When I Say Too Much.

Miranda started an interesting discussion on her blog yesterday, and although I commented to leave my opinion, I still had more to say, so here it is.

As even the most casual observer should have noticed, I talk a lot. I almost always say too much and ask too personal of questions. I put it all out there, and what you see is what you get. I almost think of it as some kind of defense mechanism- as in, here it all is. Here I am naked before you (luckily not literally), so if you like me, awesome. If not, at least we got that out of the way and I won't waste time investing in a relationship that will hurt me later. Like me or not, but let's start from a clear place of understanding. 

Plus I'm not a shallow person; I am introspective and I am constantly examining my motives and trying to better myself. I need a lot of work.

So in a gesture of full disclosure, here are just a few more things 

Every day I still struggle to fend off depression.

Every day I try to make the decision to be happy.

Getting out of bed is usually the hardest thing I do all day.

If I didn't have kids I probably wouldn't get out of bed most days.

Even though I know sugar effects me adversely, I can't stop eating it.

Yet.

I never feel like I am enough.

I am easily threatened by women I think are better than me.

I hate this quality most about myself.

I think I have a lot of potential, but I am usually too fat/lazy/unworthy to achieve it.

Sometimes I believe I don't deserve to grieve for Lola since the girls I do have drive me crazy.

Motherhood is trying.

But I love my girls, all 3 of them beyond measure.

I usually treat myself like someone I don't like very much- or at least I don't think enough of to take care of.

I really care about people.

I have a lot of empathy, but sometimes I am too tired to reach out.

I feel like I am at my limit just getting through.

Sometimes I am too tired/lazy to wash my face at night.

I always regret it.

Sometimes I resist taking a shower because of the effort involved in getting ready.

When I do, it is like a healing tonic every time and I tell myself what an idiot I am for not remembering this.

I have a penchant for Lifetime movies. They are the perfect background for sewing and crafting.

I feel cheap because of this.

I don't want my husband or my kids to be embarrassed of my appearance.

But I'm not doing much about that at the moment.

Sometimes I think it's because I don't deserve it.
I can't watch commercials about animal abuse.
Sometimes I consider vegetarianism again.
But then I don't.
Sometimes I wish I could be a vet tech again.
But I can't.

I am paranoid that my house smells.

I have a huge mountain of laundry that I've neglected for days because I'd rather sew.

My purse is full of wrappers and crumbs and half-eaten snacks from my girls.

It's really gross.

I've had it on my to-do list all week.

I'm blogging instead.

I have the grossest feet you've ever seen.

They're pretty, ( I think) but cracked and dry like no one's ever seen.

I think I might need transplants. 

Or skin grafts.
No one ever ask me questions on FormSpring and I feel bad about it sometimes.
But then I remember that I probably don't give anyone a chance to wonder anything.
And although I'm pretty weird, I'm not particularly interesting.
I read a lot of self-improvement books.
I have a very small retention rate.
I don't think I do enough for the people I love.

Sometimes, when I am really depressed, I think it would be good to be institutionalized so all I would have to do is sleep and no one would expect anything from me. 

Everyone would already know I was crazy.

Going to church is hard for me.

But I know it is the right thing to do.

And I'm always glad that I did.

I'm usually pretty good about menu planning, but then I'm too tired/lazy to actually cook the meals.

I'd rather stay inside at any given time.

I am usually glad when I go out of my comfort zone and go outside.

Most of the things I enjoy are sedentary.

I am always glad when I do something active.
Even though this list is already very long (and boring), I have to force myself to stop listing my bad qualities.

I am a very slow learner and don't improve myself or my behavior very quickly.

One thing I can say for myself is I don't give up.

I may lay down a lot, but I always get back up and try again.

And now I've given you a lot more reasons not to like me.

But I hope you still do.

And I wrote this list for me. 

For now.

And later.