Unconventional Mother's Day Message

I am very critical.

Mostly inwardly.

I spend so much time analyzing and dissecting motives, outcomes and reasons it is exhausting. I can never just have a simple thought without trying to 'brain-map' the thought from an imaginary inception to an extrapolated conclusion. My mind is always abuzz with something- usually weighty, self-deprecating and inevitably counter-productive in it's circular and sometimes derisive patterns.I am relentlessly critical of myself and supply an endless source of guilt for myself on a wide expanse of topics, daily. If I wrote all I thought, I could fill libraries.

One thing I turn over and over in my mind largely without resolve is motherhood, and my capabilities and failures. Specifically I judge myself for the decision we have made not to have more children. (We have two living, and one deceased..) After all, I am Mormon. We are supposed to replenish the earth with children, right? And while the church doesn't dictate or even suggest how many children a couple should have, it is pretty heavily implied (culturally) that you should have at least a few. 3 seems to be a common minimum as long as there are no issues of health or infertility among married couples- thus, with our 2 living children, we fall one short of that expected minimum.

Heavenly Father wants us to raise children-happy children. Happy children who follow the Lord. He wants us to do our best to teach them love, virtue, charity and righteousness. He does not want us to raise throngs of children regardless of the outcome, so we need to do what we can do. He wants us to do the best that we can do, whether that is for one child or ten.What matters if how we parent, not how many.

We needn't run faster than we have strength. Unfortunately for me and my family, depression and anxiety hinder how fast I can run, so to speak. I want to be a good mother, and it is a struggle for me- so we have decided that our family is complete. I want to do the best with the blessings I have been given, working with the trials I have been given.

This is my Mother's Day gift to me:

Acceptance, tolerance, and love without judgment- for myself and my decisions in motherhood. And as I learn to do these things for myself, it will carry over onto my children. Acceptance, tolerance, and love without judgment. It's a tall order, but I'm going to start practicing on myself.

Or to quote Stuart Smalley,

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

If I have succeeded in bringing you down, watch this. I remember watching this live several years ago, and it is still so funny. And it's a blast from the past when Lindsey Lohan was semi-functional.

I Can't Take Me Anywhere

I went to my friend Amanda's baby shower today and found myself inexplicably crying.

We're there celebrating her beautiful brand new baby girl, and I'm crying about my baby girl who died almost 7 years ago.

Yeah, I'm the life of the party.

It seems to be happening a lot lately.

*By continuing to read this you agree to abide by the following terms:

I will not openly mock Jessie for what she is about to divulge.

I will not utter the words 'I told you so', to her or in conversation about her.

I will try to stifle laughter and abstain from rolling my eyes.*

Yesterday I wrote about two, but three is what's really on my mind lately.

In a complete surprise to me, I cannot stop thinking about babies lately.

It's bittersweet.

I used to imagine that I would have three kids.

I did.

But one died.

So now I only have two one earth.

I thought we were done.

We took surgical methods.

But now I'm not so sure.

Even when we decided for Timm to have his vasectomy, the number three still floated around my head. Three kids, our family. Which we had. Now that I find myself thinking about babies, I can't decide what the reason is. Do I feel that something, someone is missing because there is? In other words, am I missing Lola, the missing member of our family, like I will for the rest of my life? Or am I missing the presence of another baby to have join us here in our earthly home? Does three refer to my 3 girls as they are, or to a third baby, which would actually be my fourth?

I am blindsided by this consideration of having another baby. Besides trying to figure out what the basis for this feeling is, there are logistics to complicate matters. Apparently a vasectomy reversal is actually quite expensive. Several thousand dollars expensive. And Timm is already convinced of the finality of our family as it currently consists. If I really do yearn for another baby, it seems I may suffer another loss. In addition to the loss of my first born child, I may now suffer the loss of infertility which was exacted by my own hand.

The truth is, no matter how many babies I filled my home with, I would always feel a void. Until my family is restored in heaven, there always will be a void. No babies could replace my Lola. But could another baby bring me added joy? It seems the decision may not be mine to make.
For at least a year after Lola died I couldn't see another baby without feeling acute pain and grief, and I've been vaguely efeling that way again lately.

I mourn the loss of my baby girl, and now I may mourn the impossibility of having another.

Motherhood is fraught with emotion, complexities, growth, surprises, and love. 

Always love.

Back to School

I took Bella to Back to School night tonight.

She has not adopted Fiona's pirate face- it was just a little sunny.

Bella making the acquaintance of another girl in her class, who happens to sit at her table.

Fiona totally wishes she were going to Kindergarten.

Her day looks so fun! And long.

So weird.

They stagger the Kindergartners entry into school so that she only goes one day this week, then next week she's all in. Thursday is her first day, with Monday being the first day with all 25 of the students in her class.

I am so excited for her. Elementary school is so fun. In fact, it's the only part of my public school education that I have fond memories of. I really don't think I'll be emotional when I drop her off on Thursday, but we'll see. I'm mostly just excited. For her and for me. As long as I don't keep watching Lifetime movies. They'll be my undoing- I swear. I'm watching one tonight while I do a little freezer paper stenciling for some of Bella's school clothes...it's a charming little story about a girl being ostracized, taunted, teased and bullied by her 'friends' at school. How can I possibly turn Bella over to someone else's care for the majority of her time? I can't believe this, but I have actually considered homeschooling over this past summer. Me. Luckily I realized the insanity of that thought process and still enrolled her in public school. Motherhood is so conflicting.

Me+B+Fi

Mother's Day Self Portraits, done while Timm cooked Mother's Day dinner:

Mother's Day Epistle

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings regarding Mother's Day this year- more than usual. My heart and mind have been heavy since the death of my grandmother last month. I have written some about it, but much more remains waiting to be unearthed, excavated and put to good use, aired out in this forum. Exposed so as to grow, flourish, and not forget. These moments, those of great importance-events like births and deaths- give us the rare opportunity to gain insight. A glimpse of the eternities so that we may gain a better perspective while on earth. These times can awaken in us a new commitment and a better understanding of ourselves and our purpose.

It was such a tender mercy that we were all able to assemble together, literally at her bedside as Grandma died. Many more gathered for the funeral and it was a fine group. As we all paid homage to this person, so influential and inspiring in our lives, it was wonderful to see her children share a devotion and love unmatched. All 5 of her children gathered around. There were no estrangements, no bitter words, grievances, resentments, or anger. Only love, compassion, and gratitude. Her children, 5 very different people, loved her.

{taken several hours after Grandma died.}

It struck me that it was not mere happenstance that this was the case. It was not coincidental or luck that she had wonderful relationships with all of her adult children-she made it so. She considered motherhood a divine station and her life and attitudes reflected that. She was a woman without formal education, training, certifications, or awards, yet her influence is far-reaching. She nurtured and taught her children, and did what needed to be done without the need to be petted or praised for her work. I was often the beneficiary of her love and kindness as one of her darlings, but I am especially thankful because she was a mother to my mother. She, the finest example in womanhood, taught and raised my mother to be an exemplary woman of Christlike attitudes, generosity, and love. Then it was my mother's turn, and she raised my sister, brother, and I. We cannot escape life without the influence of our mother in nearly every aspect, and if we are doing it right, we wouldn't want to. We owe ourselves, quite literally to our mothers, as they gave birth to us. However, we owe a part of ourselves to them as well. We are molded and shaped by their teachings. We learn how to love one another and serve- and eventually we learn what it means to be a mother ourselves.

 At her funeral, we all gathered in the Relief Society room greeting all who came to share condolences with the family. Then everyone left us alone, the family, to say a prayer together before the funeral. I had never attended a funeral before- we had only a graveside service for Lola- so everything was new to me. I was composed as we finished the prayer given by Milton, Grandpa's nephew. Then they wheeled the casket out of the room, down the hall to the chapel as we, her family and posterity, filed after her. I was aware of the significance as we followed behind her down the hall, as we did in all things. I felt blessed to be in her wake. Then I was surprised to see, as her casket entered the chapel, everyone in attendance stood, some 200+ people. I was completely undone. As the crowd stood to show respect as she passed by, I was so awed to be following in her presence. Honored to be counted among those filing through the chapel, those blessed to be born as her posterity. I felt nothing short of honor and the deepest gratitude to be her granddaughter at that moment. The tears flowed freely as I tried to compose myself, and came freely once more when the service was over and we followed her out, as again the crowd stood.

{Posterity. The evidence of one woman's life.}

I want to follow her in all things. I want to be able to feel the honor of association and follow her in the eternities. I do not have an earthly memory of Christ, or my direct and physical relationship with Him, but my grandma was the closest thing I know to it, so I will hold onto that memory. The yearning of wanting to be reunited with her, and follow in her ways. Her influence has stretched to my mother, who has stretched to me, and onto my daughters as well. This Mother's Day I am committing to mothering with intent. I am trying to keep the eternal perspective that I glimpsed that day as I was honored to be among my own mother. I want my girls to love me the way my mother loved hers, and I want them to know that all of the good things I am, I learned from my mother, who learned it from hers.

Happy Mother's Day Mom- I owe my life to you, to grandma, and countless other women who have shown me the beauty and divinity of motherhood.

Mother's Day Inspiration

A lot of you have probably heard of The Nie Nie Dialogues. If not, you really should. I've been reading it roughly since the time of her accident, and I love her. It is so inspiring, and this video that was just released leaves me in tears every time. I KNOW. Me. In tears. I've watched it every day since I discovered it a few days ago. You really should. go. Right now. It's worth 8 minutes. It's beautiful. It's inspiring. I find myself thinking about it every day and trying to readjust my attitude and the way I interact with the girls especially. A fantastic example of motherhood and an eternal perspective. GO!

Flux

For me, one of the hardest parts of motherhood is the constantly changing and evolving schedules of my children, depending on their age and stage at the time. The flexibility required to continually adapt and adjust my priorities, my time tables and my days.
For instance, I generally use Fiona's morning nap to get any cleaning that needs to be done, allowing me the afternoon nap to rest and recuperate, all to myself. I need that small does of alone time in my day to get me through the rest of it with some sanity intact. I've been working on my Home Management Notebook lately and have gotten my schedule pretty well arranged. (Providing I actually stick to my various schedules, of course.) And now? Fiona has not been taking morning naps. This makes it difficult, if not impossible to get any cleaning done, let alone get ready for the day. Augh. I struggle with productivity and motivation enough without having constant wrenches thrown into things. I know there is a solution to this, it will just take some reexamination and retooling, not to mention sacrifice of 'my' time. It just frustrates me to never have a constant- except change!
I'm afraid I'm also going to have to start getting up earlier. Which probably also means going to bed earlier.
AUgh!!

These Are the Times

...that I feel like a bad mother.
Fiona is supposed to be taking a nap but instead is crying tears of betrayal and anger in her crib.
Bella is having a tantrum in her room because I told her 'no' about something and I told her she needed to go into her room until she was ready to be happy again. Not in trouble, just needed to work it out and get a hold of herself. She walks away, sobbing, looking back at me and wailing as I count my threatening '1, 2...' I don't really care about whatever I said no to, I just want to change my mind and give in but that doesn't really do anyone any good in the long run.
And Fiona? She's 14 months old and she still cries every time I put her down, whether it be nap or bedtime. She still wakes up in the night, albeit for only a few moments that I largely ignore, but what is the deal? Why does she still cry every single time? We have nice bedtime routines- Doesn't she get it by now? Doesn't she see it coming? One time I was complaining to Timm about her sleeping habits. I said "I don't get it- I did everything with her the exact same way I did with Bella!" (who was a very good sleeper-) He replied "It's like they're two totally different people or something."
Hmph.

5 Years

It's hard to believe that Lola Jane would be 5 years old today.
The passage of time is such an odd and confusing concept- so long ago, a lifetime, myself a totally different person...yet how has 5 years passed already? What comprises 5 years of time? What experiences, challenges, changes, accomplishments, and shifts make up the entirety of 5 years of our lives? What has transpired to deliver us to who and where we are today?
So getting sealed in the temple, 5 more years of marriage, 2 more kids, graduating school, moving across country, buying our first house, getting a real job, starting a career,missing and connecting with loved ones, making and strengthening friendships...That has made up some of it.
This is the first year that I have not been in Utah on her birthday. It seems a bit strange, disconnected, but not necessarily depressing. Distant though.
We haven't done much today in remembrance- it's tricky because nobody else knows or remembers the significance of the day, a day that changed our lives, perspectives, and empathies forever. I don't' want to be macabre but I want to devote the proper reverence and appreciation it deserves. We are going to buy a flowering bush or tree that blooms this time every year as a beautiful reminder, perhaps a hydrangea since they grow so well here and I happen to adore them. Maybe replace an ailing camellia right next to our front door. We also got Cold Stone for a special treat which I am halfway regretting as we speak. I feel like I just spent an outrageous $12.84 (seriously-) to further derail my diet (post-vacation blues has done a number on me. It's been a week today.) and feel bloated and bad about myself. Woohoo. I decided that in years following I want to do a simple birthday cake. It's a simple, low-key, cheerful acknowledgement of the day, for what it should be. Celebration and remembrance.
I remember shortly after she died and I was wondering what life-purpose this experience held for me, since of course it's all about me, and I wondered if at least it would help me stay the course- if remembering that I had a perfect daughter in heaven waiting for me would inspire in me a lifetime of diligence and purposeful living. I don't know if that's true but I do reflect on it and sometimes wonder if I am making her proud. Most of the time I am afraid that I am not. I'm afraid that I would cause a lot of head-shaking, hand-wringing and sighs to say the least. I already fear disappointing those around me here on earth, let alone a perfect spirit watching my life and everything around me unfold in a frustrating ripple of oft-repeated mistakes. As I lamented this once to Michelle she reminded me that since I am a mortal I am not expected to be perfect...yet. I hope that's true as far as Lola is concerned, because otherwise I am surely a huge disappointment to my celestial daughter in heaven.
I wish I could believe that I must have inspired something worthy of mothering a perfect being like Lola, but I think instead she was born to me at least in part to inspire me to be worthy. Let me remember this throughout my life and perhaps I may prove worthy in the end.
I can't wait to meet her again. I know she is beautiful, awe-inspiring and I know she is amazing.
And I know she lives.

Mother's Day

Let me say, Timm did well. Last year I trained myself to have no expectations. On a day typically rife with conflicting emotions I decided to expect nothing, hold no resentments, bare no disappointments. It wasn't a great day, so it's for the best that i adopted this attitude. This year however, for whatever reason, I had expectations. I wanted to be appreciated, taken care of, and satisfied. Maybe it's because of the 3rd child I bore this past year, making me feel all the more entitled to a day of celebration and appreciation. Upon reflection, I think it is due to my own appreciation of my efforts. I am far from a perfect mother. Sometimes I struggle with merely being an adequate mother, barely competent. I can say however, that I am doing my best. I have a lot of room for improvement and I need to constantly work to improve and do right by my girls, but I can say that I am trying my best. I have done much better than I thought possible since having Fiona and adding another child to mother alongside Bella. I have surprised myself this year with my adaptation, acceptance, ease, and resilience. By my description it sounds as though I weathered some major adversities and trials when I actually refer to having another baby in September. Still, this was something I feared, something that caused me a great deal of anxiety, stress and doubt. But I did it, I am doing it, and I have surprised myself with my capabilities. So go on, shower me with appreciation and the accolades I have come to deserve. That's how I approached this day. Luckily, Timm was receptive and must have understood my expectations. That or he is actually appreciative and admiring of my mothering his children. Either way, well done.
It was a simple day.
It began when Timm got up with the girls at 7am, leaving me an additional half hour to sleep in before church. Then the 3 of them woke me with breakfast in bed which Timm prepared, a diet spread. Yogurt, strawberries, English muffins, jam, and the cutest little arrangement in one of my tiny vases. The best part was that they were all collected from my 'garden', or yard. It held Creeping Jenny which I never thought of using in an arrangement, Coral Bells, and Leopard's Bane. So cute and cheerful and satisfying to come from my own gardening efforts.
Then we went to church which was nice. The sacrament meeting talks were good- one from a grandmother giving her perspective she has gained in hindsight and her reassurances of our efforts and capabilities. We came home, I got the girls lunch (my only grudge-) then I went off to read and nap for 3 hours. So awesome.

When I woke up Timm took the girls out for almost an hour, then came home and made a great dinner- a new Cooking Light recipe (from the purple book) called Mango Mustard Chicken, jasmine rice, sugar snap peas and rolls. It was seriously good- we will definitely be incorporating that recipe into our repertoire.
Then I ran out and picked up a 100% free ice cream from ColdStone. (Mother's Day coupon.) I got fat-free sweet cream with strawberries which was absolutely delicious. Then he gave me an unexpected and extravagant gift- a portable dvd player for our pending road trips, flights, and use in my studio. Top it off with a RedBox and going to bed at a reasonable hour and I felt refreshed and at peace.
All I want for Mother's Day is to be appreciated and have the day off from all of the tedious Mother's duties I perform on a daily basis. I don't want to change any diapers, wipe anyone's bum on the toilet, fix meals, tame tantrums, pick up toys, clean the kitchen... I don't care about gifts, but of course they are always nice. One thing I would love that I haven't yet gotten is a card, a letter. I am a huge fan of the written and spoken word of love and appreciation. Tangible evidence of these feelings, something I can reflect back on, refer to, have proof of. So if this year is to be improved upon, it would be with this one gesture. Plus next year I won't be breast-feeding so I won't be the only one who can perform that duty, I would prefer not to change diapers, and not glance over and see my husband reading on the couch while I tend to the girls. I'm just sayin'.
The only reason I even mention these details is to be fair in my expectations and wishes. I can't hold him to something he doesn't even know about, so at least it's out there.
Well done Timm, and thank you. This Mother's Day I felt a part of a universal, timeless and unrivaled strength of women. A force to be reckoned with, one that has created and changed the face of the world. A very small and inconsequential, yet vital part of the whole of Motherhood- the greatest power, blessing, gift and charge given to humankind.
This coupled with my love and appreciation for my own mother, sister, grandmother, aunt, best friends and mother-in-law who have shown me the way, and this, this is what Mother's Day should be.