Saturday, January 29, 2011

I Can't Take Me Anywhere

I went to my friend Amanda's baby shower today and found myself inexplicably crying.
We're there celebrating her beautiful brand new baby girl, and I'm crying about my baby girl who died almost 7 years ago.
Yeah, I'm the life of the party.
It seems to be happening a lot lately.

*By continuing to read this you agree to abide by the following terms:
I will not openly mock Jessie for what she is about to divulge.
I will not utter the words 'I told you so', to her or in conversation about her.
I will try to stifle laughter and abstain from rolling my eyes.*

Yesterday I wrote about two, but three is what's really on my mind lately.
In a complete surprise to me, I cannot stop thinking about babies lately.
It's bittersweet.
I used to imagine that I would have three kids.
I did.
But one died.
So now I only have two one earth.
I thought we were done.
We took surgical methods.
But now I'm not so sure.

Even when we decided for Timm to have his vasectomy, the number three still floated around my head. Three kids, our family. Which we had. Now that I find myself thinking about babies, I can't decide what the reason is. Do I feel that something, someone is missing because there is? In other words, am I missing Lola, the missing member of our family, like I will for the rest of my life? Or am I missing the presence of another baby to have join us here in our earthly home? Does three refer to my 3 girls as they are, or to a third baby, which would actually be my fourth?
I am blindsided by this consideration of having another baby. Besides trying to figure out what the basis for this feeling is, there are logistics to complicate matters. Apparently a vasectomy reversal is actually quite expensive. Several thousand dollars expensive. And Timm is already convinced of the finality of our family as it currently consists. If I really do yearn for another baby, it seems I may suffer another loss. In addition to the loss of my first born child, I may now suffer the loss of infertility which was exacted by my own hand.
The truth is, no matter how many babies I filled my home with, I would always feel a void. Until my family is restored in heaven, there always will be a void. No babies could replace my Lola. But could another baby bring me added joy? It seems the decision may not be mine to make.
For at least a year after Lola died I couldn't see another baby without feeling acute pain and grief, and I've been vaguely efeling that way again lately.
I mourn the loss of my baby girl, and now I may mourn the impossibility of having another.
Motherhood is fraught with emotion, complexities, growth, surprises, and love. 
Always love.


michelle said...

Well, your last sentence just about says it all. I am quite often flummoxed by my emotions regarding motherhood - there is certainly a lot of complexity. And sometimes quite inexplicable thoughts and feelings.

Most of the time I feel my family is complete. I feel good about that. But whenever I think about Eva never having a sister, I have tiny doubts. That seems like a terrible loss to me.

I hope you are able to resolve your conflicting emotions.

Miranda said...

Well now I'm sobbing. I'm pretty sure that isn't in the list of things I'm not allowed to do up there.

You know where I stand about wanting to have more kids, but I've never known of an exact number that should be in our family. I know plenty of people who say they did/do know, but that just isn't me. At least not right now.

I hope you can find peace in whatever happens.

P.S. I wrote "peach" instead of "peace" twice. So maybe you can find some peach too.

{natalie} said...

i don't have anything poignant to say but i didn't want to just skip over this post by not commenting.

i am thinking of you.

paws said...

This was good for me to read since we've discussed the possibility of taking surgical measures ourselves, thinking that two completes our family. It would really suck to regret it. :(

Charlotte said...

I don't know how many children will end up completing our family. I can imagine that would be a difficult balance to find, really. And I would never say "I told you so." I hope you sort this out to your satisfaction, whatever the result is.

linda said...

In many ways your feelings are quite normal. I often felt that I had one more baby waiting to join our family. I was even quite depressed about our not having a 5th for quite some time. It sounds cold to say but time really does help. You have three sweet, sweet girls. You are truly very blessed.

Anonymous said...

Your last point on motherhood is so very true. I've been thinking a lot about this since we talked last week, I hope you find peace with where you all are at. I went through the same thing about 6 months post vasectomy, then like so many things, it hurt less with time and once again I am sure of our decision. Maybe the baby shower was like the perfect storm for where your emotions have all just came to a head there.

rmt said...

Oh, Jessie. This is so sad to me!

I know this isn't the same thing at all, but I go through periods of time when I feel something like heartbroken that my days of childbearing may be over, and that Daniel may never have a sibling. And then there are periods of time when I feel totally at peace about it, and just thankful for the one baby I have.

I think that you maybe need to revisit the reasons of why you and Timm both decided your family was complete? I have no doubt that you made that choice carefully and prayfully in the first place, so perhaps reviewing those reasons and asking Heavenly Father to help you feel at peace about them would help.

I hope you are doing better. :)

Today is Annabelle's one month birthday, and an unknowing coworker just had to choose today to show me pictures of her baby girl. Yeah. I cried in the bathroom.

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