Mintuiae (i.e. my life.)

Just a few random items before I disclose the object of my latest obsession/infatuation/dream house.

• I didn't mean to sully the name of Utah or Utah County with my rantings about bizarre people in my ward. (And yes, I do live in Provo.) There are wackos everywhere (yipee!) it's just that when there is such a high concentration of Mormons here (or anytime there is a concentration of a single group) you are more likely to have some freaks. Hey people, it's just statistical. I didn't make it that way. More Mormons= More Weirdos. (and great people, yada yada yada...)


• Today Jill hand-delivered the most delightful gift I have received in a while! She heard me bemoaning the fact that my CK subscription ran out a few months ago and we're too poor right now to renew it. (I was poring over Michelle's recent issue.) I felt starved for the fresh ideas that were being placed in every one's mailboxes but mine- My idea books have come to somewhat of a halt with no new information coming in- Enter: Jill at my house this afternoon. A very large stack (say..20 0r more. I haven't yet allowed myself the joy of counting them or looking through them.) of my favorite Magazines! Mostly it is CK and Scrapbooks Etc. and I could not be more pleased. This will be something to do at my family reunion next week- I obsessively (remember the OCD part?) search through each magazine several times, looking for every minute detail that could be translated into an idea, then I meticulously cut them out, sort them, and glue them into my ever-expanding idea books. Sheer Bliss. Thank you Jill :)


• Speaking of my reunion, I decided to suck it up and try on the jeans that were too unbearably tight to wear- and they fit perfectly! Not the size I want to fit into mind you, but it's a step. It means I don't have to wear yoga pants in public every single day. Also, I treated myself (via my mom's generous gift of cash) to buy a couple tops and a skirt, so now I'm rarin' to go. No more pet food-sponsored t's for me anymore! ( I am wearing one right now.) Okay, so it doesn't start until Monday.


• To answer some moving questions that have arisen, we are hoping to be moving to Charlotte, NC. I searched and researched and studied to find the right place for us (OCD rearing it's occasionally useful head) and we are setting our sights on Charlotte. Timm is there interviewing now and returns Sunday. We expect a couple of offers, and will have a much better idea of our future locale in a few days.

Which leads me to my latest obsession: My dream house. I have ordered Timm and the agent to look at it tomorrow. I would pretty much but it sight unseen. (I have been searching their Real Estate for 6 months now too.) I have loved a lot of houses, but this is ours. In my head I've already seen us raise a family and go through all the seasons of life. It's meant to be. I will make it meant to be. Check it out! Click on details and you will get a full overview and more pictures!We could buy it on a teacher's salary!!! (maybe).

Long-Winded

First of all, I am glad to be back in the swing of blogging. I enjoy posting when I feel it relevant or interesting, and I love everyone's participation. ( Amie, you're not invading my blog!) But, I am like a frightened turtle coming out of his shell- Don't make any BIG MOVEMENTS! (Seinfeld reference) I have not ventured out to regulary reading other's blogs yet. I'm getting there.

WARNING: this may be the longest post I've ever written,a nd given my history of endurance, should tell you something. It's more of an essay really. Continue at your own discretion.

Since my blogging hiatus, I have been asked to lead a weekly 'Scrap 'N Chat' for our ward. It sounded a little cheesy, but I've come to really enjoy it. Every Monday morning from about 9:30-12:30 anyone interested meets in the nursery so our kids can play and we work on our various projects. If I'm prepared, it's just enough time to do a layout, or work on my quilt, get cards done, etc. Michelle and Hannah have both joined me and it's a nice relaxing way to start my week.
However.
Today was very small company. It was me, and two other girls from my ward. Both approximately my age, both with 2 small children. (One has a girl Bella's age, and a 1 Year Old. They are only a year and a day apart. Hells Bells.) They're nice enough, but we don't have much in common. As you will learn as you read on:

{ I had to begin surreptitiously taking notes because I knew I could never remember all this. I jotted down key words to share with you. I share it not as gossip, but as a discussion to open-}

Somehow we began discussing our children's sleep habits which I know can be a touchy subject if you do not have a good sleeper. One of them said that she lays down with her boys, or nurses her 18-month old every night until they fall asleep. (Which can be up to 45 minutes.) The other one's little girl sleeps on a mattress on the floor next to their bed, and their baby sleeps in the bed. { I know that many people extol the virtues of the family bed, yada yada yada- Don't be offended- I'm just not one of them.) The one with the two girls also said that when her nearly 2 year old was having trouble going to bed at night, they just kept her up until she was tired enough to fall asleep, which happened to be midnight! They both wondered how kids could fall asleep on their own, and I quietly offered Bella as an example. I told them she sleeps from about 7-7 every night, give or take, and take a 3 hour nap everyday. I just have a little routine with her, I put her to bed, and she falls asleep when she's ready. Ta-Da! Now I know that I have lucked out in that department, I know it's not always so easy, but I also don't think I would take the measures these women have so warmly embraced. When I mentioned the book BabyWise, they exchanged knowing conspiratorial glances and one replies, “That book is of Satan.”
Ooookay- I can see now what I am dealing with I thought. I don't subscribe to everything in the book, but it did help when Bella was ready to sleep through the night. (Without staying up until midnight, nursing her into unconsciousness, or me laying in her crib). Oh yeah, and they said that some General Authority said that you should never leave a child crying in a dark room alone. Apparently it's in a Handbook.
So, moving on.
Then we started talking about food. I mentioned that I was trying to convert to a Whole-Foods diet, avoiding flour and sugar, or the 'white stuff'. I thought this notion would be quite popular with these minimalist women, but woman A who told me the book was of Satan then told me that she thinks diets are wrong and they defy principles of the Gospel. They are spoken of as the ideas from “Conspiring hearts of Man.' "If everyone just followed the Word of Wisdom, there would be no need for dieting. "Hmm. So I asked her what about a Whole-Foods diet didn't jive with the W o W, and of course she didn't really have anything for that. It doesn't inspire us to eat refined sugars and factory foods to my knowledge. She says if they have it at the Cannery, then it's good enough for her. In principle, maybe so, but I certainly don't want to eat everything at the Cannery.
With regards to both of these subjects and knowledge in general, woman A told me that to avoid confusion she only reads the Scriptures. "I don't ever read any parenting books because then I have to sift through what is true and what isn't. If I just read the scriptures, I save myself a lot of time and just go directly to the source. "So, of course relying on the scriptures is a virtue we should seek to improve, but to essentially cast off all other sources of knowledge as unusable because they may contain some un-truths among the truth? She used examples besides parenting, including medicine-Why would you want to limit your learning so much? She basically alluded that any problem you have with food, parenting, or any other problem in life can be solely solved through the Scriptures and Prayer. Obviously I believe we should seek these sources first, but the Lord has given us a mind to use it, and others the same. There are a lot of people smarter and more talented than me in a lot of areas, and I'd like to think I'm smart enough to sift through it to find the knowledge that could be helpful. Whew.

Lessons Learned:

I love my daughter.

I love Free Agency.

I need to move from Utah.

For the most part, I love who I am.

I am most likely going to Hell.

Musings

Just some random thoughts bouncing around in my head. I'm sure you're all dying to know what they are- the things I think about when I'm trying to fall asleep, which thanks to my latest artillery of drugs, doesn't take too long anymore.

• Smegel has a sunburn. I know you are laughing, so I won't bother to tell you not to. I don't know why I didn't foresee this problem. The kitties like to go outside and sun and explore when Bella's in the back playing. Yesterday he and Dobby were on a lawn chair for some time before I called them in. Later I noticed Smegel's head and back looked red, but they commonly do after he wakes up. He gets all hot and sweaty. But then I noticed like an hour later it was still that way, and the folds of his skin were unaffected- they remained white. Poor Smegel. I guess it's sunscreen for him from now on. Now he really is a 'pink cat'. (Kids have referred to him as 'pink' in the past.)Luckily Dobby was spared because of her freakish amount of hair that amounts to more every day.


• Mister. I'm sure some of you will remember Mister and his delightful antics of peeing on various places in my house, particularly our laundry. Yeah, so he hasn't stopped. It's completely sporadic. Add to that he now throws up grass all over the carpet from his romps outside. I've decided that I am not moving with this cat. It will be a lot easier to move with the 2 little ones, and I don't want a new (to me) house sullied by amonia-reeking cat urine. (Apparently I do have limits.) So, anyone know a nice childless couple or a nice widow/er who wants him? He's very nice and pretty andnly pees out of jealously towards Bella and the other cats. Seriously, I need a solution. If not, does anyone know anyone who 'takes care of problems?'
• I'm really excited because Timm bought me a book on rug-braiding. I decided a few months ago that I wanted to take up the craft, if it was still in existence. My discovery of 'braiders' was somewhat like Michelle's quilting story when she realized it was no dying art, only on a smaller scale. I'm really excited, but I have one problem that keeps plaguing my mind. I guess I'm just one of those people who finds something to stress out about if nothing else presents itself. I don't know why- anxiety, over-thinking? Anyway, my fear is this: How will I ever have enough time in my life to do all the things I want to do?How can I pursue my own selfish and unselfish endeavors to my satisfaction and still be a good wife and mother? Even if I accomplish this to some degree, there will always be more quilts, rugs, or albums I want to make. I'm having a life-crisis because I'm realizing my own mortality as it pertains to crafts. Do you think in heaven I can still make stuff? Like, I know it's all perfect and everything, and we will obviously create... I know I'll be perfectly happy whether I braid rugs in heaven or not, but my mortal self needs the assurance of more time, so I don't go berserk trying to make everything possible before I die, because that could be tomorrow! Forget me husband, would he remarry, who would take care of my children- the burning question is- "But can I still CRAFT with my hands?!" ooo... because our bodies will be perfect, maybe I'll have like thimble fingers so I won't have the cracking, bleeding, and callouses I do now from sewing.
• I still have nothing to wear. I will try to raid Michelle's things when I am at her house on Sunday.

Dilema of Embarrassing Proportions

Day 3 of the Core Plan. It's going well, but I need to research some recipes so I'm not always eating plain fruits and vegetables. It gets old. Plus, my family may prefer more variety or actual meals.
But I have a real problem. NOTHING fits me. I am not exagerating. This is painful for my soul to bear, but barring pregnancy I am the heaviset I have ever been. I am in unchartered territory, thus in my mutiple sizes of clothing, I do not have such to accomodate me in present form. Seriously, nothing. People who have the misfortune of seeing me can attest to this fact. Now if it were up to me, I would be happy to while away my time in my forgiving lounge clothes, while dieting, waiting for my body to fit back into former jeans. (Okay, maybe not happy, buy I could deal with it for a little while.) I would limit social engagements, and when neccessary, my friends and family would be understanding. When I need to run errands I would wear my stupid workout clothes and people would wrongly assume that maybe I was on my way to or from the gym. Silently they would think to themselves either, ' Good for her.' Or something more like, 'Good for her. She needs it.' Good thing they don't talk to me. (By the way, my workout clothes include various t-shirts aquired while working at PetCo- Such as Science Diet dog food and Strut your Mutt. They're pretty much awesome.)
However- I am not in complete control of my life and every thing that intercedes with it. Damn.
In a week and a half, Timm has a family reunion that we will be attending for 4 days. What am I to do? Pretend that it's normal that I'm wearing this bizarre garb when I've never worn anything like this in public? It's definately a change from my usual style. Not that they are the fashion mavens of the world, but I can't look like ... this. Whatever this is.

{I realize that I'm not morbidly obese, it's just as heavy as I've ever been, and as you can tell my current dilema is the lack of clothes.}

What am I to do?

Maybe I could wear a sandwich board that says

" I KNOW I KNOW, I'M WORKING ON IT- GIVE ME SOME TIME."
thus covering the body and explaining at the same time, eh?

I'm off to Michelle's to watch Eva. Really Bella and Eva just watch shows, eat snacks, and play. I'm going to bring my quilt to work on. :)

Easter Resolution

Easter was fun. We spent it with Michelle's family which we do not do often enough.(See photos) Moving On.

Today is Day 1 of my Weight Wachers Core Plan. I am not new to WW, in fact I am a veteran-I am a Lifetime Member- On yeah! I first joined about 7ish years ago with my mom when I returned from my first semester at BYU. (oh joy.) I know Points like nobody's business. TO this day, I can tell you. GO ahead, ask me somethin'. Go on! I had great success, but since then I have waffled back and forth (mmm... waffles....) especially because of my depression. (They are very closely linked.) Ever since then, I've always tried doing it myself, and even though I know how to do it, it just doesn't seem to take until I am committed and have the accountability to go weigh-in. (dun-dun-DUN!!!) SO I'm sick of complaining and feeling horrible, so I took the plunge and I'm excited about it. (I'm always excited about any sort of plan. Especially if it's in my best interest.) So- all you sugar mongers out there- stay back! I have to kick the habit. Eventually I can have some, but it's such a trigger for me that I need to abstain for now. (my own personal rules.) I will report my weigh-in progress. (No comments neccessary, I am just being accountable. And I'm just giving the results- I'm not maschocistic enough to actually state my weight over the internet where it will remain for ALL TIME!)
Cool. That said, anyone on or know anyone on the Core Plan, eh?

And finally, some pictures for her fans:

(Namely her grandparents who live 2500 miles away who haven't seen her in 4 months.)

God Loves My Cat

So why can't you?
{again, with the pictures!!! There's supposed to be one of me and Smegel here. This is not good for the morale of a returning blogger...}

Last night I was laying in bed reading Jane Eyre (I can't believe I've never read it!) When I suddenly bolted upright in bed and asked Timm, "Have you seen Smegel?!" Even as the words were leaving my mouth I didn't know why I was saying them. I had no reason to wonder where he was or fear for him... Or so I thought. I called him and he didn't come, so I knew something was amiss. I swept through the house 3 times before I decided I'd better head outside. I donned my robe and went out to the parking lot. (Unfortunately for now, our view from both the front and back is sadly, a parking lot.) Timm got right up to come with me without being asked. (He loves tat cat.) I started kissing for him-you know, that universal animal calling noise you make- and calling his name. I felt prompted where to look, and that he would be hiding under something and too afraid to come out. I would have to find him. I called him almost continuously until I heard small little kitty cries. I followed the sounds and he emrged from under a car. Now, my friends- as most of you know, Smegel is no ordinary cat in more ways than one, but the one that strikes people first is the fact that he has no hair. He cannot be outside, he lacks opposable thumbs and outdoor survival skills! Plus, beleive it or not, these cats are worth a lot of money so I was afraid someone would find him and keep him!
Looking back I deduced that he probably poked his head out when Diana came over about 3 hours earlier and didn't get back inside before she left. I only knew he was missing for 20 minutes, but it felt like the whole 3 hours. I love this cat people.
The coolest thing, is that apparently, Heavenly Father does too! Seriously, I was prompted 'Out Of Nothing!' that I needed to look for him, and knew where to find him. What would have happened if I hadn't received or listened to that prompting? SO the lesson I learned is this: GOd cares about all of his creatures. After all, he evern created the hairless ones. He wanted Smegel to be safe. Maybe more so, He knew that it meant a great deal to me, so he cared. In the grand eternal scheme of things, it might be ridiculous, but Heavenly Father knew I cared, and my tiny concern was real to Him. That was a testament to me. I slept with Smegel tucked safely under my arm all night.

Humble Return

Okay, so here I am. Don't expect anything great, or even interesting, or explanatory. It's enough that I'm writing/typing, right?
After seeing Hannah's SPT I was really touched. I read it, then I read it over again because I was a little unbelieving. Then I went about the rest of my day and kind of thought about it every once in a while. I have seen, read, and heard so many warm things about me lately that I am somehwat puzzled by...Very heartened, but puzzled.

I have been struggling with depression for about 8 years now. I'm still trying to figure it out- My psychiatrist says that I ahve clinical depression with a lot of BiPolar tendencies. I tend towords obsessive thinking and anxiety. Apparently I have a little ADHD thrown in there just for fun. I swear I'm not crazy-I'm just, er..."quirky".
But here's the point. There have been a lot of ups and downs with my depression, and sometimes they revolve and cycle very quickly. I have made some bad decisions and have not always been easy to love. My worst fear at one of these dark moments when I was struggling to identify my new self, was that I was not worth the effort.
I believed that most people-friends, men, would decide that while I was likeable enough, I was way too much work. Too much drama, too many surprises and instability.
My family has always stuck by me, but sometimes we have the tendancy to believe it's because they have to.
Here's the good part, where it cheers up. (Or maybe I'm just at the peak of one of my rollercoasters and shortly after I will come racing down! That's the suspense of being my friend!) I have a lot of wonderful people in my life. Recently the question was raised that if you had your life to do over again, or give another one a shot, what would you do? I think for most of us the answer would be simple. I would never trade my life for anything because of the people in it. That's what makes my life worth living, and worth the struggle that it sometimes is- Because they have stuck by me until I could emerge from the darkness into the light once more.

Just today I had an actual physical sensation that I can only describe as though the pins in a lock were all alligning...It felt like the tumblers just click, click, clicked into place and I felt realligned somehow. I don't mean to sound all mystic and spooky New Age because I definately am not. I had a moment of clarity.

It's hard for me to believe that I could be praiseworthy as a friend that is worth more than just talking to. (Because everyone knows I can always do that.)The fact that I have friends (that's PLURAL!) who love me despite my "quirkiness" has had me taking a different look at myself today and wondering what I really am capable of-that maybe there is something there that has been disguised by the loathesome weight gain, and seemingly stagnant progress in my life that those who love me have overlooked.

Today I blogged again because I was moved by the words of so many people's love and support. I have an amazing network of friends and family who support me through the nitty gritty for a few laughs occassionally. IT is because of you that I am taking a second look at myself. Today I am reassessing what I can do, what kind of an impact I can make. I am not going to hold myself back because I do not feel adequate. Thank you all for giving me a new picture of myself.

(and I will blog again, less seriously next time.)

...and... ti won't let me post a picture. No mercy for the prodigal blogger.