Tuesday, January 20, 2009

TMI: Self-Indulgent Musings...

This is after all, my blog, my journal, and if you can't be self-indulgent in that forum, where can you? I suppose that is the very definition of a journal come to think of it...
What's with me? I'm feeling stuck.
This all seems so familiar somehow- Perhaps something I felt approximately 1,277 days ago, or when Bella was about the same age as Fiona is right now. When Bella was born, I was so afraid of post-partum depression. Considering the rigorous battle depression gives me on a regular basis, the addition of post-baby hormones and the stresses of new motherhood seemed an ominous combination. I was pleasantly surprised when I seemed to handle it better than I expected or thought capable. For a couple of months anyway. No that it was easy, not that I felt like I adjusted particularly well or adeptly, but still better than I thought I would. Then after a few months my progress seemed to slow, things started to pile up around the house, my to-do list remained stagnant, my patience grew thin, perhaps I gained a few pounds, and I left the house less and less. A familiar routine for me since all of these are common symptoms of depression. Why? What happened? I was doing so well, and then suddenly... I wasn't. Well the same seems to have happened this go 'round. Fi is 4 months old and my house is a disaster, laundry is in several piles around the house and hasn't actually been folded and put away in a couple of weeks. I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting last Friday but have yet to actually commit myself to it since I didn't plan accordingly. I have yet to assume making regular dinners for my family, resume a regular cleaning routine, maintain any sort of regular routine for that matter. Dishes are piled around the kitchen, my grocery shopping still on the kitchen table, my laundry spread around the living room with the ironing board hopefully set up. My bed is unmade, my coupons not completely clipped or organized. I am participating in a yard sale with some friends this weekend and have yet to even begin assembling or readying my goods. And yet with all this piled up around me, here I sit watching American Idol, blogging, waiting for Timm to come home from work with a milkshake for me.
Why now? Why do I feel like I'm giving up now after 4 months of comparable success? It starts to accumulate in my consciousness making me think along the lines of: 'What am I good at? What am I good for? Why am I the way I am? Why is everyone in my life better than me, deserve better than me? Why does anyone like me? Why can't I do anything? Why can't I sustain anything or any achievement? Why am I so much less than everyone else? Why am I so much less capable than others? What redeeming qualities do I even have? How does anyone put up with me? Why can't I get it together? When will I? Will I?
What is the point of me?
Hmm.

13 comments:

shannon said...

Jessie...do not despair...Although we've only met once, I feel like I know you so well through the wonderful things that your mom and dad have said about you and from the sweet things Michelle has written about you...You are totally adored!!

You're profile description about yourself is well put..."I'm a wife and a mother who strives to exist beyond those definitions." Be good to yourself--You're doing great! You're striving to exist--we all are, and if in the process of the striving we have crappy days than just know that you are not alone...Seriously, who's NOT on Lexapro? Certainly not me...I struggle with mother guilt, double chins,jealousy of other's successes, feeling of low self-esteem, frustration that any task I do in the day (vacuuming, dishes etc.) can never be checked off my list because no sooner do I turn around when there's a huge mess to deal with again. I often feel like I'm sweeping a dirt floor.

Be good to yourself, my friend--
You've got your new cute look going on--you've got a beautiful family--a cute house--you're mind blowingly creative--and you've got great skin! What more could a girl want?

Get some sleep--sometimes things seem worse at night--at least I often find that to be the case for me. :)

Susan said...

This too shall pass. I guess that sounds trite, but considering I asked you directly just two weeks ago how you were handling things and you said "Great!", I know you can get back to that space. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's easy or it's not real, none of the above. I just know that it's possible to get back on track.

No need for me to tell you all the tricks of how to do it. Shannon, great advice. Thanks.

I, for one, don't know anyone who is more entertaining, creative, cute, hell-bent on whatever,or driven than you. Add a reliance on the Savior into that and I know you can do it.

I think it's really important for you to find a local Doctor that you feel comfortable with and have a professional to help you. Don't be so hard on yourself and have hope. Hey, haven't you been watching the news today??! It's a whole new world.......

michelle said...

It IS a whole new world! (and I don't even care if Mom was being facetious)

I cracked up over Shannon asking if anyone is NOT on Lexapro. Hee.

Take some of that flex spending money and go see a doctor. You might need to adjust your meds.

Other than that, pray! And know that, even on my darkest days, everything looks better in the morning. I'll pray for you, too.

rmt said...

Jessie, I'm so sad for you that you are feeling this way, in part because I can relate to so much of what you just said, and I know how much it hurts.

I don't have any amazing pearls of wisdom for you, but just remember that you won't always feel this way. It will pass. It always does.

Give yourself a little extra TLC, and be kind to yourself. You are an exemplary wife, mother, friend, person.

Robin said...

Hang in there Jessie (: Obviously I don't know exactly how you feel, but I can definitely relate to all the questions you are asking yourself. Just try to remember that there are many people who can answer those questions with basically "You're awesome" (:

charlotte said...

I obviously can't relate to these exact emotions, but what I do know is that those feelings of inadequacy, discouragement, and loss of identity all come from the Adversary; he wants us to feel that way, disconnected and diminished. While it is definitely hard to overcome such feelings, do know that it is possible, because that's the way our Father in Heaven designed his plan. It is always possible to overcome. You're amazing, Jess. Love you.

Molly Krauss Smith said...

Since I'm the only one lucky enough to live nearby and a "fixer" by nature, I hereby proffer the following options:
(A) Allow me to help you catch-up tomorrow afternoon (without my kids in tow)
(B) Let Bella stay after Joy School for lunch with Sebastian, so you can catch up on your cleaning or much-needed sleep
(C) All of the above

(Psst, pick C, pick C!)

linda said...

Jessie, I so love you and I need you! Remember I only got one daughter and will certainly take another! I will be by tomorrow with coupons and garlic and we can all go to lunch. I can always help with household chores as I am according to Blake the "laundry queen". Or I can take that sweet baby of yours for a few hours, bring her to my house and listen to my children fight over whose turn it is to hold her. I was just telling your mom when she was here how much I enjoy your company, so let's have lunch and I'll tell you what it's like to have teenagers, that is sure to cheer you up!

michelle said...

Oh, man, I love that Molly. And Linda!

Tasha said...

Look at your cheering section Jessie! Take your friends up on their offers. Take the help.

All of those questions in your mind about being enough and doing enough, that is the work of the adversary on a wonderful mother. He knows that if he bogs you down, you will not be what you are, which is wonderful.

Amy E said...

I think we can all relate to your feelings at some point or other in our lives. Have you read the book "I Am A Mother" by Jane Clayton Johnson? If not, please do. And if you have, re-read! She talks about these feelings we all have at times, and it can really be a boost when you're feeling down. Just look at all these comments, too. You have such awesome friends, Jessie! Friends who seem to ALWAYS comment on your musings, friends who will take you to lunch and listen to whatever you want to say, friends who love you deeply. Not only that, but an amazing family who supports you plus two adorable little girls to cuddle everyday. If I lived closer, I'd offer to come help out, too, but since I don't, I will offer a prayer in your behalf. Have a good day.

Susan said...

You have quite a support group!

A special thanks to Molly and Linda from "the mother".....

Claudissima said...

I wrote a long long thing and then blogger was not working and I lost it all....but one thing that had come to mind is that life is cyclical. I for sure finally starting to see the resemblance of them in my mood, life in general, mummy, wife, zapped....all of the above. It is interesting to see that since everything has a cycle maybe we do too...other than our own 28 one that for sure shows its symptoms...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...