4 Years

Today was Lola Jane's 4th Birthday. It's hard to know what to say, except the obvious. It was a hard day. I've never been pregnant over her birthday, and it makes a difference. It's never a great day, and comes with varying degrees of emotion, mourning, and reflection. In anticipation of this day I was already a little nervous, though very grateful that I am here in Utah to commemorate it. When she died we decided to bury her in the Orem cemetery because of it's proximity to Shell's house (only a couple of blocks). We didn't know where we would end up, but knew that Shell would likely be here for a while. I'm glad we did. I'm also glad that I had Shell here to share the burden with. Timm and Shell were the only ones present when we found out that she had died, and also some of the very few who held her.{My 3 girls.}

Being pregnant again on this emotionally-charged day was a challenge. Knowing I am carrying another girl made it a bit too close to home as well. Surging hormones brought all of my fears, disappointments, and heartaches to the surface. It was surreal to think that it had been four years- that I was there with my 3-year old little girl, and my newest little girl in utero. How did I get to be that person who would have 3 babies in 4 years? Unforeseen circumstances, I suppose.

Time has helped ease the wounds, and softened the raw edges of my pain, but the sting remains. Especially today. I know others will forget, that the memory and impact of her life and death with fade and even disappear for others, but for me- I will always remember. She will always be my baby girl, my first born, my sweetest baby girl who waits and watches over. The significance of her brief life is not diminished by the years or the fleeting time I held her.
Today I miss her, I love her, and I am forever grateful for her life and it's influence on mine. i would do it all again, but I hope I don't have to.