Crazy Person, literally.

What we have here is one of those good news/bad news situations.

The kind where it's hard to tell which is which.

First, some background.

Obviously I have been absent for a few months. Part of that was just busy with projects and some hypomania after Timm got his new job. That eventually slid into a muddied, deliberate avoidance of blogs in general. I told myself it wasn't because I was depressed, knowing that avoidance of any and all social contact is usually my number 1 sign of depression . I also wasn't emailing, or talking on the phone. I had gone from running 25 miles a week, to not having laced up my running shoes in over a month. Pretty much just going to church on Sundays, and maybe grocery shopping on Saturdays. 5-6 days a week were spent in my pajamas all day, sleeping as much as possible, and steadily putting on weight. (12 pounds since Thanksgiving to be specific.) The only time I put my foot out the door was the unavoidable trek to the bus stop each morning at 7:30. In all honesty, I wouldn't even have bothered to do that except that it's much easier to have Bella at school all day. (That and truancy laws.) Sometimes I didn't shower for that many days at a time either. Full disclosure.

After you've spent 6 days straight in your pajamas, haven't left the house, and worn a path into the carpet from bed to couch to fridge and back, it's hard to deny that you might, just maybe, be depressed. Especially when you're daily routine involves sleeping on the couch every morning after dropping your eldest off at the bus stop while your youngest patiently absorbs a lot of Netflix-streamed tv.

Unfortunately this scenario is nothing new to me. I have been dealing with major depression all of my adult life. It's really quite tiresome and boring. So armed with my fancy new health insurance, I decided to go see a psychiatrist for the first time in over 4 years to try and see if we could find a different treatment than the one I've been on for so long. I didn't feel very good about the appointment or her opinion, so I sought a second opinion and waited 3 months to see a different doctor, which I finally did this week. Which leads me to the good news/bad news portion of this post.

The good news is that I probably do not have Bipolar II Disorder, as I have long suspected that I did and researched. 

The bad news is that I do show symptoms of the following disorders:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depressive Disorder 

and last but not least

Eating Disorder NOS ('Not Otherwise Specified')

You know, your typical OCD/ADHD/Anxiety-ridden massively depressed person with an eating disorder.

I got that diagnosis in Provo before moving here, but conveniently forgot about it until I had the pleasure of reading over my psychiatry records in detail. Hey, if anything can pull you out of a debilitating depression, it's reading over your medical assessments and lack of progress over several years from the perspective of a trained mental health practitioner.On a good note, she did indicate that I was very attractive. (That was of course one line mixed in paragraphs upon paragraphs about my obsessiveness over food, weight, body image, and self-worth.)

Right.

So for now not much has changed. This doctor agreed that I am probably nor Bipolar- II or otherwise. I see him again in a month and I sure hope we can make some changes so I feel alive again. Which is not to say that I am sad- those blessed individuals with no experience with depression probably don't understand that. Probably because of the antidepressants I've been on for years, I do not currently have a sad depression. It's the bored apathy that is wasting me. The inability to find any purpose in showering, dressing, or leaving the house. So in the meantime, I'll try to suck it up and make the tiny goals that brand-new mothers and invalids make each day- For tomorrow: shower, dress, and make the bed.

I also read a bit in my files about my Eating Disorder (NOS), which I'll explore in another post. In the meantime I'm planning on going to Weight Watchers tomorrow,  perpetuating my 'ED (NOS)'. I'm trying to remember the therapeutic benefits of writing, and will thusly torture anyone reading with an account of this roller coaster.

Good times!

Food, Part One- 'Eat Food'

{One of my more virtuous breakfasts lately.}

I have been thinking about food a lot in the past few weeks. I feel like I have enough to fill a tome, so I am going to write it in installments, based on my food mantra provided by Michael Pollan.

My curiosity-turned-fascination with nutrition began at least a couple of years ago as I seriously suspected sugar's role in my depression. I have long felt that I was in all seriousness, addicted to sugar. Much the same way that some people can have a drink without any problems, yet their neighbor is an alcoholic, I have a very real sensitivity to sugar, in all its forms. So I did what I always do when I am interested or curious about something: I researched it. Pretty heavily. It turns out that those who are prone to depression are especially prone to sugar sensitivity, due to their lack of enough endorphins and the endorphins that sugar readily provides. There is a lot more to it, but there's just a little nugget distilled from 14 books worth of information.

In the last 20 months I have read 14 books on nutrition, many of them specifically focused on sugar. As I began reading them I completely identified with them. So much of it described me in detail and just made sense to me. I read them in a near-constant state of head-nodding, yet failed to do anything about it for the last 2 years. Finally, in anticipation of my 30th birthday I was inspired to take action. I went 26 days straight without sugar, until I was undone by The Cupcakes. I spent some part of 3 days dabbling in the stuff again (almost solely devoted to The Cupcakes and their components), before begrudgingly climbing back on the wagon on Sunday. It is so much harder to get back on after you've fallen off.

 I know I do better the less sugar I eat. My skin clears up, my mood levels out, and I lose weight. One of the best side effects is that I do not feel consumed and driven by an uncontrollable drive to seek sugar in all its form at all times. (After I have detoxed, so to speak.)

I have almost completely avoided flour, and try to limit artificial sweeteners as well. By virtue of avoiding these ingredients, I have been more or less forced to eat more 'real' food. Just try to find a whole lot of junk food that doesn't contain some type of sugar, flour, or artificial sweetener. Not a whole lot out there.

{Another virtuous breakfast- note the 'sprouted grain' bread that contains no flour or sugar. It is supposed to have much less of a glycemic load and be metabolized a lot easier than typical flour breads. Tasty too. Note also my cocktail of supplements I have started taking daily: 3 fish oil tablets, 1 prenatal vitamin- NOT pregnant- and 1 vitamin D pill.}

{So gross. I exclaimed out loud and considered not buying this due to the risk of 'Fish Burp'. The very claim that it controls said Fish Burp was more disconcerting than if it had said nothing. I was unaware of the Fish Burp risk. Luckily, there was no need to fear. No Fish Burp here. *Shudder*}

So here I am again, on day 4 of my second sugar-free cycle. It sucks. I am uncertain if I will continue it or not. I cannot stop the ongoing dialog in my head- no, not even a dialog- more of a diatribe. It's not such a simple issue of sugar tastes good, although of course it does taste so, so good. It is fraught with emotional facets and far-reaching effects. I have a constant debate in my head, each side mud-slinging at the other in an attempt to get to the bottom of the issue. Some of the topics of debate include: What are my values? Is being 'skinny' really worth giving up something that brings so much pleasure? I love to bake- it is a family tradition, and one that links me to generations both past and present of women I love and admire. Besides, I am good at it. Am I willing to forsake it forever? (I am not good with moderation.) What is life about? Who do I want to be? On what do I base my value? Why would I deprive myself of one of life's principal joys? What do I value more: thinness, or the pleasures of food and baking and the camaraderie and affection it espouses?

Sigh.

I do not have the answer to these questions.

I want to be healthy.

I want to eat food. Real food.

I also want to enjoy something that brings so much pleasure.

I don't want to be a weirdo and set myself apart by my dietary restrictions.

For now I am continuing on my quest, waiting for the urges to ease up, as they inevitably do with time. Perhaps if I go long enough for the compulsions to fade I can treat myself occasionally. As long as I do not keep it in house.

Mortality. Huh.

Post Script: If you are one of those wretched naturally thin people who regularly indulges in total crap food and has yet to see any weight-related repercussions, measure your response carefully.

Tedium, in 3 Parts

Part I- A short play

Part II- A treatise on body image

Part III- A contradiction to the treatise

Part I

Last night.

Timm and I.

10:30 pm, a late night for us.

In a darkened hallway, heading for bed.

Me: So, I really think you ate my fortune cookie.

Timm: No, I didn't. I threw it to you, then I ate my fortune cookie.

Me: Yeah, but I put it down. I think you found it, forgot you ate your fortune cookie, thought it was yours, and ate it.

Timm: I didn't forget that I ate my own fortune cookie.

Me: Yeah it's easy to do. I do it all the time. I'll reach for something to eat and then I look and it's not there, and I'm like, 'Oh, man! I already ate that? Dammit!'

Timm: I do not participate in mindless caveman-like eating.

Me: Whatever, people do that all the time. It's not just me. They do!!

Which leads me to another point:

I'm fat.

:: Girls, my girls, if you are reading this-years from now- don't you ever say that. ::

Part II

Now allow me to sidetrack into another, ranting vein:

I am very aware of the self-loathing that comes from being self-conscious of one's body. I had these issues all growing up, and still do as I think most women do to a degree. It's an effect of growing up in our body-conscious culture that prizes thinness above all else. It begins to seep into us as children, listening to our mothers and other  role models as they pinch their fat in the mirror and begin to catalog all of the reasons that they are imperfect and inferior in some way, and thus unhappy. It can be self-directed, or merely the undue emphasis on one's appearance, for good or for ill, when assessing or describing a person. Celebrities, friends, that person in front of us at church, someone passing on the street. We are too emphatic about appearance and shunning or ridiculing those we meet with displeasure, or elevating and praising those we approve of. Ourselves included. Thus I have always been adament about trying to avoid this with my girls as much as possible. They have never heard me complain about my body or my appearance in any way. I may give myself a through redressing in my mind, but these words are never uttered in their presence. I try not to comment on others' appearance unnecessarily or to identify one by the way they look, to categorize them or label them. I tell my girls they're beautiful, but I always make sure to tell them they're smart, funny, caring, and compassionate as well. I had a friend when I was young, and her father was constantly exclaiming over how beautiful she was. As a 12-year old I was simultaneously a bit envious of this praise or her beauty that inspired it, but also sad that this was the only attribute her father had praise for. It was so one-dimensional and shallow, and even as a child I could recognize that. So can our children, so this is my small part to try and balance the constant bullying our children, our girls, will receive from the world- that they do whatever necessary to conform to the ideal, or deservedly hate themselves when they do not. That all hinges and depends on their beauty or lack of it. At least they won't hear it from me.*

Wow. That went on a lot longer than I intended. I can't even remember why I started writing this to begin with. Oh, right.

I'm fat.

Part III 
I kind of tired even myself out writing all that, so it must be equally or more so tiring for a reader. Let it just be known that tomorrow marks exactly 4 months until my 30th birthday, and I would really like to be a little closer to my goal by then. And by closer I mean, not fatter. Less fat. Maybe even verging on thin. Despite everything I said up there, I still do want to lose weight, and not just for vanity's sake. I just don't feel good, and I don't feel like myself. That's the worst part. This is the hardest time I have ever had losing weight. By that I mean, the hardest time I have had keeping motivation to lose weight. I am fortunate that my metabolism and my body respond well when I eat right and exercise. They let me lose weight appropriately, but I have just not been able to do those things. I have wondered why it has been so hard for me this time, and I think it is because this is the longest I have ever been overweight. In the past, it was usually post -pregnancy, and I just lost the weight. This time, I gained the weight when I moved to Charlotte. 3 1/2 years ago. Ahem. I think because it has been so long, those habits are more ingrained and harder to break. I have gotten accustomed to being fat and eating poorly. Even if I hate it, it is the easy way. I need to find a way to keep my motivation in my sites and remember that I can do it, I have done it many times before, and it is worth it.

Oh, I am so tedious sometimes.

*It should be noted that I am exceptional at diagramming a problem, forming vehement opinions about it, advising others, and then living diametrically opposed to that opinion because of the difficulty I have in bridging the gap between what I believe and what is hard to do. Call Me Badger reserves the right to these opinions at the risk of sounding hypocritical or dumb.

Farewell Friend/Foe

We had these for our New Year's breakfast. (I added my own faux buttercream frosting, cause I'm just not a glaze kind of girl. Why would you go for a thin and understated glaze when you could go all out with a powdered sugar thick and tooth-achingly sweet frosting? That's what I always say, anyway.)

I think they both enjoyed it.

Another reason to enjoy these gooey delights? As of tomorrow we are going gluten-free.

Timm has a history of Celiac disease in his family, as well as in his body. He has never treated it, but in the last few months Bella has started to be symptomatic- at least I suspect so. She complains nearly every day of a stomachache and she has the genetic markers so we are instituting a gluten-free diet. I have suspicions about Fiona as well, so as long as anywhere from 25-75% of our family has Celiac disease we're going all in. It's good for us all anyway, if not more than a little inconvenient. I am going to take this opportunity to go sugar-free as well, since the two often go hand-in-hand. Anyone who knows me knows I talk about sugar a lot and have tried or intended to give it up for a long time now. As long as we are giving up so many processed foods, I am seizing the opportunity. Wish us luck, and if you have any tips, please share!

Today I bought quinoa and corn pasta. Huh.

The Easy Road

A while back I started to come to terms with the fact that I am lazy, and I try to find ways to work with that character flaw. That's when I came up with this mantra. Recently I've had a new epiphany, which I specifically related to food and dieting, but really applies to any choices we make. Not surprisingly, it centers on doing the least amount of work possible. No, rather it centers on being as efficient as possible. Getting the most return for the least amount of work. Yes, 'efficient'-that sounds much better than lazy. The premise? It's easier to make the right choice in the first place. Take food for example: it's easier to eat the apple and avoid the cake. If I eat the apple the hardest part is to resist temptation, which can be really hard. But in return I gain more self-control, I exercise my muscle of resistance, I feel good about myself, and I lose weight, creating a virtuous cycle. If I eat the cake, the easy part is eating it. Yum. But then comes the inevitable consequences of eating more cake (still yum), weakening my resistance for next time, feeling bad, feeling guilty, gaining weight, and creating a viscous cycle. Bleh. Too many consequences. It's easier to choose the right (food) to begin with.

Imagine my surprise when Linda and I saw this poster at our last Weight Watchers meeting:

Ha! I didn't know President Benson was a Weight Watchers member! Who knew he was a dieting sage as well as a prophet? Well, whatever he was, he nailed my sentiments. Swap out 'better' for 'easier' and it's my philosophy exactly. So whether it be related to food or sin, I contend it is easier to do the right thing to begin with and skip all those nasty consequences- be it fat jeans or eternal damnation. A moment (or two) of self discipline, saving you from a lot of unhappiness. Sounds a lot like my other mantra: 

A little now will save me from a lot later.

I'm making laziness work for me.

On the Wagon

{favorite breakfast lately}

I am officially back on the wagon. 

For about a week and a half now.

That means I joined Weight Watchers again.

I guess 'joined' wouldn't be the right term since I am a Lifetime member. 

Rejoined.

Restarted.

It's good.

I feel good.

I feel lighter in spirit.

I feel strenghtened in resolve.

I feel capable.

I feel hopeful for the future as each day I try to see through my present self to the potential I hold.

Here is the recipe for these bran muffins, from Denise, via the All Bran box, with a few adjustments of my own. 1 point! Yields 1 dozen.

2 cups All Bran

1 1/4 c skim milk

1 1/4 cup white whole wheat flour

1/2 c splenda

1 T baking powder

1/4 t salt

1 egg

1/4 c unsweetened applesauce

craisins (optional- I leave mine out to increase the chances of my kids deigning to eat them.)

Pour bran and milk into a large bowl and soften bran in milk for about 5 minutes. Stir in applesauce and egg.

Mix dry ingredients in another bowl and add to the bran mixture, stirring just until combined. Add the Craisins if desired. Pour into greased muffin tins and bake at 400 degrees for about 12 minutes. (Your time may be longer as my oven is a bit hot.) I double this and put a dozen in the freezer for later. Yum!

I love those rare instances when I have a moment of clarity and feel like...myself. My weight has fluctuated over the years, but mostly with pregnancy. After I had Bella I lost the weight quickly and got below my pre-pregnancy weight and felt great. After she turned 2 it crept up a bit, but after we moved to NC I gained 60-yes, sixty pounds. Wow. Then I got pregnant with Fiona. Since I had Fiona I've lost about 50 pounds from my delivery weight, but I still have close to 40 pounds to lose. The closer I get to my goal weight the closer I feel to returning to myself, so why is it so hard to keep that in mind? I think it's a matter of faith and delayed gratification. Good food is instantaneous, right here, right now, whereas weight loss is a slow and arduous process whose results cannot be measured immediately. I know eating right and exercising works- it has worked for me many times before, and it is no small feat that I have lost the weight I already have. Why then, am I not more consistently dedicated? Why can't I keep in mind my true goals and desires more often?

At the very least, I am hoping that this slow and incremented process of losing weight ensures a better chance of maintaining the loss. I am really trying to focus on balance and making regular and consistent choices that I can live with.

On Saturday, before going to Chase's coming home party, I felt really good. I felt close to myself. A self that has been buried deep beneath the rubble of fat, self-consciousness, and at times, loathing. I feel like I am ever so slowing digging myself free, and the more I lose, the more I feel like myself again. I even act more like myself because I feel more free, less encumbered and confident enough to put it all out there.

I'm documenting all of this to help me remember how it feels to be me. How I feel when I take care of myself and when I treat my body with intent, love and respect instead of haphazard and indulgent debauchery. I turned 29 a couple of weeks ago and I really want to love my body and myself before I turn 30. I don't want to look back on my 20's ( at least the last half-) with regret and embarrassment. I want to greet 30 feeling the best I have in years, feeling like a competent and confident woman. A woman who is a mother of 3, has weathered a few storms and come out on top. A woman who has conquered anything set before me.

I've got one year to get back to me.

Dichotomous

Here are some of my daily thoughts:

  

I need to follow a strict whole foods diet. Absolutely no sugar or wheat. It wrecks havoc on    my system in every way.

Life is for living. I love food and I want to enjoy all of it as part of my life.

I want to lose 65 more pounds and be tiny. Like, beyond a doubt tiny skinny with no room for argument about it. I can wear anything off the rack skinny.

I want to let it go and accept myself for good or for ill, for small or for large, and be an example of acceptance, health and strength for my girls.

I am never going to grow my hair any longer. I love it short and funky and messy and easy. It suits me perfectly.

I think I might grow my hair out. It's looking a little weird.

I want to get up at 5 am everyday and exercise and pick up the house before the girls get up.

I want to stay up late and relish my alone time and wake up as late as possible.

I am okay. I am flawed and I mess up a lot, but it is the total of my parts that make me who I am.

I'm so screwed up. I'm such a loser.

Depression is not who I am, it does not define me, and it is not my fault.

Maybe this whole depression gig is just a weakness on my part. Maybe I am responsible for it after all.

I hate these stupid cats who poop and vomit places and I can't wait until I don't have them anymore. 

I love these stupid cats even though they smell funny and make my sheets dirty.

I'm funny. And cool.

I'm a loser. And a failure.

I want to move near my family somewhere.

I never want to move again.

I want to be thin at all costs.

I want to eat and bake and forget it all.

I am who I am. I can't change the fundamentals of my person, and that's okay.
I need to change and improve every aspect of myself.

I want to be a marathon runner. I want to run 5 times a day. I mean week.

I want to just incorporate normal physical activity into my life without spazzing out about it.

I think I might have a handle on this depression thing. Things are looking up.

I never want to get out of bed again. I'm done.

I kind of have a problem with balance. I think I might have latent schizophrenia.

Enough is Enough

To: Jessie
CC: World Wide Web
BCC: Subconscious
Memo: CUT THE CRAP.

Dear Jessie,
Until now you have been very wishy-washy with the whole Hcg thing, despite spending the money, despite having a partner (your husband) to help you through it, despite the need to lose up to 50 more pounds, despite really wanting to do it, despite vowing anew each day, and despite having an actual written list of 38 reasons why you want to lose weight. This has to stop. You are on day 15, and you have lost 9.5 pounds, although a gain tomorrow is inevitable after your behavior today. You have 25 days left and you can either continue on this path, wasting your time and ending up with a very small victory at the end of it, or pledge that you will fully commit to it and do what it takes to do it right. Anything worth doing is worth doing right and you know how great you feel when you take care of yourself. It is worth it, so from now on, you are following protocol each day. No more cheats, large or small, no whining, and no giving up. Just do it- it is a sacrifice for yourself. You are doing yourself and everyone in your life a favor.
Today is the day, now is the time. You are not behind, start where you are.

Sincerely,
Yourself
C.E.O. Jessie Tanner Inc.

At Odds

I have a problem. I want to be thin(ner), but I also really love food. Why must these be at odds? I love everything about food. First and foremost, it just tastes good. But there's more- I love baking. Cooking-depends on the day- but baking, rapture! I love baking for other people. I love the whole process of baking from start to finish, but especially the middle part that sometimes includes dough! There are some really wonderful things to make out there.
I also want to be thin. Sometimes I wonder, at what cost? Is it really worth it? I'll give you a different answer on different days. And how thin? Maybe I want to settle for slightly plump if it allows me to also enjoy the wondrous array of food this world offers. I mean, food is a basic component of life! It's everywhere! It's unavoidable! It's amazing! And besides all this, I'm fighting biology. Eating sugar literally sends more mood-enhancing endorphins to your brain, which for a depressed person is basically a little shot of happy in every bite. (Hence a high correlation between depression and over-eating-) How can I fight chemistry? You always hear health freaks or diet-do-gooders say that food is fuel, and only fuel. I've been thinking about it and I came up with what I think is a good analogy. Yes, food is primarily a fuel source and the reason it exists is to fuel our bodies. But to relegate it strictly to this purpose is like using sex solely as a means of procreation. Sex exists to create life on earth, however it can also be really fun! (Between monogamous married individuals, of course.) Besides their primary functions both food and sex can be enjoyed for other purposes and should be! Right? Probably the solution to this would be moderation. However, I seem to have a really hard time with moderation. With anything, but especially sugar due to the happy shots it gives. Plus it's really good. Then I think I should just focus on making better choices over time to live an overall healthy lifestyle and not fret over every bite and every calorie. Unfortunately this method is risky and slow.
So you can see why I am at odds. Why oh why must this disparity exist? Why can't I be one of those cursed naturally thin people who get to enjoy the food they like without consequence?

Day 2- Sugar Mintuea for my own records-

Today went pretty well.
Most notably, my mood and energy levels were even all day. That is huge- that is my main complaint and the leading reason for me to give up sugar in the first place. I took a nap this evening because I could but not because I felt like I had to. I felt fairly motivated throughout the day and was not eye-crossingly sleepy at any time. (I usually am on any given day at any given time.) I was able to do some light housecleaning (let's not get carried away-), do errands with the girls, play with the girls, do bath times and go running after they were in bed. Most importantly, I didn't get frustrated or irritated repeatedly.
I still haven't had/made the time to plan meals, or had any money to go grocery shopping for that matter, so my food choices may not be ideal or balanced, but it worked for today. For breakfast I made a smoothie, my breakfast of choice on most days. I made it with cooked sweet potatoes, banana, skim milk, protein powder and oatmeal. Oh and lots and lots of ice. 2 trays I think. Don't knock the sweet potatoes, it's really good. Bella loves it too. So I got my fruit, vegetable, good carb, protein and fat-free dairy. Then for lunch I had a quick bowl of brown rice, canned chicken and whole peas. I had a snack of cheese later and plain shredded wheat with skim milk for dinner. After my run I finished some more of my sweet potato smoothie and some Triscuits. Kind of random, but ZERO sugar or flour today. I feel good. AND- our home teachers brought us a box of Dunkin Donut's donut holes, and I abstained. Of course, they're still on the kitchen table so Timm better get eating.
To answer a repeatedly-asked question, I am doing this before vacation because if I didn't I would probably come back 50 pounds heavier. I have already been reading about it and thinking about doing it and I figured I had better get a head start before I enter the lion's den. The lion's den is a diet-free zone where I am not in complete control of the menus, the food selection and will be buffeted with sweets and treats on every side. If I didn't have some sort of buffer ahead of time I'm afraid I would just eat my way through 3 weeks, come back heavier than before i started Weight Watchers and in a downward spiral of weight gain. So I'm heading it off at the pass.
I (briefly) tried to quit sugar a few years ago, but I think it was based on some noble and lofty ideal. This time it is because I have long suspected that sugar has something to do with my mood swings, depression and chronic fatigue. This time I am doing what I do best, reading all I can about the subject, so I am backed with scientific evidence and horrific nutritional facts. This time I am approaching it from a holistic viewpoint as a way to help treat the depression and other nagging complaints I have been plagued with for years.
As for couponing, you raise a good point, kind of. For one thing, I really believe there can be benefit for anyone to coupon, no matter what you buy or eat. For instance, it will still enable me to get toiletries for free or nearly free. I still buy rice, oatmeal, couscous, frozen and canned veggies, meat, cooking ingredients, whole-grain cereal, yogurt, cheese, milk...I have coupons for all of these things. Plus, the only better deal than a really great deal is not buying it at all. It's true that I do not get coupons for some things which is regrettable. I haven't quite figured out what to do about that. For instance, I wish we could eat salmon twice a week but we can't afford it. We don't even eat t once a month, but we all love it. I am planning on starting a garden and growing it as large as I can handle eventually, doing lots of canning and preserving so that will help cut down on the budget. It's too bad that eating well frequently costs more than poor nutrition.
I do have an advantage that I have been 'dieting' for 5 months already, having lost 33 pounds, so these new restrictions are not totally foreign. I have been in training for a while now. If I were going from my previous eating habits straight to no sugar and flour I would have hurt many people by now, day 2.
So we continue.
And really, check it out- Sugar Shock!
p.s. I went to the high school tonight for the first time. I only felt like doing 9 laps instead of my intended 12 to make 3 miles, however I only walked 1.5 of the 9 laps! Yay me!

One down.

Day One without sugar.
Not good.
but I did only eat a very nominal amount. Very. I had a bowl of Cheerios, which has about a gram of sugar, a few baby banana cookies which each have about a gram and some Cool Whip Free that has that high fructose corn syrup nonsense in it even though it only has 15 calories. I wanted to go totally cold turkey, but that's pretty close. I did have 2 Coke Zeros, which I also wanted to nix but I'm not sure I can do sugar and crack at the same time.
This latest book I'm reading called Sugar Shock is very interesting and informative. I will be highly recommending it to everyone, so get your arsenal of defense ready if you don't want to be swayed.
I wish I owned the book (it's a library book) because I want to mark it, highlight it, dog ear it... I have to keep reminding myself that it will get easier the longer I abstain from the villainous sugar in all its forms. I have to wait and allow my body to detox. Right now my body, my blood, my brain screams for the white stuff, but it will abate in time. I just need to hang in there and be patient. One of the hard parts is figuring out what to eat- since I'm avoiding sugar in all of it's forms, as an ingredient in any product as well as white flour and it as an ingredient it eliminates a lot of things. I have to think protein, and I've never been especially drawn to protein. i don't do well hungry so I better find some things to eat. That's going to mean eliminating most packaged foods and a lot of planning on my part.
Day One down.

Looking Up

I have a very long list, about 40 specific reasons that I want to lose weight. I wrote it to cement the goal in my mind, to fully bring to realization the myriad of benefits and dreams that achieving that goal will bring. I need to also work on mental rehearsing-picturing where I want to be, what it will be like, look like, feel like. Sometimes these goals seem too lofty or vague to bring me to my senses or to maintain my motivation when it is lagging. So today I thought of just a few reasons to hold on and keep at it. Even if just for a day longer.

1. I am going to the beach for a week in June.
2. I am going to Utah in July and August and will see many people who haven't seen my since I was pregnant with Fiona. It will be a perfect opportunity to reveal myself and my progress. I want to be proud of what I present.
3. Hannah wants to run a 5k when I am in Utah.
4. I want to find a 5k to run here, soon.
5. I got a great encouraging letter from Tasha today!
6. When I went 'running' today, parts were a little bit easier than they were last time.
7. I held out during the hard times, and it is getting easier again. There is an ebb and flow, but I didn't give up or give in- I'm in this for life.
8. My new favorite dessert is Breyers No-Sugar Added Double Churn vanilla iced cream with All Bran (and sometimes Rice Krispies) for a topping. (1/2 c of this ice cream is only 90 calories and 4 grams of fiber- one point!! Although I never eat 1/2 c serving...)
9. I have eliminated a lot of the white stuff (sugar and white flour) from my diet.
10. My family is eating well.
11. I like the way I feel all bouncy when I put on my running shoes.
12. I will be at the pool constantly with my girls this summer.

That's about it for now.
Things are looking up.

Stalled

I'm struggling.
I don't know why my weight loss success is not fluid. At my last meeting, nearly a week ago I lost an amazing 3.8 pounds and achieved 2 great goals- a cumulative 19.8 pounds which I neatly rounded up to 20, as well as my 10% weight loss goal. I was riding high, proud of these significant achievements and like I was really gelling. The longer I kept at it (9 weeks at the time-) the easier it got. I felt like I was hitting my stride, had overcome the hardest part which was just beginning, and was even starting to recieve compliments on my weight loss.
Then what happened? A few things...I was really excited about my progress, but then I allowed those familiar doubts to creep back in, such as 'Well I suppose I look marginally better, but I'm still so f**.' (bad 3-letter world-) 'I lost 20, but I still have 50 to go. No one can even tell. I'm still wearing the same clothes.' Which is so dumb, because even if I'm not at my goal already, in such a brief period of time, I'm a lot better off than I was, a lot further along in the journey, so why give up, give in? It makes no sense! It's so much easier if I continue to exercise self-restraint, making each subsequent choice more automatic. Conversely, every time I indulge or give it makes it easier to do the next time, harder to resist. With every choice I am strengthening either my ability to resist, or the temptation to give in. Every decision moves me closer to or farther from my goal. Well, the past few days I've taken a hit, moved farther from my goal. That doesn't mean I can't rectify it or resume my stride, but it's harder. Definitely would have been easier if I stayed the course.
Another downer was Easter. A small, trifling thing, but I got dressed feeling pretty cute and curvy and clearly thinner than I was before. As Wynnona Judd says on Alli commercial, 'I may not be where I want to be, but I'm sure as heck not where I was.' True dat. However, keeping court with 100-pound girls and the detrimental effect of instant-digital-figure-feedback left me feeling bruised and bereft. Suddenly I felt foolish for traipsing around with the ridiculous notion that I looked good, even thin(ner). I ate very sensibly, but after I got home that degenerated for a few days. It's like once I taste sugar it drives me in a constant craving for more. Like I said, one bad choice led to another, to another et cetera.
So now I need to resume progress, effort, and face the challenge of beginning again. Better late than...later. Or never, even.
Sigh.
Why is sustainable change so hard to...sustain?

My lungs are burning.

Whew.
I just got back from 'running'. I use the term very loosely.
Actually, I warmed up with a brisk walk for 5 minutes, then alternated jogging for 60 seconds and walking for 90 for a total of 20 minutes, then cooling down for 5. So, mostly walking. But it still kicked my butt. And my feet. And all the rest of me. (It's day one of the 'Couch to 5k' program.)
But I am proud of myself. I have lost a total of 16.8 pounds and its amazing how it affects every aspect of my life. The last 2 weeks I feel like I've been kicking butt. Super woman. (for me, that is...) Clean house, laundry done, ironing, nutritious meals for my family, errand-running galore. It makes me feel like I am surfacing. Coming back to myself. Shaving away the excess, revealing my true self that has been buried for far too long.
Remember this, when I wonder why I'm doing this. Because I've lost 16.8 pounds. Because I'm proving myself. Because it gives me the confidence to do other things. Because I have more energy. Because it makes me feel like I am working, like I am conscious, like I am actively making myself better. And smaller. Because people are starting to comment on my changing self. Because it is worth it.

Return

Our computer is mostly restored, for now at least. I know Timm still has some tweaking to do, and I have what has become increasingly rare access to the laptop tonight so I am taking advantage. I like to combine sedentary activities whenever possible to really get the most mileage out of my butt-sitting time, so Timm and I are cuing up some Arrested Development to watch as well. This post will be one one those junk-drawer catch-all posts that I love so much and which frequently occur when my blogging goes sporadically.
Timm only had to work one night this week which is a first. Lately he works about 3 nights a week, down from 4, but this week, 1. It's great for him, for the family time, for every reason except the budget. Oh well, at least we can say we tried. I am enjoying it while I can. I'm also happy to say that after 5 1/2 years of marriage I still enjoy his company as much or more than anyone, and don't tire of it. Our low-key evenings are the highlight of my day. It seems like all I do all day is in preparation to retire and relax in peace.
I am on week 6 in Weight Watchers. I am excited. About 6 weeks ago I finally felt ready to give it a go, try and exact change. I was surprised to find how excited I was to jump back in. To take control. To work towards a goal. To make myself proud. It is going well:over 13 pounds total. Last week alone, 3.6 pounds. I feel like I'm making real changes, returning to self. It has so many positive effects for everyone within my influence. The success and inspiration translates to every area of my life. After my weigh-in this morning I was elated with my weight loss but still tired and unmotivated to do the day's task of cleaning the bathrooms. Using the momentum I gained from my Weight Watchers meeting I put myself to it and was very productive for the day. Another bonus is the healthy, tasty meals that are now regularly prepared for my family, the abundance of fresh and healthy options. I have more energy and I've recently started receiving those coveted gems, the weight-loss compliments. Things are good.
I've also been really productive this week, detail cleaning my kitchen, living room, and bathrooms. All that remains is our bedrooms. I taught Joy School this week, did my laundry, meal-planning, grocery shopping, even 2 or 3 social ventures, mostly with Molly. I feel largely on top of things, but tired. I can't say my limited access to the internet has hurt my productivity. I have a few other posts in mind that I will hopefully commit to the blog in the next few days, including my beginner's coupon tips and a video of Fiona in her crawling attempts and progress. Here, here!

Budgeting: Part II

So I've learned to do without a lot of things- to make do, use it up, or do without. (I admit that this is easier to do when you are blessed by many generous people who appoint you with things you would otherwise not have.) However, one thing I have not yet learned to do without is food. I think that food is the category that I have the most control over in our budget, the most flexibility and opportunity to save money, yet it is so hard for me. Always.
For instance, when I am dieting- or eating well rather, I want/need to be able to buy plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables to have on hand. I cook more regularly when I am conscious of what I eat, so I make out menu plans and want to be able to buy the required ingredients, which are never exorbitant. I like to have a few little diet treats, frozen things for instance, that make dieting easier. In short, I like to have options and variety and not feel too constricted in what I am able to eat based on what I can afford.
Or now for instance, when I am pregnant. I want to be able to indulge my whims of what sounds good at the time. Unfortunately this is usually a wide variety of things, and it seems like I usually don't have it on hand. You feel entitled to be able to eat what you want and pamper yourself during this short period of your life.
Regardless of how I am eating, I always have to eat- thus, I always have this dilemma. Shopping a few days ago I was taunted by all of the wonderful late summer produce available. I love fresh fruit. I bought some plums, peaches, and grapes because they were all on sale, but I was reluctant to leave without watermelon, pineapple, and Fuji apples. All of these were too expensive to buy- I always have apples on hand, but haven't been buying them because they've been too expensive! I love love love fresh cherries, but never buy them due to cost. The same is true of most berries, save my favorite, strawberries when they're on sale. I love bell peppers- but at least $2 a pepper? Forget about it. I would love to have fish at least once a week, and know there are great health benefits, but that is rare to never.Is it too much to ask to buy fresh produce and feed my family well at least in one regard?
I'm not a food snob- I love twinkies as well as fine balsamic vinegar. I want to be able to have various cheeses on hand for salads and cooking. I love to bake, and want all my basics stocked. I love to make smoothies, but frozen fruit can be expensive, and yogurt as well. Bella loves yogurt and wants 2 for breakfast every day- while it is good for her I can't always afford that! My last trip to the store, they had a crazy sale on 12-packs of soda that I couldn't resist, even though I've been delaying giving it up due to cost and nutritional value. So I got 1 12- pack each of Diet Code Red Mountain Dew, Diet Sunkist, Light Lemonade, Pepsi One, and Cherry Diet Pepsi- for $11! That's only 18.3 cents a can, people!! Tell me- do you really expect me to pass that up? I implore you.
I am not an ignorant shopper- I watch the ads, I buy on sale whenever possible, I always compare the cost per unit in everything I buy, I buy generic in many instances- most even. I am admittedly a sucker for a buy one get one free offer, which my favorite grocery store does quite often. At my most vigilant, I perused the online ads of 3 different grocery stores before making my menu plans for the week. Based on what was on sale, I made a menu using sale meats and other ingredients. I would go first to Aldi, a great discount store that carries limited items. Then I would go to my other 2 stores, Food Lion and Harris Teeter, buying the best deals at each one. Then I made a goal that I would not step foot into a grocery store between weekly visits- if we were out, we had to make do. Some of the books and websites I've read endorse crazy coupon-ing that I just can't get behind. They're going to 5 or 6 stores every week, using all kinds of discount and incentive programs in combination with many coupons to whittle down the cost. I am just not willing to go to that level! (For instance, in one week-or day- shop at the Dollar Store, CVS, Wal-Mart, local grocery stores, CVS again, etc.)
Somehow Timm and I also got used to eating out more than we should. Which is, never actually. (The amount of times we can afford to eat out-) That, like most things in life, is simply a discipline issue. I blame most of it myself and my laziness to plan and cook. If I were more on top of that we wouldn't have to resort to eating out because we 'had nothing to eat', or Timm was gone all day and night working at various jobs and had to stop to eat somewhere between jobs. Again, this is where I am failing to do my part in this budget thing. So between my desire for cheap and good food alike, packaged snacks and plenty of fresh produce, specific items for each of the 3 of us, in short a variety and flexibility of food- and my recent unwillingness to plan and cook I am screwing us over. I may have to suck it up on the first part of this equation (being able to have the freedom to just buy what I want) but I've gotta do something about the second- cooking. This has led me to consider something I haven't done in at least a year and a half: Return to 'Once a Month Cooking'. I think it would save us considerable amounts of money because we would always have something in the freezer, and could cook fresh things when I felt like it, avoiding the excuse to eat out. I would make much fewer trips to the store, avoiding impulse buys, which are many. My family would have the benefit of having nutritious meals every night, and I wouldn't be stressing every day about what to feed them, or the fact that it is cold cereal again. So- am I ready to do this again? No, not really. But I've still reserved 2 books at the library on the subject matter and am starting to peruse my old freezer recipe collections. Given some time as I adjust to a new baby, I think we may have to go back to this method to curb some spending and feed my family.

My little poppy seed

So. The pregnancy continues. I need to schedule my first appointment- I am only about 6 weeks along, setting my prospective due date at somewhere around...October 21st. Although I do have to endure the horrid heat and humidity in the very last stages of pregnancy, October will be a great delivery month here. It'll be in the 60's, no scary virus season, very temperate.
The way I see it, it is unfair when you cannot afford to satisfy the simple cravings that accompany pregnancy. Even from the start. Even though this is my 3rd pregnancy, I am still amazed at how quick the onset of symptoms is! I am trying to watch my weight very carefully and continue to eat well and exercise so that the end result of this pregnancy is much better than the first 2, although I am in considerably worse shape than I started with those two...
But like I said, it is hard to abide by good eating habits when you have very particular ideas about what does and does not taste good. Also unfortunate like I said is when you cannot afford to indulge these cravings, which only serves to exacerbate said cravings.
My recent favorite ideas, which may cycle rapidly and also be revolting and tempting within very short periods of time are (in no particular order):
Restaurant hamburgers (Chili's, Red Robin, no fast food. a big hamburger.)
Burritos. mMmmm.. Burritos. sometimes shredded beef, sometimes chicken, but I generally imagine them from the Tijuana Flats just down the street.
Hot Dogs (Preferably from Costco)
Cinnamon Rolls. (with frosting)
Pop Tarts. (very specific requests on flavor and style of eating-)
Jelly Bellies
Rainbow Sherbet
Soda, soda, soda...
That's all I can think of right now. It's so funny that with every pregnancy, at least in the beginning on each, I have craved protein and fruity sweets. Very strange, but chocolate is not at ALL tempting (for now). The protein thing I get because I typically don't eat much of it. Pretty much a real restaurant hamburger, fries, or a burrito always sound good. And I never have them. For shame.
I am ridiculously tired most of the time, and the state of my house and family reflects this in a sad and frightening way. I try to make the most of the days or hours when I have energy, but lately they are far and few between. Today I was violently sick for the first time. Apparently I cannot handle water on an empty stomach. (I usually take my pills first thing in the am to help with the energy factor...) Luckily Bella was in the bath so she wasn't startled by my vomiting in the other bathroom.
Bella is sweet, as ever. Yesterday I was apologizing that I was lame and a bad mom, and that we weren't having any fun, and just staying home... (More to myself than her I guess) and she just said "I'm sorry that you feel sick." Whenever she often reminds me that I am tired or I feel sick, she follows it up with 'Because there's a baby inside.' And sometimes, 'Come out baby!'
Sweet sweet girl to be able to handle me.
Today I also went out for the first time int he last 3 days which was tiring but revitalizing as well. Unfortunately, loading the dishwasher, the washing machine, and running 3 errands seems to have sapped me for now. So it is probably off to a nap or at least a rest while Bella does the same. And that is the progression of this pregnancy this far.
By the way- How can something the size of a poppy seed have this much effect on your body???!! (That's how big they purport he was just last week-)

Found! Missing 26 year old woman lost in the Southeast...

I have been notably absent for quite a while, even for me. We got a nasty 'virus' on our computer, which I do not totally understand, although the analogy works well for my imagination. In short, I haven't been online except for small glances at some favorite sites, but by and large I am ignorant and left behind in the overlapping worlds of blogs and the internet. Here are some favorite photos from the past 2 weeks, which should adequately depict my languid life.
I love this picture of Moose. I am a fan of the super-macro mode on my camera (in fact it was a determining factor in the purchase.) Moose however, if uncomfortable with the extreme close-up with a lens in her face. I love that squishy nose. Erin, you know what I mean when I say I squish it all the time. She is never safe from a little pinch between my index and middle fingers.
2 Sundays ago, Bella wore this darling dress for the first time. Denise made it for Charlotte, I believe, which would put it at about 20 years old. It was actually cold enough to wear it, so we delighted in taking pictures. So cute Denise. (this is what she did when I told her to put her arms down for the picture. Classic.)

I've since trimmed her bangs.

I learned a little lesson over the weekend. It is this: Destitution alone is not reason enough to potty-train your child. We had one diaper left, a negative account balance, and no payday in sight for one week. My options were thus: 1. call an acquaintance (since I have no real friends, to speak of-) and ask to borrow a weeks worth of diapers, consequently giving a shortened version of my humiliating dilemma, or 2. impromptu potty training. I opted for number two. I harangued Hannah for advice and started almost halfway through the day on Friday. Despite my best coaching and efforts, (see Exhibit A, below-) after 2 1/2 days, it was clear she was not ready. Timm got an emergency pack with the credit card to last us until payday, and we will wait another few months.

(Exhibit A.)

Bella is not very accommodating with the Self Portraits. Grr.

And lastly. Michelle sent me the most delightful package last week! ( I think...) In it was no less than 25 sheets of paper (a rare delicacy for me!) a sheet of journaling die-cuts, a transparency, and Heidi Swapp acrylic Clock Face stamps. It was like Christmas! I was just recently lamenting my lack of new paper, since my resources are few, and my monies fewer still. It was so delightful. I love all the paper, but some of them are painfully cute! Love it. Love her.

Oh, and I am on Weight Watchers week 3. Although it has not always been easy, and I have not always made the best choices, I am having success. Week 1 I lost 5 pounds, and I was very good. Week 2 was eh, and I was slightly worried about the weigh-in, but I lost another 2.5 pounds! (total: 7.5 lbs in 2 weeks :)I still struggle to make good choices and not eat a day (or two's) worth of 100 Calorie packs and Fiber One bars, but changes are in the making. Week3 started yesterday. Going forward...

Cognitive Therapy

Yesterday I started WW Points, again. Yesterday was also the first day that I have actually adhered to the program without deviation. Some would say maybe I should have done this before I reached a point where I now have to lose 60-70 pounds. Yes, really. Moving has not been kind to my fragile state prone to emotional eating. I have no friends here, but oh, I have food alright. I always have my old reliable pals fat, calories, and sugar.
But. I feel different this time.
Really, I do. And the only reason I can pinpoint for this renewed energy and attitude is talking to Hannah on Sunday. I don't know why Hannah seems to have so much wisdom and maturity when it comes to decision-making and action. Whether it is mothering, wife-ing, or just everyday choices, they seem to come so easily to her- Yet I know that she works hard at all of these things. She has a talent for making it look natural.
I was recounting my last week's failures yet again at trying to eat better and lamenting my lack of discipline and progress. She however, is succeeding in her exercise and diet endeavors. The main difference seems to be this: now hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen- this is BRAND NEW information. Revolutionary, I tell ya. She said " I just don't let myself make excuses. I know a lot of people do that and it would be easy to do, but I just don't let myself." To which I replied: "What?! Making excuses for myself is the only way I can live with myself and reconcile my failures!" Without excuses I'd be... accountable! (collective gasp!)
I make excuses for myself many times daily. Whether it is depression-a common scapegoat- being tired, a sore throat- really, I can find my way out of anything undesirable or something that requires more effort than I care to expend. Depression really takes the brunt of a lot of 'failures'. Many times I do not feel able to care for someone else because I am already struggling so in finding my own footing. It is easy to do, and maybe even legitimate at times. But no more. Somehow, this was a complete revelation- I know, sad. "What? You mean, just not make excuses? Just... do it?" Stripped of my excuses and plaintive reasoning, it's just... me. Me, with my goals and hopes and dreams and fantasies- I've been my own worst enemy.
I also began a very gradual, but consistent walking/exercise routine yesterday.
It is because of all this that I am asking, now, on one knee:
"Hannah, will you be my life coach?"