(This was taken when I was trying to document my accidental self-eyebrow bleaching incident.)
My next post that I am contemplating is named after a Britney Spears hit- Good mail to whoever guess the correct song. Until then- that is, until I can sit down and force myself to commit to paper and public document my inner struggles, writhings, and failures...I have a question to pose. I have several recurring dreams/themes of dreams that I can't stand any more! What do they mean??? Some of these have been haunting me for YEARS, so I really think they are supposed to be telling me that I am apparently deaf to. Maybe some of you have better listening skills and/or training in psychology or dream interpretation. Here goes:
Most of you know that I dropped out of high school when I was 15 in order to attend Community College instead, then on to BYU by the time I would have graduated. I have never looked back on this decision- I think I have fared well from it and it seems to have been the right, albeit unorthodox, move for me. However- the universe may not think so. It appears that the universe is using this experience to try and tell me something. I have constant recurring dreams where I am back in high school, and I hate it. (No surprise there-) I am going about, but inevitably I can't find my classes, I am behind on all my work, I get lost in the building... many obstacles. I am feeling overwhelmed, when at some point I realize that I don't have to go to high school! I am finished with this phase of my life! I got a g.e.d. and went on to college and was thankful for it! See ya sucka's... I'm going to work like a normal 20-something!
What's up with that? It is so common for me to have recurring 'episodes' of this dream that they are commonplace. Do I feel unfinished? Am I seeking some kind of closure? Because the only sort of closure I ever thought worth receiving from high school was seeing my former classmates in the dreary, unsuccessful lives I pictured them existing. It's not that I wish this fate upon them, it is merely what I imagine to be probable for most of them. That, or they cease to exist entirely once my thoughts have moved on from them. What does it mean??
Then, on a related note- I have been having dreams about my first real boyfriend, Vince. (I'm only so happy that so few of you actually knew Vince so the mocking can be minimal.) We dated from the time I was 13-15, and let me tell you. A two-year relationship while in middle/high school is practically marriage. He was my first love and I was truly heartbroken when he cheated on me, sleeping with a ho-bag friend of mine since I wouldn't do the deed. (This is a lot of information, I now realize.) I am not calling her a 'ho-bag' out of spite, I'm merely telling it like it is. What else do you call a 15-year old girl who sleeps with one of her best friend's boyfriends of 2 years- over a period of time? I still remember the humiliation I felt since several people knew about the treason even before I did. Isn't that always the way? (For those of you who also had your teenage boyfriend of 2 years sleep with your best friend...) Nevertheless- this was an important and defining relationship in my formative adolescent years. I was heartbroken, but obviously I got over it. I didn't see him or think about him for years. I still haven't seen him in years, but now more than 10 years later I have frequent recurring dreams about him! There is no love lost, I am not pining for my short,high school wrestler pot head of a boyfriend- yet there is his, sneaking through my dreams so constantly like this! Sometimes they are romantic, sometimes it's just him, sometimes he and timm are in the dream (tho not like
that). These dreams have been coming and going for years!! Years people! In the dreams I always feel fond of him, so this has left me wondering if I am supposed to find him, get a hold of him, check on him- what? True, I imagine his life to have turned out fairly hapless and sad to this point (especially when held up to my shining, radiant example of how to live a productive and enviable life-) But what would my contacting him accomplish? Nevertheless, it has driven me to google him many times, try the online white pages, peruse Classmates.com, ask my brother to poke around in Philly- what does this one mean?!
And finally, the one that most appeals to my vanity. The frequent scenarios in which my teeth fall out. Sometimes I bite into some food, say an apple, and they just come right off. Other times, like last night, I find that several of my teeth are loose. Tired of them rattling around in their loose sockets, I decide to yank them, which is surprisingly easy. Only too late I realize that I pulled one of my front teeth, so now I am looking decidedly on the low end of my socio-economic status. I am mortified to be missing a front tooth, and Timm good-naturedly makes fun of me for it. Why are my teeth falling out?
What is happening to me? Is this the beginning of the Apocalypse? When I vye (sp?)for boyfriend of 11 years ago, long for my high-school social status and fear the decline of my looks (which has happened speedily over the last 5 months, BTW.) Tell me- what oracles, sings, revelations, messages, curses am I missing??
I forgot one more! Frequent versions including my best friends from 6th grade- my peak, my best year of school, before we moved and I transferred schools which was the beginning of my decline in many ways.
This nonsense has got to stop. When she was a baby, it started out with just a couple of stuffed animals of my choosing, and her favorite blanket. (And of course the requisite binkie.) Somehow, by small indulgences I am sure, we have arrived at this state. She hasn't taken a nap for 3 out of the last 4 days which is highly unusual, and last night we had a first: she woke me up screaming at 2:30 am for some
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