Veritable Landfill

H'Meh.

(My temporarily partially-paralyzed face)

So between less-than-perfect BYU health insurance and my complete lack of insurance from Timm's previous job, I estimate it had been at least 6 years since I last saw a dentist. Maybe even as many as 8. I do not practice perfect dental hygiene, but I brush and floss. I didn't even think much about it until I lost a filling a few months ago, before our new health coverage took effect. I made sure to floss it religiously since it kind of hurt and there was a gaping hole for food to accumulate in, but it was still about 4 months before I saw the dentist. Naively, I thought this would be the only problem. Maybe because I hadn't sat in a dentist's chair for many years, but I assumed since I had no pain in my mouth and my teeth looked good and white that there were no problems. In fact, the thought of other dental woes didn't even cross my mind until the dentist came in and started piercing my gums with a very sharp instrument, muttering notes to his hygienist for practically every tooth. It sounded something like "Number 13, possible RC, number 14 likely RC & other alphabetical dental codes that I didn't understand and don't remember..." Suddenly I thought- He really has a lot to talk about. Really, every tooth? You can't just skip one? I don't really know what you're saying, but I think you might be a little overly critical. And no, that does not feel like a "little pressure." It feels like you are poking tender gum tissue with the very sharp instrument that you indeed, are poking me with. I saw it. It's very pointy.

They couldn't even clean my teeth. I had to have the entire appointment devoted to a consultation. My results were not good. Turns out 'RC' stands for 'Root Canal' which in hindsight, makes perfect sense.He showed me a lot of fancy high-tech pictures of my teeth and pointed out all the dark, black shaded areas that were decay. He pointed out the roots of my teeth and how those ominous darkly shaded parts were dangerously close to those roots. He spoke of various degrees of severity in decay, from 1-4, all of which I had several times over. He showed me a visible hole in one of my teeth, aside from the one that had lost a filling. He pointed out under the wire cemented to my teeth where the floss failed to reach. Finally he gave me a detailed treatment plan that spanned many pages, included many stages over a period of time, and involved way more money than I could ever hope to afford to my evidently grossly neglected dental care. I was on the verge of tears, and I think the shock of it was the only thing that kept those tears from spilling over.

I took my veritable landfill of a mouth and left feeling chastised, embarrassed, poor, and discouraged. Who has teeth like this? Meth heads, illegal immigrants, homeless people, and people living in abject poverty, that's who. (Or so I decided in my traumatized state. No offense to these societal subsets- it's just that I'm not one of them. Or am I? I suppose with my teeth already in the state they're in, I could finally take up meth and ignore at least one of those nasty side effects.)

I returned for a cleaning, then later a cavity fill times two, which led to a visit to the endodontist to preform 2 root canals. (The first of several, apparently.) That used the entirety of my annual allowance from my insurance, with $350 left over. We got my teeth their first credit card to cover the balance, and now I am supposed to get crowns for those two teeth which will cost me $1900. Which I am not doing. I know, it sounds crazy. It probably is crazy. But the manager at the dentist office said I could probably get by with only the 'core buildup', whatever that is, until next January when my insurance rolls over. Yeah, a year from now. The core buildup will only cost a few hundred dollars, on my teeth's fancy shmancy new credit card, of course. Then we can move on to the many more teeth that need attention, and hopefully arrest their deterioration and prevent root canals for the rest of the lot. 

In summary, after six entire visits, I will have 2 of my teeth mostly repaired. We have a long way to go.

A highlight however, was having 8 full hours of numbness for half of my face, stretching to include part of my eye. These pictures were taken a few hours in, when a bit of it had worn off. I gave Timm no small amount of pleasure as I talked, and best of all tried to smile or laugh. He would laugh almost to the point of tears every time, insisting that I take my hand away from my mouth in self-consciousness. A couple of times through the day I would proclaim, "Timm! I think it's wearing off!", then flash him that winning half-smile. He would patronizingly reply, "Almost..." before laughing again. It made him especially giddy if I would mumble, "I have a few disorders" out of the corner of my semi-functioning mouth.

Good times.

In other good news, I have now been avoiding chewing on the left side of my mouth for going on 5 months, and with any luck I will continue to do so for another year until I can afford the crowns! It is a skill I am proud to cultivate.

Bad News

Molly's moving. I hate today.

Call Me Crazy

So my neighborhood is sponsoring a 5k on Saturday May 16th (which also happens to be my dad's birthday-). It seems serendipitous since I have been Googling race dates trying to find something to register for to inspire me. So far I have run 3 different times, and I am using a Couch to 5k plan that has me running for 60 seconds and walking for 90, alternately. I have been completely sedentary until now, so the longest I have continuously run is close to 2 minutes. Seriously. Is it crazy to think that I could run a 5k in 3 weeks? Hannah would say no, but she's not always the best gauge, being Superwoman and all. So maybe I could get some different opinions? Especially from runners? And what should my training be like for the next 3 weeks?
Hannah, I love you. It's just that sometimes you make me question your mortality, while mine is always quite evident.

Life with Reflux (a mother's perspective).

I've already detailed the horrors of nighttime reflux-induced colic, but here's an account of the rest of the side effects it causes. Sometimes she seems absolutely fine, other times she seems to suffer every textbook side effect of the disease. (Except for poor weight gain- for some reason she's go that down like a champ.)

Reflux babies must be fed on demand- no schedules allowed. That's fine by me since that's how I tend to feed anyway, except that because of the refulx, she needs to eat every 2 hours- sometimes sooner. During the day it is not uncommon for her to need to eat every hour and a half. There are two reasons for this frequent feeding: 1- they cannot or should not consume very much at each feeding. The amount they eat increases the likelihood of and the side effects themselves- namely spitting up and acid. 2- Feeding is a painful experience, and as they are reclined the acid comes up into their throats, burning as they try to eat. Swallowing is painful as well.
Besides being painful, feeding can be an extremely frustrating experience. She starts to feed ravenously and then pulls off either because she is choking, or because it is burning her throat. She pulls off in frustration, cries, realizes how hungry she is, attempts to feed again, repeat ad naseum. Eventually she gets so mad she is frantically searching but refuses to eat. In pain and hungry, we usually abandon that attempt and try again in a little while. Another reason for frequent feeding.
Of course there is the spitting up, but that has been significantly reduced by the Zantac she is on. Of course, she still 'ruins' my shirt several times a day and we can never be without a burp cloth when feeding. She no longer resists the incredibly vile Zantac which is a potent menthol suspended in alcohol. I tried it- it is truly heinous.
Sleeping is also difficult for the reflux baby, as laying down brings the acid up as well. They tend to sleep better on their stomachs, and it is sometimes recommended for severe cases of reflux. We alternate, depending on how she does and how much I need her to sleep. We still eat every 2-3 hours through the night. Sigh. At least she is mostly sleeping in her crib now! I wedge her in between the bumper pads and a boppy, so she feels secure. When she is particularly fussy she sleeps in bed with us, cradled in my arm so we can all get some much-needed sleep.
Another unfortunate side effect is congestion and wheezing. She has been really congested for about 4 or 5 weeks now. Constantly. We are frequently using the nasal aspirator to clear that out as much as possible. This also causing a lot of wheezing and the occasional cough.
Perhaps the worst symptom is gassiness- she is literally constantly gassy. Her stomach is hard and tight as she writhes around seeking relief, alternately pulling her legs p and flailing them about. I am frequently stretching and manipulating her legs, trying to help her. Even when she can pass gas, there seems to be little relief, as thre is always more that we cannot relieve.
So as you can probably tell, there is a lot of discomfort, pain, and frustration for everyone involved. Luckily she is usually at her worst when Bella is already in bed, so Bella doesn't have to stand by and hear the crying for hours, and I don't have to completely neglect her in order to fruitlessly try and soothe Fiona. Last night Fi started losing it right at Bella's bedtime which is a frequent occurrence. Timm was at work, so I had to put Bella down while trying to quiet Fi. The result is me rushing through the story and bedtime routine so I can get out of there and direct my full attention to the screamer. I'm glad that Bella's routine and attention is not any more disrupted than it is.
What I want to know is, why is colic worst at night? What difference does it make? Why do we have some days that go off without a hitch, and still more like alst night? What variables are there? None that I can tell.
I took her to an Ear, Nose and Throat (EMT) on Friday morning to rule out anatomical problems since her choking can be so severe. He scoped her and found nothing wrong there (her throat), but ordered us to go to the children's hospital on Monday morning to take some fils of her to chest. We need to rule out that there could be an anatomical problem causing her to aspirate into her lungs. Once that is clear, and I'm sure it will be, I will be referred to a pediatric Gastroenterologist (GI) who will diagnose reflux based on all of her symptoms. The only treatment we can really change is this case is to prescribe her a more proactive Prilosec instead of the mild Zantac. Colic sometimes improves at 3 or 4 months, but the cause and effects of reflux itself doesn't totally dissipate until their first year.
Oh deem, oh dee.
It's a good thing that I am experiencing this now because I have a better perspective after having Belle. I know that this time really is fleeting, just a stage, and i can only do my best. I am significantly calmer than I ever would have imagined, mostly because I have decided to be. She will scream no matter what, so I decide to be calm and collected. Why add to the misery by getting upset? I've yet to come to tears through through it all. We'll just keep on truckin'.
Incidentally I feel deliriously tired and keep nodding off while I am typing, resulting in almost intelligible writing. My fingers are not finding the proper keys or putting them in the right ordure of that matter so i better try and rest. Ha!
*edited to add* It is several hours later and I reread this post since I couldn't quite remember writing the whole thing, due to falling asleep during the process. I laughed my way through it, counting 16 blatant typos and leaving them all in place as evidence of my state of mind. You may find more...

Updates

Well, on the Fiona/colic front, things are kind of grim. The last two nights have included 3 hours of inconsolable, continuous screaming and crying. She is in such obvious pain and discomfort and writhes and flails without relief. I try Milicon, Gripe Water, and Zantac. Holding her on my shoulder, across my lap, in the football hold, on my knee. Rocking, swaying, bouncing,walking. Inside, outside. In my arms, the swing, the bouncer. Bottle, breast. Light, dark. Quiet, white noise, tv. Burping, farting, spitting up. We've done and tried it all. To no avail.

It is frustrating, maddening, and sad. I can't fault her for it, and although it drives me to the brink of tears and insanity, I am still sorrier for her than me. I turns out, dairy is in everything. Everything worth eating anyway. I was seeing big improvements even though milk proteins stay in your body for up to 2 weeks. Then 2 days ago I had a McDonald's ice cream cone. Over the years I have had numerous unverified sources tell me that they were non-dairy. It sounds asinine, I know, but how could so many unrelated people be wrong about such a little thing? Well they are. My first tip off was her extreme reaction of screaming and crying in severe pain for 3 hours. It was sudden, abrupt, and 4-6 hours after I ate the ice cream. I did a little research online, and it turns out the cone is just plain old reduced-fat vanilla ice cream. (Sorry, dad.) The next night gave a similar reaction, if a little less severe. The last two nights she has slept cradled in my arm, in bed with us. Today she has been fairly fussy all day, needing to be held and fed often, repeating all the aforementioned techniques. I feel like I've taken a huge backslide on the productivity scale, as in the newborn sleep-deprived walking zombie stage. I'm either busy trying to console and soothe all hours of the day and night, or exhausted from doing so. This definitely has a bit of the depression starting to close in on me. I am isolated, tired, an ineffective parent and covered in milk and spit-up. Once again I know it is a phase, but one that threatens to last at least another 1-2 months if it follows the typical colic pattern, as it has thus far. I can't believe I once said that I thought colic was merely an indication of personality... not so. My sweet baby girl is transformed into a screaming, writhing creature of pain, incapable of relief while I impotently try to console her. I'm making a Dr's appointment next week, continue to dose her with 3 different supplements and medication, and imposing stricter limitations on my own diet.
Bella updates to come...

Colic

We have it.
Or maybe I should say "colic", since the word is very loosely thrown around.
About 3 weeks ago Fiona started acting fussy, albeit not very fussy, but a definite change in personality for her nonetheless. My first instinct was that it was due to more milk in my diet, since I could logically link the two and the timing fit. With Bella I didn't change a thing about my diet except to eliminate caffeine, and I naively assumed I would have the same good fortune this time. She got very,very gassy, a hard and tight abdomen, spitting up, etc. Then as it persisted I came to the conclusion that it was reflux as she exhibits every symptom. Bella had reflux, but only suffered the profuse spitting up and none of the discomfort. I went to the family doctor, he agreed it sounded like reflux and prescribed Zantac. I was happy if only because it meant I didn't have to deprive myself of any delicious dairy products, and hopefully her discomfort would soon be alleviated. Now I'm not so sure. With the wonders of the internet I found that 2 other 'conditions' seem to aptly describe this as well. So I'm looking at reflux (or GERD), an intolerance to dairy products, or overactive letdown reflex. Hmm. Let's review.

Overactive Letdown Reflex

A baby who gets too much milk too quickly, may become very fussy, very irritable at the breast and may be considered "colicky". Typically, the baby is gaining very well. Typically, also, the baby starts nursing, and after a few seconds or minutes, starts to cough, choke or struggle at the breast. He may come off, and often, the mother's milk will spray. After this, the baby frequently returns to the breast, but may be fussy and repeat the performance. He may be unhappy with the rapid flow, and impatient when the flow slows. This can be a very trying time for everyone. On rare occasions, a baby may even start refusing to take the breast after several weeks, typically around three months of age.

Summary:

Gets milk too quickly: check.

Very irritable at the breast: check.

Coughing, choking, struggling: check.

Because of all of the struggling, it usually results in gulping and swallowing air, resulting in the gassiness and fussiness. Another thing to consider is that she eats better from a bottle, which would seem to support the overactive letdown reflex.

Foreign Proteins in the mother's milk

It has been shown that some proteins present in the mother's diet may be excreted into her milk and may affect the baby. It would seem that the most common of these is cow's milk protein. Other proteins have also been shown to be excreted into some mothers' milk. The fact that these proteins and other substances appear in the mother's milk is not necessarily a bad thing. Indeed, it is good.

Thus, in the treatment of the colicky breastfed baby, one step would be for the mother to stop taking dairy products. These includes milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream and anything else which may contain milk. When the milk protein has been changed (denatured), as in cooking for example, there should be no problem.

Breastfed babies who are sensitive to dairy in mom's diet are sensitive to specific cow's milk antibodies, in the form of proteins (not lactose), which pass into the mother's milk. Cow's milk (either in the mother's diet or engineered into formula) is a common source of food sensitivity in babies. Cow's milk sensitivity or allergy can cause colic-like symptoms, eczema, wheezing, vomiting, diarrhea (including bloody diarrhea), constipation, hives, and/or a stuffy, itchy nose.

Summary:

It can cause all of the same gastrointestinal discomfort, causing the 'colicky' behavior. Other symptoms I have read about include a rash,congestion and mucus, all of which she has.

So...the symptoms fit for 3 different conditions. Since I have a hunch about the dairy I am first trying to eliminate it from my diet. Oh dee. I'm on day 2. I'm also going to include chocolate in my abstinence because I'm worried about that too. Double dee.

My primary concern is for her comfort, because she is obviously in pain, but I cannot deny how frustrating it is to deal with a colicky baby. 24/7. It is not confined to nighttime fussiness, although it seems at it's peak then. Last night I only slept when I took her into bed with us. Today she was only happy while being held. It is not seeming to lift either...

Not helping the situation is that with my hands constantly unavailable, nothing is getting done around here. Since I'm also potty training (yay!) I haven't left the house in 3 days. I haven't gotten ready in 3 days. I have no social outlet or break from the girls. When Timm gets home, he is great to help as much as possible, but that still leaves me with the entire day, all night long while everyone else is asleep, and much of the evening. The house is a mess, laundry is all over the house, I haven't eaten real food in days, I smell like sour milk... As of tonight I am officially frustrated. My inability to be productive while being cooped up in the house that is in disarray due to my non-productivity is getting me down. When will I be able to get anything done? When will my house be comfortably clean again? When will I get a full night's rest? When will she stop crying and be happy and healthy again?

This doesn't paint the clearest picture, because I have actually been feeling very good since Fiona's birth. I am adjusting much better than I thought I was capable of and have been very proud of my state of mind and stress management. That is all a post I have been meaning to articulate for some time, and still will. But right now, I'm repeating "It's only a phase.... an indefinite phase, but a phase all the same."

TMI- Especially for Men

So my Maternity Medicaid is only good through today. Then I revert back to one of America's hundreds of thousands of uninsured middle-class citizens... Luckily, today I also had my 6-week check where not only could I receive a free IUD, but I was encouraged to do so. Birth control I don't have to think about for the next 5 years? Sweet. Especially since I've gotten pregnant twice on birth control. Yikes.
Every doctor I've seen has commented on my unusually small cervix, which makes various procedures much more uncomfortable than they ordinarily need to be. Apparently it's so small it has a name for this condition. I don't know how pap smears feel for most people, but I venture a guess it's not my experience. They are not merely uncomfortable but very painful. Timm has held my hand through many, including a colposcopy. (yikes!) Of course, I had to have one today. I asked the doctor how comparable the IUD placement was to a pap smear.

Dr: It's slightly more uncomfortable. You may have more cramping.
Me: Oh crap.
Dr: You have a very small cervix, so you may feel this a little more than the average person.
Me: Oh crap.
Dr: We're just going to pull your cervix a little bit closer.
Me: What? But- how do you pull an organ? Is a cervix an organ? I don't think so- Regardless, it's internal! How do you redirect my cervix? This can't be good.
Dr: You may feel a little pinch.
Me: Oh crap.

"Holy Mother of What the Freakin' Crap in the Hell &@*!?!*" ( is the nonsensical string of allowed outbursts that I thought.)
At this point I yell out several times and continue to moan, the pain so that I cannot contain it. It feels as though- oh right, they are pulling my cervix! Now- I don't think I have a small pain tolerance. After all, I had endured 3 C-Sections, the last of which I actually felt during surgery. But this freaking hurt!! A lot!! I dug my fingernails into my palms the entire time while they repeatedly told me to relax my knees and butt. Right.
I ask about bleeding and she says I will have some spotting afterwards. After they mercifully leave me to recover my composure, I get off the table. As I stand, plink, plink, plinkplinkplink. Blood dripping on the linoleum.
Me: Oh, you meant right now. Well, in lieu of anything else, I'll just help myself to some kleenex.
Good Hell- A- Mighty!
It's a good thing that procedure will last me for another 5 years, cause it super sucked. I cannot count how many times I kept repeating to myself: That was horrible. That was horrible. That was horrible.
Glad it's over.
Incidentally, I'm really counting on some special place in heaven for women for all we endure to bring children into this world, and then to make sure we do not bring more children into it. Brutal.