Thursday, February 28, 2008

Not Again...


So last night I had the first, but probably not the last, disturbing dream about this new baby. I'm sure every pregnant woman has these fears and thoughts either in the fore-front or the back of her mind, but apparently mine run deep. I don't feel any abnormal apprehension about the health of safety of this baby- more of a 'what are the chances?' kind of attitude that I've had my share of heartache in this area and am likely to be passed over this time. But, my subconscious proves otherwise.
True to the nature of pregnancy dreams, this was very vivid and very startling. As far as I can recall now that the details have fuzzed over a little bit, I awoke in the hospital, unaware of what I was doing there. Turned out that I was a lot farther along than I thought, and I had delivered my baby, a girl, at something like 24 weeks. I remember that she weighed 4 pounds, which is pretty amazing for a 24-week old baby. I didn't know that I had delivered, let alone why, and was angry that they couldn't, or didn't stop the labor. The nurses kept hedging me and talking in circles until I screamed 'What happened?!?!' and then they told me that my baby died. She had lived for a few hours, but was too small to survive. (Apparently I was unconscious or something, due to the emergency state of things.)
I was sobbing and inconsolable, and I demanded to be taken to her. For some reason in the dream, instead I held a small plaster cast of her body. I just remember wailing: "Not again! I can't do this again! Not again....."
The fact that like Lola, there was no discernible reason for her death was alarming as well. It woke me from my sleep and I was obviously disturbed by it. Bella's pregnancy was plagued with these kinds of dreams. I hope I'm not in for that this time- I thought I was past that stage. Old habits die hard, I guess. I will refrain however, from choosing this baby's burial clothes in advance.
Only half-kidding.
Sorry, this came out more dismal than I intended! It's a good thing our subconscious is kept in the background, eh?

13 comments:

michelle said...

Oh no! That is too sad. I hope this pregnancy is a lot easier in that regard, you should not be plagued with dreams of this nature. But the baby in the dream was a girl, eh?

Diana said...

First off that is such a tender picture. I really love it. You look beautiful. (like always)

I'm so sorry about your disturbing dream. That just sounds awful. I had very weird dreams when I was pregnant but non based on anything that had ever happened to me in real life. I'm so sorry that you'd have to experience those feelings even in a dream.

Hannah said...

Nightmare! I hope this whole pregnancy isn't riddled with dreams of that nature. Before you go to bed each night- repeat happy, healthy baby thoughts. It seriously worked for me with Kaylee's pregnancy dreams most of the time!

Mother said...

Grandmothers sometimes have similar dreams and/or thoughts . How greatful I am to know The Spirit and the power of his comfort.

Call up those memories.

charlotte said...

I'm sorry you're having such scary dreams! That's no good at all. I hope things for your sleep improve soon--love the picture of you and Bella by Lola's grave :)

Amy said...

Oh Jessie, what a horrible thing to have to experience during a pregnancy. I feel so sad for you. I think you should take Hannah's advice. The mind is an incredible thing. I even believe we can influence our dreams if we really want to. That and some pretty serious praying before bed. Sorry Jessie--my thoughts are with you.

Mom said...

And, by the way, you look way skinny there!

Love you so....

Robin said...

Oi, I hope this pregnancy isn't riddled with these kinds of dreams for you too :( So sorry you had such a frightening dream - those really vivid, realistic ones are the worst.

Sending good sleeping thoughts your way!

Bridget said...

I am so sorry that you had that nightmare. If you are like me it takes me a while to wake up and realize that it was just a dream. I too like Hannah's advice-think happy thoughts! I am excited to have fond out that you are pregnant! You and the baby are in my prayers : )

Beatrix Kiddo said...

Ok, sad post, and touching picture, but you look so cute in it. Just had to say that.

rmt said...

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, Jess. Dreams can be so real and so disturbing. I'll pray for you.

I miss you. And ditto to what everyone else said: love the picture, and you look beautiful.

Jill said...

This is highly disturbing but totally understandable. I think once anything like this happens to us or to someone we're close to then it's impossible not to think about it and fear it. It's good that your subconscious is processing these feelings for you. I hope writing about it helps put an end to these dreams.

Mom said...

It's been a while......what's up?

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