Thursday, March 04, 2010

Self-talk.

I have finally come to terms with a fundamental aspect of my personality. I am lazy.
I am lazy.
There, I said it. I know it is not admirable, but there it is. Usually I waste a lot of energy and peace by berating myself for such a despicable trait, but that gets me nowhere. I end up feeling bad about myself, comparing myself to everyone else and feeling like a failure, which inevitably leads me to be even less productive. So today I had somewhat of an epiphany when suddenly I thought, "So what?- It's true, you're somewhat lazy. Sometimes you're really lazy." ( I often talk to myself.) "But instead of constantly torturing yourself about it, embrace it. Make it work for you. Maybe you can't change a fundamental aspect of yourself, but you can tweak your habits and perspectives to make it work better. To fit your personality. Really?"-I asked myself- "So, even though it's not too admirable to be lazy maybe I can accept it as one of my less desirable traits and accept that I cannot change it, but work with it instead of against it?" Yes, I said all of this, but in my head. Sometimes I say it out loud, but today it was internal only.
I value small, consistent efforts every day. It is the only way to keep me even slightly on top of anything, because once it goes, it's hell for me to try and get back on track. That means doing a load of laundry daily. Every night I do the dishes, run the dishwasher, wipe up and sweep the floor. Bella picks up her toys a couple of times a day, I follow everyone picking up all day long. We make our beds first thing in the morning. I try and swish and swipe the bathrooms. Not not all of this occurs daily of course, but when it does, the house runs in harmony and I feel at peace. When I let things go, I have a hell of a time getting back on track. Which is kind of where I am today.
So while I try to maintain my small daily tasks, you will not often see me scrubbing the shower or tub or doing yard work.
Bottom line: I value hard work, but unfortunately I am a lazy girl. I try to parcel out my work into small, manageable pieces in hopes that I won't appear as lazy as I am. I struggle between what makes me me, and I should embrace and accept, and what needs to change. I will ruminate more on that later.

4 comments:

michelle said...

I can really relate. Especially to your second to last sentence...

Susan said...

I've never thought of you as lazy! Is it just part of the "every mother thinks her babie's blackest" mentality, or what have I missed?!

Honestly, I don't think lazy is in the genes....

Carry on!

Jill said...

I don't know that it's genuine laziness, maybe it's just an all or nothing way of living and you're just focusing on the nothing part of it. I think doing a little bit each day is a smart way of managing things.

Hannah said...

If you are lazy I am a sloth. No, a rock.

You are passionate. You are driven, you are focused! It's just channeling that focus that is hard sometimes and it is such a slippery slope. I hope you find your way back to being the YOU that you see in yourself.

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