Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Last year I didn't pick a word.
It's not because I couldn't think of a word, but because I could not think of how to narrow it down. When I thought, what do I want to change? How do I want to improve? Ha! The thoughts flood my mind so quickly and rampantly that soon I can't distinguish one from another. I seriously could not identify one quality or aspect that I could single out over another that I wanted to change. If I tried to settle on one I was immediately thinking, but what about ****, or ****- I have to stop/change/start doing that. The fact that I can't narrow down the myriad of ways I feel I need to improve seems problematic to me. 
So this time I decided to think, why is that? What is the root- why do I feel so...much less?
And there it is. I feel much less than most people. Not always, not everyone, but enough that it feels like a stumbling block for a lot of progress, or at the very least, peace.
So it seemed evident-value. I need to find and appreciate and believe in my value- intrinsically. Value that doesn't change based on my weight, my productivity, my creativity, etc etc etc. I could fill a book with my insecurities. The funny thing is, I like myself. I think I'm nice, compassionate, empathetic, genuine, generous, sometimes pretty,smart and funny as hell. Sounds pretty good, no? Except I seem to believe that I am fundamentally less than others. At my core I believe I am either less able, capable, or worth as much as the rest. Or if I am worth as much, I demean that value by squandering the potential I have been given and living less than I could. I cannot exist without measuring myself against all that I meet. People I love, people I admire, people I don't even know, people I see and judge as superior. I get insecure, threatened and eventually down on myself. And why? "Could it be...Satan?" I know his ways. I know the way he works, insidiously destroying our worth and sense of self. But I still allow it to work. Jerk!
So it comes to this. I need to identify and believe in my inherent worth that is equal to all others.
How? I read a lot of self-improvement books but I seem to negate most of that wisdom with my immediate self-deprecation. The only thing I know that works, but don't utilize enough, is prayer. That's how I will find it and beleive it in. So that is my mission this year, and for always.
Besides finding my own value I am also exploring what it is I value.Do I live my life in accordance to what I value, or do I waste a lot of time and my life on things of no import that merely take up space and time? 
So my mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find my own value while identifying what it is that I value.
Easy, right?


Jill said...

I hope you'll document the epiphanies of this process because I'm sure all your readers could benefit.

michelle said...

Sounds like a great word and a great quest for this year. I'm seconding Jill's request for documentation of the journey!

Diana said...

That is a great word Jessie!

Natasha said...

What a great choice of words, with all that it means.

I chose "engage" and wear it on a washer around my neck. It's still a struggle for me to be engaged in the task at hand-- when I am at work, I think about home. At home, I think about work. Most of all I want to be fully engaged when I am with my children.

Anonymous said...

I really like it and your reasoning for it- I know I could benefit from taking time to really determine what it is I value. I hope you share your thoughts on your process- you usually go all in on these kinda of things, so I know you are going to rock it!

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