Monday, September 17, 2007

Am I that predictable?

I just got this email from Hannah:
" You've fallen off the radar a bit- just want to see how things are."
Which led me to ask myself 2 things: 1-How does she always know? and 2- Am I that predictable? Answers: Probably the 'UN' at work, and Yes, I think so.
('UN': the Uterine Network-coined by my girl friends and I. -Diana, Hannah, Robin, and I, right?-It has proven to be very real and also very useful.)
This is a picture I took out of my windshield while Erin was driving on one of our final days of the road trip. ( I miss you, Erin...) I love the rain- I love the drops that stand still and clear while the rest of the world whirls by, blurred by our schedules and unnecessarily complicated lives still washed anew in rainfall. It seems I see much of my life this way, focused on the near-sighted vision of inadequacies, failures, inability and sadness-never looking beyond to what may be if I shift my focus. I seem unable to do so at times like this.
I am not 'depressed' per Se, or even sad at this moment. More like apathetic, and unmotivated. That's not really any better though, since it seems to inevitably turn sour and plunge me into a downward spiral that is oh so hard to climb up from. The catalyst to this turn? It could be the missing of pills for 2 days (that's all it takes unfortunately...) combined with the loneliness brought on by slowing down and realizing that the world goes on without me while I comfort myself with the companionship of my cats.
I don't understand how I am capable of seeing such beauty in small, everyday sights and occurrences, yet instead of being uplifted or inspired, I am so often wistful and hurt that I don't feel the optimism. I think it is some of that ultra-sensitivity I have too all things emotional, that I can recognize the peace but tend to feel the desperation much more strongly. Am I doomed to repeat these cycles, these ups and downs that tend to remain the latter for most of the time? I don't want to be a flaky, unreliable person, yet that's what I am even to myself. So far I lack the strength to moderate or even my mood from day to day, so I can hardly depend on myself, not knowing what will come next. Every time a goal is left unfulfilled, or even initiated I am that much more beaten down into the submission that I will never accomplish it, that I am nothing more than a burden for others to bear...
I promise I am not as disconsolate as this sounds. I'm just introspective on a not-so-great day. I'm not in the depths of despair. I could turn around tomorrow and make it a great day, heading for a momentum of a different kind- it's just that much harder each day that I put it off... It's so hard to muster the energy for positive living sometimes.

{f.y.i. this kind of post doesn't even warrant comments. Merely writing as a journal-therapy-self-talk kinda thing. that's all.}


Anonymous said...

I don't know how I always know, but isn't it a blessing I do? AND- the UN is totally real.

I am glad you are surfacing even if it is just to blog it out. First things first- you NEED to figure out the med thing, taking them that is. All the other goals and ups and downs and lefts and rights that you take will keep happening while you go back and forth.

I can see this going on and on and me lecturing- so I will take my thoughts and direct them to you in another forum :)

michelle said...

yep, I was just wondering the same thing! Called your home and cell. And I second Hannah, you do NEED to figure out making sure you get your meds. I want you to be on an upward swing!

Diana said...

I too was wondering. I intended to call you last night but I thought no she'll want some time with Timm. Sorry I wasn't more receptive to the spirit prompting me to call you!
I will be the third to say, stay on your meds. I can understand why you wouldn't want to take them but if they help then take them!
I love you and miss you!

Beatrix Kiddo said...

I miss you too. And I feel exactly this same way as of late: "I don't understand how I am capable of seeing such beauty in small, everyday sights and occurrences, yet instead of being uplifted or inspired, I am so often wistful and hurt that I don't feel the optimism"

I've been in a funk lately too. Mine has been longer than a day though :( I hope yours gets better tomorrow. I wish I had a munster with me. My neighbors dogs just don't do.

Karli said...

thinking about you lots today. will e-mail you later.


Robin said...

*sending a hug via the internets*

Yeah, that's just not the same.

Anyways, I can honestly relate to a lot of the things you said in this post. I really don't get into despairing, depressed sort of funks too often. But I can definitely relate to the apathetic, unmotivated funks. That happens to me more than I care to say, and it's pretty frustrating.

I know I have been pretty lame about being a good friend in terms of calling/emailing and such, for which I am always saying "idiot!" to myself. But I hope you know that I am thinking of you, and missing you all the time Jessie. (:

And the companionship of 2 AWESOME cats couldn't be anything BUT a comfort. I miss those guys too, and I can imagine there is a void in Dobby's heart where my hair used to be. ;)

Jill said...

I think the Uterine Network is a great name for what we women do for each other and for that 6th sense that we get about each other. I'm glad you've got a network looking out for you.

I'm sorry you don't know how you'll be feeling from one day to the next, but if it's medication related then it sounds like you can't afford to let your prescription lapse for even a day or so, was that just an oversight? Get to the pharmacy right away!

mother said...

I've been a bit concerned ever since Linda said she didn'[t see you on Sunday....this would be a good time to RIGHT now hook up with a new can't afford to wait until it's critical. Start interviewing! I got your message today, but had a crazy day with every irritating customer surfacing....I am planning on flying into Charlotte on Oct. 3 in the evening.I willhave to go to High Point Thurs. Fri. and Saturday. I think that is Conference weekend....I'm sad about that.

I have something fun to send that cheer you up!

You are in my prayers--are you in yours? Love and miss you.

Claudissima said...

wow Jessie although I do not know you much, I am in awe of all the love that you do have from your family and close friends. I love the poetic tone you use on your posts...and makes me want to capture what it is you are trying to say or going through. I do have days like that where I frankly could care less what goes on with the rest of the world...but at the same time feel invisible am I...I think only to ourselves in these desperate times

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