Saturday, June 27, 2009

5 Years

It's hard to believe that Lola Jane would be 5 years old today.
The passage of time is such an odd and confusing concept- so long ago, a lifetime, myself a totally different person...yet how has 5 years passed already? What comprises 5 years of time? What experiences, challenges, changes, accomplishments, and shifts make up the entirety of 5 years of our lives? What has transpired to deliver us to who and where we are today?
So getting sealed in the temple, 5 more years of marriage, 2 more kids, graduating school, moving across country, buying our first house, getting a real job, starting a career,missing and connecting with loved ones, making and strengthening friendships...That has made up some of it.
This is the first year that I have not been in Utah on her birthday. It seems a bit strange, disconnected, but not necessarily depressing. Distant though.
We haven't done much today in remembrance- it's tricky because nobody else knows or remembers the significance of the day, a day that changed our lives, perspectives, and empathies forever. I don't' want to be macabre but I want to devote the proper reverence and appreciation it deserves. We are going to buy a flowering bush or tree that blooms this time every year as a beautiful reminder, perhaps a hydrangea since they grow so well here and I happen to adore them. Maybe replace an ailing camellia right next to our front door. We also got Cold Stone for a special treat which I am halfway regretting as we speak. I feel like I just spent an outrageous $12.84 (seriously-) to further derail my diet (post-vacation blues has done a number on me. It's been a week today.) and feel bloated and bad about myself. Woohoo. I decided that in years following I want to do a simple birthday cake. It's a simple, low-key, cheerful acknowledgement of the day, for what it should be. Celebration and remembrance.
I remember shortly after she died and I was wondering what life-purpose this experience held for me, since of course it's all about me, and I wondered if at least it would help me stay the course- if remembering that I had a perfect daughter in heaven waiting for me would inspire in me a lifetime of diligence and purposeful living. I don't know if that's true but I do reflect on it and sometimes wonder if I am making her proud. Most of the time I am afraid that I am not. I'm afraid that I would cause a lot of head-shaking, hand-wringing and sighs to say the least. I already fear disappointing those around me here on earth, let alone a perfect spirit watching my life and everything around me unfold in a frustrating ripple of oft-repeated mistakes. As I lamented this once to Michelle she reminded me that since I am a mortal I am not expected to be perfect...yet. I hope that's true as far as Lola is concerned, because otherwise I am surely a huge disappointment to my celestial daughter in heaven.
I wish I could believe that I must have inspired something worthy of mothering a perfect being like Lola, but I think instead she was born to me at least in part to inspire me to be worthy. Let me remember this throughout my life and perhaps I may prove worthy in the end.
I can't wait to meet her again. I know she is beautiful, awe-inspiring and I know she is amazing.
And I know she lives.

10 comments:

rmt said...

That was such a beautiful post, Jessie!
I can't believe it has been 5 years.

Jill said...

I can't believe it has been 5 years.

I think your whole family really bonded and grew over this experience, and if her death was to inspire you to live worthily than that's really something.

michelle said...

I too am mystified by the passage of time -- the way it seems long and short simultaneously -- but I heard someone say that since time is a mortal construct and we are eternal beings, it is a foreign concept. That made a lot of sense to me. But I digress...

I think it's a wonderful idea to plant something beautiful that flowers around Lola's birthday, and the birthday cake would make for a nice, simple celebration. Perfect.

Your last sentence made me teary.

Hannah said...

This is so beautiful. I love your idea to plant something to bloom around Lola's birthday and to make a simple cake for a simple celebration.

linda said...

I to love the idea of planting something that will bloom around your sweet girl's birthday. You are a wonderful mother to the 2 beautiful girls that you have and I know that Lola looks down and is pleased to see what a devoted mother you are! You have 3 very lucky little girls.

Fred said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am sure that Lola is proud of you and is also looking forward to a reuion with her kind and loving mother...

Susan said...

I likewise spent the day keenly aware of her birthday, and again today. Our lesson was on the celestial and other kingdoms(rememeber, I teach the 12 year old girls...) and we talked about Lola and your experience. I recounted how her death had motivated you to go to the Temple as soon as possible and also bore my testimony of her salvation in the hightest kingdom. We simply must be there too!

I look at her picture, and I'm sure that she looks like Bella and Fi!

I have had a special prayer in my heart for you all day and spent my own time in prayer expressing gratitude for what I have learned from her and from the example of you and Michelle through it all. You are amazing. I have no doubt that she is tenderly proud of your life and the person that you are and can't wait until she can be in your arms.

I know she lives and waits for us.

Susan said...

I had forgotten that June 27 was the day that the Prophet Joseph died too. When we learned about it in Primary today, I couldn't help but think that Lola was in good company.

Lola Jane Tanner. I can't wait to know her.

Karli said...

Whoa. This one just touched me so much. I had a few tears fall down my cheeks reading it. You are so eloquent-so good-so real. I love it. I know she'd be pleased with the progress that you are making in this life and in your quest to become worthy of making it back to her and our Heavenly Father. I have no doubts that you will reach your goals...and I too am grateful we don't have to be perfect yet. Thanks for this and I'm so happy to "know" you. (:

Diana said...

Heres a hug from me to you.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...