Thursday, August 16, 2007

State of Jessie report

So how am i?
Well, right now I have primer and paint adhered to nearly every surface of my body. It is in my hair, splattered all over my hands, cemented to my cuticles and fingers, the bottoms of my feet, soaked through my clothes to my skin, and occasionally streaked across my face from when I wiped sweat from my brow.
My face is more broken out than I remember in recent years. Real red angry ones. I attribute it to the constant profuse sweating. Apparently this is the hottest summer on record for about 100 years. Great timing. That combined with the near-constant manual labor I have performing equals an angry complexion.
I have yesterday's eye makeup smeared on my face still. I haven't gone to bed earlier than 1 am in as long as I can remember, and usually collapse in exhaustion, too tired to wash my face, and always regretting it the next day. The very act of putting makeup on yesterday was a feat in and of itself since it seems so pointless and steals time away from the aforementioned manual labor. I have not blow-dried my hair since we've been here. When I put on makeup it is smeared and dripping off of my face within the hour. I go from air-conditioned house to air-conditioned car to air-conditioned stores all the while cursing the heat that causes my clothes to stick so desperately to my skin.
I have been eating fast food for nearly every meal since we left town. It is expensive, it is not very good, and it is contributing to my ever-expanding body and ever-dwindling confidence. I have not yet gone grocery shopping for more than the very necessitates like milk for Bella.
Right now I am wearing my 8 year-old BYU t-shirt, stained in hair dye, sweat, paint, and Smegelization. It has been a uniform of sorts.
Timm has been out of town for 2 weeks. I had a 4-day visit from my parents when we painted the whole house (more on that later) and Timm came home for about a day and a half last weekend, but other than that, it has been Bella and I alone, exploring our new surroundings and restyling this house. I am tired of being a solo-parent. I am tired of heaving heavy furniture from room to room by myself as I try to determine the best placement. I am tired of painting-everyday, alone. I am tired of the slow progress that seems to be made while I try and complete all of these many projects alone. I am tired of Timm having my cell phone so I can't make free calls to Shell whenever I get the notion, and free nighttime minutes to call my not-in-the-least forgotten friends, no matter how slow my correspondence has been. I am tired of only talking to Timm for a few minutes each night as I rehash my complaints and fatigue.
I am tired of my house looking like we just moved in yesterday even though I have been conscientiously slaving away at it. I am tired of sweeping the mass of detritus off of the bed each night so I can fall into it, alone.
On a bad day I feel stranded and alone, missing the world that continues to revolve without me in Utah, all of my friends still communing, minus me. I feel desperately haggard and embarrassed at my state-both myself, my house, Bella, and my total lack of schedule and discipline. I am spending way too much money on gross food and home improvement items both necessary and completely frivolous.
On a good day I feel excited and exhilarated at the newness of this life- the opportunities for change, renewal, nurturing our little family, and the pride in home-ownership. I feel strong and loved by all those we left behind in our car, but not in our hearts. I love the creativity that comes along with the stress and financial burden of nesting our new little home. I feel a kinship with those I love that will not be hindered by miles or lack of time spent together. I dream of visits to Utah and visits from loved ones here, so I can share this new life with them.
I am happy. I am just tired and lonely. Timm comes back tonight, relieving some loneliness and the impatience of parenting a very intense child alone. With him comes the cell phone-my life line to friends and family.With him also comes the help and support in acclimating to our new house and environment. With his return hopefully we can all resume a more normal routine, schedule, and family life. (Never having had much 'family time', I'm not even sure what that will hold.)
I am blogging for the first time since our arrival, and that's something. Yesterday I sent a big load of good mail to most of my loved ones. I am taking the much-needed time out to reconnect, even before things in my environment are 'perfect'.
I miss so many people, but I am excited for what lies before us. Even more excited if we have some visitors to share it with!
I think I am back.
That is how I am doing.
Pictures to follow.


Beatrix Kiddo said...

Well, I'm glad you're still alive ;)

charlotte said...

I'm so glad to here from you! Things will calm down and fall into place soon enough, especially with Timm back. I'm excited to see pictures and send Timm and Bella my love!

Diana said...

Jessie I wish so much I could come help you. I miss you so terribly. I wish I could call you, lou has the cell phone every day and then at night I figure it's too late your time. Glad Timm gets home today.

dpw said...

I hope you soon feel more settled. I hate that living-out-of-boxes-and-surrounded-by-fast-food-trash feeling. I can't wait to see what paint colors you and your mom selected. Post pictures--soon!

michelle said...

Ditto to what Denise said! I can totally understand the mixed feelings -- the excitement, the loneliness, everything all wrapped up together. I'm sure everything will look better with Timm home. And remember, you don't have to do everything at once! (Although I'm sure you want to.)

Anonymous said...

I love this post. It is so you and so how you have sounded on the phone but totally unloaded. I hope you feel so much better getting it all out. Timm home is going to make a big difference. The mixed feelings are so understandable- then add that you are trying to do it all at once on top of that! I have much to tell you- MUCH! I will call you tonight or tomorrow.

mom said...

Whoa! that's a lot to digest at one time!!!But so Jessie. I can relate to all of your frustrations and passion at the same time, it's pretty much a part of my life all ofthe time,if not for my own projects, my clients! I think beginning to eat home food (even easy smart meals...) will help you to feel more in control. Get a few grocerys and plan the simplest things, use a rotisere chicken! Find some cookbooks and a little space to prepare a homecooked meal. Do you have any of the quick and easy 20 minute meals from WW?
I have lots to talk to you about, I'll call you later! Love you.

mom said...

Btw, it makes me feel like we're in the same hemisphere to comment right after Denise!

Robin said...

Yay, I was so happy to see some new "material" from you when I got home from San Francisco. (: I can only imagine the amount of feelings/thoughts you are experiencing right now...but I am glad to hear that progress is being made, and hear everything going on with you. I love that about you - you aren't afraid to show how you are really feeling. An aspect of you I definitely admire, as that can be really difficult for me. (:

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