My Day

How is it possible that this was only this morning? Long day. Good day.

(I have no idea where Bella is. Living room?)

Where You Were

Fiona, this is where you were, who you were, when history was made.
January 20th, 2009.
And yes Bella, that is Barack Obama.

No Need To Comment. (or even read...)

We are all created equal, but we know that we have different strengths and weaknesses, talents and challenges. So how does it all really add up equally? Does that mean that in theory I am equal to say, Martin Luther King Jr. or the current prophet of our church President Monson, or just that I have the capabilities, the hope, the choice of becoming as good?
We also know that where much is given, much is required. Some are given more. At least more of specific things. So is the same required of us? How much in life is subjective to who we are? How does what we are born with, inherent with, given, factor into what we are responsible to for? Do our challenges handicap us so that we are not as accountable for it, or accountable in the same way as others without that struggle?
I guess what I want to know is what is within us. What does 'equal' really mean? How does it balance, equate? Are each and every one of us really capable of the same greatness in this life and our earthly destinies are only determined by our choices? God knows what we will do, where we will go, and he allows us those choices, but even in the pre-mortal life we cannot have been truly equal. Some are simply better than others, right? I mean, if I have a friend that is truly kind-hearted, without guile, empathetic and compassionate, but a total moron working with her hands, whereas I have a talent for crafts, we're equal? Just a different balance of strengths and weaknesses? Doesn't sound right, does it?
I just wonder about all this sometimes, and then I'm afraid that it doesn't really matter. That I'm complicating things too much and I need to simply focus on doing my best. Why then, does my best seem so far short of other's? Or even short of other's mediocre attempts?
Depression for instance. It seems obvious to me that I have to try a lot harder than most people to be happy. I wish I was one of those people who just woke up with a smile on her face, had a lust for life, undying optimism and a can-do attitude. Unfortunately, I have to focus and work on being happy. It is achieved through conscious work, a cumulative effect of mental exercises and attempts at self-help. Because of my struggles with depression I occasionally do (or don't do) things that I would do differently if it were not for that struggle. Take depression out of the equation, and things would work a lot differently, and a lot better for that matter. So what allowances are made for me specifically because of my unique challenges and efforts?
I am not using my depression as a scapegoat. I promise I'm not, even if it sounds profoundly like I am. I am just a thinker, a wonderer, (a dreamer... sounds like Shel Silverstein-). I can't help but explore all these things and try to figure out the hows and whys of my brain, myself. However, I still know that we all make choices based upon the challenges and blessings we currently have or do not have.
This leads me to another question. How much can we change? I know that through the Atonement all change is possible, so even as soon as I asked the question it sounded stupid. But still, we have to be born with limitations as a mortal on earth, and these limitations will vary between us all, right? I guess we have no idea what those limitations are, or if they only exist in our minds so we have to continually strive for better and better regardless.
Sometimes I try and remember that I only have to do my best and try a little harder each day, but I can quickly become derailed and discouraged when I realize that my best seems a sorry excuse for an attempt. How do we know if it is our best? Why is our best sometimes so much less than others? How do ourselves really balance? I seem to struggle in so many areas it seems impossible that my successes, virtues, and talents can balance me with others and fill the void that is left by my deficiencies and failings.. What if my best is simply not as good as another's? Do I accept that and continue to try and do all that I can, hoping that my best, and I, will improve? It seems like certain things are just harder for some than others. Obviously there is another huge population that have things much worse than I, since I do know that I have it pretty good. I do recognize my vast blessings, which are mainly the gospel and the people in my life. I know that I am rich beyond measure and have more than I could ever want.
I just can't help but wonder.
Am I way too introspective? Should I just shut up and do?
Or tell myself, as Homer would say, "Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!" ?

She says...

It seems Bella and I regularly have a pretty entertaining dialogue.
Ever since the Presidential elections when I taught her who the two candidates were, Barack Obama's name has been an oft-mentioned one. At some point in our discussions, I tried to casually explain that there are different skin colors, and that Obama was a black man. It seemed pertinent due to the social climate and historic election. However, she has seized upon the notion that he is first and foremost, a Black Man. That is who he is. When asked 'Who is Barack Obama?' she quickly answers, 'A black man.' Yes, but what else is he? "He has black skin.' Yes, I know, but he is also the pprrrreeeesss.... 'Presto!' No. The President of the United States. She had a run where she asked me if every single black person we saw was Barack Obama. (Keep in mind that the black population in Charlotte is about 40%.) That led to further discussion about skin color, that there are lots and lots of people with white skin, and lots and lots of people with black skin, but just because someone has black skin it does not necessarily mean they are Barack Obama. I'm afraid that just hammered in her notion of the importance of skin color, so I am trying to do some damage control by talking about how it doesn't matter. She asked me when we will see him, and I said probably never. She mentions his name a lot. Most recently when she asked if a guy passing the sacrament was Barack Obama, and today when she told me: 'I wish I was Barack Obama and could become the President.' Really? Do you want to be the President? When you grow up? 'No, when I grow up I want to be a puppy.' Oh.
I also love that she frequently tries to survey the emotional atmosphere in our home. I try and stress that emotions are okay, it's okay to feel certain ways as long as we express them or deal with them correctly. Because of this I try and use very clear statements like 'You are making me angry', or 'It makes me feel sad when you do that.' Now she has taken to feel out a situation by asking 'Are you mad? A little bit or a lot bit?', 'Are you happy?' Whenever she asks me if I am happy I have to pause and think about it. It's like a little reality check, a reminder from my little girl to be happy. She was frustrating me the other day as she was going potty and I left the bathroom, fuming a bit as I sought respite in the empty living room when she called out: 'Mom! Come back! I have a smile for you!'. I quickly made my way back, not caring that Fiona was sleeping in her nearby room while Bella yelled, to find a huge open-mouth grin on her face. That instantly changed my mood, my reaction, my perspective. She seems to do that a lot, come to think of it.

Snow day Part 2

I found these delightful little doves cozying up in the snow on my deck. They were so cute and serene, all puffed-up and occasionally cooing. Incidentally, what is the difference between a pigeon and a dove? They look exactly the same, and I have always suspected that they are the same creature with 2 different names, mainly because one connotes disgust and is nicknamed a foraging, flying rat, whereas another is the sign on peace, serenity, beauty. (Not to mention the Holy Ghost- imagine if we learned that the Holy Ghost descended in the form of a- pigeon?)

Bella had Joy School that day, and humorously enough, 2 of the mothers kept their kids home! I wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to leave Bella is someone else's charge, for my sake as well as hers. Miss Molly was nice enough to let them play in the meager snow at her house. Good thing they did so early, because most of the snow had melted by noon.

Umm...the hat I got for Bella when she was an infant. In my defense, it was ridiculously large for a baby, but now that she is nearly 4 it can't be fastened under her chin. I would get her another, but I don't feel an urgency to stock up on snow gear in our North Carolina climate.
I'm just happy that we got our token snowfall, and I'm okay if it doesn't snow again. Unless we got snowed in (ha) and it granted us an excuse, permission for our slovenly indoor ways, to sip hot chocolate and nestle. Since that sounds so far from what I do on a regular basis...Right.

TMI: Self-Indulgent Musings...

This is after all, my blog, my journal, and if you can't be self-indulgent in that forum, where can you? I suppose that is the very definition of a journal come to think of it...
What's with me? I'm feeling stuck.
This all seems so familiar somehow- Perhaps something I felt approximately 1,277 days ago, or when Bella was about the same age as Fiona is right now. When Bella was born, I was so afraid of post-partum depression. Considering the rigorous battle depression gives me on a regular basis, the addition of post-baby hormones and the stresses of new motherhood seemed an ominous combination. I was pleasantly surprised when I seemed to handle it better than I expected or thought capable. For a couple of months anyway. No that it was easy, not that I felt like I adjusted particularly well or adeptly, but still better than I thought I would. Then after a few months my progress seemed to slow, things started to pile up around the house, my to-do list remained stagnant, my patience grew thin, perhaps I gained a few pounds, and I left the house less and less. A familiar routine for me since all of these are common symptoms of depression. Why? What happened? I was doing so well, and then suddenly... I wasn't. Well the same seems to have happened this go 'round. Fi is 4 months old and my house is a disaster, laundry is in several piles around the house and hasn't actually been folded and put away in a couple of weeks. I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting last Friday but have yet to actually commit myself to it since I didn't plan accordingly. I have yet to assume making regular dinners for my family, resume a regular cleaning routine, maintain any sort of regular routine for that matter. Dishes are piled around the kitchen, my grocery shopping still on the kitchen table, my laundry spread around the living room with the ironing board hopefully set up. My bed is unmade, my coupons not completely clipped or organized. I am participating in a yard sale with some friends this weekend and have yet to even begin assembling or readying my goods. And yet with all this piled up around me, here I sit watching American Idol, blogging, waiting for Timm to come home from work with a milkshake for me.
Why now? Why do I feel like I'm giving up now after 4 months of comparable success? It starts to accumulate in my consciousness making me think along the lines of: 'What am I good at? What am I good for? Why am I the way I am? Why is everyone in my life better than me, deserve better than me? Why does anyone like me? Why can't I do anything? Why can't I sustain anything or any achievement? Why am I so much less than everyone else? Why am I so much less capable than others? What redeeming qualities do I even have? How does anyone put up with me? Why can't I get it together? When will I? Will I?
What is the point of me?
Hmm.

Snow day!

Seriously.

Fiona at 4 Months

How did this happen? How is it possible that 4 months ago this little person was just a fetus, swimming around in my uterus with what I imagine amounts to gills, having recently lost the last of her tail?! Yet here she is- communicating, learning, rolling over, laughing, showing her personality...And so it goes. 3 days ago was her 4 month birthday. This last month seems to have gone by particularly fast-owing to the holidays I suspect. She chose this day to roll over from back to front for the first time and has been practicing it since. This was the very first time she did so, and she seemed quite pleased and intrigued by her new vantage point. Despite a small self-inflicted injury, she sure is cute, although she was not much in the mood for smiling. Too full of wonderment over her new accomplishment I believe.







I love those great big blue eyes that our girls are blessed with, along with that constant drop of drool poised on her chin, evidence of teething.
She is on a pretty good night routine of sorts. She goes down for the night promptly at 7 most of the time. She'll sleep for a few hours, usually waking sometime around midnight for her first feed in the night. There is usually another one, then a last one around 6 am. I'm not thrilled with the night feedings, but am so happy about the 7pm bedtime. I feel like that's when my day really begins. From 7am-7pm I may not be able to get much done in the way of productivity or enjoyment, but after 7pm, I'm a free agent. I'm trying to wean her off the night feedings, but she gets so mad! Her daytime schedule is not nearly so liberating. She naps often, as much as every 1 1/2 hours, but for only 45 minutes, precisely, each time. I can count it to the minute each time. You;d be amazed how fast 45 minutes go by when you are trying to clean/eat/get ready/rest/recover/enjoy...Usually it feels like about 15. Strange. Luckily she is pretty much happy whenever she is awake. When she is fussy, which is mild, it is generally only to eat, sleep, or be held. All of these possible reasons are easily remedied, so we don't hear much crying. When she does protest, she works up to it very gradually, as if to say "Um, hey- If you get a minute, could you help me out here? No rush, just whenever. If it's convenient. If you're coming by this way, I wouldn't mind being held, but don't worry about it. I'll just be waiting. Over here. So, whenever." If consistently ignored she will gradually increase her pleas until she gets the attention she seeks, but manages to be quite innocuous about the whole thing. Wonderful. She still smiles with little encouragement, and Bella can always get a good grin out of her. I need to take video of Bella doing her 'baby talk' to Fiona, a request I frequently ask when Fiona is starting to fuss and i am out of reach. Also, she's huge! Timm took her for a checkup about 3 weeks ago, and she was in the 75% for weight, and the 95% for height, although I'm afraid that's all in her torso and she has Taylor- short- leg genes. There's still hope. Speaking of those legs, she has the cutest super chunk legs that most babies have, but Bella never had. (Being in the 2nd percentile and all...) I love when she tries to communicate. All those guttural sounds she is fond of making, as well as the 'G's and attention-seeking coughs and yelps. I love to see her face light up when you imitate her language, as if she understands the exchange, or at least comprehends that you are communicating.
So that's pretty much Fiona right now. A love, a joy, a beauty. It's a good thing she's shed those gills and tail though, or she might not hold quite the same allure.

Poker Night

Luckily for us, we've found friends in the Smith's for game playing (among other things) and they recently taught us how to play poker. I've always loved cards and learned games and card etiquette at my grandma Charlotte's knee, yet never knew how to play poker or anything like it. It didn't necessarily seem too interesting if you took the betting out of it, which I always imagined I would, for obvious purposes. Silly, silly Jessie. Of course it's fun! And you still bet, just not with money- only chips! And professionally weighted chips, I might add, if you're playing with Sam. We usually rotate houses and let our kids run wild in the pursuit of some good game time, but in the interest of solid uninterrupted game time, Molly opted to put her kids down for bed at our house. Good one!
Mia always naps really well in our Pack N Play when they are over here on Coupon Mondays (yes.), so putting her down wasn't a problem, and Sebastian just slept in our bed. (Incidentally, I can't imagine Bella ever doing that, but maybe I'm not giving her enough credit.) It worked like a charm. I can't believe I didn't get pictures of them both in their jammies, especially Sebastian in his footies! So cute.
Timm, collecting his due after a particularly good hand. (This shirt is his favorite lounge shirt for some reason, bought in Jerusalem, and I have an inordinate dislike for it. Actually, it's far worse when paired with his blue tropical jammie bottoms that are a little tight. Charlotte, Emily? Since I commit far worse sins in regard to my appearance, I try to never comment. Besides, he's still cute.) But wow, he looks especially bald in this picture. I'm just sayin'...
Delightful. And for the record, the professionally weighted chips do make a difference. Very pleasing.
Me, bringing in my haul. I didn't do too shabby. When we ended after approximately 15 hands or so, Sam was the winner, and I was the only other one with chips left. I wasn't too far behind Sam, and sadly Timm and Molly had none. I have yet to learn all the intricacies and strategies of the game, but I think we have ample time for that. Especially since Monday is a holiday so we can play into the wee hours. Molly and I are thinking of adapting the game to bet coupons with like-minded coupon/poker dorks. If they exist in that combination.
Mwah Ha Ha!

New

New makeup,
new haircut and
color, new shirt...
Almost makes
me feel like
myself again.
Almost.

Overheard

Sebastian: "Bella, you're my best friend in the whole world."
Bella: "You're my best friend in the world."
Sebastian: "We're both best friends. No one else in the world, just you."

Junk Drawer

As in, this is a 'junk drawer' kind of post. Did everyone have a junk drawer growing up? I certainly did, but for some reason I don't have one of my own now. Perhaps because we don't have enough room to dedicate to it, but I would love to have a place that could accumulate loose odds and ends with no form of organization, guilt-free. I love organization, but am not always there, so the inevitable places and spaces that fail to live up to those fantasies haunt me and deem me inadequate and feel chaotic. But I digress... this is that kind of post, since I have been so lame lately. Also, the photos are out of order because I loaded them stupidly, so in addition to being random, it is also chronologically incorrect. So.
Timm's parents and youngest brother came to visit for a brief day and a half (!) from D.C. It was great to have them here for New Years, but it was altogether too brief.
Nana with Bella and Fiona. Bella sure loves it when either one of her sets of grandparents come, and luckily they both live close enough to see us often. Incidentally, Nana said that my photos of of Fi don't do her justice and that she is much cuter in person, so I will have to try and vindicate her.
Bella also had a great time with her uncle Jake, or 'Jacob' as he insists on being called. She took to him immediately even though I'm not sure she remembered him from the last time she saw him. I enjoy my in-law's company very much, but one of the best parts of their trip involved the gifting of a chest freezer! I don't want to say the best part, but maybe. That's only indicative of how much I love and appreciate the freezer rather, and not a commentary on the pleasure of their company. I haven't yet draped myself over it, pin-up style, setting the timer on my camera to capture the essence of my adoration, but it's coming. Oh, it's coming.
Another object of my affection recently is the game Ticket to Ride, which was also given to us by said Nana and Papa. We love that we can play it with just the 2 of us, but now we've indoctrinated our friends the Smiths into it so we all enjoy it together.

One of my recent successful trips couponing. Of course I planned to outline the exact cost vs. savings, ratios and percentages, but that was a while ago and I've had several trips since then. This was a triple-coupon weekend at Harris Teeter- Sweet! Friday I hit Bloom for triples again, which for you local Southerners they plan to do once monthly, so theoretically you could save all your shopping and do it once a month with triples!
It took a lot of preparation, but I enjoyed it and it was worth it.
And now for something completely different. (Monty Python reference- anyone, anyone?)
Timm's most recent allergic reaction to Leopard wood. Am I the only one who thinks it's funny in a sad ironic way that Timm the woodworker is allergic to wood? Yes? Too bad. It gets progressively worse with every contact he has, so he is now banned from any interaction with said wood. He sent the last to Lincoln, which is what induced this particular reaction.
And finally, Bella's attempt to soothe Fiona while I was busy. I will frequently say something like, 'Bella, go talk to Fiona for a minute- give her a toy, talk her baby talk...' Apparently she had latched onto the toy-giving approach, burying her sister in toys but unbelievingly still failing to soothe her. A wonder.
And now that I'm caught up I will hopefully be able to resume a regular blogging habit. Also, ones of my goals is to start commenting again- not sure exactly when I fell off there... Fingers crossed!

Coupon Binder

Man, I feel so behind in...life. So a quickie, if you will. A video of my coupon binder for anyone who wants to get started and may have accumulated a ton of coupons last Sunday! I had to keep it very succinct to stay within the allowable 100 MB to post, so if you have any questions or need further clarification, just leave me a comment.

And here are my categories:
Air Freshener
Baby
Baking
Boxed
Bread (& grains)
Breakfast
Candy
Canned
Cleaning
Condiments
Cooking (ingredients)
Dairy
Dental
Drinks
Fridge (& produce)
Frozen
Grocery
Hair
Household (batteries, cat treats, the like-)
Hygiene (all others not specified in other categories)
Laundry/Dish
Makeup
Meds/Vits
Paper/Plastic
Pkg Meat
Shaving
Snacks
Soap/Deo

I tend to over-categorize, so this may be a bit much, so adapt for your needs.
And get the 3-inch binder- I'm telling you, you'll fill it faster than you think! I've been doing it less than 2 months, and mine is more or less full.
I will try to post some of my recent deals and freebies soon, as well as details of my life outside of couponing. (What remains of it...)
Coupon Q's? Leave a comment. I'll do my best.