Tuesday, July 06, 2010

I love those rare instances when I have a moment of clarity and feel like...myself. My weight has fluctuated over the years, but mostly with pregnancy. After I had Bella I lost the weight quickly and got below my pre-pregnancy weight and felt great. After she turned 2 it crept up a bit, but after we moved to NC I gained 60-yes, sixty pounds. Wow. Then I got pregnant with Fiona. Since I had Fiona I've lost about 50 pounds from my delivery weight, but I still have close to 40 pounds to lose. The closer I get to my goal weight the closer I feel to returning to myself, so why is it so hard to keep that in mind? I think it's a matter of faith and delayed gratification. Good food is instantaneous, right here, right now, whereas weight loss is a slow and arduous process whose results cannot be measured immediately. I know eating right and exercising works- it has worked for me many times before, and it is no small feat that I have lost the weight I already have. Why then, am I not more consistently dedicated? Why can't I keep in mind my true goals and desires more often?
At the very least, I am hoping that this slow and incremented process of losing weight ensures a better chance of maintaining the loss. I am really trying to focus on balance and making regular and consistent choices that I can live with.
On Saturday, before going to Chase's coming home party, I felt really good. I felt close to myself. A self that has been buried deep beneath the rubble of fat, self-consciousness, and at times, loathing. I feel like I am ever so slowing digging myself free, and the more I lose, the more I feel like myself again. I even act more like myself because I feel more free, less encumbered and confident enough to put it all out there.
I'm documenting all of this to help me remember how it feels to be me. How I feel when I take care of myself and when I treat my body with intent, love and respect instead of haphazard and indulgent debauchery. I turned 29 a couple of weeks ago and I really want to love my body and myself before I turn 30. I don't want to look back on my 20's ( at least the last half-) with regret and embarrassment. I want to greet 30 feeling the best I have in years, feeling like a competent and confident woman. A woman who is a mother of 3, has weathered a few storms and come out on top. A woman who has conquered anything set before me.
I've got one year to get back to me.

6 comments:

Molly Krauss Smith said...

I want a copy of the picture of you and Timm. You look great by the way.

Hannah said...

You can so reach all the goals you have and more. I remember when you seemed to shrink before our eyes to that size 8- I always remember it because it was during the Lola Legacy project.

Keep digging- I have picked up that shovel again as well and can't wait to unearth more of the me that I know is there. You are going to greet 30 loving what you have to show!

Jill said...

I'm so impressed with your iron will and resulting ability to drop substantial amounts of weight. I have NEVER done that, ever.

You look beautiful in these pictures and I love your thoughts about being yourself.

Susan said...

Each photo is prettier than the last! How do you do that?!!

I admire your desire to get, stay and keep on track. In Young Women's last week, our lesson was on sacrifice. While I know that the main object of the lesson was not to talk about this kind of sacrifice....(dieting), the same principle sure applies...to sacrifice means to give up something now for something better in the future. This seems to help me try to stay on track.

Maybe some of those photos could be "gifts-in-the-making".

Love you.

Denise said...

What an inspirational post! I'm struggling to lose a few pounds myself and feel frutrated. I love the confidence I hear in this post, and the photos are fantastic! I love your hair, by the way.

michelle said...

Yes! Fabulous photos, fabulous hair. I love the confidence I hear as well.

That last bit I could say about myself, only turning 40 instead of 30...

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