauseated by the thought of us still stuck with incredibly slow dial-up. I now enjoy the luxury of searching for houses online, whilst boring people on the phone with an account of what I see online. It's some serious sitting on my butt time, which frankly, I am lacking a little in my life. I can always use another excuse or hobby that requires me stationed in a chair or on the couch for significant periods of time. It works wonders for my weight-loss aspirations. As well as my being part of society-relinquishing my actual recluse status and participating in my world in more direct terms than from my window, email, or phone conversations. Whew.

My phone is ringing as I write this- Surreal. My phone is ringing while I'm online! Do you get this? I'm in the 21st century now, baby.