Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Same old, same old.

I have so many things to write about, so many things I am behind on, things I never documented at the time, pictures waiting in reserve for their due appearance,expressions of gratitude, images I want to remember, experiences I want preserved- but I am not caching up on any of that today. Today I have to write about what is stressing me, what needs immediate release, if not resolution. Any guesses?
Of course.
I am trying to exercise a little restraint in the details of our finances which is somewhat foreign to me and just a bit hard to rein in. As much as I would like my blog to be completely honest and utterly devoid of content editing, I have made it public and people other than myself read it. I try to write with a complete disregard for my 'audience' since it is first and foremost my journal, but ultimately that is impossible since I know that others are reading it and the details of my life include other people, whether or not they have agreed to have their part published in a public forum. Thus when I want to vent or agonize over the minutea of a modern, domestic life it means that others agonize along with me. It also means that no matter how little finances mean to my self-worth, translated into complete and full disclosure over the details of said finances, others may not appreciate my lack of discretion. So, allow me if I may to speak somewhat cryptically in an attempt at semi-privacy. On a blog accessible to anyone on earth provided they have internet access.

Let me start by saying I don't want a lot of money. I have quickly adjusted to living on a very tight budget since getting married. I am creative in my frugality and even enjoy the challenge at times. In general I follow the adage to 'Use it up, wear it out, make it last or do without.' I make as many things as possible. I don't want to live ostentatiously. I try to avoid rampant consumerism. I don't like to accumulate too much stuff. I flee from extravagance.
I would like to pay the mortgage with more than a $10 buffer, deposited on the day the mortgage is due to be withdrawn. i would like to be able to buy groceries so I can make actual meals without worrying about maxing the credit card. I would like to order the birthday present I picked out for Timm's 30th birthday next month. I would like to be able to go about my day, being productive, instead of feeling haunted with worry about paying the bills. Instead I am sitting on the couch blogging about it in the middle of the day when I have other things to do. I hate the feeling of want, I hate feeling ungrateful, I hate feeling like I can't do it myself, I hate not being able to find a solution, and I hate whining about it. I hate that I don't see an end in sight.
I hate it.
I know I'm not alone and I know that there are worse things on earth, worse problems to have, and that I still have more than a large portion of the world living with less than I have. Still, it's what's on my mind at 1 pm today, and much of the time. I'm off to the grocery store to see how little we can get by with until Timm gets paid n 2 weeks.


Tasha said...

Jessie, I am sorry. I know this has been a constant struggle for you. I wish I had an answer, all I can say is that you have one a tremendous amount with what you have. You are so creative and inspire that in others.

Jill said...

I totally share all of these feelings and am currently suffering from the same woes. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

michelle said...

"I flee from extravagance." This just made me giggle. You really have made a huge turnaround in your attitude toward money and material things, it's inspiring really. It is so stressful when you don't have what you need for the basics. I am really hoping that something happens to ease the pain a little.

Miranda said...

I feel your pain Jessie! (if it helps at all) My husband has been out of work for 9 months and sometimes I just want to lie down and sob. Blog posts like this let me know I'm not alone and oddly enough help me keep my chin up.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...