I love those rare instances when I have a moment of clarity and feel like...myself. My weight has fluctuated over the years, but mostly with pregnancy. After I had Bella I lost the weight quickly and got below my pre-pregnancy weight and felt great. After she turned 2 it crept up a bit, but after we moved to NC I gained 60-yes, sixty pounds. Wow. Then I got pregnant with Fiona. Since I had Fiona I've lost about 50 pounds from my delivery weight, but I still have close to 40 pounds to lose. The closer I get to my goal weight the closer I feel to returning to myself, so why is it so hard to keep that in mind? I think it's a matter of faith and delayed gratification. Good food is instantaneous, right here, right now, whereas weight loss is a slow and arduous process whose results cannot be measured immediately. I know eating right and exercising works- it has worked for me many times before, and it is no small feat that I have lost the weight I already have. Why then, am I not more consistently dedicated? Why can't I keep in mind my true goals and desires more often?

At the very least, I am hoping that this slow and incremented process of losing weight ensures a better chance of maintaining the loss. I am really trying to focus on balance and making regular and consistent choices that I can live with.

On Saturday, before going to Chase's coming home party, I felt really good. I felt close to myself. A self that has been buried deep beneath the rubble of fat, self-consciousness, and at times, loathing. I feel like I am ever so slowing digging myself free, and the more I lose, the more I feel like myself again. I even act more like myself because I feel more free, less encumbered and confident enough to put it all out there.

I'm documenting all of this to help me remember how it feels to be me. How I feel when I take care of myself and when I treat my body with intent, love and respect instead of haphazard and indulgent debauchery. I turned 29 a couple of weeks ago and I really want to love my body and myself before I turn 30. I don't want to look back on my 20's ( at least the last half-) with regret and embarrassment. I want to greet 30 feeling the best I have in years, feeling like a competent and confident woman. A woman who is a mother of 3, has weathered a few storms and come out on top. A woman who has conquered anything set before me.

I've got one year to get back to me.

Pirate Solicitation

I've rejuvenated my love affair with Pandora lately, and have compiled a list of artists I want to acquire. Some of these artists I may have some of, and some I have none but have been coveting. So I am shamelessly soliciting anyone reading for music. If anyone has anything and would like to share, let me know.

regina spektor
mirah
a fine frenzy
erin mckeown
yael naim
missy higgins
donovan frankenreiter
rilo kiley
feist
jaymay
lily allen
marie digby
meiko
priscilla ahn
kate nash

Some of my current favorites that I have an am willing to share or trade include:

rufus wainwright
jason mraz
sia
jack johnson
G Love
ani difranco
sara bareilles
ingrid michaelson
adele
amos lee
rosie thomas
lenka
the weepies

I love music. I am poor. I am shameless. That's why I wrote this post.

Anti-Social Even on the Internet

I studiously avoid most networking sites or services including Twitter and FaceBook. Obviously, Blogger is an exception since it is my journal and not an advertisement for myself, availing any and all to seek me out. I admit to an aversion to these sites that prevents me from even looking at them-I have not ever looked at FaceBook or Twitter.
This seems a little strange since I am not necessarily a private person. I am a talker and anyone who has had one conversation with me probably knows all they want or need to now about me. I will write about almost anything. (In fact, in response to Jill's request- I wear a 36 D. Before I delivered my kids I was an E and that was before my milk even came in. We're talking personal-size watermelons here people.) Yet despite this proliferation I cringe at the thought of a very specific group of people finding me- anyone from high school.
I did not enjoy high school. That is an understatement. In fact I hated the years that collectively include junior high and high school, puberty, adolescence, all of that. I hated it so much that I dropped out at 16, got my GED and went to community college so I could transfer to BYU by the time I would have been graduating high school. One of the best decisions of my life. Because of this, I alienated a lot of people from my life, as was one of the primary reasons for doing so. I wanted to change my life and make a clean break. High school is not a place for clean breaks or absolution among your peers. I think I made those years unnecessarily difficult for myself. I am a completely different person than I was then and I don't want to reminded of that time of unhappiness.
Since I left high school in 10th grade and haven't seen most of those people since then, I never really gained closure. I left when everyone was at their peak of punkish-ness and thus they are forever frozen that way to me. It is so hard to imagine that they have moved on and become successful, contributing members of society, never mind admirable parents. That thought is mind-boggling to me. Mind-boggling. I know that at least some of them must have grown up to do something worthwhile if only because of the mathematical probability. Perhaps I may even like one or two of them if we met as adults. But I still can't imagine that to be true. In many ways I feel like my life began when I dropped out. Most of my memories and parts of my life that I like to recall are from that point on. Anything remembered from my adolescence is usually explained with a lot of head-shaking and shoulder-shrugging.
Perhaps part of this means that I am afraid of what people will think if they do happen across me. Would anyone even look? Remember me? And if they did would they think kindly of me or remember me as the weird girl who freaked out and dropped out of high school?
I know its idiosyncratic and probably an insecurity on my part, but I don't want to be on display in the online meat market that exists.
Besides all of those reasons, I try to live a simpler life and to me, these typify the rapidly increasing world of technology and voyeurism. I am not against technology and quite enjoy many of its fruits, but not to the degree that most are accustomed. We have a cell phone thanks to my mom, but I never use it and it is, as described by a flight attendant on the loud speaker this summer, a 'Model -T' phone, or looks like its from 1953. While I don't think it is that bad, it is definitely a no-frills phone. No camera, no touch screen, no apps or games of any kind. And voyeurism? I feel about blogs and the like the same way I feel about friends. I don't care about having throngs of friends who are merely acquaintances that I keep on hand or see occasionally to share trivial bits of information or gossip. I much rather enjoy a few select friends that I know well and love. I don't have the time or interest to pursue the lives of people I knew 12 years ago, veritable strangers, who knew me when I was at my worst.
So there's my defense of my anti-FaceBook and Twitter policies. Just musing on that today.

Quickie

Happy Mother's Day!

more to come...

Today

I dug out 182 daffodil bulbs with a trowel and my bare hands. I have about twice that many to still transplant.
Molly said my butt looked much smaller.
My neighbor Emily said I was a dream wife.
I weighed in at Weight Watchers and lost .6 pound, for a total of 22.6 pounds.
I stayed up until 3:45 am sewing a birthday present for Sebastian.
I ran one mile in the pouring rain: 13:30.

More to come, I'm sure.

{Shrug}

Yesterday, for about an hour, I was convinced that I wanted to raise my own chickens.
It stemmed from a simple Google search on how to make your own Easter egg dye. In an attempt to save myself a couple of dollars on Easter egg dye I quickly made the leap to save money by making my own eggs. Almost immediately I found myself searching sites devoted to the practice of chicken-raising. I searched for coops, both d.i.y. kits and the more costly pre-assembled variety. (Mine would reside quite nicely under our deck. By all considerations it was an ideal location.) I researched municipal codes and what was required to get a permit allowing me to house fowl on my property. I downloaded the application for said permit. I looked for what costs I would accrue if I undertook this venture. I briefly read some forums devoted to the subject, perused varieties of chickens available, including their best propaganda- pictures of day-old chicks. At least one statement in the forums gave me pause- the one cautioning someone against putting 2 roosters in with 8 hens, stating that they would 'ride your poor hens till they couldn't stand.' Surprisingly, at this point I was still considering the endeavor. I simply made a mental note not to include more than one rooster, if any, with my hens. Luckily for everybody, this notion seemed to dissipate almost as quickly as it arose. I think it had something to do with the daily fecal removal, the fact that the city application required them to consult 5 of my immediate neighbors, and a nagging feeling that this might, perhaps, be a fleeting interest.
So I went back and read about how to make my own Easter egg dye.

We don't eat that many eggs.

No Need To Comment. (or even read...)

We are all created equal, but we know that we have different strengths and weaknesses, talents and challenges. So how does it all really add up equally? Does that mean that in theory I am equal to say, Martin Luther King Jr. or the current prophet of our church President Monson, or just that I have the capabilities, the hope, the choice of becoming as good?
We also know that where much is given, much is required. Some are given more. At least more of specific things. So is the same required of us? How much in life is subjective to who we are? How does what we are born with, inherent with, given, factor into what we are responsible to for? Do our challenges handicap us so that we are not as accountable for it, or accountable in the same way as others without that struggle?
I guess what I want to know is what is within us. What does 'equal' really mean? How does it balance, equate? Are each and every one of us really capable of the same greatness in this life and our earthly destinies are only determined by our choices? God knows what we will do, where we will go, and he allows us those choices, but even in the pre-mortal life we cannot have been truly equal. Some are simply better than others, right? I mean, if I have a friend that is truly kind-hearted, without guile, empathetic and compassionate, but a total moron working with her hands, whereas I have a talent for crafts, we're equal? Just a different balance of strengths and weaknesses? Doesn't sound right, does it?
I just wonder about all this sometimes, and then I'm afraid that it doesn't really matter. That I'm complicating things too much and I need to simply focus on doing my best. Why then, does my best seem so far short of other's? Or even short of other's mediocre attempts?
Depression for instance. It seems obvious to me that I have to try a lot harder than most people to be happy. I wish I was one of those people who just woke up with a smile on her face, had a lust for life, undying optimism and a can-do attitude. Unfortunately, I have to focus and work on being happy. It is achieved through conscious work, a cumulative effect of mental exercises and attempts at self-help. Because of my struggles with depression I occasionally do (or don't do) things that I would do differently if it were not for that struggle. Take depression out of the equation, and things would work a lot differently, and a lot better for that matter. So what allowances are made for me specifically because of my unique challenges and efforts?
I am not using my depression as a scapegoat. I promise I'm not, even if it sounds profoundly like I am. I am just a thinker, a wonderer, (a dreamer... sounds like Shel Silverstein-). I can't help but explore all these things and try to figure out the hows and whys of my brain, myself. However, I still know that we all make choices based upon the challenges and blessings we currently have or do not have.
This leads me to another question. How much can we change? I know that through the Atonement all change is possible, so even as soon as I asked the question it sounded stupid. But still, we have to be born with limitations as a mortal on earth, and these limitations will vary between us all, right? I guess we have no idea what those limitations are, or if they only exist in our minds so we have to continually strive for better and better regardless.
Sometimes I try and remember that I only have to do my best and try a little harder each day, but I can quickly become derailed and discouraged when I realize that my best seems a sorry excuse for an attempt. How do we know if it is our best? Why is our best sometimes so much less than others? How do ourselves really balance? I seem to struggle in so many areas it seems impossible that my successes, virtues, and talents can balance me with others and fill the void that is left by my deficiencies and failings.. What if my best is simply not as good as another's? Do I accept that and continue to try and do all that I can, hoping that my best, and I, will improve? It seems like certain things are just harder for some than others. Obviously there is another huge population that have things much worse than I, since I do know that I have it pretty good. I do recognize my vast blessings, which are mainly the gospel and the people in my life. I know that I am rich beyond measure and have more than I could ever want.
I just can't help but wonder.
Am I way too introspective? Should I just shut up and do?
Or tell myself, as Homer would say, "Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!" ?

New

New makeup,
new haircut and
color, new shirt...
Almost makes
me feel like
myself again.
Almost.

Foiled Again!

Blue's Clues has stumped me once again.
We're trying to guess what kind of plant it is.
The clues are: the color red, round circle shapes, and a vine.
My thought process: Hmm... they look like apples, but apples don't grow on vines...Strawberries? No, they're not circular. And they don't grow on vines. Some indistinct berry plant? And before I could continue brainstorming, they concluded that it was in fact (you guessed it-) a tomato plant!
Ah, tomato. But of course.
I swear I'm not retarded.
Technically speaking.

Wish List

For my own, as well as other's use, I have decided to create a wish list. I will update it as needed and keep it on my sidebar. I don't want for much, but I'll write it down when I think of it and you shall wonder no more.
Incidentally, I think life would be much easier if everyone did this!
Sewing Shears
Sewing Box (for supplies)
Cutting Mat
Fabric!
Wool Felt
The Creative Family by Amanda Blake Soule
Handmade Home by Amanda Blake Soule
Bend the Rules Sewing by Amy Karol
Bend the Rules with Fabric by Amy Karol
Pedicures
Drug Store or Ulta g.c.'s for makeup and toiletries
New stainless steel appliances
New carpet
Exterior home makeover
Gone With the Wind dvd
Target gift cards (for all of life's necessities)
Sewing lessons
Running clothes
Rita's Water Ice gift cards
iTunes gift cards
Slippers
Blurb g.c.'s so I can publish my blog books
Real Simple, Cooking Light, or Weight Watcher's subscriptions
This dust-ruffle for Bella (twin)
iPod- bright pink or green.
Double Jogger
Special Nike iPod running shoes
Crest White Strips
Weight Watchers passes
New glasses
Deep ceramic pie plate
Sunglasses
Marking Pens and Pencils

My 100

1. I love to read- my goal for 2008 was to read 50 books, and I am on #47 -Not bad for having a baby in September!
2. Lavender is my favorite scent.
3. I love naps more than words can tell. Lately I NEED them.
4. I watch too much tv, but I love it.
5. I want to be a runner.
6. Running a marathon is a dream and would make me feel like a superhero!
7. I am a night owl by nature.
8. I wish I could sleep late every day.
9. I am always hot- embarrassingly so. Always.
10. I love Coke Zero.
11. I require a lot of sleep.
12. I hate clutter.
13. I have been on anti-depressants for about 8 years.
14. I have had 3 C-Sections and my tonsils removed.
15. Hannah is my best friend.
16. Erin is my oldest friend-13 years.
17. Molly is the best friend I've made in Charlotte.
18. My grandma Charlotte is my role model and hero.
19. My sister Michelle is also my best friend.
20. So is my husband!
21. I am always trying to improve myself and read many self-help books.
22. I have 2 hairless cats.
23. I have the sickest, grodiest, scratchiest, most calloused and beyond hope feet in the world.
24. I think I have the coolest, most interesting, talented, funny and inspiring family.
25. My look is fashionable, but very casual.
26. I love candy corn.
27. I love peanut butter M & Ms.
28. There is hardly a food that I don't like.
29. I LOVE a clean house!
30. I love pink and green together.
31. I am a chronic, hopeless homebody.
32. I love to write.
33. I love to create and work with my hands.
34. I love my husband's laptop- it helps aid my sedentary lifestyle.
35. I wish I lived in an old, historic house.
36. My first cd was Vanessa Williams, a cast off from Michelle.
37. Har and Peastore were my childhood imaginary friends. They were fairly long-lived, and there was one more, but he was more transient and I forget his name.
38. I have lived in Denver, Pittsburgh (Wexford), Philadelphia (Langhorn and Yardley), Utah (Orem and Provo) and now Charlotte, NC.
39. I have travelled internationally to Chihuahua, Mexico and Paris,
40. I hate the word 'panties'. Ew.
41. Fall is my favorite season, then spring. I hate the summer.
42. I love cold cereal and could eat it for 3 meals a day.
43. I love being married to my husband. (5+ years now.)
44. I keep my nails cut very short so I can easily and aggressively use my hands.
45. When I was about 8 I tried to institute a paying library. I was furious when my parents wouldn't let me have a dedicated phone line.
46. I am pretty uncoordinated.
47. I was lactose intolerant while pregnant with Fi, and now she appears to have a milk intolerance as well.
48. I am 5'3" with very short legs and pants are always, always too long for me.
49. I hate mouth noises-especially smacking!
50. I am the baby of my family.
51. I must have alone time everyday to recharge and restore my sanity.
52. I have many 'associates' but few very close friends
53. I can, and do go outside barefoot in any conditions, including snow.
54. I cannot imagine my life without the internet-it seems I research something every day.
55. I really really wish I could play the piano.
56. Ditto with sewing.
57. I've gotten pregnant twice while on birth control.
58. I have 10 books on hold at the library right now.
59. I have 210 books on my 'to-read' list.
60. Once I got Blue's Clues wrong. Seriously. I thought it was spaghetti and meatballs- it was pizza.
61. I hate, absolutely hate Timm's sneeze. It is so loud, startling, and over the top that I can't even say 'Bless you.' I know that's stupid.
62. I feel very generous with what I have.
63. Acts of service do not come easily to me.
64.I wish I had an old house. An old farmhouse, craftsman, tudor...
65. I love to bake and have learned to make bread this year. I'm loving it.
66. I have always been pale, and I like it except when my pasty legs are shown in a bathing suit. Tan fat looks way better than pale fat. (Just like how black is slimming and white is not-)
67. I am not very good at keeping in touch, even when I am very fond of the person.
68. I almost always feel tired and ready for a nap.
69. I think I tend towards laziness, even though work is always very motivating and rewarding.
70. Twix is my new favorite candy bar.
71. I wish I could wear cozy socks, but I never do because of my constantly over-heated state.
72. I am a good listener and very empathetic.
73. I love any kind of massage, back rubs, or tickles and hardly ever get any of them.
74. I love the smell when the heat comes on.
75. I love words.
76. In my spare time I would almost always rather eat, read, or sleep, preferably in that order.
77. I want to lose 60 pounds.
78. I love real estate and search for houses regularly.
79. If I am curious about something, I immediately research it on the internet until I am satisfied and then I still usually check out one or more books on the subject.
80. I don't know how I ever lived before DVR.
81. I love HGTV.
82.I started a huge quilt more than 10 years ago and it is still unfinished.
83. I would really love to start quilting again, but I need to relearn it.
84. I love to sing (alto) but I am very out of practice.
85. I am pretty good at a lot of things, but not really good at any one thing.
86. If I had unlimited funds, I would tweak my style and streamline my house, making it cleaner and more linear.
87. My grandma's nickname for me is 'Pritzy Pritz.'
88. Timm calls me 'jt'.
89.My grandma's house has always been my safe place and I have memories as early as 3 years old.
90. I swear in my dreams.
91. I am afraid of heights, including ladders.
92. My only other fear is sprouting vegetables- other than those 2 things, I'm fear-free.
93. I am trying to simplify my life, including our consumerism.
94. I used to be a huge spastic animal-rights vegetarian animal-lover.
95. Then I grew up and had kids.
96. My first child was a perfect little girl who was stillborn at full-term. Her name is Lola Jane.
97. I still cannot grasp or believe that I have 3 kids.
98. Right now I have a closet full of cute clothes that aren't even close to fitting me.
99. Right now I am also very insecure about my weight and feel like the 'fat friend.'
100. I'm so glad I'm blogging while my children are small.

Trick or Treating

This was the costume I wanted Bella too wear, sent to us of course, by Grandma. I call it a Burlesque Ladybug. It is the freakin' cutest "stume" I've ever seen. (I threw that lingo in there for all of you 'Office' fans-) Unfortunately, it was a rather small size 2 and since Bella is 3 1/2 it looked closer to fitting Fiona. I tried to swing it because she loved it too, but it was painful for her to wear. So, I'm saving it for Fiona.
We settled for a slightly less cute version of a butterfly made by the same company. (Both were purchased at Marshall's.) It's a size 5, so we can reuse it again next year, Bella willing.
Requisite pictures of Bella modeling the costume, indoors and out. After I took these I wisely put a white long sleeve shirt on under her bodice, and it was still cute and she was warm(er). I was so glad she agreed to wear the antennae and kept them on the whole time without complaining! Also that she didn't insist on wearing her neon green Crocs with it.
Me, attempting a self-portrait of the three of us. I'm not looking at the lens, Bella's unsure about the whole venture, and the blurry back of Fiona's head tells us she's squirming. Still I consider it a success.

Bella, pounding some Nerds along the way.

Ringing the doorbell. She went up to all the houses by herself while I waited at the end of the driveway. She was never scared to go alone, or of any of the various Halloween decorations. Despite my reminders at every single house, I'm pretty sure she stood there, mute, ready to receive her loot and walk away without incident. Except however, for the first house we went to. She said 'Trick or Treat', picked out some candy and then proceeded to ask if she could come in. I only know this because the woman called down to me, and I replied, "Yeah, she's new at this!" I'm pretty sure that is a cardinal rule of trick-or-treating: You should never, especially small children, enter a stranger's house who offers you candy. Alone.


I thought she was pretty cute, and apparently I'm not just being a mother crow because everyone we passed, saw, or trick-or-treated, praised her profusely, admiring her person and costume. It made me glad.
Timm stayed home to dole out candy with Fiona while Bella and I trekked. We went for a little over an hour, walking down the main drag of our neighborhood, our street, and back. She did great until the very end she started complaining that she was tired and didn't want to walk, but we got home with only minimal whining. I however, tried to unsuccessfully coerce her to keep going.
"This is the only night of the whole year when people are just giving you candy for free! Everyone! And we're giving it out too, so it's our due! Let's keep going and get more candy! I know you're tired but think of the greater good- think of the cause: More Candy!"
"But I don't want to get too much candy and get sick."
"But you won't get sick because you won't eat it all at once, you can save it so it lasts forever! Are you sure you don't want to go out with daddy now? Just to the end of the block? Are you sure you don't want more candy?"
Oh well.
(Un)Fortunately, I bought 9 bags of candy in expectation for a heavy crowd in our neighborhood. I think we might have given away 2, and that's only because Timm started giving more and more generously as it became obvious we had a surplus. Now I won't have to pillage Bella's stash.
We did complete the night without any costume trauma for the first time. You may remember:

this,

and this.

We were still subject to the way past bedtime, tired and sugar-loaded tantrums that came when we finally insisted on bedtime at about 10:00. Luckily she didn't sleep in at all and woke up at her normal time, so she is sleep-deprived with a huge bowl of candy she can't eat on the first day we once again begin, Potty Training. Yep. I had to stick to it because we scheduled it with her a while ago and did a paper chain. So, tired or not, we're doing it. Again. For the last time. Really. I mean it.
Updates to come...

Disclaimer/Explanation:

I've been blogging a lot more lately, or at least trying to. This increase is mainly due to the pondering I have been giving to documentation and it's importance and relevance. While at Shell's house I produced an impressive 25 layouts (30 pages) and was in quite the scrapbooking groove after lying dormant for about a year. (since we moved-) Despite this groove and my good intentions to continue said groove during Timm's 2-week departure, I am not feeling it. Part of it is frustration because I create all these things, but then no one ever bothers to look at them besides me. I enjoy the process (most of the time) even though it's time-consuming and I devote to it money and space which are both in very short supply. Still, I'm left wondering... is it really that important? Is it worth all the time, effort, money, and space I dedicate to it? (sometimes...) I think I'm just in a funk, but regardless of the duration of this funk I decided that more regular blogging was the answer. Even when I am scrapbooking it's not regular enough to document everything, but blogging can capture it all. Plus, when I do have a page that I want to do I can reference my archives for the details or the journaling itself. Ultimately I would love to publish my blog annually and keep all the volumes as my personal journals. So- for the first time, I really am blogging primarily for me. I love comments and visitors, so I am going to make a concerted effort to come out of the shadows and stop my lurking, but still- I am blogging for me. Yes, for my posterity as well since in published form they will be easier to access years from now, but for now it's my journal. That said, I realize many posts may not be of interest to anyone but me or only those very close to me. I realize that sometimes I may sound negative, very often depressed, but always real, upfront, and honest. When I have a record of my life I don't want anything to be left out. I don't want a rosy portrait only painted of me. I want my kids and my future self to know who I really was, and am. So I'm going forward, Doogie Howser- style in an attempt to capture my (near) daily thoughts, failures, accomplishments, and love of those I share them with. Consider yourself warned- read at your own risk.