Not Again...

So last night I had the first, but probably not the last, disturbing dream about this new baby. I'm sure every pregnant woman has these fears and thoughts either in the fore-front or the back of her mind, but apparently mine run deep. I don't feel any abnormal apprehension about the health of safety of this baby- more of a 'what are the chances?' kind of attitude that I've had my share of heartache in this area and am likely to be passed over this time. But, my subconscious proves otherwise.
True to the nature of pregnancy dreams, this was very vivid and very startling. As far as I can recall now that the details have fuzzed over a little bit, I awoke in the hospital, unaware of what I was doing there. Turned out that I was a lot farther along than I thought, and I had delivered my baby, a girl, at something like 24 weeks. I remember that she weighed 4 pounds, which is pretty amazing for a 24-week old baby. I didn't know that I had delivered, let alone why, and was angry that they couldn't, or didn't stop the labor. The nurses kept hedging me and talking in circles until I screamed 'What happened?!?!' and then they told me that my baby died. She had lived for a few hours, but was too small to survive. (Apparently I was unconscious or something, due to the emergency state of things.)
I was sobbing and inconsolable, and I demanded to be taken to her. For some reason in the dream, instead I held a small plaster cast of her body. I just remember wailing: "Not again! I can't do this again! Not again....."
The fact that like Lola, there was no discernible reason for her death was alarming as well. It woke me from my sleep and I was obviously disturbed by it. Bella's pregnancy was plagued with these kinds of dreams. I hope I'm not in for that this time- I thought I was past that stage. Old habits die hard, I guess. I will refrain however, from choosing this baby's burial clothes in advance.
Only half-kidding.
Sorry, this came out more dismal than I intended! It's a good thing our subconscious is kept in the background, eh?

My little poppy seed

So. The pregnancy continues. I need to schedule my first appointment- I am only about 6 weeks along, setting my prospective due date at somewhere around...October 21st. Although I do have to endure the horrid heat and humidity in the very last stages of pregnancy, October will be a great delivery month here. It'll be in the 60's, no scary virus season, very temperate.
The way I see it, it is unfair when you cannot afford to satisfy the simple cravings that accompany pregnancy. Even from the start. Even though this is my 3rd pregnancy, I am still amazed at how quick the onset of symptoms is! I am trying to watch my weight very carefully and continue to eat well and exercise so that the end result of this pregnancy is much better than the first 2, although I am in considerably worse shape than I started with those two...
But like I said, it is hard to abide by good eating habits when you have very particular ideas about what does and does not taste good. Also unfortunate like I said is when you cannot afford to indulge these cravings, which only serves to exacerbate said cravings.
My recent favorite ideas, which may cycle rapidly and also be revolting and tempting within very short periods of time are (in no particular order):
Restaurant hamburgers (Chili's, Red Robin, no fast food. a big hamburger.)
Burritos. mMmmm.. Burritos. sometimes shredded beef, sometimes chicken, but I generally imagine them from the Tijuana Flats just down the street.
Hot Dogs (Preferably from Costco)
Cinnamon Rolls. (with frosting)
Pop Tarts. (very specific requests on flavor and style of eating-)
Jelly Bellies
Rainbow Sherbet
Soda, soda, soda...
That's all I can think of right now. It's so funny that with every pregnancy, at least in the beginning on each, I have craved protein and fruity sweets. Very strange, but chocolate is not at ALL tempting (for now). The protein thing I get because I typically don't eat much of it. Pretty much a real restaurant hamburger, fries, or a burrito always sound good. And I never have them. For shame.
I am ridiculously tired most of the time, and the state of my house and family reflects this in a sad and frightening way. I try to make the most of the days or hours when I have energy, but lately they are far and few between. Today I was violently sick for the first time. Apparently I cannot handle water on an empty stomach. (I usually take my pills first thing in the am to help with the energy factor...) Luckily Bella was in the bath so she wasn't startled by my vomiting in the other bathroom.
Bella is sweet, as ever. Yesterday I was apologizing that I was lame and a bad mom, and that we weren't having any fun, and just staying home... (More to myself than her I guess) and she just said "I'm sorry that you feel sick." Whenever she often reminds me that I am tired or I feel sick, she follows it up with 'Because there's a baby inside.' And sometimes, 'Come out baby!'
Sweet sweet girl to be able to handle me.
Today I also went out for the first time int he last 3 days which was tiring but revitalizing as well. Unfortunately, loading the dishwasher, the washing machine, and running 3 errands seems to have sapped me for now. So it is probably off to a nap or at least a rest while Bella does the same. And that is the progression of this pregnancy this far.
By the way- How can something the size of a poppy seed have this much effect on your body???!! (That's how big they purport he was just last week-)

New Items

Hey-
Quick update on my Etsy shop! It was a great opening thanks to the generosity of all who supported me. I just listed a few more things, so check it out!
Further Pregnancy Updates to follow...

Apologies

I would like to extend my apologies to any and all persons or things affected by my mood lately- including, but not limited to: my immediate family, my circle journals, my friends, my household, my waist, my tenuous grasp on stay-at-home-mom sanity, my running shoes, and any other entity that has had the misfortune of crossing my path in the last week. More specifically:

I'm sorry my house looks like this.
I'm sorry that I sent Moosey to the kennel 4 times yesterday.
I'm sorry that I haven't done Timm's ironing this week.
I'm sorry I've been lax about making dinner.
I'm sorry that I haven't exercised at all this week.
I'm sorry that I have gained a couple of pounds.
I'm sorry that I lost my patience a lot yesterday.
I'm sorry that I was so sound asleep yesterday morning that Bella's diaper had soaked her whole bed when I got her up.
I'm sorry that I wrote an overly emotional letter to my grandma.
I'm sorry that Bella only ate snacks yesterday with no real meals.
I'm sorry that I've only made the bed twice this week.

But.....





I'm pregnant. So. At least we know the cause of these shortcomings! Now- no more excuses. Time to clean the house.

{One more- my sincerest apologies that there is still visible, er, urine in that picture. I didn't realize. But even if I had, what am I to do? It's kind of inevitable. Sorry.}

To be or not to be...

Symptoms that make a case for being pregnant:

*lack of period (but just barely...)
*tired most of the time (but also a frequent symptom if mine...)
*actually crying two nights ago ( i never cry...)
*the ham and fried egg on an english muffin sandwhich. 'just can't get enough.' (I never crave protein...)
*in the past I have gotten pregnant very quickly (twice on birth control...)

None of these are by any means conclusive evidence of course. Friday I am taking a test.
Stay tuned.

Another Catch-All

It's been a while, even for me, again. So I will try to summarize the recent non-events of my life in as few words as possible while still retaining a degree of interest.
* Tomorrow will mark 1 month, or 4 weeks since I started Weight Watchers. As of my last weigh-in a week ago, I have lost 10 pounds and as of today I have lost 5 3/4". It is much easier now as my appetite has adjusted to eating less and I am not ravenous any longer. Now I need to work of making better choices and not just eat less. Eat less but more good foods.
* I started 'training' for a 5k that I have yet to register for. This involves me going on a walk/jog routine for 30 minutes 3 times a week right now. This last week I only walked twice because my knees were hurting, but prior to that I was doing very well and very proud of myself. My best jogs were when I ran for 1/2 the total time, a 5 minutes stretch being my longest period of continuous running. It is hard, but doable. It is infinitely easier when I go with just the dog (a great running companion) and an iPod and I can just zone out to the music. These times are hard to come by since that means timm has to be home to stay with bella, and I find myself balking at going with the jogging stroller. It is harder, and not as much- dare I say- fun.
* Timm has an allergic reaction to 'Leopard Wood' and looks a bit silly. He was turning something with it last night and apparently the oils have affected him thus. I don't know why, but I find it amusing that that the woodworker is allergic to some wood. That reaction combined with his cold and Bella's cold symptoms mean that we are home from church today. My excuse? Laziness and an aversion to going alone. You know, socializing and all that agony.


* I opened my Etsy shop a week ago today and had a lot better success than I imagined. Thanks to generous support from Kristi, Jill, Linda, and my mother-n-law, I made $136 in my opening week! That does not account for materials and shipping and the like, but it is still very exciting. True to my nature, I have been singularly focused on my shop this week to the detriment and neglect of my household. I am trying to balance it better this weeks. I have about 20 ideas that I already have sketched out to make, but am going to concentrate on making them the next 2 weeks, rather than posting them one at a time. I emailed everyone whose email address I had, but if I missed you, I'm sorry! Please check it out and spread the word!! Feel free to mark me as a favorite seller, order items, or request custom designs. I really want it to take off :)

*Lastly, I still don't know if I am pregnant. I may be, I may not be. I am really tired lately but it's hard to determine if that is related to pregnancy or an ever-lloming threat of depression. I haven't taken a test b/c we still haven't figured out how to pay for the Maternity Advocacy Program. Time will tell...
*That's about all for now. Hopefully I will soon be setting up an additional blog to feature my shop, so I will keep you apprised.

Thanks for all your generous support, financially, emotionally, and all the like.