When I Say Too Much.

Miranda started an interesting discussion on her blog yesterday, and although I commented to leave my opinion, I still had more to say, so here it is.

As even the most casual observer should have noticed, I talk a lot. I almost always say too much and ask too personal of questions. I put it all out there, and what you see is what you get. I almost think of it as some kind of defense mechanism- as in, here it all is. Here I am naked before you (luckily not literally), so if you like me, awesome. If not, at least we got that out of the way and I won't waste time investing in a relationship that will hurt me later. Like me or not, but let's start from a clear place of understanding. 

Plus I'm not a shallow person; I am introspective and I am constantly examining my motives and trying to better myself. I need a lot of work.

So in a gesture of full disclosure, here are just a few more things 

Every day I still struggle to fend off depression.

Every day I try to make the decision to be happy.

Getting out of bed is usually the hardest thing I do all day.

If I didn't have kids I probably wouldn't get out of bed most days.

Even though I know sugar effects me adversely, I can't stop eating it.

Yet.

I never feel like I am enough.

I am easily threatened by women I think are better than me.

I hate this quality most about myself.

I think I have a lot of potential, but I am usually too fat/lazy/unworthy to achieve it.

Sometimes I believe I don't deserve to grieve for Lola since the girls I do have drive me crazy.

Motherhood is trying.

But I love my girls, all 3 of them beyond measure.

I usually treat myself like someone I don't like very much- or at least I don't think enough of to take care of.

I really care about people.

I have a lot of empathy, but sometimes I am too tired to reach out.

I feel like I am at my limit just getting through.

Sometimes I am too tired/lazy to wash my face at night.

I always regret it.

Sometimes I resist taking a shower because of the effort involved in getting ready.

When I do, it is like a healing tonic every time and I tell myself what an idiot I am for not remembering this.

I have a penchant for Lifetime movies. They are the perfect background for sewing and crafting.

I feel cheap because of this.

I don't want my husband or my kids to be embarrassed of my appearance.

But I'm not doing much about that at the moment.

Sometimes I think it's because I don't deserve it.
I can't watch commercials about animal abuse.
Sometimes I consider vegetarianism again.
But then I don't.
Sometimes I wish I could be a vet tech again.
But I can't.

I am paranoid that my house smells.

I have a huge mountain of laundry that I've neglected for days because I'd rather sew.

My purse is full of wrappers and crumbs and half-eaten snacks from my girls.

It's really gross.

I've had it on my to-do list all week.

I'm blogging instead.

I have the grossest feet you've ever seen.

They're pretty, ( I think) but cracked and dry like no one's ever seen.

I think I might need transplants. 

Or skin grafts.
No one ever ask me questions on FormSpring and I feel bad about it sometimes.
But then I remember that I probably don't give anyone a chance to wonder anything.
And although I'm pretty weird, I'm not particularly interesting.
I read a lot of self-improvement books.
I have a very small retention rate.
I don't think I do enough for the people I love.

Sometimes, when I am really depressed, I think it would be good to be institutionalized so all I would have to do is sleep and no one would expect anything from me. 

Everyone would already know I was crazy.

Going to church is hard for me.

But I know it is the right thing to do.

And I'm always glad that I did.

I'm usually pretty good about menu planning, but then I'm too tired/lazy to actually cook the meals.

I'd rather stay inside at any given time.

I am usually glad when I go out of my comfort zone and go outside.

Most of the things I enjoy are sedentary.

I am always glad when I do something active.
Even though this list is already very long (and boring), I have to force myself to stop listing my bad qualities.

I am a very slow learner and don't improve myself or my behavior very quickly.

One thing I can say for myself is I don't give up.

I may lay down a lot, but I always get back up and try again.

And now I've given you a lot more reasons not to like me.

But I hope you still do.

And I wrote this list for me. 

For now.

And later.

Mantra

'A Little Now Will Save Me From a Lot Later.'

This has been my mantra for a little while now. 

I thought of it one day as I was cleaning up my bathroom when I thought I didn't have time. I was rushing around in the morning and was about to skip it when it occurred to me that I could do it in less than a minute. Less than a minute of effort now, and it will save me from a lot more work later on, if I let it pile up. I am in essence, lazy, so I look for the least amount of effort to accomplish any task.

Since then it really stuck and I found myself repeating it in many instances.

A little now will save me from a lot later...

A little picking up will save me from a major clean later.

(That's the most common way I apply it.)

A little restraint in eating will save me from a lot of weight gain later.

Or, a little restraint will save me from a lot of work-losing weight-later.

A little effort getting ready in the morning will save me from a lot of misery, staying home all day feeling gross.

A little exercise will save me from a lot of guilt later.

A little faith will save me from a lot of heartache.

A little obedience will save me from a lot of repentance.

A little kindness will save me from a lot of regret.

I keep thinking of all the ways I can apply it, but it usually just comes down to the simplest form: 

A little now will save me a lot later.

It gets the job done.

In small, incremental steps.

Enough is Enough

To: Jessie
CC: World Wide Web
BCC: Subconscious
Memo: CUT THE CRAP.

Dear Jessie,
Until now you have been very wishy-washy with the whole Hcg thing, despite spending the money, despite having a partner (your husband) to help you through it, despite the need to lose up to 50 more pounds, despite really wanting to do it, despite vowing anew each day, and despite having an actual written list of 38 reasons why you want to lose weight. This has to stop. You are on day 15, and you have lost 9.5 pounds, although a gain tomorrow is inevitable after your behavior today. You have 25 days left and you can either continue on this path, wasting your time and ending up with a very small victory at the end of it, or pledge that you will fully commit to it and do what it takes to do it right. Anything worth doing is worth doing right and you know how great you feel when you take care of yourself. It is worth it, so from now on, you are following protocol each day. No more cheats, large or small, no whining, and no giving up. Just do it- it is a sacrifice for yourself. You are doing yourself and everyone in your life a favor.
Today is the day, now is the time. You are not behind, start where you are.

Sincerely,
Yourself
C.E.O. Jessie Tanner Inc.

My Day In Court

Today I had the privilege of attending my first court date. Nothing illustrious, just overdue registration on my van so I had to attend traffic court to waive the otherwise $150 ticket. I planned on bringing the girls, as I tend to bring them everywhere. I am loathe to ask for babysitting favors because I personally hate babysitting in most cases, thus I try to save others from a similar fate. Molly however insisted on watching them and I was very grateful. I took my book and looked forward to a few minutes of 'alone' time along with everyone else at the courthouse, but alas, the sheriff deputy promptly told me that reading was not allowed in the courtroom. Huh.
With my plans out the window I searched for other activities to keep me occupied. I compiled the following list based on my observations.

At 9:13 am in Courtroom 1130 of the Charlotte, NC Courthouse on March 5, 2010- I am Grateful That:
1. My name is not 'LaQuinta'.
2. I am not wearing a scrunchie.
3. I do not have a history of repeated failure to appear.
4. I have not frequented the courthouse often enough to be familiar with its layout.
5. I do not need a lawyer.
6. I am not appearing to answer to charges of assault.
7. I did not recognize any friends in the courtroom, giving a shout out.

And finally, on an unrelated note:
8. I am grateful that I do not have to list my relationship status on FaceBook as 'it's complicated.'

Note to Self:

Next Easter do one of two things: either omit fake Easter grass altogether, or remove cats from the premises.

Current tally of cat vomit stains: 5. Another day I question how long my cats might live and continue to soil my house and inconvenience my life.
At least the chickens would live outside.

Note to Self:

Do not plan to do ANYthing between the hours of 7 and 11 pm. Unless those plans are to endlessly pace the floor, rock, pat, shush, sing, sway, change positions, nurse, practice 'Serenity Now' and becoming zen-inevitably giving in to the roar of white noise that is incessant screaming. No reading, no watching tv (if you want to follow it whatsoever), no cleaning, no talking, nothing productive and nothing enjoyable. After 11 pm. you may ready yourself for bed as quickly as possible, hope Fiona will sleep in the nursery and dive into bed, hoping for a possible 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
We're 1 hour in for tonight. 2-3 more to go.

Note to Self:

No matter how much sense it makes at 3 am, it is never, under any circumstances, okay to tape a binkie to a baby's face. Ever.
Nor can you explain to said baby what '3 am' means.