I have so many things to write about, so many things I am behind on, things I never documented at the time, pictures waiting in reserve for their due appearance,expressions of gratitude, images I want to remember, experiences I want preserved- but I am not caching up on any of that today. Today I have to write about what is stressing me, what needs immediate release, if not resolution. Any guesses?
Money.
Of course.
I am trying to exercise a little restraint in the details of our finances which is somewhat foreign to me and just a bit hard to rein in. As much as I would like my blog to be completely honest and utterly devoid of content editing, I have made it public and people other than myself read it. I try to write with a complete disregard for my 'audience' since it is first and foremost my journal, but ultimately that is impossible since I know that others are reading it and the details of my life include other people, whether or not they have agreed to have their part published in a public forum. Thus when I want to vent or agonize over the minutea of a modern, domestic life it means that others agonize along with me. It also means that no matter how little finances mean to my self-worth, translated into complete and full disclosure over the details of said finances, others may not appreciate my lack of discretion. So, allow me if I may to speak somewhat cryptically in an attempt at semi-privacy. On a blog accessible to anyone on earth provided they have internet access.
Let me start by saying I don't want a lot of money. I have quickly adjusted to living on a very tight budget since getting married. I am creative in my frugality and even enjoy the challenge at times. In general I follow the adage to 'Use it up, wear it out, make it last or do without.' I make as many things as possible. I don't want to live ostentatiously. I try to avoid rampant consumerism. I don't like to accumulate too much stuff. I flee from extravagance.
But.
I would like to pay the mortgage with more than a $10 buffer, deposited on the day the mortgage is due to be withdrawn. i would like to be able to buy groceries so I can make actual meals without worrying about maxing the credit card. I would like to order the birthday present I picked out for Timm's 30th birthday next month. I would like to be able to go about my day, being productive, instead of feeling haunted with worry about paying the bills. Instead I am sitting on the couch blogging about it in the middle of the day when I have other things to do. I hate the feeling of want, I hate feeling ungrateful, I hate feeling like I can't do it myself, I hate not being able to find a solution, and I hate whining about it. I hate that I don't see an end in sight.
I hate it.
I know I'm not alone and I know that there are worse things on earth, worse problems to have, and that I still have more than a large portion of the world living with less than I have. Still, it's what's on my mind at 1 pm today, and much of the time. I'm off to the grocery store to see how little we can get by with until Timm gets paid n 2 weeks.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
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4 comments:
Jessie, I am sorry. I know this has been a constant struggle for you. I wish I had an answer, all I can say is that you have one a tremendous amount with what you have. You are so creative and inspire that in others.
I totally share all of these feelings and am currently suffering from the same woes. I hate it, hate it, hate it.
"I flee from extravagance." This just made me giggle. You really have made a huge turnaround in your attitude toward money and material things, it's inspiring really. It is so stressful when you don't have what you need for the basics. I am really hoping that something happens to ease the pain a little.
I feel your pain Jessie! (if it helps at all) My husband has been out of work for 9 months and sometimes I just want to lie down and sob. Blog posts like this let me know I'm not alone and oddly enough help me keep my chin up.
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