Fiona at 4 Months

How did this happen? How is it possible that 4 months ago this little person was just a fetus, swimming around in my uterus with what I imagine amounts to gills, having recently lost the last of her tail?! Yet here she is- communicating, learning, rolling over, laughing, showing her personality...And so it goes. 3 days ago was her 4 month birthday. This last month seems to have gone by particularly fast-owing to the holidays I suspect. She chose this day to roll over from back to front for the first time and has been practicing it since. This was the very first time she did so, and she seemed quite pleased and intrigued by her new vantage point. Despite a small self-inflicted injury, she sure is cute, although she was not much in the mood for smiling. Too full of wonderment over her new accomplishment I believe.







I love those great big blue eyes that our girls are blessed with, along with that constant drop of drool poised on her chin, evidence of teething.
She is on a pretty good night routine of sorts. She goes down for the night promptly at 7 most of the time. She'll sleep for a few hours, usually waking sometime around midnight for her first feed in the night. There is usually another one, then a last one around 6 am. I'm not thrilled with the night feedings, but am so happy about the 7pm bedtime. I feel like that's when my day really begins. From 7am-7pm I may not be able to get much done in the way of productivity or enjoyment, but after 7pm, I'm a free agent. I'm trying to wean her off the night feedings, but she gets so mad! Her daytime schedule is not nearly so liberating. She naps often, as much as every 1 1/2 hours, but for only 45 minutes, precisely, each time. I can count it to the minute each time. You;d be amazed how fast 45 minutes go by when you are trying to clean/eat/get ready/rest/recover/enjoy...Usually it feels like about 15. Strange. Luckily she is pretty much happy whenever she is awake. When she is fussy, which is mild, it is generally only to eat, sleep, or be held. All of these possible reasons are easily remedied, so we don't hear much crying. When she does protest, she works up to it very gradually, as if to say "Um, hey- If you get a minute, could you help me out here? No rush, just whenever. If it's convenient. If you're coming by this way, I wouldn't mind being held, but don't worry about it. I'll just be waiting. Over here. So, whenever." If consistently ignored she will gradually increase her pleas until she gets the attention she seeks, but manages to be quite innocuous about the whole thing. Wonderful. She still smiles with little encouragement, and Bella can always get a good grin out of her. I need to take video of Bella doing her 'baby talk' to Fiona, a request I frequently ask when Fiona is starting to fuss and i am out of reach. Also, she's huge! Timm took her for a checkup about 3 weeks ago, and she was in the 75% for weight, and the 95% for height, although I'm afraid that's all in her torso and she has Taylor- short- leg genes. There's still hope. Speaking of those legs, she has the cutest super chunk legs that most babies have, but Bella never had. (Being in the 2nd percentile and all...) I love when she tries to communicate. All those guttural sounds she is fond of making, as well as the 'G's and attention-seeking coughs and yelps. I love to see her face light up when you imitate her language, as if she understands the exchange, or at least comprehends that you are communicating.
So that's pretty much Fiona right now. A love, a joy, a beauty. It's a good thing she's shed those gills and tail though, or she might not hold quite the same allure.

At Last

I think we're on to something.Last night Fiona slept in her crib for the whole night for the first time. Not through the night, mind you, but all night nonetheless.
Until this point, Fiona would only sleep in the swing during the day and occasionally at night, and only in my arms in bed at night. I swear.
When she was so tiny I didn't feel okay letting her cry it out and leave her somewhere to sleep that felt so vast and foreign to her. I believe that it is impossible to spoil a newborn. However, at some point good sleep habits have to be developed for everyone's good, baby most importantly. I hemmed and hawed trying to decide what point that would be as she approaches 4 months, the age when Bella could put herself to sleep. Last night it was decided for us. Our swing has been on the fritz which is not surprising since we bought it second hand at Kid 2 Kid for Bella. Yesterday it finally ceased to work after several maddening instances where it would stop swinging while she was sleeping, thus waking her up. So, I fed her and rocked her just into a delirious and drunken, though barely awake state and then transferred her into her crib. She stirred and began to cry. I patted her for a few minutes, then left her with the static from her baby monitor on, serving as a white noise backdrop to lull her to sleep. I timed her for 5 minutes when Timm went back in to pat her belly for a minute. She fell asleep and slept for 3 hours. That's all it took: 5 minutes. Done. I was amazed. She went down at 7pm, then woke at 10pm, 1am, 3am, and 6 am to eat. Good heavens! Now I anxiously await the next month when she will probably be old enough to go through the night without eating. I can't believe it was that easy. It makes me feel stupid that I didn't do it earlier, though who knows if I would have had the same results when she was younger. But I am making a note to self that it was so much easier than I thought and not to wait if there is ever a next time! (I say the day after, before we have proved it another night...)
Today she has taken two naps in there with similar results, so it's looking good. My baby's growing up!

Note to Self:

Do not plan to do ANYthing between the hours of 7 and 11 pm. Unless those plans are to endlessly pace the floor, rock, pat, shush, sing, sway, change positions, nurse, practice 'Serenity Now' and becoming zen-inevitably giving in to the roar of white noise that is incessant screaming. No reading, no watching tv (if you want to follow it whatsoever), no cleaning, no talking, nothing productive and nothing enjoyable. After 11 pm. you may ready yourself for bed as quickly as possible, hope Fiona will sleep in the nursery and dive into bed, hoping for a possible 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
We're 1 hour in for tonight. 2-3 more to go.

Colic

We have it.
Or maybe I should say "colic", since the word is very loosely thrown around.
About 3 weeks ago Fiona started acting fussy, albeit not very fussy, but a definite change in personality for her nonetheless. My first instinct was that it was due to more milk in my diet, since I could logically link the two and the timing fit. With Bella I didn't change a thing about my diet except to eliminate caffeine, and I naively assumed I would have the same good fortune this time. She got very,very gassy, a hard and tight abdomen, spitting up, etc. Then as it persisted I came to the conclusion that it was reflux as she exhibits every symptom. Bella had reflux, but only suffered the profuse spitting up and none of the discomfort. I went to the family doctor, he agreed it sounded like reflux and prescribed Zantac. I was happy if only because it meant I didn't have to deprive myself of any delicious dairy products, and hopefully her discomfort would soon be alleviated. Now I'm not so sure. With the wonders of the internet I found that 2 other 'conditions' seem to aptly describe this as well. So I'm looking at reflux (or GERD), an intolerance to dairy products, or overactive letdown reflex. Hmm. Let's review.

Overactive Letdown Reflex

A baby who gets too much milk too quickly, may become very fussy, very irritable at the breast and may be considered "colicky". Typically, the baby is gaining very well. Typically, also, the baby starts nursing, and after a few seconds or minutes, starts to cough, choke or struggle at the breast. He may come off, and often, the mother's milk will spray. After this, the baby frequently returns to the breast, but may be fussy and repeat the performance. He may be unhappy with the rapid flow, and impatient when the flow slows. This can be a very trying time for everyone. On rare occasions, a baby may even start refusing to take the breast after several weeks, typically around three months of age.

Summary:

Gets milk too quickly: check.

Very irritable at the breast: check.

Coughing, choking, struggling: check.

Because of all of the struggling, it usually results in gulping and swallowing air, resulting in the gassiness and fussiness. Another thing to consider is that she eats better from a bottle, which would seem to support the overactive letdown reflex.

Foreign Proteins in the mother's milk

It has been shown that some proteins present in the mother's diet may be excreted into her milk and may affect the baby. It would seem that the most common of these is cow's milk protein. Other proteins have also been shown to be excreted into some mothers' milk. The fact that these proteins and other substances appear in the mother's milk is not necessarily a bad thing. Indeed, it is good.

Thus, in the treatment of the colicky breastfed baby, one step would be for the mother to stop taking dairy products. These includes milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream and anything else which may contain milk. When the milk protein has been changed (denatured), as in cooking for example, there should be no problem.

Breastfed babies who are sensitive to dairy in mom's diet are sensitive to specific cow's milk antibodies, in the form of proteins (not lactose), which pass into the mother's milk. Cow's milk (either in the mother's diet or engineered into formula) is a common source of food sensitivity in babies. Cow's milk sensitivity or allergy can cause colic-like symptoms, eczema, wheezing, vomiting, diarrhea (including bloody diarrhea), constipation, hives, and/or a stuffy, itchy nose.

Summary:

It can cause all of the same gastrointestinal discomfort, causing the 'colicky' behavior. Other symptoms I have read about include a rash,congestion and mucus, all of which she has.

So...the symptoms fit for 3 different conditions. Since I have a hunch about the dairy I am first trying to eliminate it from my diet. Oh dee. I'm on day 2. I'm also going to include chocolate in my abstinence because I'm worried about that too. Double dee.

My primary concern is for her comfort, because she is obviously in pain, but I cannot deny how frustrating it is to deal with a colicky baby. 24/7. It is not confined to nighttime fussiness, although it seems at it's peak then. Last night I only slept when I took her into bed with us. Today she was only happy while being held. It is not seeming to lift either...

Not helping the situation is that with my hands constantly unavailable, nothing is getting done around here. Since I'm also potty training (yay!) I haven't left the house in 3 days. I haven't gotten ready in 3 days. I have no social outlet or break from the girls. When Timm gets home, he is great to help as much as possible, but that still leaves me with the entire day, all night long while everyone else is asleep, and much of the evening. The house is a mess, laundry is all over the house, I haven't eaten real food in days, I smell like sour milk... As of tonight I am officially frustrated. My inability to be productive while being cooped up in the house that is in disarray due to my non-productivity is getting me down. When will I be able to get anything done? When will my house be comfortably clean again? When will I get a full night's rest? When will she stop crying and be happy and healthy again?

This doesn't paint the clearest picture, because I have actually been feeling very good since Fiona's birth. I am adjusting much better than I thought I was capable of and have been very proud of my state of mind and stress management. That is all a post I have been meaning to articulate for some time, and still will. But right now, I'm repeating "It's only a phase.... an indefinite phase, but a phase all the same."

3 Weeks

{I'm really much bigger than this, unfortunately. This was taken over a month and a half ago. Close to two.}

What? Where did the last week go? I have no accounting for it. It's just gone.
I preface my statements by saying that I do not underestimate nor take for granted the miracle that is pregnancy. I know I am very blessed in that I get pregnant very quickly and easily, my pregnancies are only difficult in the myriad normal ways that pregnancy tends towards, I am healthy, yada yada yada. I know only too well what an absolute miracle it is to bring a healthy baby into this world. But.
I am so tired of it.
Seriously, how do women have so many kids? This is my third, and possibly my last pregnancy. My first pregnancy was probably the best- I was blissfully ignorant and mostly enjoyed each new baffling phase and symptom of pregnancy. All of these seemingly unrelated parts of the body and mind that were all simultaneously and dramatically affected by this force growing inside of me. It was exciting, new, and I felt like I was joining an inclusive and well-publicized club. Bella's pregnancy was obviously harder. I don't think I was anything less than psychotic for the duration of that pregnancy, and the physical part was difficult too, since they were back-to-back pregnancies. This time I started out heavier even than my delivery weight with the first two. Luckily I lost about 18 pounds in the beginning, due to dieting before I knew I was pregnant, so I've only net gained about 13 pounds, 15 total being my goal. Being heavier I think, has only exacerbated typical pregnancy complaints, and it is definitely harder now that I have a toddler to parent while I am pregnant. How do women go all the way to 40 weeks, or even beyond that? I am 33 right now and feel physically ready any time.
The mental/psychotic aspect this time around is nearly moot. I have produced a healthy child, so at least this time I know I am capable of it. I also know that there is nothing I can do to change the already-known outcome of this pregnancy, so I don't bother worrying about it. That has helped immensely. I had one dream at the beginning, but that was it. I'm just trying to enjoy it more than I did last time, knowing it's possibly my last pregnancy.
But. Can't a woman catch a break for sleeping at night? Seriously. There are a myriad of complaints that keep me from sleeping like I wish I could. First of all, there is the obvious bathroom breaks, about every 2 hours. Every time I wake up feeling bulging and with a rock-hard protuberance to navigate around. It takes about a 6-point turn to heave myself out of the bed to stumble to the bathroom. Once I return to bed, I often receive a volley of cramps (or 'contractions'- potato, potato...) due to my sudden movement. I try to ignore those for a few minutes until I fall back asleep. Then there are the sleeping positions: No back or stomach sleeping. Left-side is best, so I alternate between left and right sides all night, occasionally waking up on my back. It feels like I shift positions every hour. Who knows. Then there's the snoring. Yikes. It's really worsened (according to Timm) in the last couple of months, but apparently I keep him awake and he nudges me awake a couple time a night. Timm is indulgent and lets me keep the ceiling fan on all night because it is the only chance of me even falling asleep. I might use a sheet if I want to feel cozy, but I need all the cold air I can get. Our two stupid cats usually share the bed with us, and because they know I am ridiculously more indulgent, they sleep on my side. We only have a full bed as it is, and I am twice as big as I would like to be. Then we have these two hot sweaty cats sleeping side-by side between Timm and I and I rarely notice because they sneak in while I'm already asleep. And the worst- the acid reflux. What the hell? I don't remember having this problem at all with my first two, but I simply cannot comfortably lay down without feeling like my stomach contents are creeping their way up my throat, constantly threatening to spill over. I feel like my stomach resides somewhere in my chest cavity, and the horizontal position puts me in a precarious position to losing it entirely, making it's escape through my throat. No matter how uncomfortable this is, I can't seem to remember to simply stop eating or drinking for a couple hours before bed to give myself the best benefit.
During the day I shuffle around, kicking things around from room to room in an attempt to tidy up without trying to maneuver around my daily-expanding girth. When I muster the strength to bend down I look around for other things to pick up while I'm down there. I feel grotesque about 99% of the time and am still surprised when I daily discard clothes that seemed to have fit yesterday. I'm trying to do the minimum to keep my home looking presentable and not stress about all that is going undone.
So, try to remember after that rant that I do appreciate being pregnant. Really, I do. It's just that enough is enough already. But don't mistake that to mean that I am actually ready to have a baby. Just to have it outside of my body. 3 weeks from now, I'm not so sure...

Ramblings on Laziness

I'm afraid this might be the only real fun Bella's had all week. On Tuesday we had our friends Molly, Sebastian and Mia over to accompany me and Bella, respectively, in her little pool. It's so simple- you'd think I'd take advantage of this every day! She is thrilled to play in her plastic pool with little or no interaction with me. Add the hose for a while, multiple objects for to fill, dump, and refill, and it's sheer bliss.
It's under this little tent-like gazebo thing that is kind of an eyesore, but provides ample and necessary shade, so I don't even need to bother with sunscreen! (Okay, this is sounding better and better as I continue...)
Molly just laid Mia down on a towel on the deck and she remained asleep amid splashing and loud children! Bella never would have have done that as a baby- Maybe I will have such luck with Fiona!
Sebastian is a favorite of our friends. He's very cute, calm, funny, and not the spastic kind of boy that seems so common and made me fear having boys of my own! He's good propaganda for boys.
So I seem to have zero motivation or energy. I hope that I can blame it all on pregnancy or I'm in trouble. Usually that is the first sign of descending depression, but I've been pretty good in that arena lately. Of course the day goes better if I can just get myself going, then I at least have a little steam to carry me through until 'quiet time.' Then each and every day, we proceed with the quiet time routine, me growing ever more sleepy, then praying that 'if it be thy will, please bless her to go to sleep!' And then... nothin'. I mean, the last nap was last Friday, one week ago. That at least gives me hope that one might occur soon(ish.) So I read for a few minutes and fall asleep, only to be awakened moments later by my timer or her calls to see if quiet time is over. This inevitably leaves me cranky, as I feel like I barely fell asleep and I still have half the day to fill. The last few days there has been an over abundance of tv, and I am fighting feelings of guilt and neglect. It seems I am either sleepy tired and wishing for a chance to lie down, or lazy tired and uninspired to do anything that involves moving from the depression I fear that I've left on the couch. I try to think of productive tasks that can be done from the comfort of that cushy spot, but there seems to be little to none. I try and assuage my feelings of guilt and laziness by thinking, 'Oh, it's just the last few weeks of pregnancy. (less than 5 to go) Of course you're tired. Give yourself a break. An excess of tv won't hurt Bella for this short period of time, and besides- she's happy and doesn't seem bothered in the least. So just give yourself a break.' But then I think of every other woman in the world who has managed to have two children or more and am fairly convinced that most of them did not sit and lead an entirely sedentary life for weeks on end, unless they were placed on bedrest, against their will. I am always thinking of myself in direct opposition to who I term 'normal people' and that everything I think, do, or say is also in direct opposition to them. Also, I am going to be far more tired when I have a newborn, and that transition will last far longer than 5 weeks, so what am I going to do in that period? Rely on tv as a constant babysitter as well? At this rate, this could really continue for quite a while... So for today I am going to go get in the shower. (While Bella stays distracted with a show, of course-) A shower is always a good start to the day and usually precedes an actual getting ready routine, which is the only way possible that I might leave the house, or the couch for that matter. So off to the shower I go.

Single-Parenting Depair

This time away from Timm has been so hard. For several reasons, but mostly because Bella has chosen this time to be particularly difficult, presenting some brand-new challenges. There is a marked increase in tantrums, tears, and defiance, which I know comes with the territory of 3. (So far- I do NOT like 3.) But perhaps most challenging are the new sleep issues. Sleep issues are the worst because it occurs at the only time you can hope to count on for some peace and quiet and alone recuperation time. We've been pretty lucky with her as she's always been a fairly reliable sleeper. There was a time, just a few weeks ago, that every single night when I put her down, that was it. I never heard from her again. Just the way I like it. Now it's a total crap shoot every night. She's not napping anymore except maybe 1 or 2 times a week. I continue with our same nurturing and non-rushed bedtime routine, if just a little earlier since she's not napping. She's fine until the very end when she loses it over something ridiculous, I try to calm her down to no avail, and finally tell her I'm leaving. I'm trying to be more consistent because I always used to say 'I'm not coming back in here.' only to return some time later to see what she wanted or to calm her down. No more. I go in one time after I put her down, then when I say I'm not coming back, I mean it. Otherwise she would pander relentlessly for drinks, tickles, more stories, laying down with her, etc. Tonight she chose that moment to start bawling that she was hungry, even though she'd just finished her dinner less than 45 minutes before. I tried to explain that she already had dinner and she couldn't have anything else until morning. I tried to talk to her, it was fruitless, so I left for the last time. I heard her crying and screaming for about 10 minutes, during which time I called timm for support and distraction. Then quiet. I assumed she fell asleep. About 45 minutes later she's at it again. I listen at her door and she's pathetically whimpering 'please, please...'. So I am racked with guilt and a dilemma I don't know how to solve. Stick to my guns and let her learn to fall asleep on her own again? Go in there, risking starting it all over again when she begs me to stay and satisfy her demands and I leave again? So I chose to stick to my guns. The problem is, I'm not accustomed to these sleep issues and the question of whether to let her cry it out. I have no yet become immune to her crying and pathetic whimpers. Conversely, I internalize it so that I feel it too, so I am wracked with guilt and uncertainty. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. I just want to be consistent and do what is best for her in the long run. That would be much easier to do if I was assured that what I was doing was the right thing. So here I am alone, these 2 weeks trying to weather and understand these challenging new turns in her personality and habits. I hate it. Parenting is hard enough without having to try and figure it out yourself, or having no one to commiserate with and lean on. I call Timm with all my frustrations and ask for advice, but it's not like having someone here, on your side, to help you figure it out. Will motherhood always be this way? Guilt? Fear that I'm damaging her in some way? Uncertainty that I'm even doing right by her? Frustrated, irritated and challenged by her more often than I enjoy her? I'm tormented, and these last weeks with her have often left me in tears and desperation. I don't know what to do with this girl. I don't know what's going on with her, I don't know how to help her or to remain sane through it. I want to say it's just a stage, or a phase, but is it? Do I just ride it out, knowing it will pass in time and that it is perfectly normal? Or am I ignoring some need she has and until it is met this could continue interminably? Motherhood is fraught with questions and uncertainty. How am I going to do this again? How does anyone ever do it again?

I'm So Tired

It's hard for me to remember, was it always like this? Was I this tired all the time in my previous pregnancies? I'm pretty sure I was...I think with both my last pregnancies I was tired up until the very end, and then I was tired again. The only difference is that now I have a young, active child who doesn't understand my need to doze on the couch and let her mindlessly watch tv for as long as it takes. If I'm not sleepy-tired, falling asleep every time I remains till for a moment., I'm physically too tired and uncomfortable to do much of anything productive or fun. It's hard for me to see beyond being so tired since it only gets worse with a newborn. And again, I've never done this with another child at home before. With Bella I was tired and zombified, but I could also try and sleep in whatever spurts she did. How do you get by when you can't do that? When your child at home doesn't nap anymore and you only get your interrupted nights to sleep? How long will it be before I feel like a normal productive human being again? No matter what's going on around me, it's always really hard for me to see the way out. Whether it's a trying toddler stage (like now) or tired and fat and pregnant (again-) I can't imagine it changing, at least anytime soon. Then my mind stretches to when Fiona sleeps through the night and naps regularly and I can have a normal sleep pattern, only to wonder how I'll possibly have any energy chasing around after 2 young children. So when does it come back? How do normal people (everyone besides me) live fulfilling productive lives while they still have small children? I have many more parenting issues on my mind, but I'm too tired to sort them out. Until later then...