Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Pregnancy

This whole pregnancy I keep wondering if this is the last time I will do this. At most, we would have one more child after this one, little Fiona. In many ways I would like this to be our last child, and would relish that thought when infancy proves to be a trying time. I anticipate having 2 at home will be a big adjustment for me, and one that will probably take a long time for me to feel comfortable with. Unfortunately I do not adapt well to change, stress, or any kind of disruption or chaos, so I am realistic in my outlook for this transition. Having said that, it also makes me a little bit sad to think that this is the last baby I'll have. Obviously being 7 months pregnant is not really the time to determine how many more children I will have- that would be a very biased decision. Time will tell, and if we do have another one it will probably be spaced similarly to these two, so we're looking at over 3 1/2 years from now.
I will never take pregnancy for granted, but it is hard. Even as I say this, I recognize that mine are relatively easy, physically at least. Lola's pregnancy was pretty much cake, aside from the usual pregnancy complaints. I was pretty much psychotic during Bella's pregnancy, it being just 3 months after Lola died. The combination of post-partum and pregnancy hormones, as well as mourning made for an emotional train wreck. (Which I need no help with under the best of circumstances...) Not knowing why Lola died made my anxiety for Bella out of control. So emotionally, not a good experience. Physically, not my favorite either since I had 2 pregnancies back to back. Not having a baby to show for the first one made me feel like I was experiencing an elephant's gestation.
This one has been really stressful for financial reasons. So many times I wondered how we were actually going to bring this baby into the world. Getting pregnant this time was an act of faith. I did not feel ready, but also knew there was a very good chance that I would never feel ready. After being prompted for months I decided to heed the call. We thought we had made what financial provisions we could, but when that fell through we were in quite a bind. (That's another post for another time-) Now we've been blessed to get Medicaid even though we were initially denied (another post-), so the financial aspect is taken care of.
Still, even in the best of circumstances, pregnancy is hard, and I find that they really do get harder each time. Each pregnancy has been significantly harder than the last, and it doesn't help that I started this one overweight and out of shape. I will be glad to call an end to this pregnancy, though that in no way means I am ready to actually have a baby yet!


All said- I do not take pregnancy for granted. I know it is nothing short of a miracle to bring a healthy baby into this world. It is an amazing experience, and one I am blessed to have done 3 times now- feeling your baby move within you and the bond you create with your unborn child cannot be matched or adequately described. I do love the opportunity women are given to give life to a child- I just don't know if I will do it a 4th time. If I do, it won't be anytime soon. I'm going to try and focus on getting Fiona here safely, and when parenting 2 small children gets the best of me, I can comfort myself during the stressful periods by telling myself 'this is the last time you have to/get to do this.' Whether or not that is true remains to be seen...

p.s. After Tasha asked about my registry, I did decide to register for a few things at Target too. As long as you're pretend-shopping, you might as well go all out, right? I like to pretend.

10 comments:

michelle said...

Pregnancy is definitely a one-of-a-kind experience -- wonderful, uncomfortable, even painful, crazy -- all at the same time. I'm so glad I experienced it, and yet I'm also glad to be finished with it! Seven months pregnant is definitely not the time to make family planning decisions. But it's good to take time out to fully experience it, just in case. I'm glad I got to see you pregnant, by the way -- it just wasn't seeming that real to me before.

charlotte said...

Can't say I can relate, but I am cheering for you! And way cute picture of you and Bella

Denise said...

I love your photos! Michelle is right--seven months pregnant is no time to be making family planning decisions. I never enjoyed pregnancy, but loved caring for babies. The tired cliche is really true about how fast the time passes, and about enjoying the moments with you children while you can. I can't believe that this fall two of my four will be in college. . . .

Tasha said...

It is such a time of opposited. I love that Sylvia Plath poem " I am a riddle in 9 syllables..."

That is a great dress, you look wonderful and I love seeing Bella and your belly!

Hannah said...

I am loving those pictures! I am more torn now than when pregnant about the size of our family. There are no guarantees so I think it is wise to enjoy the ride. Wait and see what mothering of two does for you and then go from there.

And yes- seeing you pregnant was great and made it that much more real for me. I still can't believe you are so close to the due date.

Jill said...

I think every aspect of pregnancy is a miracle, and I really can't believe there are so many healthy babies born in the world!

I also think pregnancy is hard, even when everything goes according to plan. Your body is no longer your own and that proves to be quite a challenge. I remember feeling like my body wasn't mine again until months after I'd finished nursing even, everything just felt different.

I think pregnancy and parenthood need to be a matter of prayer because we just can't do it all on our own.

I'm so glad Michelle took these pictures of you, they're beautiful and such a treasure to have!

Jill said...

I just checked out your Target Registry and didn't think you had very much on there. You might as well go crazy with it, you never know what you'll get!

Mother said...

As your mother, I hardly know how to respond to these feelings. I guess if it were a possibility, I would want to take it all away for now, and when sweet Fiona comes forth, gently hand her back.

For now, I can pray for you, pray for her, pray for Timm and pray for Bella! (Remember, you're the one who yelled out to me, in a time of panic and fright, "PRAY"!. You were just a teen. And so, I will say the same. PRAY!

Way darling photos.Good work, Shell!

rmt said...

I love you pregnancy photos! Your dress is darling and you look beautiful. Adding Bella in makes for such tender, sweet picture...I just love them.
Pregnancy is a very trying time. As I look back, I definitely took mine for granted, not knowing at the time that it would probably be my only pregnancy.
I think that you will know after little Fiona gets here (plus a few months to get over the post-partum emotions) if your family is complete or not. I agree with you that now is not the time to decide.
I like that you already have a 'Fiona' label, and I've enjoyed how much you've been posting lately! Keep it up!

Diana said...

It's good that you are open to just having Fiona and Bella or having more. You are so intune with your emotions I know you will make the right decision but I agree with Michelle right now probably isn't the time to be thinking about it.
I'm always thinking about you and am so happy that you're having a healthy pregnancy and that things worked out financially for this pregnancy.
You look absolutely beautiful.

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