Am I that predictable?

I just got this email from Hannah:
" You've fallen off the radar a bit- just want to see how things are."
Which led me to ask myself 2 things: 1-How does she always know? and 2- Am I that predictable? Answers: Probably the 'UN' at work, and Yes, I think so.
('UN': the Uterine Network-coined by my girl friends and I. -Diana, Hannah, Robin, and I, right?-It has proven to be very real and also very useful.)
This is a picture I took out of my windshield while Erin was driving on one of our final days of the road trip. ( I miss you, Erin...) I love the rain- I love the drops that stand still and clear while the rest of the world whirls by, blurred by our schedules and unnecessarily complicated lives still washed anew in rainfall. It seems I see much of my life this way, focused on the near-sighted vision of inadequacies, failures, inability and sadness-never looking beyond to what may be if I shift my focus. I seem unable to do so at times like this.
I am not 'depressed' per Se, or even sad at this moment. More like apathetic, and unmotivated. That's not really any better though, since it seems to inevitably turn sour and plunge me into a downward spiral that is oh so hard to climb up from. The catalyst to this turn? It could be the missing of pills for 2 days (that's all it takes unfortunately...) combined with the loneliness brought on by slowing down and realizing that the world goes on without me while I comfort myself with the companionship of my cats.
I don't understand how I am capable of seeing such beauty in small, everyday sights and occurrences, yet instead of being uplifted or inspired, I am so often wistful and hurt that I don't feel the optimism. I think it is some of that ultra-sensitivity I have too all things emotional, that I can recognize the peace but tend to feel the desperation much more strongly. Am I doomed to repeat these cycles, these ups and downs that tend to remain the latter for most of the time? I don't want to be a flaky, unreliable person, yet that's what I am even to myself. So far I lack the strength to moderate or even my mood from day to day, so I can hardly depend on myself, not knowing what will come next. Every time a goal is left unfulfilled, or even initiated I am that much more beaten down into the submission that I will never accomplish it, that I am nothing more than a burden for others to bear...
I promise I am not as disconsolate as this sounds. I'm just introspective on a not-so-great day. I'm not in the depths of despair. I could turn around tomorrow and make it a great day, heading for a momentum of a different kind- it's just that much harder each day that I put it off... It's so hard to muster the energy for positive living sometimes.

{f.y.i. this kind of post doesn't even warrant comments. Merely writing as a journal-therapy-self-talk kinda thing. that's all.}