Friday, June 27, 2008

4 Years

Today was Lola Jane's 4th Birthday. It's hard to know what to say, except the obvious. It was a hard day. I've never been pregnant over her birthday, and it makes a difference. It's never a great day, and comes with varying degrees of emotion, mourning, and reflection. In anticipation of this day I was already a little nervous, though very grateful that I am here in Utah to commemorate it. When she died we decided to bury her in the Orem cemetery because of it's proximity to Shell's house (only a couple of blocks). We didn't know where we would end up, but knew that Shell would likely be here for a while. I'm glad we did. I'm also glad that I had Shell here to share the burden with. Timm and Shell were the only ones present when we found out that she had died, and also some of the very few who held her.{My 3 girls.}
Being pregnant again on this emotionally-charged day was a challenge. Knowing I am carrying another girl made it a bit too close to home as well. Surging hormones brought all of my fears, disappointments, and heartaches to the surface. It was surreal to think that it had been four years- that I was there with my 3-year old little girl, and my newest little girl in utero. How did I get to be that person who would have 3 babies in 4 years? Unforeseen circumstances, I suppose.
Time has helped ease the wounds, and softened the raw edges of my pain, but the sting remains. Especially today. I know others will forget, that the memory and impact of her life and death with fade and even disappear for others, but for me- I will always remember. She will always be my baby girl, my first born, my sweetest baby girl who waits and watches over. The significance of her brief life is not diminished by the years or the fleeting time I held her.
Today I miss her, I love her, and I am forever grateful for her life and it's influence on mine. i would do it all again, but I hope I don't have to.

11 comments:

Hannah said...

This post is so beautiful. I LOVE the picture of you and the girls. Love it. You are an amazing woman and I feel lucky that you share so much of your life with me.

rmt said...

I can't believe that it has been four years! This post was so tender and I loved it. I am sure that Lola can feel how much you love her.

Diana said...

Jessie I love this post. You are so in tune with your emotions and feelings. It is a blessing that you were here for her birthday, I can only imagine the nervous feeling though. It's nice you could spend the day with Bella and Lola.

Jill said...

It's a blessing that you could be in Utah for this anniversary and that you could share it with Bella and Michelle.

Dad said...

Thanks for sharing your day, your thoughts, your memories. It brings back the memories that you live on a daily basis. It brought tears to my eyes to remember your experience. I admire your strength and courage. I also love my girls, and grand girls!

michelle said...

It was a tender day for sure, but it was healing for me to see you and Bella and your new baby all at Lola's grave. I'm glad you decided to bury her near my home and I think of her often. You're amazing to me and I sure hope you never have to endure anything like that again.

charlotte said...

Beautiful post, Jess. I so admire you for your strength and fortitude--you're an amazing mother.

Denise said...

I remember so well the day she was born. Thanks for sharing your poignant feelings. I love you!

Claudissima said...

You know Jessie, you don't know me personally, but just looking at that picture of you, with Lola and Bella made sense. Meaning that there is no time for Heavenly Father, maybe Lola is just in another dimension so close by and you and Bella are there in the present and Fiona is awaiting her birth watching over you and bella and doing a full circle with Lola. This is what the meaning of life is all in one foto. All together in heart and soul and separate by the flesh. You are an amazing girl and has a wonderful sister that loves you to pieces. Your family is precious.

emily said...

This is so beautiful. I love your family so much, and love the unity between you and your daughters. Your girls are so lucky.

Tasha said...

I know you would do it all again Jessie, but I more than hope you don't have to. I can't imagine the catharsis of this day, these three girls, this pregnancy, to combination of it. I am so glad it was to be shared with your dear sister.

Thank you for sharing this part of your soul with us.

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