Friday, October 30, 2009

'They're Baaack...'

I got an early Halloween scare today when Bella came in from outside and told me she had a surprise and to close my eyes. I opened my eyes to find a medium-sized singular mushroom. It had an orange cast to it. I gasped and quickly breathed 'Where did you get that? Did you get that from the back yard? Are they back?!' "Yeah' she replied, 'Three piles.'
?!@#$&*!
I give you...





{Photos once again taken from the safety of the deck, one story above the specimens}
I know it's silly. I know that it makes no sense, but these things freak me out! Why does no one understand?! You may recall last year's reaction. (I just reread it, and did you remember that they were steaming and had juices running from them? Do you still think they are harmless and I am overreacting??) Afterwards I hastily put it out of my mind and rested well believing that the offenders were cut asunder and my place at the top of the food chain was well established and proven to any and all who might be thinking of plotting another such overthrow. Not this time, fungi!
Apparently they didn't get the message. They lay dormant for a while, scheming...I just mowed the lawn a bit over a week ago and there was absolutely no sign of growth. I did check while I was there because it crossed my mind but I breathed a sigh of relief when it appeared to only be host to authorized, properly manicured grass and weeds. Then today, I go out onto the deck after Bella's surprise, and I can't help it, I screamed. I swear I wasn't trying to be dramatic, and even though I braced myself for it, the sight instantly sent chills all over my whole body and I let a scream escape. From then on, every time i thought of it I got full-body chills.
I talked to Molly today and she pointed out that it was well-timed, being the day before Halloween. I replied excitedly with 'Yes! Because they're like Zombie Mushrooms!!', thinking that maybe someone finally understood, but she was merely referring to their pumpkin orange color. Damn it.
Really? Does no one understand this (albeit very strange) idiosyncrasy? It's anything that clusters- bee hives, wasp nests, small weed-like onions growing in my yard that I tried, futilely to dig up, just constantly unearthing more and more...even the word 'cluster' in this context makes me shudder. And 'piles'. Ew. There should not be piles of anything growing.
Robin sent me an email this time last year called 'Grillin' Bees' and it was a story and photo documentation of just a sick ridiculous hive and it almost makes me sick to my stomach. If you're interested let me know and I can send it on, but be forewarned.
I'm really not afraid of anything. Anything else, I guess. I'm cool with bugs, insects, rodents, dirt, all manner of farm animals, spiders, snakes, you name it. I'll touch it, I'll dig in, I'm down. No fear. But show me a sprouting vegetable or a fast-growing brightly-colored mushroom in the yard, and I'm done.
Done.

9 comments:

michelle said...

Hee! Sorry, I don't understand your reaction to these. But I really enjoy it. Oh yes, it makes me laugh. A lot. Ditto with sprouting...

I thought the same thing about the Halloween-appropriate color.

Hannah said...

I am with Michelle. I don't get the reaction but I dig that you share it here :)

charlotte said...

I'll speak up for you, Jess. Those totally weird me out. The color, at least, is appropriate. But still. Mushrooms with sonic-speed growth? Pass.

Jill said...

You are so funny! Every time our potatoes start sprouting and get all alien-like in appearance I think of you.

I think your fear of clustering mushrooms is especially hilarious considering you live with freaky-looking hairless cats that smell like scrambled eggs!

Ashley said...

I totally get creeped out by the same things!!! It's like they are too intelligent or something. Clusters of anything so homogenous, uniform and so precisely planned is really icky. I've got the chills...

Petey said...

mushrooms mean you have a good soil at least...

Denise said...

Your cats smell like scrambled eggs? I've got to say that's pretty creepy, too. I just saying.

GCC said...

Dude! I've found these in my yard a few times (they were yellow here), and they TOTALLY gross me out. I wore gloves to try to weed them, and kept almost throwing up. They're like giant worms. I am totally with you.

Robin said...

LOL grillin' bees! That was totally nasty. Sorry for the fungus infestation! And...we need to talk sometime, it's been way too long (:

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