Saturday, August 28, 2010

When I Say Too Much.

Miranda started an interesting discussion on her blog yesterday, and although I commented to leave my opinion, I still had more to say, so here it is.
As even the most casual observer should have noticed, I talk a lot. I almost always say too much and ask too personal of questions. I put it all out there, and what you see is what you get. I almost think of it as some kind of defense mechanism- as in, here it all is. Here I am naked before you (luckily not literally), so if you like me, awesome. If not, at least we got that out of the way and I won't waste time investing in a relationship that will hurt me later. Like me or not, but let's start from a clear place of understanding. 
Plus I'm not a shallow person; I am introspective and I am constantly examining my motives and trying to better myself. I need a lot of work.
So in a gesture of full disclosure, here are just a few more things 

Every day I still struggle to fend off depression.
Every day I try to make the decision to be happy.
Getting out of bed is usually the hardest thing I do all day.
If I didn't have kids I probably wouldn't get out of bed most days.
Even though I know sugar effects me adversely, I can't stop eating it.
Yet.
I never feel like I am enough.
I am easily threatened by women I think are better than me.
I hate this quality most about myself.
I think I have a lot of potential, but I am usually too fat/lazy/unworthy to achieve it.
Sometimes I believe I don't deserve to grieve for Lola since the girls I do have drive me crazy.
Motherhood is trying.
But I love my girls, all 3 of them beyond measure.
I usually treat myself like someone I don't like very much- or at least I don't think enough of to take care of.
I really care about people.
I have a lot of empathy, but sometimes I am too tired to reach out.
I feel like I am at my limit just getting through.
Sometimes I am too tired/lazy to wash my face at night.
I always regret it.
Sometimes I resist taking a shower because of the effort involved in getting ready.
When I do, it is like a healing tonic every time and I tell myself what an idiot I am for not remembering this.
I have a penchant for Lifetime movies. They are the perfect background for sewing and crafting.
I feel cheap because of this.
I don't want my husband or my kids to be embarrassed of my appearance.
But I'm not doing much about that at the moment.
Sometimes I think it's because I don't deserve it.
I can't watch commercials about animal abuse.
Sometimes I consider vegetarianism again.
But then I don't.
Sometimes I wish I could be a vet tech again.
But I can't.
I am paranoid that my house smells.
I have a huge mountain of laundry that I've neglected for days because I'd rather sew.
My purse is full of wrappers and crumbs and half-eaten snacks from my girls.
It's really gross.
I've had it on my to-do list all week.
I'm blogging instead.
I have the grossest feet you've ever seen.
They're pretty, ( I think) but cracked and dry like no one's ever seen.
I think I might need transplants. 
Or skin grafts.
No one ever ask me questions on FormSpring and I feel bad about it sometimes.
But then I remember that I probably don't give anyone a chance to wonder anything.
And although I'm pretty weird, I'm not particularly interesting.
I read a lot of self-improvement books.
I have a very small retention rate.
I don't think I do enough for the people I love.
Sometimes, when I am really depressed, I think it would be good to be institutionalized so all I would have to do is sleep and no one would expect anything from me. 
Everyone would already know I was crazy.
Going to church is hard for me.
But I know it is the right thing to do.
And I'm always glad that I did.
I'm usually pretty good about menu planning, but then I'm too tired/lazy to actually cook the meals.
I'd rather stay inside at any given time.
I am usually glad when I go out of my comfort zone and go outside.
Most of the things I enjoy are sedentary.
I am always glad when I do something active.
Even though this list is already very long (and boring), I have to force myself to stop listing my bad qualities.
I am a very slow learner and don't improve myself or my behavior very quickly.
One thing I can say for myself is I don't give up.
I may lay down a lot, but I always get back up and try again.
And now I've given you a lot more reasons not to like me.
But I hope you still do.
And I wrote this list for me. 
For now.
And later.

12 comments:

michelle said...

Oh, Jess. This was hard to read. For multiple reasons. One, because I see the good in you, I see the potential, the good intentions, the talent, the empathy, the good genes, the whole package. Two, because I can relate on so many levels. I have a post in the works on a somewhat similar vein.

All I can say is, I love the part from "I don't give up" on forward. (and the part about formspring, that really made me laugh.) Love you.

Melissa said...

Haven't commented in a while, but just had to say, that you are a creative genius. Love your sewing for your sweet daughter. How fun. I have three boys, so I have to walk buy all that cute fabric and just dream. Be easy on yourself. Remember, we all have talents, rarely the same as others. You have more to give than you know. Plus, you are beautiful and freaking talented! And people love and like you for you.

Shellie said...

Sometimes it's scary reading your posts, because it could almost be me writing, and this is definitely one of those posts! I relate so much to you, but I have so much respect for you because you just put it all out there and let everyone know that's how you are. I spend so much of my time trying to camouflage all of my bad traits and struggles. Keep picking yourself back up. You are a beautiful person with so many talents.

Anonymous said...

Long time lurker here. Would someone who is truly lazy saw a beautiful wardrobe of clothes and hair accesories for their little girl? Would someone who is truly lazy keep a faithful journal / blog? Would someone who is lazy run a 5k? Would someone who is lazy keep a tastefully decoated home? Would someone who is lazy coupon and mail plan and busget so well?
Lets have a post about your good qualities. It seems there are many of those as well. That is what depression can do sometimes. Make us feel that we are unworthy or lazy. But, please, try and be kinder to yourself! It is painful to hear such a seemingly beautiful and talented person be so debilitatingly hard on themself.

Jill said...

I'm always baffled when you talk like this because because this is not how I think of you at all. I guess these items are focusing on the other half of you, but I (and probably everyone else who knows you) see the hilarious, creative, energetic, fun, thoughtful, open, great, wonderful side of you!

My advice is to consider the source of these negative thoughts whenever they start to creep in, then disregard them immediately. You are worthy of all you have and so much more! Make that your mantra!

Anonymous said...

I am also a long time lurker. I stumbled upon your blog maybe a year ago. I think you are amazing! Form all the posts I have read, you have so many talents I wish I possessed. I was sooooo jealous of your post on your daughter's first day of school. It made me want to be crafty and sew...yet I have never even picked up a needle. It inspired me to find my talents.

I too have struggled with depression and know how hard it can be. Everyone thinks they know the right thing to say, yet, they just don't understand-because it isn't happening to them.

I am also a member of the Church, and I know that you know that Jesus loves you. Just thought I would say it :)

I look forward to many more posts. Also, I am jealous because of how beautiful you really are.

rmt said...

I love that you are so honest. I can relate to SO many things on this list. I seriously want to do a similar one (and then you can read and know that you are not alone, though maybe it would make you feel worse to realize that someone like me can relate to you so well...oh dear...)
Thanks for this!

Petey said...

I know how you feel. I often feel there is little about myself worth liking.
But at least you get up and try! I think that is one of the most redeeming qualities a person can have. Seriously.

Susan said...

I felt pain and laughter at the same time. I'm just not sure that I've ever done that much self-searching in such depth. You have taught me most of what I know about depression through your honest reflections,yet it always surprises me with the intensity it brings to life. You are a badger. Badgers are just that. They don't give up. Grandma named you that. Live up to your name! Badger away at these feelings and who said a little lifetime movie wasn't okay.
I think you might be mistaking the "lazy" part...and not one person has ever asked me a question on formspring. Love you.

Miranda said...

Aaaand now I'm crying. You seem to always do that to me. Isn't depression the most awful and fascinating thing? I already know that you struggle with depression because I've read about it before, except I forget about it completely the next time you post. It is something that I always feel like I can keep hidden even when I feel like it is eating me alive. Strange. As always, I wish I could hang out with you in real life. Then we could craft and watch Lifetime together.

I find that you have to remind people you have a formspring. Even then I'm pretty sure there's like three people that ask all of the questions I answer.

And...your mom is hilarious.

Molly Krauss Smith said...

I think the others' comments have pretty much covered it (especially Jill's). You're fantastic and I MISS YOU!!!

Robin said...

Hey Jess, remember me? Your horrible friend who never gets in touch with you? Sorry I am basically the worst at that :) But I think of you often, and miss talking with you :) As much as I cursed those 5AM wake-ups, that period of time where we slaved away at 24 hour fitness in the morning was so awesome.

It's so funny how much I relate to you on many of the things on your list (except the crafty part...i have ZERO ability there. And your kids :)). Yet, you are one of the "ladies" (bahaha, couldn't resist!) I always look up to/envy (for lack of a better word) for your talents and cuteness.

Anyways, just thought I would pop in and say hello :) Miss you!

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