Hidden Underbelly of Home Ownership

Home ownership is awesome. I mean, we have no more apartment number, no shared walls or ceilings, we don't have to have designated parking spots, a patch of grass, or nearly 360 degree views of parking lots and a line of vision into other people's apartments and their mundane lives. We don't have to retrieve our mail with a key, keep the music down, and we rarely use the term 'landlord' any more.
However.
Every other homeowner failed to warn us of an aspect we would have no way of knowing about otherwise, and thus no retort or recourse. I am talking about salesman. I don't know what else to call them.

First it was a couple of months ago when I completed a short telephone survey about our water, and thus received a free water test. The Caller ID said Carolina Water Systems, and based on that and their questions, I naively assumed that it was the City of Charlotte, and it's water service we were discussing. So I scheduled our water test for one evening, prepared for a few minutes, half hour at best with a city serviceman equipped to merely assess the quality of our drinking water. Oh, we got a lot more than I bargained for. Who really came to our door was a charming representative of 'Rain Soft' water treatment company. We all sat down at the table and reviewed a 3-ring binder version of a power point presentation on way more than I care to know about our water, what's in it, and what it's doing to us. Then he carts in his various testing materials and proceeds through various tests designed to accurately portray the veritable poison that we wash our bodies, brush our teeth, and cook our food with. It was a very convincing demonstration. I learned how much soap was still in the laundry I had just done, how much soap I was wasting, how my tap water was stripping the natural oils from my skin and leaving a residue on my hair, shower, and anything else it came in contact with. We took a sip of his treated water and thought 'ok, whatever it tastes like water.' Oh, but then we had a sip of our own, untreated water. This time I could smell the chlorine. Afterwards he told us to run our tongue over our front teeth and tell him what it felt like- sandpaper! My teeth suddenly felt gritty and dirty having had the first taste of truly clean water in my life. I was convinced that I simply could not go on drinking my sandpaper water, wasting my money on soap products, and washing my hair with those contaminants ever again. (After all, he had promised no more bad hair days with the new water.) We had to have this system. So tell us, what's it going to cost us to save ourselves from a slow poisoning from within?
Our charming representative then gives another presentation on various payment options for this fine system. He calculates how much money we will be saving on soap products, and issues us a grocery-coupon program that could save us hundreds every month! Not being able to afford to pay it outright or put it on a credit card, we look at monthly installments over the next 5- 10 years. He actually has us considering this! What could I do? It was an investment in the health of my family. He went back and forth with his supervisor on the phone to work out a deal with us. I was waiting to hear 'So what's it going to take to get you into this fine model today?' 2 hours later he leaves and as soon as the door is safely shut behind him I breathe: 'I'm so glad we didn't buy any water.' before I even realized that I thought that. It was as if once he left and took his apparatus with him, the power or force with which we were bewitched departed also. Suddenly I could breathe easier, I wasn't afraid to say 'No' to the nice gentleman, and I didn't have any 10-year payment plans set up. Whew. That was a close one. (Although we weren't completely withdrawn from the idea, as his business cards is stuck to a remote area of my fridge, just in case anything changes...) Lesson learned.
Then two days ago a nice girl was going door-to-door to advertise various home improvement services and asked if we were interested in any of them. I had vague interest in a gutter guard system, as ours seem to be in pretty bad shape and we haven't had a chance to clean them yet. Next thing I know, Timm is on board and we have an appointment with someone to give us a quote. Or so I thought. This time it's Dan from Gutter Guardian- another very nice and likable fellow. We walk around the exterior of the house and he is equipped with only a flashlight. Then he goes to get something in his car. Nest thing I know we are all seated at the kitchen table, me wrenched from my Tuesday night ironing, having just gotten Bella to bed. Out comes the 3-ring binder power point on the thrilling topic of gutters, the debris that collects in gutters, and the many inventions that have failed to solve this problem in the past. We see 8 different examples of past attempts that he tries to affix to his gutter and reveal the shortcomings. As time goes on- and it was much more time than necessary to assert his rather simple point-I realize that this is again, much more than I bargained for. I thought someone would simply put a galvanized metal mesh thingee over our gutters and call it a day. You don't need presentations and demonstrations for just a metal thingee. Oh no, we learned all about the 'Smart Clip' technology and the many advances and innovations made to the gutter industry. Once again we had to discuss payment options that included a 4-year monthly installment. Timm seemed really excited about it. I was less thrilled than with the Water of Life, but regarded it with some interest as it was an asset to the home. Timm is enthusiastically signing us up for installation pending in early January with the option to change our minds so that we could lock in the discount offered only that night. Once again, 2 hours later, it is 10 o'clock and Timm and I are seeing this wonderful gentleman out the door. Before Timm has even closed the door he says 'I'm definitely saying No.' ?!@#$!
In summary, I wish someone had made us aware of the salesman vultures waiting to descend upon us, picking on our naivete like carrion. I'm not allowing anyone else into our home, I'm not saying yes to anything, and no we don't need the Charlotte Observer/yard care service/dog walker/ house painting/ roofing or any of the other service offers that have been extended to us these last 3 months. No, thank you.

Pre-Halloween Festivities

Incidentally, I love our neighborhood. I've never lived anywhere that did so many organized activities and traditions together. I love the feeling of neighborliness and friendliness. They (someone?) did a little sneaky treat drop off where (unfortunately kind of like a chain letter-) you had to make 3 copies and then reciprocate to others in the neighborhood. You then had to tape the little 'Boo" sign to your door to indicate that you had already received it and for 'them' to pass on by. Little I know, but I enjoyed driving around the neighborhood inspecting all the front doors to see who had participated in this little scheme. I felt like we were in on something.
Our neighborhood did a Trick or Treating night on Saturday since it was the last non-school night before the actual Halloween. We debated whether we should take Bella since we are 'Trunk or Treating' at church on Halloween, but of course we had to take her. It just sneaked up on me since it was so many days before the actual Halloween.She was a 'Princess Witch' for lack of a better name. It is a Target costume since I still lack the sewing skills I desire. She was very cute. I bought these children's tights that were 'One size fits most' and they were enormous. We put them on her over her shoes since we didn't have any matching shoes. When we were undressing her for bed, Timm performed an experiment.
Here she is appeasing our request, though you can tell she is nearing her limit. (If you look closely, that 'smile' is very near the crossover to crying. Also note the unspent tears in her eyes.)

Now she is imploring me for help...

Now she's feeling rejected that I didn't assist her but rather encouraged it further while taking pictures-

And now it's too much. She's broken. It's time to put the camera away and pull down her tights. Ha.

And now for something completely different..

(That was an obscure Monty Python reference, BTW.)

This is so random, but a brief recap of...oh, the month so far. That's how slow and uneventful my life is out here- i can recap a month in a couple of paragraphs and an equal number of pictures.Timm and I, out on a date! Following my last post I think he determined that I needed a break, something to lift my spirits- and actually getting out of the house with Timm and without child-that was a treat. Luckily I felt up to it.
Several people expressed concern after that post, be in online or otherwise, which I appreciate. However, I feel like I need to better define what this depression consists of. That post, and all of the feelings I expressed are not at all uncommon. That night I did feel particularly disheartened, but in the revolving door of this malady it always comes back to that. Hence my desperation at times, because it seems that if it's not already at my door, it is just lurking around the corner with brief respites. The bizarre thing is that the next morning I felt almost completely recovered. I woke feeling refreshed and content. I couldn't decide whether to feel hopeful or freaked out by that sudden change in feeling. It seemed like such a reversal overnight that it was slightly alarming at how quickly I can 'switch'. Nevertheless I was grateful. It wasn't until this week sometime that it occurred to me that maybe it was a blessing because of so many prayers on my behalf by those who love me. That was a comfort. This week continues to proceed as usual- each day a struggle to find energy, purpose and fulfillment, but so far so good. Each day I am faced with the same choices and sometimes submit to the easiest choice of acquiescence.
Bella, wearing my Sunday shoes. She has an affinity for shoes like I do, no matter how perilously high they might be. These are particularly tricky, but she does very well in them! She also has the stance down pat.
I am continuing to love our Moosey girl. I think she is the perfect dog for our family, but Timm reminds me that she is the perfect dog for me. She is very nearly faultless. She is my constant companion and easy to have around.
Grandma was able to visit for a couple of days earlier this month when she was in town for the High Point market. You gotta love this picture. Great lighting, freshly bathed with neat hair and a Sunday dress- with her finger squarely inserted in her nose.
Of course Bella was delighted to have her around, and the two brief days seemed longer with all we had a chance to do. Even better is to be with Grandma and Linda, her favorite local. Linda is my mom's friend of about 20 years and she lives in Charlotte. She and her family are our go-to for any question we have pertaining to anything in our new lives here! Bella loves everyone in their family and lists them all by name. She loves to sit with them at church, go 'jumpy-jumpy' at their house, go to lunch with Linda, and basically be adored and fussed over by Linda, Paul and their three children still at home. it also has it's benefits for me.
And that's about it for the month of October. More of the same-riding the waves of depression, trying to tally more good days than bad. I still have no real friends though I continue to be busy helping with crafty church activities, so at least people know who I am. I haven't had a social experience with anyone outside of my home or at church since we moved 3 months ago. I'd love to have a friend to scrap with or anything... even if they have to be imported.

Hey- you asked for it.

i guess it's come to this- I must sit, think, and process these thoughts. Give them a more concrete place than mere flittings through my mind, impossible to catch and nail down. I think maybe I avoid doing just this so that the things bothering me stay like shadows in the background- always distracting me but not giving them the importance to be front-and-center. As I draw these thoughts out of the shadows, just remember: (Some of...) You asked for it.
What it boils down to is this: I am stuck.
I don't know how else to explain it- Every aspect of my life is stuck, set on 'survive' only. Obviously this depression is chronic-ongoing. Sometimes I seem to manage it well, but unfortunately the momentum never seems to last long. However, when I submit to a 'bad day' those gather speed and momentum rapidly. One day bleeds into the next again and again until I can't remember the last 'good day' I had. Essentially this can leave little motivation for me to plod on-knowing that my good days seem to gather no strength, while one single bad day appears to have the power to bring me to my knees for an indeterminable length of time. You may think that would give motivation to simply not succumb to a bad day, seemingly giving way to a flood of them. Well in theory, that sounds great. The problem is sometimes it takes such great force and energy to overcome the temptation to submit that I simply don't feel up to the task. It seems I have a limited reserve available- Having several productive days in a row, or sometimes just a solitary busy day leaves me drained and in need of a 'break'. (read: stay at home day which turns 'bad' and fuels that period of lows.)
The Cliffs Notes version: I can't ever seem to get a leg-up on this depression. In fact, I have been taking quite a back-slide lately, since that is unfortunately easy to do. A span of so many bad days can only lead one direction...

I am standing still, or slowly sinking in every aspect of my life. No exaggeration. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally, Socially, Domestically, Creatively....I'm sure there are more. I can't remember the last time I did something that made me proud of myself. If I can think of something, it is something so mundane and typical for everyone else on earth that i then feel even dumber for being proud of such a 'non-achievement.'
Now the problem I face is the monumental one of complete change- I don't know where to begin or if I am even capable. I overwhelm myself with the enormity and numerousness of the things I lack, or habits I want to acquire that I am paralyzed before I ever begin. I try to break down a problem into it's parts to map out a step-by-step approach, but one step seems ludicrous in it's inability to solve anything so before I know it I see the vastness of the problem in front of me again and am once again, paralyzed. I don't feel like I know how to crawl out of this hole, and even if I did succeed that, how to stay out. I think that's why I am daunted, because I can't see the point if I am to just fall back down again. I am so weary of trying, yet I know it is worth anything to be 'well'- I suppose I just lack the perspective to see that possibility. How do I get myself out of this?
When I was first 'diagnosed' with depression about 7 years ago, I did not feel the stigma of my 'condition' nor the stigma associated with taking medication. Presently, I feel a little differently. Now I feel stigmatized by my inability to manage my depression. I know having depression isn't my fault, but my continual failure at managing it is. In these 7 years I have been taking medication, seeing a psychiatrist, at times a therapist, read countless self-help books on depression, and suffered through more lows than I thought possible. I have weathered some very big disappointments during this time and come through better than I would have thought possible. I have had very many wonderful and happy times, some of the best in my life since I have been married, yet I am always reminded of one thing: the present state I am in that seems all too familiar. The fleeting highs gone before I have a grasp on them, mourning their loss as I begin another low period whose end is not in sight. The revolving door of my 'situation' is so tiresome that sometimes giving in to it sounds like the best option. By far the easiest choice is to give in and let it overtake me. However, I am sound enough to know that this is not the most rewarding option. It is really no option at all I guess since I continue to have the will to fight. I don't know where to begin, I don't know how to gain any momentum and hold it.

No responses necessary. (Some of) you wanted to know the details of my life out here, and these are they, in all of their boredom, tedium, and self-indulgence. Please bear with me, the majority of people who do not know what I am talking about and hear only whining. It is not intended as such. And please no urgent calls or emails or other forms of outreach, thinking I am in a fragile state. Not at all. Apathetic is more like it. And that's that in my life in NC right now.

Seriously.

Unfortunately this is the best picture of this book I could load-

'Build your own lasers, phasers, ion ray gun & other working space-age projects'
Timm just bought this online and received it in the mail yesterday. It's for real. He's not kidding. He is way more of a geek than I thought. I can only think of one person reading this that may appreciate it.- That's right: Robin.

Canine SP

So here are a couple of dog SP's I took yesterday when I was dressed in all of my Sunday finery. She hasn't yet learned about posing yet, as you can tell by my hand forcibly bringing her face into view. She'll get it eventually. I hope.

The lack of blogging is due to two things: Having nothing of interest or import to discuss, and having only things that are weighty and thoughtful to ponder. I haven't been in the mood to really sit and write out a lot of what I am thinking or feeling lately. Which is pretty much all that goes on in my life- what I am thinking or feeling. Soon I discipline myself to talk myself through a few things, via the internet. For now, it's dog pics.

Incidentally, we are loving her. I guess I should say I am loving her. Timm enjoys her when she's relaxed and lounging with us. Oh, and we changed her name to Moose. This is because Bella pronounced 'Lucy' as 'Moosey'. I thought it was cuter, so now her name is Moose with all of the nicknames and extensions that come from it.
*Sigh. I will try to put my thoughts on paper, er-keyboard. I can't guarantee it will be any more interesting than dog pictures. There is a lack of inspiration in my life lately, but it might be eeking back.

Yen Fulfilled

That's right, folks. Timm loves me enough to give into this yen that he would otherwise live out his entire life without ever indulging. Timm is not an 'animal person', I suppose, never having had pets as a child, but he has adapted wonderfully since meeting me! Me let me get my dog!

Meet LUCY.
(Somehow even though Timm claims not to care about them, he has gotten to name all of our pets, including Lucy.)

Let me spotlight her a little bit. I will not be offended if you skip this one. I can only think of a few people that would actually care.
I think I made the perfect choice, and I do not regret it a bit! Hopefully Timm can say the same. I would say that Timm seems to like her, but he would correct me and say something along the lines of, he tolerates her. EIther way, she definitely likes him.
Lucy is most likely a Puggle (a Pug/Beagle mix) but may have some Boston or other Terrier in her.

This is a very pixelated picture of a Black Pug.

Again, with the pixelation!! This is a Boston Terrier.

Pixelated Beagle.

Anyway- Back to my dog. I got her from a rescue group in Tennessee, and she is only a year old. I used to think that I only wanted a puppy, because puppies are cute, and everyone wants to enjoy the puppy part of a dog's life, I want it to be acclimated to our cats and Bella etc.- Well, in this instance I was wrong. I reminded myself just how much work a puppy can be. I revisited the long and frustrating house-training process, the chewing, the infancy-like dependence... If you get a mix breed like I was looking to do, you can never be quite sure what you are getting. It may end up being much larger that you intended, or have a breed in it that makes it hyper! You can't really identify these things until the dog has grown a bit-So I am SO glad that I got a young dog instead of a puppy! It makes me question whether I will ever get a puppy again. At one year old, she is very young and spry with many years ahead of her, but she's full-grown at just under 17 pounds. She came to me crate-trained, pretty well-mannered, socialized, and best of all: HOUSETRAINED! House-training is such an arduous task and I am glad to be rid of it.
She's very affectionate and likes to be a lap pup when allowed. She follows me everywhere- One room to the next, sometimes one step tot he next. She wants praise and attention more than anything (you might say she has a 'compulsive need for praise.') and is very eager to please. She listens very well, and learns quickly. I don't think she has had any prior training since she was saved from the shelter, but she seems to instinctively know what I want her to do. Today we took her to the vet and on the way home I had to run into the grocery store for a minute. I cracked the windows and told her to stay. She didn't try to make a run for it when I had the van door opened, and while checking out, Bella had grabbed my keys and inadvertantly opened the back of the van. When I realized as we got out side, I ran to the van to see if she had bolted. Quite the contrary- she was nowhere near the back hatch. She was sitting waiting eagerly in the front seat.

With even a glance in her direction she starts wilding flapping her tail. This is perfectly acceptable since it is small, thus avoiding the 'tail of destruction' phenomenon we see in the larger dogs. Say... a Lab. She is the perfect size- small, but not too small. She fits on your lap and can go anywhere with you, but she is not so small that she can't get up or down the furniture, or into the car, or a step for that matter. She is not small enough to be easily hurt by a misstep and big enough not to be scared of little kids. She doesn't have a hint of aggression in her- she doesn't seek after Bella, but she is totally fine with her. She is intrigued with the cats, as they are her (especially Smeagle.). I was afraid that she might chase the cats, but several times now I have seen her running down the hall whimpering with Smeagle in close pursuit. They are at a point where they can come face to face without any claws drawn, most of the time. Twice now Smeagle has let Lucy lick him extensively from the neck up. I predict they will be cuddling in no time.
I didn't hear a single bark for the first three days, but when someone came to the door, she let 'em have it. She is usually called off easily, or as soon as I let them in and recognizes a potential new friend. She doesn't have a yappy bark either, so she's a good watch dog.
She has plenty of energy to play, but she's not spastic. So far a walk and some rough play in or out in the yard seems sufficient for her. She loves to run in the back yard, but we're still trying to learn where the boundaries of our property lay. Without being hyper or obnoxious, she is able to keep up with anything we may do and loves a good wrestle on the floor. I think I have sufficiently extolled most of her virtues, so expect more and better pictures of the newest member of our family. I think I found the perfect pup.

(to show scale :)